SC's Guide to Supermarket Shopping

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Don't forget rule number 8!!!

Forgetting rule number 8 makes the baby Jesus cry.

[Becks]

After the gargoyle with roses tattoo, I'm gonna get "Don't forget rule #8".

[bainsidhe]

Kids:

168) Go ahead and ignore you child's 20 minute tantrum while waiting in line, even as they scream, hit, knock stuff off shelves and roll on the ground. Employees and other customers enjoy the entertainment.

169) Don't forget to smack your kids in public for horrid displays of disobedience. Walking more than one foot away. Quietly looking over and/or gently touching the candy display. How rude!

170) Laugh when the cashier or another employee asks your child to stop doing something potentially dangerous. Employees just have to pretend to be serious. If they weren't working, they'd be laughing too. And don't worry, any injuries really are the store's fault anyway.

171) Don't bother strapping your small child into the cart. A shopping cart is much like a playground and your child should be able to climb, jump and dangle.

172) Smile happily when your child "helps" the cashier scan items by flinging them over the scanner. Thank you child for being helpful if he/she hits the cashier's wrist with a jar of jelly. Cashiers just love "helpers"

Shrinkage:

173) Don't like those pesky self-scanners? Don't worry. Just wait until the cashier isn't looking and start randomly bagging things without paying for them. It's the scanner's fault things weren't ringing anyway. Don't forget to act offended if caught and have to rescan everything. The store should have better equipment if they don't want to lose customers.

174) Act offended when the cashier opens and peers into the luggage and plastic bins your are buying "just in case" any DVDs or other media are stowing away. People steal so infrequently anyway and the cashier should take your word that nothing is inside.

175) Demand the super-sale price shown on the display of discount CDs for the new release title you are purchasing. Even though the new release is listed elsewhere for a higher price and your CD was the ONLY one of that kind of CD on the display. The cashier may suggest another customer randomly left it in the wrong spot, but you know the truth. That's false advertising.

176) Go ahead and declare that no one else would want such crummy product so the cashier should just take a dollar for it and be happy. Even if the cashier says they frequently sell that item for much more, it just means the cashier is ignorant.

177) During a fire alarm, please try to take your unpurchased merchanise outside with you so you can "keep an eye on it". That takes pressure away from the staff and they will appreciate it.

178) Eat a third of a container of food (raisins, chips, candy, etc) and, upon reaching the cashier, declare something is wrong and decide not to take it. It would be wrong of you to lower your standards and pay for something you ate. The employees will appreciate your meticulous nature.

[Marnier]

179) If the price is too high it's ok to switch the sticker for another product. And sometimes if you point it out that it rang up differently then you get it for free.

180)Don't forget Rule #8!!!!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

DO NOT FORGET RULE #8!!!

If you do, Paris Hilton will sic her drunken elephants on you.

[bainsidhe]

Ah crap, I posted and then forgot to include #8!! Public ridicule and scorn will commence.

[MadMike]

If you do, Paris Hilton will sic her drunken elephants on you.

So which one is Paris Hilton, and which one is the drunken elephant?

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

So which one is Paris Hilton, and which one is the drunken elephant?

One stumbles around in a drunken haze, and the other is an elephant.

Okay, that made no sense...

[Brandy]

For Macca's customers:

181. When you order a value meal, and the cashier asks, "Medium or Large?", be sure to answer "Small." Obviously the cashier is trying to hide the lower-priced options from you in an effort to make more money for the store.

182. Please, never bus your table, or pick up your trash from the floor. The $7.75/hr most of the crew makes is more than sufficient to ensure their happiness at picking up half-eaten food, wrappers, and cleaning up pools of ketchup.

183. If the small trashcan at the condiment center is full to overflowing, and there is a lobbyful of customers keeping the staff busy, be sure to leave your trash all over the condiment center instead of walking the 1 foot to the big trashcan. After all, see rule #182. Oh, and then complain about how dirty the store is.

184. Drive-thru is just a suggestion, walking and biking is perfectly acceptable.

185. The staff is perfectly happy to watch your children for you and tell them to stop running on the seats. After all, they have no other jobs to do. They're just glorified baby-sitters.

186. Older teens apparently are not expected to know better then to litter on the floor in front of the staff. After all, its funny creating more work for them to do. They're lazy bums ya know!

187. If you forget rule #8, the Pope will order God to smite thee!!!

[DesignFox]

So which one is Paris Hilton, and which one is the drunken elephant?

The elephant is the one that weighs more than 50 lbs dripping wet... in other words the one that looks healthy.

[TequilaSunrise]

188. OF COURSE you can park in the Fire Lane! We've reserved that spot just for YOU, for your convienence!

189. Since the bathrooms are so far away, please feel free to relieve yourselves in the fitting rooms.

190. To hell with the 6 item limit for trying on garments! Take all you want in there, hell, take the cart with you. Fire hazard, schmire fazard. And any items you don't want, just leave on the floor. Oh yeah, put on the items you do want over your own clothes. We really don't mind.

191. Don't ever forget to ask a person dressed in uniform and sporting a name tag, if they work there. You just never know!

192. God have mercy on your soul if you forget Rule #8.

193. Bought something at Old Navy or Abercrombie and want to return it to our store? Not a problem!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

194. Feel free to call every store in town, asking if they have a particular item, how much it costs, and can they please put it on hold for you. Then purchase it at the store that has the cheapest price. The other stores will not mind at all. It's not as if the item is in high demand or anything.

195. Purchase a big, expensive TV, watch the Super Bowl on it, and then return the TV. Because haven't you heard? Department stores are getting into the rental business now!

196. Consult the pharmacist to find out where we keep the screwdrivers, and solicit free medical advice from the guy working in Toys.

197. You forgot rule #8?! Then may your golf and bowling scores forever be transposed, may your hens get the itch and your cows the disorder, and may your MP3 player only play "Afternoon Delight." Instrumental version, performed by the Dental Waiting Room Musicians Local #275

[Dave1982]

198. When told something you don't like, the best responses are "Are you kidding?!" "You're kidding!" or "Are you serious?!" Clerks have a bizarre sense of humor and tend to make a habit out of saying things you don't like just to get a rise out of you.

199. Loose change should always be proffered after the transaction is complete and the till is closed.

200. Coupons are best when used after the transaction is complete.

201. Don't forget that the quantity, size, brand, and variety listed on the coupon are really just suggestions, not requirements.

202. Counterfeit coupons aren't invalid.

203. YOU break it, YOU bought it does not apply to YOU.

204. The items listed on your WIC checks are really just suggestions. Feel free to substitute more expensive brands or purchase more than the specified amounts.

205. Luxury items such as fresh steamed lobsters, alcoholic beverages, and tobacco products are covered on your WIC check and/or Food Stamps.

206. Shopping carts should never be returned to the corrals. In fact, putting them on traffic islands, taking them an exceptional distance from the store, tipping them over, or allowing them to freely roll through the lot are the preferred options, because it adds excitement and variety for the clerks assigned to collect them.

207. Remember that when another customer obstructs a parking space or damages your vehicle with a cart, it's the store's fault.

208. In the event that the debit/credit system goes offline, this is the fault of the cashiers. They probably pushed the wrong button and caused the system to crash. Be sure to read them the riot act as punishment for their error and insist on paying with a debit/credit card anyway.

209. Yes, you can get a cash advance on your credit card at the register, the same way as getting cash back on debit. They may say that you can't, but they are lying (see Rule 198).

210. See rule #8.

211. The customer is always right and the clerk is always wrong

212. When the customer is wrong, or the clerk is right, see rule 211.

213. Name dropping is a good strategy to getting your way in a dispute.

214. The phrase "this is ridiculous!" is a good way to grease the wheels.

215. Supermarkets love the increased revenue generated by you coming in and buying out the store if even a single flake of snow is forecast to fall.

216. Though we don't advertise it, our clerks are really your personal shoppers. Feel free to present a list, then sit back and wait while we collect, scan, and bag your items while you sit at a register and block it the entire time. Even better, verbally dictate the list one item at a time.

217. Baggers find it to be an exciting challenge when you demand that they bag your milk/water/bleach/etc gallon jugs, then say the bags are too heavy and demand that they be lightened, when the only item in the bag is the gallon jug.

218. Failure to plan on your part constitutes an emergency on our part, so feel free to do your shopping for a major event at the last possible minute. We won't be out of stock of what you need, and if for some unholy reason we are, you should complain loudly. Demand free stuff as compensation. Bonus points for doing this right before a major holiday.

219. Carts? Who needs 'em? Register belts are your own personal staging areas for items.

220. See rule #8

[mattm04]

221. Employees Only signs do not apply to you, feel free to roam the back rooms.

222. If an item is out of stock in the dairy dept. and the dairy clerk check the back and confirms this feel free to ask the produce clerk, th deli clerk, the bakery clerk, etc until you finially whine to the manager

223. Fire lanes ore only suggestions

224. Store hours are only suggestions. Feel free to demand the store open early and stay open an extra hour just for you.

225. Feel free to remind the cashier that an item is on sale before the ring it, as the cashier has to punch a special code to make the computer give you the sale price.

226. Expired coupons are valid.

227. Always give the cashier the coupons after the order and complain when they have to make sure you bought the correct item when a coupon dosen't scan.

228. employees are mind readers and know that you need help when you are at the other end of the store.

229. feel free to talk on your cell phone while trying to order a deli platter, cake or floral arrangement.

[DesignFox]

For cell phone customers:

230) When I give you a "deal" consistently ask me "Is that the best you can do?" Eventually, I'll give you that super expensive phone whose features you don't even want to sign up for and use, for FREE, with no rebate, on the cheapest rate plan we offer.

231) Please ignore me when I say hello to you as you walk past my desk.

232) If you are a secret shopper, be sure to walk out the door while I'm still trying to talk to you. Bonus points if you give me a failing grade for not covering all the bases. Super Bonus points if you got my name wrong after I introduced myself and handed you my business card.

233) Please, yell at me and tell me "I should do something about it" when you didn't read your contract, kept the super expensive phone you got on discount but gave to your wife, and now you want a new phone but aren't eligible for an upgrade because you just took a discount on a phone and renewed your contract three months ago. Bonus points for telling me "You're losing a customer!" I will be forever crushed.

234) You're right. You never got that phone wet. Those moisture indicators in the back are just a scam. In fact, I personally dropped that phone in the toilet before selling it to you.

235) You're right! There are no termination fees! "Good luck" to us in trying to collect them!

236) No, I don't need your mobile number or any other pertininent info. to get into my system. Just blurt out your last name- I will find your account right away!

237) You are not the account holder? Well, that's ok. We'll go ahead and upgrade the contract and get you that new phone, anyway. I'm sure your Dad/Mom/Husband/Wife/Aunt/Uncle/Cousin won't mind!

238) Even though I explained to you that we are privately owned, we'll go ahead and have corporate bill your account for that phone. We didn't pay for it or anything. Why should we care about being compensated?

239) You are right. You shouldn't have to go to the service center to have your phone fixed. I'm really a highly trained service tech, but I'm just being lazy and "passing the buck" off to a different department.

240) We are experiencing network problems in the area. Please, call customer service, or go to your nearest retailer and kick and scream and throw a tantrum. It makes the techs fix the towers faster.

241) Remember, it isn't necessary to back up all your important business data to your computer. If you lose your PDA we can magically pull all your data off the system! Especially if you scream about it and claim we are ruining your business.

242) When you leave here to go grocery shopping- remember rule #8! Otherwise your phone will spontaneously combust and set your head on fire!

Ok, I'll stop...