Things I Have Learned Working at a Hotel
Things I have learned working at a hotel.
• Curtains, alarm clocks, and HVAC units are as hard to operate as the Large Hadron Collider.
• One hair on a bed (even if it came from your head) means the bed is filthy.
• After a certain age (said age being approximately 20), grown adults lose the ability to dial a phone. Therefore they are unable to call cabs for themselves. Also, the front desk agents who call for them are psychic and therefore know exactly where said cabs are at all times.
• It's bad that you have an auto-booking number for the local taxi company; booking you a cab should take at least 5 minutes of waiting on hold and then painstakingly explaining the your name, route, method of payment, dog's name, favorite color and whether your prefer boxers or briefs.
• Check in and check out times are suggestions; feel free to show up and leave whenever you feel like it. Desk staff especially likes it when you walk in the door at 7am and expect your room to be ready (check in is 3pm).
• Hotels don't really need to be paid for their services, saying "my friend is good for it, he should have called you" will suffice.
• The desk staff does not need any kind of paperwork to confirm you have permission to use the card of someone who isn't here; identity theft is just something the news made up.
• Your favorite foods should magically appear every morning at the (free) breakfast. If they don't, whining at the breakfast host and/or front desk staff will make said foods materialize out of thin air.
• The hotel running out of free newspapers at 10am on a Sunday morning (when breakfast has been open since 6am) is an epic catastrophe that will cause the fabric of space and time to collapse and the entirety of existence to dissolve into the void.
• Hotel front desks are free print shops; we'll be HAPPY to make 257 copies of that booklet for you, without charging a cent!
• We're also happy to fax your crumbled-up piece of notebook paper. We'll be happy to dance around the copier for 10 minutes trying to get a good copy of your chicken-scratch so that the crumbled original doesn't jam our machine.
• The front desk printers are the only printers that exist on planet earth. Therefore if you need a printout of your receipt, you can't possibly print the emailed PDF we sent you on your own equipment, you MUST make us do it, holding up the line and letting the phone ring while we do.
• Make sure to ask questions when you see the agent counting the drawer; they'll be happy to miss their bus home to tell you things you could have found out in 3 seconds by using Google.
• It's our fault if the cab we called for you smells bad. Feel free to demand compensation.
• Leave something at the hotel? It's important but you "can't" come back for it? Of COURSE we'll arrange a courier to bring it to you. Be sure to throw a fit if we charge your card for that. After all, your kid leaving his backpack in the lobby was OUR fault.
Things I have learned working at a hotel.
• Curtains, alarm clocks, and HVAC units are as hard to operate as the Large Hadron Collider.
• One hair on a bed (even if it came from your head) means the bed is filthy.
• After a certain age (said age being approximately 20), grown adults lose the ability to dial a phone. Therefore they are unable to call cabs for themselves. Also, the front desk agents who call for them are psychic and therefore know exactly where said cabs are at all times.
• It's bad that you have an auto-booking number for the local taxi company; booking you a cab should take at least 5 minutes of waiting on hold and then painstakingly explaining the your name, route, method of payment, dog's name, favorite color and whether your prefer boxers or briefs.
• Check in and check out times are suggestions; feel free to show up and leave whenever you feel like it. Desk staff especially likes it when you walk in the door at 7am and expect your room to be ready (check in is 3pm).
• Hotels don't really need to be paid for their services, saying "my friend is good for it, he should have called you" will suffice.
• The desk staff does not need any kind of paperwork to confirm you have permission to use the card of someone who isn't here; identity theft is just something the news made up.
• Your favorite foods should magically appear every morning at the (free) breakfast. If they don't, whining at the breakfast host and/or front desk staff will make said foods materialize out of thin air.
• The hotel running out of free newspapers at 10am on a Sunday morning (when breakfast has been open since 6am) is an epic catastrophe that will cause the fabric of space and time to collapse and the entirety of existence to dissolve into the void.
• Hotel front desks are free print shops; we'll be HAPPY to make 257 copies of that booklet for you, without charging a cent!
• We're also happy to fax your crumbled-up piece of notebook paper. We'll be happy to dance around the copier for 10 minutes trying to get a good copy of your chicken-scratch so that the crumbled original doesn't jam our machine.
• The front desk printers are the only printers that exist on planet earth. Therefore if you need a printout of your receipt, you can't possibly print the emailed PDF we sent you on your own equipment, you MUST make us do it, holding up the line and letting the phone ring while we do.
• Make sure to ask questions when you see the agent counting the drawer; they'll be happy to miss their bus home to tell you things you could have found out in 3 seconds by using Google.
• It's our fault if the cab we called for you smells bad. Feel free to demand compensation.
• Leave something at the hotel? It's important but you "can't" come back for it? Of COURSE we'll arrange a courier to bring it to you. Be sure to throw a fit if we charge your card for that. After all, your kid leaving his backpack in the lobby was OUR fault.
Comment