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So named because mostly everything that's gone wrong this week (on the towee end, not the tower) has been happening in pairs. Behold:
Walkin is for Chumps
Two times, we've nailed the exact same Ford Escort with Texas plates, in the same lot, for the same violation (no permit for that lot). The owner parked there, got towed, made bail and then went back and DID IT AGAIN.
And they have a permit for another complex, that's four to three blocks away by foot.
They'd rather pay $130 than walk less than a 1/4 mile, less than 1/8 mile actually, the blocks are kinda small in that part of town. I'm tempted to measure the actual distance and figure out how much you'd save per step taken, and need I point out, parking is FREE on the STREET in front of that place?
Yep, it's true what they say. Everything's bigger in Texas, even the morons....
Meters is for Chumps
So, the way parking meters around here work, you get 4 tickets, unpaid, in a row, and you're towed away.
Simple? No?
Well, unless you're THIS guy.
He illegally parked, got 4 tickets, in a row, got towed away.....
You really seem adverse to learning, grasshopper, seeing as how after you came to us, paid the tickets and tow, you went back there and did it again.
Granted, not the same exact spot, but, you did park the car again, left it until it had 4 tickets, again, and got towed away, AGAIN.
You also didn't notice this recurrence of consequences for three whole days, so when you came in (sigh, again) you owed the tickets, the tow, and three days storage.
And, to top it all off, your car has those paper temporary plates that are only good for 30 days, so you can legally drive home from the dealership.... except you never bothered to get real ones, yours are expired and starting to waste away from the elements.... it's only a matter of time before some bored state trooper pulls you over and you get impounded again. The only reason they haven't so far is probably because they're out-of-state plates and they just assume you're passing through, but, seeing as you're wont to press your luck, I'm not holding out hope you'll rectify that problem before it becomes a bigger one.
Ya'lls Yankee Rules are for Chumps
This one starts inoccuosly enough. Go to tow a car parked at an apartment complex with no permit for the complex. Because they decided to actually fix the potholes in that complex's parking lot, the cones and orange plastic fencing strewn about turned the place into a veritable rat maze that our driver had a hard time getting in to, and once loaded, like a monkey trap, couldn't get out. At least not before the owner of said car showed up.
Oh, and she's pissed.... seems that she doesn't feel she should be towed because.... she drove 9 hours to get here.
Okay, well, that's all well and good sugarcube, but, you ILLEGALLY PARKED at the end of that 9 hour drive (and I don't doubt it, the plates on your car are indeed from about that far away, and not to stereotype, but your accent matches said plate's known home dialect, I-dooooo-declare). So close, and yet so far...
I mean, really, what was THAT for an excuse? I've managed to not break the law for 85 years, so what if I kinda murdered at the very end there? Right?
So then, she of course, whips out the oldest female get-out-of-jail-free card in the book. No, not that one. Nope, not that one either. She started crying.
Heh, cute, honey, you do realize that as tow truck drivers, we FEED on your tears, right?
Now what? Oh right, back up plan, here comes boyfriend to threaten to beat us all up.... yeah.... that'll work.
Miss, if we eat your tears for lunch, we most assuredly have humble "Bro" pie for dessert!
So, your only option now is $130 (yes, out of the spot you parked in means full tow prices, not drops) and I don't care that you have to run all the way back up 5 flights of stairs to get your purse, everyone could use the cardio these days!
She obligingly let us unhook the car and moved it out on to the street.
Until the next night, when it was back in the lot........
*Charlie Brown Face* WAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!
I'm not really angry at them, more at the failure of society to DO something about them that makes them LEARN, because I've tried the maximum I'm allowed under the law, and it just ain't enough! A cattle prod might do it, but, I don't wanna go to prison, not for her at least.....
Outsourcing Forgery to Three Year Olds
I'm only going to ask one question.
One.
If you were going to make a fake parking permit, would you use a crayon?
Stop laughing! And answer the question! I MEAN IT! STOP LAUGHING!!!! Hey! Aren't you listening?!!! STOP IT! Okay campers, listen up, that click you heard was the hammer of a .357 magnum, double-action, means it only clicks once, the next time it clicks it will be the last thing you ever hear? Got it? Good.
Now that we're all settled down, and from the smell of it, a bit more soiled than before, please answer that question. You all said "no", right? RIGHT? Don't make me brandish Mr-Happy-Fun-Cannon again.... Good. You all really DID say "no".
Well Congratulations.
You're smarter than THAT guy....
At least the other guy we got with a tampered permit that night had the "decency" if you will to think we wouldn't notice that 3 inch wide and 5 inch long scribble of sharpie he used to oh-so-subtly blot out the old dates before writing new ones.... at least that was with a felt tip pen and not an artistic tool wielded only by those still in kindergarden. (And it was on a vehicle with New York tags, just to keep track of the wide diversity of idiots this country produces from every corner and walk of life!)
By comparison, this crayola-lover's car had PA plates...
why me? Why must they choose to live near me?! You're making my home state look bad, if not WORSE than usual! We already are home to mine fires that wipe out entire towns, the Philadelphia Phillies and the only native son of ours to hold the White House was James Buchanan, widely considered the WORST chief executive in history..... you're NOT helping! 
Brand Loyalty
So loyal in fact, it's affecting his view of reality.... as you'll see.
*ring*
-Friendly Neighborhood Towing, how can Itow help you?
-Yeah, I think ya'll towed muh car!
-What kind and from where?
-Blue Chevy, I was parked at Whattaburger
-Uh, I'll see if we have a Blue Chevy of somekind, but there's no Whattaburger in this town..... ah, we have a dark blue Chevy Lumina, from the McDonald's on Park st. That yours?
-Nah man! I was at Whattaburger
-We don't have a Whattaburger in this town, sir And the only car I have that's close to yours is this one from McDonalds
-But I was at Whattaburger.....
-Then it's not yours, becasue there isn't one of those around here
-But I was there!
-We don't have one
-Aw, man, do you have my car or not? Wait, hang on.... *shouts to someone else* Yo! What's the name of this *bleep*in place we at? .... What? ........ What.... oh........ Yeah, I was at McDonalds, what's it gonna cost.
-$130, cash credit or debit, no checks
-Cool, I'll be in
He's lucky I'm not charging him BRAIN CELLS, because it sounds like he'd only be able to fork over one and I can't make change....
I try NOT to get a swelled head, I really do, but, too many phone calls like THAT one this month, and I find myself thinking "LORD, WHAT FOOLS THESE MORTALS BE!!!!"
That's a sign of severe mental distress, I'm pretty sure, but I'd like a confirmed sane population to form the baseline to compare it to, not the folks who inhabit THIS town.
Aaaaaaaand, this week's a FOOT-EFFIN-BALL weekend...... better start getting those pill bottles in the spice rack lined up in the right order..... this could get messy.
Walkin is for Chumps
Two times, we've nailed the exact same Ford Escort with Texas plates, in the same lot, for the same violation (no permit for that lot). The owner parked there, got towed, made bail and then went back and DID IT AGAIN.
And they have a permit for another complex, that's four to three blocks away by foot.
They'd rather pay $130 than walk less than a 1/4 mile, less than 1/8 mile actually, the blocks are kinda small in that part of town. I'm tempted to measure the actual distance and figure out how much you'd save per step taken, and need I point out, parking is FREE on the STREET in front of that place?
Yep, it's true what they say. Everything's bigger in Texas, even the morons....
Meters is for Chumps
So, the way parking meters around here work, you get 4 tickets, unpaid, in a row, and you're towed away.
Simple? No?
Well, unless you're THIS guy.
He illegally parked, got 4 tickets, in a row, got towed away.....
You really seem adverse to learning, grasshopper, seeing as how after you came to us, paid the tickets and tow, you went back there and did it again.
Granted, not the same exact spot, but, you did park the car again, left it until it had 4 tickets, again, and got towed away, AGAIN.
You also didn't notice this recurrence of consequences for three whole days, so when you came in (sigh, again) you owed the tickets, the tow, and three days storage.
And, to top it all off, your car has those paper temporary plates that are only good for 30 days, so you can legally drive home from the dealership.... except you never bothered to get real ones, yours are expired and starting to waste away from the elements.... it's only a matter of time before some bored state trooper pulls you over and you get impounded again. The only reason they haven't so far is probably because they're out-of-state plates and they just assume you're passing through, but, seeing as you're wont to press your luck, I'm not holding out hope you'll rectify that problem before it becomes a bigger one.
Ya'lls Yankee Rules are for Chumps
This one starts inoccuosly enough. Go to tow a car parked at an apartment complex with no permit for the complex. Because they decided to actually fix the potholes in that complex's parking lot, the cones and orange plastic fencing strewn about turned the place into a veritable rat maze that our driver had a hard time getting in to, and once loaded, like a monkey trap, couldn't get out. At least not before the owner of said car showed up.
Oh, and she's pissed.... seems that she doesn't feel she should be towed because.... she drove 9 hours to get here.
Okay, well, that's all well and good sugarcube, but, you ILLEGALLY PARKED at the end of that 9 hour drive (and I don't doubt it, the plates on your car are indeed from about that far away, and not to stereotype, but your accent matches said plate's known home dialect, I-dooooo-declare). So close, and yet so far...
I mean, really, what was THAT for an excuse? I've managed to not break the law for 85 years, so what if I kinda murdered at the very end there? Right?
So then, she of course, whips out the oldest female get-out-of-jail-free card in the book. No, not that one. Nope, not that one either. She started crying.
Heh, cute, honey, you do realize that as tow truck drivers, we FEED on your tears, right?
Now what? Oh right, back up plan, here comes boyfriend to threaten to beat us all up.... yeah.... that'll work.
Miss, if we eat your tears for lunch, we most assuredly have humble "Bro" pie for dessert!
So, your only option now is $130 (yes, out of the spot you parked in means full tow prices, not drops) and I don't care that you have to run all the way back up 5 flights of stairs to get your purse, everyone could use the cardio these days!
She obligingly let us unhook the car and moved it out on to the street.
Until the next night, when it was back in the lot........
*Charlie Brown Face* WAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!
I'm not really angry at them, more at the failure of society to DO something about them that makes them LEARN, because I've tried the maximum I'm allowed under the law, and it just ain't enough! A cattle prod might do it, but, I don't wanna go to prison, not for her at least.....
Outsourcing Forgery to Three Year Olds
I'm only going to ask one question.
One.
If you were going to make a fake parking permit, would you use a crayon?
Stop laughing! And answer the question! I MEAN IT! STOP LAUGHING!!!! Hey! Aren't you listening?!!! STOP IT! Okay campers, listen up, that click you heard was the hammer of a .357 magnum, double-action, means it only clicks once, the next time it clicks it will be the last thing you ever hear? Got it? Good.
Now that we're all settled down, and from the smell of it, a bit more soiled than before, please answer that question. You all said "no", right? RIGHT? Don't make me brandish Mr-Happy-Fun-Cannon again.... Good. You all really DID say "no".
Well Congratulations.
You're smarter than THAT guy....
At least the other guy we got with a tampered permit that night had the "decency" if you will to think we wouldn't notice that 3 inch wide and 5 inch long scribble of sharpie he used to oh-so-subtly blot out the old dates before writing new ones.... at least that was with a felt tip pen and not an artistic tool wielded only by those still in kindergarden. (And it was on a vehicle with New York tags, just to keep track of the wide diversity of idiots this country produces from every corner and walk of life!)
By comparison, this crayola-lover's car had PA plates...
why me? Why must they choose to live near me?! You're making my home state look bad, if not WORSE than usual! We already are home to mine fires that wipe out entire towns, the Philadelphia Phillies and the only native son of ours to hold the White House was James Buchanan, widely considered the WORST chief executive in history..... you're NOT helping! Brand Loyalty
So loyal in fact, it's affecting his view of reality.... as you'll see.
*ring*
-Friendly Neighborhood Towing, how can I
-Yeah, I think ya'll towed muh car!
-What kind and from where?
-Blue Chevy, I was parked at Whattaburger
-Uh, I'll see if we have a Blue Chevy of somekind, but there's no Whattaburger in this town..... ah, we have a dark blue Chevy Lumina, from the McDonald's on Park st. That yours?
-Nah man! I was at Whattaburger
-We don't have a Whattaburger in this town, sir And the only car I have that's close to yours is this one from McDonalds
-But I was at Whattaburger.....
-Then it's not yours, becasue there isn't one of those around here
-But I was there!
-We don't have one
-Aw, man, do you have my car or not? Wait, hang on.... *shouts to someone else* Yo! What's the name of this *bleep*in place we at? .... What? ........ What.... oh........ Yeah, I was at McDonalds, what's it gonna cost.
-$130, cash credit or debit, no checks
-Cool, I'll be in
He's lucky I'm not charging him BRAIN CELLS, because it sounds like he'd only be able to fork over one and I can't make change....
I try NOT to get a swelled head, I really do, but, too many phone calls like THAT one this month, and I find myself thinking "LORD, WHAT FOOLS THESE MORTALS BE!!!!"
That's a sign of severe mental distress, I'm pretty sure, but I'd like a confirmed sane population to form the baseline to compare it to, not the folks who inhabit THIS town.
Aaaaaaaand, this week's a FOOT-EFFIN-BALL weekend...... better start getting those pill bottles in the spice rack lined up in the right order..... this could get messy.
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