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As most of you know, I live in Key West. And on this quirky little island, we have many, many events, some bigger than others, some stranger than others, but most of them somewhat fun. This time of year is especially busy....at the end of October we had our Fantasy Fest, our biggest craziest event of the year; this last weekend, directly on the heels of that is a Parrothead festival; next weekend is the Powerboat Races.
Regarding the Parrotheads, for those of you who don't know, a Parrothead is a fanatical devotee of Jimmy Buffett and his music. Since Jimmy really started his career in Key West, has many ties here, and has many songs generally or specifically about the place, it makes sense that Parrotheads would flock here when they can, and specifically during the Parrohead festival the first weekend of November. And while as a group they have a reputation for being cheap and lousy tippers, I have found that MOST of them are pretty decent folks, with a few really bad apples thrown in the mix. Now, I was GOING to make a post about some of the dealings I had with them at The Bar this last weekend, but the minor problems I had did not compare to this guy, who announced on Craigslist that he is pretty much a world class asshole. Me being who I am, I feel the need to respond to this yahoo, both here and to him directly (I'll be emailing him, yes I will!)
First of all, dude, you say we need to prepare for 3,000 invading Parrotheads. Dude, we're Key West. We just had EIGHTY THOUSAND PEOPLE come down here for Fantasy Fest. 3,000? Please. That is a horribly slow day. For the record, we get a hell of a lot more Parrotheads down here for your little festival than a measly 3,000. But even with the large numbers we do get, we just through dealing with Fantasy Fest, where this island of 28,000 residents were invaded by (let me repeat this) EIGHTY THOUSAND PEOPLE!
You tells us to look for you by 2pm. Buddy, first of all, there are going to be thousands of your fellow Parrotheads. We don't know you specifically, so we sure as hell ain't looking for you. Also, I'd like to point out that the laidback lifestyle Jimmy sings about, that Parrotheads claim to like so much, well we LIVE that lifestyle down here in Key West. 2pm is a very specific time. We can't be bothered by such things. We're on island time. Loosen up and try it out yourself.
You say you plan on hitting on any of the local goodlooking women. Yeah, nothing gets women's panties in a knot like a guy letting them know he is going to be hitting on any and all of them he fancies. I am sure they're gonna be lining up waiting for your seductive attentions, pal. Oh, wait....I forgot...most of them are going to be working, dealing with you and your Parrothead friends. And those that aren't working? Well, a lot of Key Westers are sick to death of Jimmy Buffett music, and the vast majority of them won't come within spitting distance of the Parrothead throng. Even to be seduced by someone as charming as yourself.
You say you've heard that the locals believe that the Parrotheads are crappy tippers. The reason that Parrotheads have that reputation is because a lot of them ARE crappy tippers. It is NOT, as you seem to believe, merely an unwarranted stereotype perpetuated by the locals due to some anti-Parrothead bias. Frankly, a lot of your lot do suck at tipping. And by suck I mean grade A all star Hoover action here.
You then follow it up with your line in the sand, that you'll only tip for good service. Lousy service will get a lousy tip. Okay, that's fine. I can see that. But then you go on to say that you won't be tipping a buck every time someone serves you a beer. I don't agree with it completely, but I can see why someone might not want to throw down a tip just for someone opening a beer. Hell, maybe you want to run a tab for a while and then tip on that. Maybe you want to tip every other drink. Okay. I am going to part ways with most of my service friends and say I can even see that.
But then you get downright offensive.
You say you hope that the bar owners have staffed up so they can deal with the 3,000 of you coming and you won't have to be 4 deep at the bar. Two things, buddy. One, if it were only 3,000 of y'all coming, the bar owners would need to scale down their staffs so they all wouldn't be standing around bored. Secondly, since there ARE a lot more of you coming, and you WILL fill the bars, you WILL be 4 deep at the bar, no matter how much staff is there. That is a simple fact.
You say you won't tip "every time some bimbo pulls a cold one out of the fridge..." Ignoring the tipping part, which I addressed above, I'd like to point out that you just referred to our hardworking local women, the ones you plan on hitting on, as bimbos. Yeah. Right. I am sure that that attitude will not only add to the sterling reputation Parrotheads have as tippers and customers in general, but will also strongly bolster your chances of success of getting one or more of them into your bed. Riiiiiiight.....
You go on to excuse your plans of not tipping well by saying that the bar owners jack the prices up, and that should cover the wages of the staff. Two things: 1. Most of the bars I know didn't jack the prices up. 2. If they did, what makes you think that the STAFF is seeing any of that extra money, hmmm?
And yet more excuses for not tipping: you don't want to support our drug and alcohol habit. So now all Key Westers are druggies and drunks, huh? And you are coming to this island why? And you are ANNOUNCING your impending arrival to us WHY? Great way to make a fine impression with your hosts, pal. Are there people in Key West with drug and alcohol problems? Of course there are. And I am sure that Key West is the only place with people with such problems, that no one else anywhere else has drug and alcohol problems. Certainly not in the Midwestern rat hole you crawled out of....I am sure everyone up there is just peachy keen perfect. Sarcasm aside, buddy, I gotta tell you, I've lived on this island for eight years, and the vast majority of people here do not have problems with drugs or alochol, and the vast majority of people here manage to hold down jobs and get to them each and every day without an issue, even if that job is serving an unpleasant tourist asshole like yourself.
Now, once you got through calling us a bunch of degenerates, you continued by saying it didn't matter, since it wasn't as if anyone down here was saving up for college. Yep, we're all uneducated drunken idiots who are only here to serve you. Listen, jackass, there are lots of people down here who actually are college-educated, and choose to live down here. Why? It's a fun town, the weather (usually) rocks, and it is not like your average normal boring American city. It's different. And that's why you are coming here anyway, right?
Do us all a favor next year. When the Parrotheads come here, rather than announcing your imminent arrival, and dragging the Parrothead reputation even furhter into the mud, do your Parrothead brethren and us drunken drugged out uneducated bimbos all a favor, and STAY THE FUCK HOME!
Regarding the Parrotheads, for those of you who don't know, a Parrothead is a fanatical devotee of Jimmy Buffett and his music. Since Jimmy really started his career in Key West, has many ties here, and has many songs generally or specifically about the place, it makes sense that Parrotheads would flock here when they can, and specifically during the Parrohead festival the first weekend of November. And while as a group they have a reputation for being cheap and lousy tippers, I have found that MOST of them are pretty decent folks, with a few really bad apples thrown in the mix. Now, I was GOING to make a post about some of the dealings I had with them at The Bar this last weekend, but the minor problems I had did not compare to this guy, who announced on Craigslist that he is pretty much a world class asshole. Me being who I am, I feel the need to respond to this yahoo, both here and to him directly (I'll be emailing him, yes I will!)
First of all, dude, you say we need to prepare for 3,000 invading Parrotheads. Dude, we're Key West. We just had EIGHTY THOUSAND PEOPLE come down here for Fantasy Fest. 3,000? Please. That is a horribly slow day. For the record, we get a hell of a lot more Parrotheads down here for your little festival than a measly 3,000. But even with the large numbers we do get, we just through dealing with Fantasy Fest, where this island of 28,000 residents were invaded by (let me repeat this) EIGHTY THOUSAND PEOPLE!
You tells us to look for you by 2pm. Buddy, first of all, there are going to be thousands of your fellow Parrotheads. We don't know you specifically, so we sure as hell ain't looking for you. Also, I'd like to point out that the laidback lifestyle Jimmy sings about, that Parrotheads claim to like so much, well we LIVE that lifestyle down here in Key West. 2pm is a very specific time. We can't be bothered by such things. We're on island time. Loosen up and try it out yourself.
You say you plan on hitting on any of the local goodlooking women. Yeah, nothing gets women's panties in a knot like a guy letting them know he is going to be hitting on any and all of them he fancies. I am sure they're gonna be lining up waiting for your seductive attentions, pal. Oh, wait....I forgot...most of them are going to be working, dealing with you and your Parrothead friends. And those that aren't working? Well, a lot of Key Westers are sick to death of Jimmy Buffett music, and the vast majority of them won't come within spitting distance of the Parrothead throng. Even to be seduced by someone as charming as yourself.
You say you've heard that the locals believe that the Parrotheads are crappy tippers. The reason that Parrotheads have that reputation is because a lot of them ARE crappy tippers. It is NOT, as you seem to believe, merely an unwarranted stereotype perpetuated by the locals due to some anti-Parrothead bias. Frankly, a lot of your lot do suck at tipping. And by suck I mean grade A all star Hoover action here.
You then follow it up with your line in the sand, that you'll only tip for good service. Lousy service will get a lousy tip. Okay, that's fine. I can see that. But then you go on to say that you won't be tipping a buck every time someone serves you a beer. I don't agree with it completely, but I can see why someone might not want to throw down a tip just for someone opening a beer. Hell, maybe you want to run a tab for a while and then tip on that. Maybe you want to tip every other drink. Okay. I am going to part ways with most of my service friends and say I can even see that.
But then you get downright offensive.
You say you hope that the bar owners have staffed up so they can deal with the 3,000 of you coming and you won't have to be 4 deep at the bar. Two things, buddy. One, if it were only 3,000 of y'all coming, the bar owners would need to scale down their staffs so they all wouldn't be standing around bored. Secondly, since there ARE a lot more of you coming, and you WILL fill the bars, you WILL be 4 deep at the bar, no matter how much staff is there. That is a simple fact.
You say you won't tip "every time some bimbo pulls a cold one out of the fridge..." Ignoring the tipping part, which I addressed above, I'd like to point out that you just referred to our hardworking local women, the ones you plan on hitting on, as bimbos. Yeah. Right. I am sure that that attitude will not only add to the sterling reputation Parrotheads have as tippers and customers in general, but will also strongly bolster your chances of success of getting one or more of them into your bed. Riiiiiiight.....
You go on to excuse your plans of not tipping well by saying that the bar owners jack the prices up, and that should cover the wages of the staff. Two things: 1. Most of the bars I know didn't jack the prices up. 2. If they did, what makes you think that the STAFF is seeing any of that extra money, hmmm?
And yet more excuses for not tipping: you don't want to support our drug and alcohol habit. So now all Key Westers are druggies and drunks, huh? And you are coming to this island why? And you are ANNOUNCING your impending arrival to us WHY? Great way to make a fine impression with your hosts, pal. Are there people in Key West with drug and alcohol problems? Of course there are. And I am sure that Key West is the only place with people with such problems, that no one else anywhere else has drug and alcohol problems. Certainly not in the Midwestern rat hole you crawled out of....I am sure everyone up there is just peachy keen perfect. Sarcasm aside, buddy, I gotta tell you, I've lived on this island for eight years, and the vast majority of people here do not have problems with drugs or alochol, and the vast majority of people here manage to hold down jobs and get to them each and every day without an issue, even if that job is serving an unpleasant tourist asshole like yourself.
Now, once you got through calling us a bunch of degenerates, you continued by saying it didn't matter, since it wasn't as if anyone down here was saving up for college. Yep, we're all uneducated drunken idiots who are only here to serve you. Listen, jackass, there are lots of people down here who actually are college-educated, and choose to live down here. Why? It's a fun town, the weather (usually) rocks, and it is not like your average normal boring American city. It's different. And that's why you are coming here anyway, right?
Do us all a favor next year. When the Parrotheads come here, rather than announcing your imminent arrival, and dragging the Parrothead reputation even furhter into the mud, do your Parrothead brethren and us drunken drugged out uneducated bimbos all a favor, and STAY THE FUCK HOME!
On behalf of service people everywhere, thank you, and I hope you send the unedited version to this douchenozzle. 
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