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I feared for my life...(PS, I'm a jerk.)
<.<
Epic Mob
I knew the true meaning of fear tonight. For tonight a man stepped on my Sky train that was so frightening that I could only cower in my seat and await his passing. Hoping I was beneath the notice of this ogre's fearful gaze. For he had no hair....and no neck...and not really even a chin to be honest. He was covered in mighty tattoos of war and pierced beyond reason. For no apparent reason "Sapphire" was branded into the back of his head.
His formidable, near planet like girth required not one, not two, but FOUR seats to contain. Two to sit on, and the two in front of it to lean forward on up to his armpits and rest the upperhalf of his massive, sea lion like body upon. I could only fear for my life and hope he departed soon.
When he finally did move to get off ( an event akin to watching landside crush a small village while dogs barked and children cried. ) I once again cowered, fearful. Luckily I was far beneath his gaze, much like a Hobbit, and was able to elude his dull senses.
Still, I saw my life flash before my eyes!
Unspoken
SC: "How far away from the airport is it?"
Me: "About 5 miles."
SC: "…….."
Me: "…….."
Me: "Would you like to book a room there?"
SC: "Well aren't you going to tell me where it is?!"
Oh, I'm sorry. Did you ask the question via telepathy or did you attempt to signal it too me with your mighty plumage? Because I assure I'm not capable of understand either form of communication. Nor did you identify yourself clearly as a psychic hypno-peacock when I first answered. Next time just say so up front and I'll see what I can do to accommodate the travel delays in your grassroots level invasion of Earth.
867
Me: "Would you like to order anything else?"
SC: "Uh……uh…"
Me: "….?"
SC: "I'm a lil bit lost here."
Yes, that does seem to be a trend up there doesn't it? In fact I'm pretty sure for every one of you that actually manages to locate the phone to call me there are 5 more stumbling around the backyard wearing their underwear on their head with their pants on backwards alternating between yelling "Marco!" and accusing the phone of cheating.
867
SC: "Yeah, can I get another extension?"
Me: "Another extension? I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you're referring too?"
SC: "On my delivery. I need another extension."
Me: "You mean your delivery has already arrived at the post office?"
( and you can't pay for it? )
SC: "Yeah, it arrived on the 27th, but I need more time to get money."
…the 27th…so let me get this straight: You ordered it, it took two weeks to arrive, then you begged us not to have it sent it back till you could get the money….Then after another some odd 3 weeks passed you're calling to beg us not to have it sent back again? So you ordered it knowing you didn't have the cash and you could not make the cash in 5 weeks? You know, usually I just assume half the people that call me at night are complete losers. Rarely do they come right out and identify themselves up front. I am impressed. Not in a good way, mind you. But I am impressed. Bravo.
Surely there were enough empty beer bottles in and around your home for you to pay it off with the turn in refund alone? No? Hmmm….right, ok, we need something suitable for your current skill level. I doubt you can be trusted with the stock as a bootlegger or a grow op. I guess that leaves selling your sister's panties on eBay. Hrm, of course that needs a computer. I guess you could take out a classified ad? Do you have a newspaper there? No? Well I guess you're going door to door with them then.
Better hurry up, your 37 hats are waiting.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!
Me: "Did you see it on TV?"
SC: "Oh, yes."
Me: "Do you remember what channel it was on?"
SC: "Oh, I have no idea. I never use to use this TV thing, eh? But it's raining out so I was just going to take it easy tonight. Sister Mary in Heaven knows what I'm doing so its ok. I did all my dishes and I did part of my laundry. Then I did…what else did I do? Oh, I had breakfast and then I cleaned the bathroom. I did a lot of things! I'm proud of myself. Even if I didn't get much sleep. But that's what wakes me up."
Me: "Ok, well you should receive it in the mail in a few days then-"
SC: "Oh? <she begins to laugh for no apparent reason>"
Me: "……."
( She laughs insanely for a approximately 33 seconds straight according to the call logger. While I slowly went from politely patient to silently terrified. )
Me: "Ok, so'll you'll receive it in a couple of days, alright?"
SC: "Ahahahahaah, it has to get on the truck. We don't get any mail on Saturday!"
Me: "…..well yes, you'll receive it some time next week, ok?"
SC: "Hahahahahah, whats your name?"
Me: "Gravekeeper"
SC: "Gravekeeper? You're a nice guy Gravekeeper. God bless you!"
Wow…just….wow. God did something there alright. I'm not sure I would use the term "bless" though.
Deception
SC: "Yeah, I've been out here for 15 minutes and there's no sign of a shuttle!"
Me: "Pardon? Did you call the hotel and ask for a shuttle pick up?"
SC: "No, I called you earlier to book a room and you guys told me to come out here and wait for the shuttle at, uh.....Bay 6!"
Me: "We did? That’s unusual, we don't have shuttle information. What was the name of the hotel?"
SC: "I don't know! They didn't tell me! All they did was give me a confirmation number and tell me to come out here to bay 6 and wait for the shuttle."
Me: "Hmm, alright, well let me give you the hotel's phone number and you can call them for a pick up."
SC: "Ok."
Psst…..hey you. Yeah you, dick walrus. *I* was the one who booked your room earlier and I DID tell you the name of the hotel as well as its phone number and I did advise you to call them for the shuttle. Though I admire your worthless attempt at shifting blame from your own stupidity. You would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids.
867
Me: "Alright, and what's your phone number?"
SC: "xxxx"
Me: "Ok, but what's the entire number?"
SC: "xxx-xxxx"
Me: "Ok, what's the area code?"
SC: "<gives her postal code>"
Me: "Alright, but what's the area code for your phone number?"
SC: "xxx"
Me: "Thank you."
I feel like I'm trying to pan for gold half the time on this line. In a *really* murky river. That’s downstream from a nuclear waste storage facility with slack safety regulations.
<shudder>
Me: "Alright, is that D-e-b-r-a or?"
SC: "D-e-b-o-r-a-h"
Me: "Ok-"
SC: "<toilet flush>"
……ah, lovely. Thank you for sharing that moment. What a wildly appropriate sound to accompany yet another lose in my faith in humanity.
Day Two: Complete.
Epic Mob
I knew the true meaning of fear tonight. For tonight a man stepped on my Sky train that was so frightening that I could only cower in my seat and await his passing. Hoping I was beneath the notice of this ogre's fearful gaze. For he had no hair....and no neck...and not really even a chin to be honest. He was covered in mighty tattoos of war and pierced beyond reason. For no apparent reason "Sapphire" was branded into the back of his head.
His formidable, near planet like girth required not one, not two, but FOUR seats to contain. Two to sit on, and the two in front of it to lean forward on up to his armpits and rest the upperhalf of his massive, sea lion like body upon. I could only fear for my life and hope he departed soon.
When he finally did move to get off ( an event akin to watching landside crush a small village while dogs barked and children cried. ) I once again cowered, fearful. Luckily I was far beneath his gaze, much like a Hobbit, and was able to elude his dull senses.
Still, I saw my life flash before my eyes!
Unspoken
SC: "How far away from the airport is it?"
Me: "About 5 miles."
SC: "…….."
Me: "…….."
Me: "Would you like to book a room there?"
SC: "Well aren't you going to tell me where it is?!"
Oh, I'm sorry. Did you ask the question via telepathy or did you attempt to signal it too me with your mighty plumage? Because I assure I'm not capable of understand either form of communication. Nor did you identify yourself clearly as a psychic hypno-peacock when I first answered. Next time just say so up front and I'll see what I can do to accommodate the travel delays in your grassroots level invasion of Earth.
867
Me: "Would you like to order anything else?"
SC: "Uh……uh…"
Me: "….?"
SC: "I'm a lil bit lost here."
Yes, that does seem to be a trend up there doesn't it? In fact I'm pretty sure for every one of you that actually manages to locate the phone to call me there are 5 more stumbling around the backyard wearing their underwear on their head with their pants on backwards alternating between yelling "Marco!" and accusing the phone of cheating.
867
SC: "Yeah, can I get another extension?"
Me: "Another extension? I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you're referring too?"
SC: "On my delivery. I need another extension."
Me: "You mean your delivery has already arrived at the post office?"
( and you can't pay for it? )
SC: "Yeah, it arrived on the 27th, but I need more time to get money."
…the 27th…so let me get this straight: You ordered it, it took two weeks to arrive, then you begged us not to have it sent it back till you could get the money….Then after another some odd 3 weeks passed you're calling to beg us not to have it sent back again? So you ordered it knowing you didn't have the cash and you could not make the cash in 5 weeks? You know, usually I just assume half the people that call me at night are complete losers. Rarely do they come right out and identify themselves up front. I am impressed. Not in a good way, mind you. But I am impressed. Bravo.
Surely there were enough empty beer bottles in and around your home for you to pay it off with the turn in refund alone? No? Hmmm….right, ok, we need something suitable for your current skill level. I doubt you can be trusted with the stock as a bootlegger or a grow op. I guess that leaves selling your sister's panties on eBay. Hrm, of course that needs a computer. I guess you could take out a classified ad? Do you have a newspaper there? No? Well I guess you're going door to door with them then.
Better hurry up, your 37 hats are waiting.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!
Me: "Did you see it on TV?"
SC: "Oh, yes."
Me: "Do you remember what channel it was on?"
SC: "Oh, I have no idea. I never use to use this TV thing, eh? But it's raining out so I was just going to take it easy tonight. Sister Mary in Heaven knows what I'm doing so its ok. I did all my dishes and I did part of my laundry. Then I did…what else did I do? Oh, I had breakfast and then I cleaned the bathroom. I did a lot of things! I'm proud of myself. Even if I didn't get much sleep. But that's what wakes me up."
Me: "Ok, well you should receive it in the mail in a few days then-"
SC: "Oh? <she begins to laugh for no apparent reason>"
Me: "……."
( She laughs insanely for a approximately 33 seconds straight according to the call logger. While I slowly went from politely patient to silently terrified. )
Me: "Ok, so'll you'll receive it in a couple of days, alright?"
SC: "Ahahahahaah, it has to get on the truck. We don't get any mail on Saturday!"
Me: "…..well yes, you'll receive it some time next week, ok?"
SC: "Hahahahahah, whats your name?"
Me: "Gravekeeper"
SC: "Gravekeeper? You're a nice guy Gravekeeper. God bless you!"
Wow…just….wow. God did something there alright. I'm not sure I would use the term "bless" though.
Deception
SC: "Yeah, I've been out here for 15 minutes and there's no sign of a shuttle!"
Me: "Pardon? Did you call the hotel and ask for a shuttle pick up?"
SC: "No, I called you earlier to book a room and you guys told me to come out here and wait for the shuttle at, uh.....Bay 6!"
Me: "We did? That’s unusual, we don't have shuttle information. What was the name of the hotel?"
SC: "I don't know! They didn't tell me! All they did was give me a confirmation number and tell me to come out here to bay 6 and wait for the shuttle."
Me: "Hmm, alright, well let me give you the hotel's phone number and you can call them for a pick up."
SC: "Ok."
Psst…..hey you. Yeah you, dick walrus. *I* was the one who booked your room earlier and I DID tell you the name of the hotel as well as its phone number and I did advise you to call them for the shuttle. Though I admire your worthless attempt at shifting blame from your own stupidity. You would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids.
867
Me: "Alright, and what's your phone number?"
SC: "xxxx"
Me: "Ok, but what's the entire number?"
SC: "xxx-xxxx"
Me: "Ok, what's the area code?"
SC: "<gives her postal code>"
Me: "Alright, but what's the area code for your phone number?"
SC: "xxx"
Me: "Thank you."
I feel like I'm trying to pan for gold half the time on this line. In a *really* murky river. That’s downstream from a nuclear waste storage facility with slack safety regulations.
<shudder>
Me: "Alright, is that D-e-b-r-a or?"
SC: "D-e-b-o-r-a-h"
Me: "Ok-"
SC: "<toilet flush>"
……ah, lovely. Thank you for sharing that moment. What a wildly appropriate sound to accompany yet another lose in my faith in humanity.
Day Two: Complete.
Or Watchtower pamphlets? 
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