Everyone's a Comedian.

[notalwaysright]

and the "Oh you're gonna hate me" when the customer's cart is heaping full of stuff,

Omg I forgot that one. I can't stand it. Sometimes they just have a lot of fabric and it's annoying but tolerable. Other times when they say that what they mean is, "I didn't bother to do even the most basic math (or measure anything) so please add a bunch of numbers up." Usually it's super busy and they've waited for like 15 minutes so I know they could have done this. And yes, yes I do hate you.

And the "it didn't scan so it must be free" comments have nearly stopped at my work. I don't even attempt a smile. I'm usually busy hand typing the numbers in and ignore the comment entirely.

At my old work (roofing co office worker) sometimes the roofers would get told "don't fall off my roof!" And it's like, just SHUT UP.

Edited to add: Sometimes I talk to people like this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ7vkgC8euA "It's sunny today." "Yes. And warm." "This fabric has flowers." "Pink flowers, pretty."

[Legacy_of_Torment]

Oh those comedians. And then when you fail to crack a smile at their bout of unfunny, you get the ever popular "Smile, it was a joke!" Really, you don't say? It was just so funny I didn't want to spoil the moment by scaring you shitless with my smile.

[drjonah]

My co-workers uncle works for the FBI and I guess is doing his small part to rid the world of the annoying 'Just printed it myself haw haw haw haw'. Apparently if he's in line behind someone who says that, he will get this really serious tone and point out to the SC that it's not a good idea to go around joking about counterfeiting money.

[XCashier]

Other times when they say that what they mean is, "I didn't bother to do even the most basic math (or measure anything) so please add a bunch of numbers up."

I hate customers who do this! How do you not know that you need to take measurements before you start a project?! If you're painting a room, you need to know the square footage so you know how much paint to buy. If you're building a deck, you need to know how much room you have to work with. And if you're making curtains, you need to know what size your windows are!

SC: I'm making a tablecloth, how much fabric do I need?
ME: Okay, what size is your table?
SC: Uhhhh, I'unno, table-sized.
ME:

SC2: I'm covering the seat cushion in my boat, how much vinyl do I need?
ME: How big is the cushion?
SC2: Uhhhh... (holds hands indeterminate length apart) about yo big.
ME:

Seriously people?! Measuring tapes are not that difficult to find or use. For the love of all that doesn't suck, TAKE MEASUREMENTS BEFORE YOU START YOUR PROJECT!!!

[notalwaysright]

SC: I'm making a tablecloth, how much fabric do I need?

And after they FORCE the employee into making a guess on how much they need, they storm back in and return said fabric because "it's way too short!"

Here's another not-at-all funny one from yesterday... I call a number, say 17, and the lady calls out that she decided she didn't need fabric after all. Fine, I start to move on and a lady I can see has 25 says "can't I just be 17 if she's not going to use it? *big smile*" Anyone see the funny? No? Neither did the other 7 people who had waited longer.

[pzychobitch]

The variation on that line is when the customer hands you a $100 bill and as you examine it the gleefully exclaim "OH Don't worry it's good, I just printed it myself this morning. Sorry the ink is a little runny and it has not dried yet"

My fantasy response would be: "Let me just make a quick call to the local police, hold on a minute"

Oh god. That shit bugs the crap out of me. I know how that is..

[Ironclad Alibi]

I hate the 'comedians' who go all defensive on you when you don't laugh at their jokes. Like "You obviously don't have a sense of humour" or "It was a JOKE" or "You're supposed to laugh!"

I liked Red Skelton's response better. When one of his jokes fell flat, his comment was, "I just tell them, I don't write them."

[XCashier]

How good is your fake laugh? Why not appease them by laughing WAY harder than you should at the joke, even falling on your ass or keeling over with joy?

I tried that once. The "comedian" looked at me like "what's your problem?!"

The "Comedian" types can be sarcasm blind sometimes.

This, pretty much. And they claim we're the ones without a sense of humor...