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And a big FU to half my callers this week, because they deserve it. Where's Bob The Goat to put these people in their place when I need him? 
Me: *opening call schpiel*
German Guy: *sigh* My number, AGAIN, is 123-456-7890.
Me: Thank you, and your name?
GG: *sigh* AGAIN, it is Mr. John "Entitlement whore" Schmidt.
Me: Okay, sir I just need to complete a security verification on your order. Can you please... (about this time I realize the noise I am hearing in the background is a pre-flight recording---you know, the one you hear where the stewardesses explain to you how your emergency devices work, what's located where, have a nice flight, etc.? Yeah. That one.)
GG: I don't have a social security number.
Me: Okay, then what I can do instead is call your bank and have them verify some information with you, all right?
GG: *sigh* Okay fine.
Me: I call the bank and then connect customer on the line with us. Sir, I have a representative from your bank on the line and she is going to verify some information with you, all right?
GG: What?! I think this has gone far enough! What do you think you are doing, messing with people on Christmas Eve?! I am trying to put money on the phone so I can call family and you have to give me a hard time?! What is wrong with you?! Are you dense?!
Me: Sir, I am trying to protect your credit card. We do this for every credit card that goes through our system.
GG: Well this is not acceptable! I---
Suddenly I hear a stewardess tell him he needs to get off his phone because the plane is about to take off. He then proceeds to argue with her for 15-20 seconds before the phone disconnects. All I heard was "What the hell do you want? No I won't hang up! I am trying to put time on my phone, dammit! Leave me the hell alone!"
I'm hoping the stewardess cold-clocked him. That would be the best Christmas present ever!
______________________________________________
Me: Dialing a number on a ticket---Hello, may I speak to Liz Taylor, please?
SC: This is she.
Me: Hello, I am calling from UTalk2Much phone cards about an order that was placed ten minutes ago?
SC: (Suspiciously)Yes? Is there something wrong?
Me: No Ma'am, the order just needs to be run through a security verification before it can be processed.
SC: (suspiciously) Ohhkay...
Me: I am showing that you placed an order for $25 using a mastercard that ends in #1234. is that correct?
SC: (very suspiciously) Yes.
Me: Is that your credit card, ma'am?
SC: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?! I DON'T SEE HOW IT IS ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS WHOSE CARD IT IS!
Me: My name is TPG, and I am with UTalk2Much phone cards, Ma'am. I'm trying to verify that you are the authorized signer for this credit card. Can you please verify your billing address for me?
SC: ARE YOU TOO STUPID TO WATCH THE NEWS?! PEOPLE USE THE PHONE FOR SCAMS ALL THE TIME! THEY CALL AND TRY TO GET INFORMATION OFF OF YOU! I AM NOT GIVING YOU ANY MORE INFORMATION! DON'T YOU EVER WATCH THE NEWS?! HOW DO I KNOW YOU WON'T SEND SOME MURDERING RAPIST TO MY DOOR?!
Me: Ma'am I---*click*
I was tempted to ask the room for a volunteer, but I restrained myself.
Barely.
_________________________________________________
Me: Sir, is this your credit card?
Idiot: huh? Uh...hehehe...sound of a bong bubbling unh...what did you say, man?
Me: Is this your credit card?
Idiot: Nah, it's my buddies card.
Me: Okay, is he available?
Idiot: Uh...well he's a little *gigglegiggle* indisposed at the moment. Hey dude, put the bong down man! She wants to talk to you!
Idiot #2: Y'ello?
Me: Hello, sir I have an order for $50 using a visa card that ends in #1234. Is this your card?
I#2: Yeah, yeah. Hey man, we should get some porn!
Idiot#1 in background: Yeah man! We should get some...some clown porn!
Me: All right sir, I just need to verify your identity as the authorized signer for this credit card.
I#2: Clown porn! Do they even have clown porn!
Me: Hello? Sir, are you listening to me?
I#1 in background: Of course they make clown porn! they make EVERY kind of porn nowdays. Dude, they even make MIDGET PORN!!!
I#2: MIDGET PORN! That's so awesome, man! We need to get us some midget porn! Oh yeah, I wanna see midget porn! Hell yeah!
Me: Um...Sir? Hello?
I#1 in background: Is there a Castle Superstore around here, man?!
I#2: Yeah, there's one down on Franklin Street! OH DUDE! If anyone would have MIDGET PORN it's gotta be them, man!
Me: Hellooooo! Hello! Do you still want this order, sir?
I#1: Dude! Let's go to Castle Superstore! I can call her later, man!
I#2: AWESOME, DUDE!
Me: HELLO!
I#2: Oh, sorry Ma'am. Yeah, can we, um, cancel this order?
Me: You want to cancel this order?
I#2: yeah. We, um, need to go, um, do something first.
Me: Right. Okay, your cancellation number is 98765432.
I#2: Um, did you hear our conversation, man?
Me: Yes, yes I did.
I#2: Oh, man! I'm sorry, dude! I hope we didn't piss you off or anything! I mean, I hope you're not a midget or anything!
Me:
No, sir, I am not a dwarf. But just so you know, the term midget is kind of insulting.
I#2: Really? Oh, man, thanks! I'll remember that!
I don't even know what to say at this point. I think all the pot has rotted his brain into Swiss cheese.
Me: *opening call schpiel*
German Guy: *sigh* My number, AGAIN, is 123-456-7890.
Me: Thank you, and your name?
GG: *sigh* AGAIN, it is Mr. John "Entitlement whore" Schmidt.
Me: Okay, sir I just need to complete a security verification on your order. Can you please... (about this time I realize the noise I am hearing in the background is a pre-flight recording---you know, the one you hear where the stewardesses explain to you how your emergency devices work, what's located where, have a nice flight, etc.? Yeah. That one.)
GG: I don't have a social security number.
Me: Okay, then what I can do instead is call your bank and have them verify some information with you, all right?
GG: *sigh* Okay fine.
Me: I call the bank and then connect customer on the line with us. Sir, I have a representative from your bank on the line and she is going to verify some information with you, all right?
GG: What?! I think this has gone far enough! What do you think you are doing, messing with people on Christmas Eve?! I am trying to put money on the phone so I can call family and you have to give me a hard time?! What is wrong with you?! Are you dense?!
Me: Sir, I am trying to protect your credit card. We do this for every credit card that goes through our system.
GG: Well this is not acceptable! I---
Suddenly I hear a stewardess tell him he needs to get off his phone because the plane is about to take off. He then proceeds to argue with her for 15-20 seconds before the phone disconnects. All I heard was "What the hell do you want? No I won't hang up! I am trying to put time on my phone, dammit! Leave me the hell alone!"
I'm hoping the stewardess cold-clocked him. That would be the best Christmas present ever!
______________________________________________
Me: Dialing a number on a ticket---Hello, may I speak to Liz Taylor, please?
SC: This is she.
Me: Hello, I am calling from UTalk2Much phone cards about an order that was placed ten minutes ago?
SC: (Suspiciously)Yes? Is there something wrong?
Me: No Ma'am, the order just needs to be run through a security verification before it can be processed.
SC: (suspiciously) Ohhkay...
Me: I am showing that you placed an order for $25 using a mastercard that ends in #1234. is that correct?
SC: (very suspiciously) Yes.
Me: Is that your credit card, ma'am?
SC: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?! I DON'T SEE HOW IT IS ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS WHOSE CARD IT IS!
Me: My name is TPG, and I am with UTalk2Much phone cards, Ma'am. I'm trying to verify that you are the authorized signer for this credit card. Can you please verify your billing address for me?
SC: ARE YOU TOO STUPID TO WATCH THE NEWS?! PEOPLE USE THE PHONE FOR SCAMS ALL THE TIME! THEY CALL AND TRY TO GET INFORMATION OFF OF YOU! I AM NOT GIVING YOU ANY MORE INFORMATION! DON'T YOU EVER WATCH THE NEWS?! HOW DO I KNOW YOU WON'T SEND SOME MURDERING RAPIST TO MY DOOR?!
Me: Ma'am I---*click*
I was tempted to ask the room for a volunteer, but I restrained myself.
Barely._________________________________________________
Me: Sir, is this your credit card?
Idiot: huh? Uh...hehehe...sound of a bong bubbling unh...what did you say, man?
Me: Is this your credit card?
Idiot: Nah, it's my buddies card.
Me: Okay, is he available?
Idiot: Uh...well he's a little *gigglegiggle* indisposed at the moment. Hey dude, put the bong down man! She wants to talk to you!
Idiot #2: Y'ello?
Me: Hello, sir I have an order for $50 using a visa card that ends in #1234. Is this your card?
I#2: Yeah, yeah. Hey man, we should get some porn!
Idiot#1 in background: Yeah man! We should get some...some clown porn!
Me: All right sir, I just need to verify your identity as the authorized signer for this credit card.
I#2: Clown porn! Do they even have clown porn!
Me: Hello? Sir, are you listening to me?
I#1 in background: Of course they make clown porn! they make EVERY kind of porn nowdays. Dude, they even make MIDGET PORN!!!
I#2: MIDGET PORN! That's so awesome, man! We need to get us some midget porn! Oh yeah, I wanna see midget porn! Hell yeah!
Me: Um...Sir? Hello?
I#1 in background: Is there a Castle Superstore around here, man?!
I#2: Yeah, there's one down on Franklin Street! OH DUDE! If anyone would have MIDGET PORN it's gotta be them, man!
Me: Hellooooo! Hello! Do you still want this order, sir?
I#1: Dude! Let's go to Castle Superstore! I can call her later, man!
I#2: AWESOME, DUDE!
Me: HELLO!
I#2: Oh, sorry Ma'am. Yeah, can we, um, cancel this order?
Me: You want to cancel this order?
I#2: yeah. We, um, need to go, um, do something first.
Me: Right. Okay, your cancellation number is 98765432.
I#2: Um, did you hear our conversation, man?
Me: Yes, yes I did.
I#2: Oh, man! I'm sorry, dude! I hope we didn't piss you off or anything! I mean, I hope you're not a midget or anything!
Me:
No, sir, I am not a dwarf. But just so you know, the term midget is kind of insulting.I#2: Really? Oh, man, thanks! I'll remember that!
I don't even know what to say at this point. I think all the pot has rotted his brain into Swiss cheese.
Okay, I now have enough nightmare fuel to last me through the new year. Thanks.
I've heard of it (I watch CSI) but this entire conversation makes me want to chlorinate the gene pool.
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