Tweet
Not even a week in, and the hits keep on a commin'
EX-TER-MIN-ATE
Maintenance at Global Domination Reality's 120 Spork St. property have recently discovered tenants living there who are not on the lease.
About 100,000 of them
Yup, termites.
So they called in the exterminators to evict with extreme prejudice.
This would require the use of several large trucks and what looked to be giant vacuum-on-steroids on a trailer.
To give them room to work, the maintenance men set up some traffic cones and tape, blocking off 4 spots in the lot and making it the exterminators VIP room. They also put notes on the door and sent emails to the master tenant list telling everyone that this Monday would be the scheduled date for extermination and please don't get in their way.
Naturally, on the morning of arrival, the exterminators find that the tenants have pulled down the cones and tape and parked there anyway.
And it's not like these were assigned spaces, the lot is by-permit and first-come. Some people just get so attached to "their" space that they can't fathom not being able to use it, even if it's been physically roped off, they'll disable the barricade themselves long before they'll even consider that there's a reason it's up.....
Oh well, maybe they'll learn someday. Hopefully sooner than later, because the maintenance man looked awfully peeved as he signed the papers for us to tow them away, and is sure he'll be getting some nasty/whiny letters about how he towed them for "no reason".
Pro Tip: Don't do it kids, he's mad already, you don't want him madder, especially because he's the guy who is going to respond (allegedly) when your toilet overflows.
A Den of Thieves
I had a busy morning, I brought more counterfeiters to justice before 10AM than the Secret Service did all day.
One lot
Four fakes
And only 2 of them had the telltale signs of coming from the same batch. (Identical wrong color, wrong size, scissor marks and one particularly ambitious Mensa member then took that fake permit and laid it UPSIDEDOWN on the dash so nothing was visible either, except the bad scissor marks. Rendering all his comparatively hard work, useless)
In fact, it was these two clowns ineptitude that got everyone else.
Permits here have serial numbers, and a genuine one was obviously fed into a scanner to get the words on the fakes right, it's just the print and crop that was bungled. So I decided to see if I could find who's permit provided the blank key.
Started down the row... nope not him, nope not him, nope not him, no......... no... JUST NO! That one's fake too!! And that one's fake TOO!
These two were better, " better " being subjective, as they too had some bad scissor marks, but that probably wouldn't have been obvious had I not gone a hunting.
They were the right color and good-quality scans of originals (which I never did find) the problem with them was one came out of a printer that was getting low on ink, as there were obvious lines up close, and the other, just to be sure he'd get the shape right, glued his to last year's permit and cut around it, dampness overnight caused it to delaminate (shut up spell check! I Say that's a word!) and peel away...
Man, what are the chances, three different groups tried, without communicating amongst themselves, to fake permits for the exact same lot... on the same day....
and parked within feet of each other?
That sounds like the climactic act in some zany sitcom, all we need is a stinger where the folks at the front counter to a towing company remark how stupid it is to try and fake permits and wonder who else would try to do it, and in walks a guilty-looking Jason Alexander as the credits and applause roll.
Know Nothing Know-it-Alls
Guy calls up looking for his car, we have it, naturally. In fact, according to our records this is about the 3rd or 4th time we've towed him in.
Soon as we tell him that we do in fact possess it, and it'll be $130 , he gives us the ultimate whine...
"Man, why you keep DOING this to me?!"
Uh, I dunno, why you keep illegally parking? You're doing this to YOURSELF man, we're just the physical manifestation of your apparent self-loathing and/or masochistic tendencies.
Then there was the gentleman who parked in the two-hour lot for the coffee shop, at 1pm, and found his car towed, when he came out to check on it, at 4pm.
"Why'd I get towed" he asked? I dunno, what's 4 - 1? That's your answer, to both questions.
Good gravy, I hope he wasn't a math student.
And then there was the guy that parked in the lot to a convenience store, and disappeared. The store manager called us after noting the car had been there for several HOURS already, directly under a "customers only" parking sign. Furthermore, the owner didn't come looking for it until almost 11pm that night, so it spent a good 10 hours at least, in the lot of a business, where you have no reason to be a customer for more than 30 seconds at the most, with only like 3 aisles inside, this store is only one step up from a Hollywood set for a convenience store, or a front for some other nefarious business. You can literally inspect their ENTIRE inventory in under 10 minutes.
Well, this guy demanded to know why he got towed, and just didn't get those above points. He also didn't get how it was physically possible we towed his car and hadn't destroyed it.
After all, it was a Mercedes! And we're a buncha' greasy rednecks! And everyone KNOWS that if people like us so much as LOOK at a Mercedes, our natural aura of shabbiness we produce on account of being untermenschen will cause his preciousdick extender car to break out in a rash of dents, rust, scuffs and oil leaks.
We challenged him to find damage, he couldn't. Pity for him he didn't ask us for a flashlight and did his inspection by crawling around under it, in the dark, with his cellphone providing the only light. We also didn't intentionally put the car in the biggest mud puddle back in the impound, it was dry when we parked it, I swear!
We would have gladly moved it, but you know, that truck just causes things it's towing to suddenly implode, not like this industry has figured out how to actually TOW things without destroying them in the last 100 years.....
BTW: he didn't try to blame the key scratch on us, the one that ran down the ENTIRE left quarter panel..... guess we're not the only person he's annoyed out there in the world?
Some people, I suppose, really don't GET cause and effect.
Also not getting cause and effect, the world champion at not getting it, if you will, was the guy who was so livid with rage at us that I think he turned a shade of purple not found in the normal visible spectrum.
Things he didn't get included:
-Private property (he COULD NOT be towed just for parking on someone else's lawn)
-Reality ( the fact we HAD the car kinda disproves that first part )
-Criminal Law (that we towed him for parking on someone else's lawn was "illegal")
-The Constitution (we had "no right" to tow him)
-Economics (we were giving him his car back and he WAS NOT PAYING)
-Probability (see above)
-Customer Service ( we did NOT have the right to tell him to leave if he was going to keep arguing/swearing at us AND refuse to pay )
-Loitering (He could stand around all day if he wanted to, because he was going to do that until we gave him back his car)
-Borough Towing Fees (If he refused to pay, we COULD NOT charge $37 a day storage, we had "no right" to do so)
-Salvage Law( we COULD NOT give his car to the junkyard if he refused to ever pick it up, again, we had "no right")
-Public Disturbance (the guy in the lobby patiently waiting for his car to be finished with it's oil change could NOT tell him to keep it down!)
-Hypertension (all that yelling CAN'T be good for your heart!)
Eventually, around the 20 minute mark, we ran out of patience and chucked him onto the sidewalk (under pain of the police doing the same, possibly with pepper spray too) where he kept yelling loud enough that we could hear it through the windows. Eventually he realized that, right or not, he wasn't going to get his way and paid for the car.
What a charming gentleman, let us know next time you plan on having an extended eruption like that, because I'm pretty sure we could charge admission for it. We'll even give you a cut of the ticket sales--- to put towards the un-impounding of your car of course.
Got them Big Blue Permit Blues
Well I lost my little blue parking permit
Lost it somewhere down the road
Said I lost my little blue permit
Lost it somewhere down the road
So I'll just make myself a new one
Cuz I got them Big Blue Permit Blues
Well first I took a picture, then I got it compuerized
Said first I took a picture baby, then I got it all computerized
But when I hit the lil' print button, it came out the wrong size!
Couldn't figure how to fix it, though, Got them Big Blue Permit Blues
So I put on the dashboard, they'd hardly see what I did do...
Said i put it on the dashboard, they'd hardly see what I did do..
But they towed me anyway...
Got them Big Blue Permit Blues....
At least that's what I think this person did.
There's no other logical reason to photograph the 4'' by 4'' little blue hanging permit tag that's in a car next to yours, blow it up until it measures almost 10'' by 10'', print that picture, cut it out, and put it on the dash of the car.
Well, no GOOD logical reason, this person's logic was a bit torturous as you can see.
And too bad for them, their landlord is one of those descended directly from the Marquis De Sade, who HATES his tenants and will ENJOY showing them NO mercy. Even if they were a tenant who innocently lost their permit, he's going to make sure that tow STICKS
OMG! The NUMBERZ!
-What's this?
-Excuse me?
-Here on this sheet! What's this 152540? Is that who gets my money?! Is that who makes money of you towing me????
-That's the serial number on the tow slip, showing it comes before 152541, and after 152539.
In his defense, I think he WAS legitimately paranoid. He seemed kinda shifty as he was paying. And he's not the first nor last to demand an explanation as to where "the money" goes after they pay
"In the safe" is what I tell them
From there? I have just as much idea as you do. All I know is, some of it eventually comes back to me in my paycheck, but if you want more specifics, ask the office in the morning.
This is step "A" and my paycheck is step "Z", steps "B" to "Y" are totally mysterious and unknown to me, maybe they involve unicorns, ancient purification rituals, observing the stars and blood covenants, but, if they do, we're customers of one very weird bank...
He's also not the first to fixate on the tow slip number, it's interesting how some folks will spend up to 30 minutes reading them, or demanding a lawyer read them, absolutely certain that if they sign the bottom, they're agreeing to be sold into slavery in a salt mine somewhere....
Conspiracy, it's a hell of a drug.
We Can't Control His Fingers! We Can't Control His Toes!
Johnny Rucks was out loading an illegally parked car the other night when the owner notices and comes running.
Of course he doesn't plan on actually GIVING Ruckus any money, just telling him he's leaving
Ruckus informs him it's far too late to leave without paying the drop fee (now $75)
Owner informs Ruckus he'll do no such thing, Ruckus tells him that he will subsequently be towing it.
Owner sticks a finger on the rear trunk lid and says "Now I'm touching it! You can't tow it!"
Ruckus says "Watch me"
"No! You can't tow it if I'm touching it!" the owner says
Ruckus smiles that homicidal repo man smile and says "I've repoed cars with people trying to hold on to them with both hands, I don't care, start paying or I start moving"
Owner grouses and pays. Ruckus goes to put the car down, but notes the guys feet are now under where the rear tires are going to be if he drops it.
"Sir, please step back from the car"
"NO!" the owner says "You picked it up with me here, you can put it down the same way"
"Sir, step away from the car, I don't want you to get hurt, your toes are going to get smashed if I put it down where you're standing"
Owner just crosses his arms
"Fine" says Ruckus, "I'll wait until you move"
"No! Just put it down now!"
"So, you want me to break your toes? Either you step away, or I start loading again and tow you, makes no difference to me"
Owner finally moves aside, and Ruckus starts putting it down, suddenly, the owner runs BETWEEN the truck and car.
Ruckus EXPLODES: "GET THE F*CK OUT OF THERE BEFORE I BUST BOTH YOUR ANKLES!"
"You don't threaten me!" the owner says
"I'm not going to do it! You CAR is, look where your feet are!"
And the owner realizes that the boom, the steel part that does all the lifting, and can lift a maximum of 8500lbs, the very thing holding up A CAR in the air, is now hovering only scant inches above his ankles. Owner moves, only because he finally realized that being a tough guy (tm) isn't worth the wheelchair ride.
Naturally the whole experience was very VERY upsetting to Ruckus, who'd already had two people that night try to jump into cars he was towing, he was at the end of his rusty repo-man chain when he got back to clock out, that was for sure.
Maybe he needs sedated?
EX-TER-MIN-ATE
Maintenance at Global Domination Reality's 120 Spork St. property have recently discovered tenants living there who are not on the lease.
About 100,000 of them
Yup, termites.
So they called in the exterminators to evict with extreme prejudice.
This would require the use of several large trucks and what looked to be giant vacuum-on-steroids on a trailer.
To give them room to work, the maintenance men set up some traffic cones and tape, blocking off 4 spots in the lot and making it the exterminators VIP room. They also put notes on the door and sent emails to the master tenant list telling everyone that this Monday would be the scheduled date for extermination and please don't get in their way.
Naturally, on the morning of arrival, the exterminators find that the tenants have pulled down the cones and tape and parked there anyway.
And it's not like these were assigned spaces, the lot is by-permit and first-come. Some people just get so attached to "their" space that they can't fathom not being able to use it, even if it's been physically roped off, they'll disable the barricade themselves long before they'll even consider that there's a reason it's up.....
Oh well, maybe they'll learn someday. Hopefully sooner than later, because the maintenance man looked awfully peeved as he signed the papers for us to tow them away, and is sure he'll be getting some nasty/whiny letters about how he towed them for "no reason".
Pro Tip: Don't do it kids, he's mad already, you don't want him madder, especially because he's the guy who is going to respond (allegedly) when your toilet overflows.
A Den of Thieves
I had a busy morning, I brought more counterfeiters to justice before 10AM than the Secret Service did all day.
One lot
Four fakes
And only 2 of them had the telltale signs of coming from the same batch. (Identical wrong color, wrong size, scissor marks and one particularly ambitious Mensa member then took that fake permit and laid it UPSIDEDOWN on the dash so nothing was visible either, except the bad scissor marks. Rendering all his comparatively hard work, useless)
In fact, it was these two clowns ineptitude that got everyone else.
Permits here have serial numbers, and a genuine one was obviously fed into a scanner to get the words on the fakes right, it's just the print and crop that was bungled. So I decided to see if I could find who's permit provided the blank key.
Started down the row... nope not him, nope not him, nope not him, no......... no... JUST NO! That one's fake too!! And that one's fake TOO!
These two were better, " better " being subjective, as they too had some bad scissor marks, but that probably wouldn't have been obvious had I not gone a hunting.
They were the right color and good-quality scans of originals (which I never did find) the problem with them was one came out of a printer that was getting low on ink, as there were obvious lines up close, and the other, just to be sure he'd get the shape right, glued his to last year's permit and cut around it, dampness overnight caused it to delaminate (shut up spell check! I Say that's a word!) and peel away...
Man, what are the chances, three different groups tried, without communicating amongst themselves, to fake permits for the exact same lot... on the same day....
and parked within feet of each other?
That sounds like the climactic act in some zany sitcom, all we need is a stinger where the folks at the front counter to a towing company remark how stupid it is to try and fake permits and wonder who else would try to do it, and in walks a guilty-looking Jason Alexander as the credits and applause roll.
Know Nothing Know-it-Alls
Guy calls up looking for his car, we have it, naturally. In fact, according to our records this is about the 3rd or 4th time we've towed him in.
Soon as we tell him that we do in fact possess it, and it'll be $130 , he gives us the ultimate whine...
"Man, why you keep DOING this to me?!"
Uh, I dunno, why you keep illegally parking? You're doing this to YOURSELF man, we're just the physical manifestation of your apparent self-loathing and/or masochistic tendencies.
Then there was the gentleman who parked in the two-hour lot for the coffee shop, at 1pm, and found his car towed, when he came out to check on it, at 4pm.
"Why'd I get towed" he asked? I dunno, what's 4 - 1? That's your answer, to both questions.
Good gravy, I hope he wasn't a math student.
And then there was the guy that parked in the lot to a convenience store, and disappeared. The store manager called us after noting the car had been there for several HOURS already, directly under a "customers only" parking sign. Furthermore, the owner didn't come looking for it until almost 11pm that night, so it spent a good 10 hours at least, in the lot of a business, where you have no reason to be a customer for more than 30 seconds at the most, with only like 3 aisles inside, this store is only one step up from a Hollywood set for a convenience store, or a front for some other nefarious business. You can literally inspect their ENTIRE inventory in under 10 minutes.
Well, this guy demanded to know why he got towed, and just didn't get those above points. He also didn't get how it was physically possible we towed his car and hadn't destroyed it.
After all, it was a Mercedes! And we're a buncha' greasy rednecks! And everyone KNOWS that if people like us so much as LOOK at a Mercedes, our natural aura of shabbiness we produce on account of being untermenschen will cause his precious
We challenged him to find damage, he couldn't. Pity for him he didn't ask us for a flashlight and did his inspection by crawling around under it, in the dark, with his cellphone providing the only light. We also didn't intentionally put the car in the biggest mud puddle back in the impound, it was dry when we parked it, I swear!
We would have gladly moved it, but you know, that truck just causes things it's towing to suddenly implode, not like this industry has figured out how to actually TOW things without destroying them in the last 100 years.....BTW: he didn't try to blame the key scratch on us, the one that ran down the ENTIRE left quarter panel..... guess we're not the only person he's annoyed out there in the world?
Some people, I suppose, really don't GET cause and effect.
Also not getting cause and effect, the world champion at not getting it, if you will, was the guy who was so livid with rage at us that I think he turned a shade of purple not found in the normal visible spectrum.
Things he didn't get included:
-Private property (he COULD NOT be towed just for parking on someone else's lawn)
-Reality ( the fact we HAD the car kinda disproves that first part )
-Criminal Law (that we towed him for parking on someone else's lawn was "illegal")
-The Constitution (we had "no right" to tow him)
-Economics (we were giving him his car back and he WAS NOT PAYING)
-Probability (see above)
-Customer Service ( we did NOT have the right to tell him to leave if he was going to keep arguing/swearing at us AND refuse to pay )
-Loitering (He could stand around all day if he wanted to, because he was going to do that until we gave him back his car)
-Borough Towing Fees (If he refused to pay, we COULD NOT charge $37 a day storage, we had "no right" to do so)
-Salvage Law( we COULD NOT give his car to the junkyard if he refused to ever pick it up, again, we had "no right")
-Public Disturbance (the guy in the lobby patiently waiting for his car to be finished with it's oil change could NOT tell him to keep it down!)
-Hypertension (all that yelling CAN'T be good for your heart!)
Eventually, around the 20 minute mark, we ran out of patience and chucked him onto the sidewalk (under pain of the police doing the same, possibly with pepper spray too) where he kept yelling loud enough that we could hear it through the windows. Eventually he realized that, right or not, he wasn't going to get his way and paid for the car.
What a charming gentleman, let us know next time you plan on having an extended eruption like that, because I'm pretty sure we could charge admission for it. We'll even give you a cut of the ticket sales--- to put towards the un-impounding of your car of course.
Got them Big Blue Permit Blues
Well I lost my little blue parking permit
Lost it somewhere down the road
Said I lost my little blue permit
Lost it somewhere down the road
So I'll just make myself a new one
Cuz I got them Big Blue Permit Blues
Well first I took a picture, then I got it compuerized
Said first I took a picture baby, then I got it all computerized
But when I hit the lil' print button, it came out the wrong size!
Couldn't figure how to fix it, though, Got them Big Blue Permit Blues
So I put on the dashboard, they'd hardly see what I did do...
Said i put it on the dashboard, they'd hardly see what I did do..
But they towed me anyway...
Got them Big Blue Permit Blues....
At least that's what I think this person did.
There's no other logical reason to photograph the 4'' by 4'' little blue hanging permit tag that's in a car next to yours, blow it up until it measures almost 10'' by 10'', print that picture, cut it out, and put it on the dash of the car.
Well, no GOOD logical reason, this person's logic was a bit torturous as you can see.
And too bad for them, their landlord is one of those descended directly from the Marquis De Sade, who HATES his tenants and will ENJOY showing them NO mercy. Even if they were a tenant who innocently lost their permit, he's going to make sure that tow STICKS
OMG! The NUMBERZ!
-What's this?
-Excuse me?
-Here on this sheet! What's this 152540? Is that who gets my money?! Is that who makes money of you towing me????
-That's the serial number on the tow slip, showing it comes before 152541, and after 152539.
In his defense, I think he WAS legitimately paranoid. He seemed kinda shifty as he was paying. And he's not the first nor last to demand an explanation as to where "the money" goes after they pay
"In the safe" is what I tell them
From there? I have just as much idea as you do. All I know is, some of it eventually comes back to me in my paycheck, but if you want more specifics, ask the office in the morning.
This is step "A" and my paycheck is step "Z", steps "B" to "Y" are totally mysterious and unknown to me, maybe they involve unicorns, ancient purification rituals, observing the stars and blood covenants, but, if they do, we're customers of one very weird bank...
He's also not the first to fixate on the tow slip number, it's interesting how some folks will spend up to 30 minutes reading them, or demanding a lawyer read them, absolutely certain that if they sign the bottom, they're agreeing to be sold into slavery in a salt mine somewhere....
Conspiracy, it's a hell of a drug.
We Can't Control His Fingers! We Can't Control His Toes!
Johnny Rucks was out loading an illegally parked car the other night when the owner notices and comes running.
Of course he doesn't plan on actually GIVING Ruckus any money, just telling him he's leaving
Ruckus informs him it's far too late to leave without paying the drop fee (now $75)
Owner informs Ruckus he'll do no such thing, Ruckus tells him that he will subsequently be towing it.
Owner sticks a finger on the rear trunk lid and says "Now I'm touching it! You can't tow it!"
Ruckus says "Watch me"
"No! You can't tow it if I'm touching it!" the owner says
Ruckus smiles that homicidal repo man smile and says "I've repoed cars with people trying to hold on to them with both hands, I don't care, start paying or I start moving"
Owner grouses and pays. Ruckus goes to put the car down, but notes the guys feet are now under where the rear tires are going to be if he drops it.
"Sir, please step back from the car"
"NO!" the owner says "You picked it up with me here, you can put it down the same way"
"Sir, step away from the car, I don't want you to get hurt, your toes are going to get smashed if I put it down where you're standing"
Owner just crosses his arms
"Fine" says Ruckus, "I'll wait until you move"
"No! Just put it down now!"
"So, you want me to break your toes? Either you step away, or I start loading again and tow you, makes no difference to me"
Owner finally moves aside, and Ruckus starts putting it down, suddenly, the owner runs BETWEEN the truck and car.
Ruckus EXPLODES: "GET THE F*CK OUT OF THERE BEFORE I BUST BOTH YOUR ANKLES!"
"You don't threaten me!" the owner says
"I'm not going to do it! You CAR is, look where your feet are!"
And the owner realizes that the boom, the steel part that does all the lifting, and can lift a maximum of 8500lbs, the very thing holding up A CAR in the air, is now hovering only scant inches above his ankles. Owner moves, only because he finally realized that being a tough guy (tm) isn't worth the wheelchair ride.
Naturally the whole experience was very VERY upsetting to Ruckus, who'd already had two people that night try to jump into cars he was towing, he was at the end of his rusty repo-man chain when he got back to clock out, that was for sure.
Maybe he needs sedated?
)
Comment