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Well, Christmas is nearly upon us. I tend to forget about it these days, having long lost my youthful avarice for presents and any desire to go nuts with decking halls (Except for that no-good squealer Andy Hall in the 3rd grade, I'll deck THAT smug little bastard any day of the week) It usually only dawns on me when I get the occasional Xmas card in the mail, like this one that just got here today:
"Dear Argabarga, Having a wonderful time in juvenile hall, wish you were here, regards, Jimmy"
"P.S. My bunkmate gets out this week, and when he finds you, he's going to make you his b...."
Woah, Jimmy! Watch the language! I can't read THAT on this PG-rated message board! The NERVE! I hope they short sheet you bed again for that!
Anyway, onwards to some holiday cheer.
The Grinch is Slacking
Only one ruined Christmas?
That doesn't seem right, not with two weeks of December under my belt. But let's check the box score here.... hmmmm... 23 tows, 10 drops, and, yep, only 1 ruined Christmas.
This is, of course, not counting the middle fingers given by passing motorists. Those can't really be counted as such since without an audio track, I can't be sure they're cursing me for ruining their holidays or just telling me I'm number one.
Special honorable mention to the guy who stopped his car in the middle of traffic in an intersection when he saw me on the cross-street to give me his silent digital opinion on my industry, or the lady who switched to driving with her wrists so she could give em' to me akimbo, that's worth a half-a-ruined xmas, right?
And, no offense to you miss, recipient of my one confirmed ruined Christmas, but, if that $75 you had to cough up for the drop was really and truly the last money you had to your name from here to the end of the year, as you claimed, well, that wasn't going to be MUCH of a Christmas in my opinion.
Your threat to never do business with us again was likewise charming.
Seeing as we couldn't get it through your head that "permit parking only" signs mean exactly that. And only that. And there are no implied or hidden messages excepting quick visits to friends to "just drop off some stuff". Yet you STILL insisted we were in the wrong? That was enough for me to boldly predict that we'll probably be getting (and giving) the business from you time and time and time again.
Your threat is as hollow as the light-up plastic Santa in the yard, and just as enlightening....
One Good Bad, and One Bad Good
After a week of sitting idle, someone turned the crank of the Fraud-o-Matic 9000 at that apartment I've been having trouble with lately and popped out another fake permit. As I suspected, this was the best one yet, as they're learning how to forge better and better. But, also as foretold, I'm getting harder and harder to fool. This time we got a drop on them as they came running when they heard the truck, and didn't even argue, they just said "yeah, it's fake, how much I owe?" It's almost like they basked in the shadow of the monolith for too long and are now actually developing intelligence... pretty soon they'll discover fire and civilization will be on it's way.
Now, on the other end of the spectrum, out in Dizzarbo Land (no that's NOT a typo) was a genuine, legit, office-issued permit that the secretary wrote up with an expiration date of...... 18/24
18/24?
18/24??
What is this? I don't even..... what... you of all people shouldn't be screwing things up like this! Ahh.... my brain! Ahh! AHHHHHH!
YEARGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Oh... wow... what a trip.... did anyone else see those dancing sea monkeys with their adorable little canes and top hats, or was that just me? Wait, how long have I been out? Where did the last two days go? Oh man, I hate these long blackouts.... and why do I always come out of them with dirt and mud up to my knees and these strange abrasions on my hands?? I hope I didn't hurt anyone... who didn't deserve it at least.
Keep All Hands, Elbows and Permits Inside the Car at all Times
Suddenly, it's turned into amateur magician night around here. That is to say, people have been walking up to the counter and then hoping to impress us by miraculously pulling parking permits out of thin air, or from behind their ears, or up their sleeves, or coat pockets, or purses, or, well just a out every orifice the healthy human mind can imagine (yes, that one too) EXCEPT from where they REALLY need to be. IN THE CAR.
I repeat
IN
THE
CAR
To be legally parked, you MUST have a PERMIT for your lot, and that permit MUST be in the car, in a way that makes it VISIBLE from the outside.
It's explained to you when you get the permit, some places make you SIGN papers proving you understand it, and yet time and time again, people fail to follow the rules and then come after us like it's OUR fault because we should, for a multitude of reasons, have known their permitless car had a permit.....
It is NOT a failure on our part to not have an industrial-sized x-ray machine on hand to scan your car, radio antennae to valve stem and try to find where you've hidden yours.
It is NOT a failure on our part to not "check the list" becuase you're on it. Hello? We DON'T have a list!! Same way the store doesn't have a magical neverending backroom and hotels don't have those extra hidden rooms when they sell out, there IS NO master list to check, that's why they GAVE YOU A PERMIT.
It is NOT a failure on our part to not just instinctively know via our immense psychic powers that you okay'd a friend/fiend/family member to use your spot and just forgot to hand over the permit. We as a species haven't yet developed that particular mutant ability, though a select few have grown some very interesting tumors in the process of trying. Not exactly what we were aiming at, but kinda in the ballpark, go team!
It is NOT a failure on our part to not recognize your car because "you park there all the time". This may shock you, but the reason they run ads on TVs for Honda dealerships is because they make a LOT of Honda Accords, HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of them each year. And they'd like to SELL the ones they made... and as speshul a snowflake as Mommy says you are notwithstanding, you aren't the ONLY bloke who actually BOUGHT one. Heck there's 2 Lotuses, 3 Maseratis and 2 Lamborghinis in this town, even owning one of THOSE doesn't mean we can't mistake you for someone else. Oh, if only there was a way to make yours UNIQUE somehow! Like if there was a special kind of tag or slip of paper you could put on it somewhere.... then we'd know... too bad they haven't invented such a thing yet*.
* The preceding was Sarcasm TM. Sarcasm is not for everyone, consult your physician before use, side-effects include snarkiness, world-weariness, general disdain for humanity, dry mouth and insomnia.
Finally, it's NOT a failure on my part to NOT sterilize you as to protect the human genome from congenital stupidity, it's just that pesky human rights thingy we've got going up in here, but, a man can dream...... he can dream.....
I think I've mentioned in passing before that the owner of Friendly Neighborhood Towing also owns a few real estate ventures, including apartment blocks,one of which we got one of the no-see-um-permit folk from. This gentleman complained rather loudly that "for what I pay for parking, I don't need to put up any permits!" When that argument got him nowhere, he loudly proclaimed he was going to talk to the property owner and we'd all be in big trouble for it.... we told him he'd be wasting his time, since the owner of that building also owns our towing company. To which he said "YOU'RE LYING!!!" Well, go ahead, prove us wrong, we'll be waiting to hear how that goes.
Compounded Suck
And now we close with the winner of this week's "Golden Sphincter" award for outstanding achievement in the field of assholism.
Not only was this guy a "forgot my permit" tow, who tried the usual harangues of "I live there" - "you should KNOW my car by now" - "I don't care what my lease says about visible permits" , but, once those were exhausted and he was signing the papers to get the car back... he, in drop dead seriousness mind you, asked:
"So, how do I know you haven't taken anything off my car?"
Uh...... come again?
"How do I KNOW you haven't sold any off the parts off my car?!"
Wait, you honestly think we'd do that? Oh my God, you do..... Why on Earth would we do that? And if we did, why on Earth would we give it back to you if you can't drive it off? Do you honestly think we want to deal with you MORE than we already have? Or vice versa? You're implying a level of dishonesty in us that's so cartoonishly exaggerated that you'd think we all had pale blue skin, wore black capes, and twirled our mustaches with glee as we tied hapless young maidens to the railroad tracks.... this is the most OUT THERE accusation I've ever had leveled at me, and keep in mind, I've dealt with actual paranoid people before.
Well, fortunately, even though that stunned ME silent, the Towing Manager had the perfect comeback.
"Stop being an ass"
"WHAT?"
"I said stop being an ass, we didn't do that, and you KNOW we didn't"
"I'M THE ASS HERE?? YOU GUYS STOLE MY CAR, MADE ME PAY $130 TO GET IT BACK AND I'M THE ASS????"
"Yes, you are"
Sometimes, you have no choice, diplomacy be damned, you just gotta call it like you see it and start shooting....
And trust me, you're the LAST person I'd take anything from, especially off your car. If anything, I'm going to ADD something to you car after your petulant little outburst, like sugar, in the gas tank...
But since we don't condone that kind of behavior, you'll just have to settle for your award, it's not the most flattering of trophies, but I'm sure it'll look good on your mantle next to the others you've no doubt won.
And, for your rescuing of your car just SECONDS before we were ready to fire up the sawzall and reduce it to scrap and component parts and reap a small fortune.... DRAT! And DOUBLE DRAT! Foiled Again!! *shakes fist at sky* Oh, what's this over here?
A runabout!
I'LL STEAL IT!
NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!!!
*drives off into sunset*
Happy Holidays, see you later.
"Dear Argabarga, Having a wonderful time in juvenile hall, wish you were here, regards, Jimmy"
"P.S. My bunkmate gets out this week, and when he finds you, he's going to make you his b...."
Woah, Jimmy! Watch the language! I can't read THAT on this PG-rated message board! The NERVE! I hope they short sheet you bed again for that!
Anyway, onwards to some holiday cheer.
The Grinch is Slacking
Only one ruined Christmas?
That doesn't seem right, not with two weeks of December under my belt. But let's check the box score here.... hmmmm... 23 tows, 10 drops, and, yep, only 1 ruined Christmas.
This is, of course, not counting the middle fingers given by passing motorists. Those can't really be counted as such since without an audio track, I can't be sure they're cursing me for ruining their holidays or just telling me I'm number one.
Special honorable mention to the guy who stopped his car in the middle of traffic in an intersection when he saw me on the cross-street to give me his silent digital opinion on my industry, or the lady who switched to driving with her wrists so she could give em' to me akimbo, that's worth a half-a-ruined xmas, right?
And, no offense to you miss, recipient of my one confirmed ruined Christmas, but, if that $75 you had to cough up for the drop was really and truly the last money you had to your name from here to the end of the year, as you claimed, well, that wasn't going to be MUCH of a Christmas in my opinion.
Your threat to never do business with us again was likewise charming.
Seeing as we couldn't get it through your head that "permit parking only" signs mean exactly that. And only that. And there are no implied or hidden messages excepting quick visits to friends to "just drop off some stuff". Yet you STILL insisted we were in the wrong? That was enough for me to boldly predict that we'll probably be getting (and giving) the business from you time and time and time again.
Your threat is as hollow as the light-up plastic Santa in the yard, and just as enlightening....
One Good Bad, and One Bad Good
After a week of sitting idle, someone turned the crank of the Fraud-o-Matic 9000 at that apartment I've been having trouble with lately and popped out another fake permit. As I suspected, this was the best one yet, as they're learning how to forge better and better. But, also as foretold, I'm getting harder and harder to fool. This time we got a drop on them as they came running when they heard the truck, and didn't even argue, they just said "yeah, it's fake, how much I owe?" It's almost like they basked in the shadow of the monolith for too long and are now actually developing intelligence... pretty soon they'll discover fire and civilization will be on it's way.
Now, on the other end of the spectrum, out in Dizzarbo Land (no that's NOT a typo) was a genuine, legit, office-issued permit that the secretary wrote up with an expiration date of...... 18/24
18/24?
18/24??
What is this? I don't even..... what... you of all people shouldn't be screwing things up like this! Ahh.... my brain! Ahh! AHHHHHH!
YEARGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Oh... wow... what a trip.... did anyone else see those dancing sea monkeys with their adorable little canes and top hats, or was that just me? Wait, how long have I been out? Where did the last two days go? Oh man, I hate these long blackouts.... and why do I always come out of them with dirt and mud up to my knees and these strange abrasions on my hands?? I hope I didn't hurt anyone... who didn't deserve it at least.
Keep All Hands, Elbows and Permits Inside the Car at all Times
Suddenly, it's turned into amateur magician night around here. That is to say, people have been walking up to the counter and then hoping to impress us by miraculously pulling parking permits out of thin air, or from behind their ears, or up their sleeves, or coat pockets, or purses, or, well just a out every orifice the healthy human mind can imagine (yes, that one too) EXCEPT from where they REALLY need to be. IN THE CAR.
I repeat
IN
THE
CAR
To be legally parked, you MUST have a PERMIT for your lot, and that permit MUST be in the car, in a way that makes it VISIBLE from the outside.
It's explained to you when you get the permit, some places make you SIGN papers proving you understand it, and yet time and time again, people fail to follow the rules and then come after us like it's OUR fault because we should, for a multitude of reasons, have known their permitless car had a permit.....
It is NOT a failure on our part to not have an industrial-sized x-ray machine on hand to scan your car, radio antennae to valve stem and try to find where you've hidden yours.
It is NOT a failure on our part to not "check the list" becuase you're on it. Hello? We DON'T have a list!! Same way the store doesn't have a magical neverending backroom and hotels don't have those extra hidden rooms when they sell out, there IS NO master list to check, that's why they GAVE YOU A PERMIT.
It is NOT a failure on our part to not just instinctively know via our immense psychic powers that you okay'd a friend/fiend/family member to use your spot and just forgot to hand over the permit. We as a species haven't yet developed that particular mutant ability, though a select few have grown some very interesting tumors in the process of trying. Not exactly what we were aiming at, but kinda in the ballpark, go team!
It is NOT a failure on our part to not recognize your car because "you park there all the time". This may shock you, but the reason they run ads on TVs for Honda dealerships is because they make a LOT of Honda Accords, HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of them each year. And they'd like to SELL the ones they made... and as speshul a snowflake as Mommy says you are notwithstanding, you aren't the ONLY bloke who actually BOUGHT one. Heck there's 2 Lotuses, 3 Maseratis and 2 Lamborghinis in this town, even owning one of THOSE doesn't mean we can't mistake you for someone else. Oh, if only there was a way to make yours UNIQUE somehow! Like if there was a special kind of tag or slip of paper you could put on it somewhere.... then we'd know... too bad they haven't invented such a thing yet*.
* The preceding was Sarcasm TM. Sarcasm is not for everyone, consult your physician before use, side-effects include snarkiness, world-weariness, general disdain for humanity, dry mouth and insomnia.
Finally, it's NOT a failure on my part to NOT sterilize you as to protect the human genome from congenital stupidity, it's just that pesky human rights thingy we've got going up in here, but, a man can dream...... he can dream.....
I think I've mentioned in passing before that the owner of Friendly Neighborhood Towing also owns a few real estate ventures, including apartment blocks,one of which we got one of the no-see-um-permit folk from. This gentleman complained rather loudly that "for what I pay for parking, I don't need to put up any permits!" When that argument got him nowhere, he loudly proclaimed he was going to talk to the property owner and we'd all be in big trouble for it.... we told him he'd be wasting his time, since the owner of that building also owns our towing company. To which he said "YOU'RE LYING!!!" Well, go ahead, prove us wrong, we'll be waiting to hear how that goes.
Compounded Suck
And now we close with the winner of this week's "Golden Sphincter" award for outstanding achievement in the field of assholism.
Not only was this guy a "forgot my permit" tow, who tried the usual harangues of "I live there" - "you should KNOW my car by now" - "I don't care what my lease says about visible permits" , but, once those were exhausted and he was signing the papers to get the car back... he, in drop dead seriousness mind you, asked:
"So, how do I know you haven't taken anything off my car?"
Uh...... come again?
"How do I KNOW you haven't sold any off the parts off my car?!"
Wait, you honestly think we'd do that? Oh my God, you do..... Why on Earth would we do that? And if we did, why on Earth would we give it back to you if you can't drive it off? Do you honestly think we want to deal with you MORE than we already have? Or vice versa? You're implying a level of dishonesty in us that's so cartoonishly exaggerated that you'd think we all had pale blue skin, wore black capes, and twirled our mustaches with glee as we tied hapless young maidens to the railroad tracks.... this is the most OUT THERE accusation I've ever had leveled at me, and keep in mind, I've dealt with actual paranoid people before.
Well, fortunately, even though that stunned ME silent, the Towing Manager had the perfect comeback.
"Stop being an ass"
"WHAT?"
"I said stop being an ass, we didn't do that, and you KNOW we didn't"
"I'M THE ASS HERE?? YOU GUYS STOLE MY CAR, MADE ME PAY $130 TO GET IT BACK AND I'M THE ASS????"
"Yes, you are"
Sometimes, you have no choice, diplomacy be damned, you just gotta call it like you see it and start shooting....
And trust me, you're the LAST person I'd take anything from, especially off your car. If anything, I'm going to ADD something to you car after your petulant little outburst, like sugar, in the gas tank...
But since we don't condone that kind of behavior, you'll just have to settle for your award, it's not the most flattering of trophies, but I'm sure it'll look good on your mantle next to the others you've no doubt won. And, for your rescuing of your car just SECONDS before we were ready to fire up the sawzall and reduce it to scrap and component parts and reap a small fortune.... DRAT! And DOUBLE DRAT! Foiled Again!! *shakes fist at sky* Oh, what's this over here?
A runabout!
I'LL STEAL IT!
NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!!!
*drives off into sunset*
Happy Holidays, see you later.
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