Memoirs of a GK wannabe..

[Kali]

Right, I own a small pet supplies and aquarium store; ie. I sell fish, and pet supplies. No live animals.

OK, so I'm going to try my hand at a sarcastic, dramatic and fabulous style of writing that belongs to a certain call center guy we all know.

Wish me luck!




Sorry, I don't have any cats.



aptly enough, that is also the name for story #1.....


Thoughts in Italics.



Sorry, I don't have any cats.

*Phone rings*

Me: *shpeil*, this is Kali
SC: *In background* Nah, coz then we'd have to...
Me: Hello?
SC: *STILL in background* I already rang them, they said no! Fucksake!!

Now I know this is going to be confusing, lady, so I need you to peel your attention from the TV / Radio / Child(ren) / Lava lamp for just a second... You see that thing in your hand? The thing shaped kind of like those bananas you love, only it doesn't taste so good and there are sounds coming from it? Yes? That's a Telephone. Remember when you used it 25 seconds ago to make a call? Now's the time to start talking to the magic little people inside. (That's me!)

Me: HELLO??
SC: Yeah hi, I've got some cats.
Me: .....
SC: ........
Me: ......... Hurrah?
SC: Do you want some cats?
Me: Oh, no sorry I don't actually keep kittens here, only fish.
SC: YOU GOT KITTENNSSK???!~
Me: no, I don't have kittens. I only keep fish, not kittens or puppies or anything like that, sorry.
SC: NO, I don't have kittens, I have CATS.
Me: .... I don't keep those either.
SC: oh ok, so you wouldnt want to swap them for KITTENS?!@~?
Me: ....... uh, I don't have kittens. I don't keep animals here.
SC: ......
Me: ....
SC: *click*



So, not only have you failed to listen to anything I said, you seem to think it would be profitable for me to give you cute, fluffy young kittens and take your feral, fat old nasty cats. See, how business works is.......
Oh, nevermind. I don't want to ruin the fun for you when you try and take your old 88 model Datsun 120Y and try to swap it for a brand new Lexus.



Unsolved Mysteries

Me: Can I help you there sir?
SC: Yes, I'd like some algaecide please.
*I get the algaecide and he buys it*
SC: So I killed my goldfish.
Me: Oh yeah? How'd you manage that?
SC: Well there was algae in the pond, so I put a cupful of bleach in there to kill the algae. Then the goldfish died.


... Congratulations! You have just made the quantum leap from being someone who is able to pronounce "algaecide", to someone who cannot ascertain a link between cupful of bleach and dead goldfish. All in the space of about 6 seconds. I'm impressed.



Befuddlement

*Phone rings*
Me: Good Morning *schpiel*
Guy: Hello?
Me: Hi.
Guy: Is that the pet shop?
Me: Yes, it is
Guy: The one near the bakery down there?
Me: Yep, that's the one
Guy: Oh. Sorry, wrong number.


Damn, the government must be after me again. They're getting a little lazy about being circumspect and covert with their surveillance operations, though.



Well, It was Australian Open time...

SC: Hi, im after some advantage for dogs?
Me: I've got advocate, advantix and frontline, but no advantage i'm sorry
SC: *dumb stare*
Me: Would you like to see the advantix or advocate?
SC: Advantage.


OK. Someone has either been watching too much tennis, or drinking too much methylated spirits. I'm going to go with both.


Tell me what I want (what I really really want!)

Fella walks in and looks around for a bit, so I walk up to ask if he needed any help with anything sir:

Me: Do you need any help with anything sir?
Sir: Yes, fish.
Me: What sort of fish are you after?
Sir: I dunno!
OK at this point I am hoping he is having a joke, rather than being a total moron.
Me: Goldfish? Tropicals?
Sir: No, Ive had goldfish.
Me: OK would you like me to show you the tropicals?
Sir: I dunno, you tell me what fish I want! (yep, exact words)

so after like 45 minutes of showing him all the fish and explaining their specs, he whips out a pen and starts writing down each fish he's interested in.

Sir: What's that one called again?
Me: Angelfish.


At this point I snuck a look to see if he wrote Anglefish, because then i would know for sure he was a lost cause.

He did.



What are you trying to ask me, exactly?

*checking my messages on the answering machine*

Message Recieved, 16th.. of... november.. at .... 5... 45.... pm. (I close at 5, and the pet shop that's about 30 k's away that used to own my pet shop closes at 5.30. This is all relevant, I promise.)

In Verbatim.

SC: Hello, I bought a schipperke cross puppy off [other pet shop] last week.. I've been trying to ring them, but they haven't been answering. they told me that the uh.. the vet was going to come around to microchip him.. I rang the vet, and he knows nothing about it!! Now, I've paid for the puppy in full, and he needs to be done.. I was just wondering if you could shed some light on the situation for me? I look forward to your call. Thanks.



Dear lady of immesureable fail. You called me 45 minutes after I closed, asked me to explain the policies of a totally seperate store, and a vet completely unrelated to me, tell me you look forward to my calling you back (remember what time it is.. on a friday). OK, being the superfly customer service star that I am, I could probably sort this out, right? Only.... you didn't give me your phone number.







I've got plenty more where that came from!

[Imogene]

Me: Oh yeah? How'd you manage that?
SC: Well there was algae in the pond, so I put a cupful of bleach in there to kill the algae. Then the goldfish died.

At least he kind of understands cause and effect... though he can't link them, he was aware that the goldfish died AFTER he put BLEACH! (No, wait.... !!!) in the fucking tank!

[Lace Neil Singer]

Ah yes, pet shop idiocy. I remember it well, from all the years I spent at the garden centre pet section. Feel free to keep them coming! ^^

[Horsetuna]

Poor fish. I used to work in a pet store and I quit, tired of the stress. It wasnt' a bad place, but you get a TWENTY FIVE CENT raise if you go for manager... and you get a bigger raise if you just work for 6 months there. No wonder they can't keep a manager there.

What I want to know is how I get such horrible algae in my 6 gallon when it gets NO direct sunlight and has no bulbin it (The bulb heats the water up too much so I dont turn it on). Must be Nightshade Algae. ;P

[Chanlin]

I have to say Kali you have succeeded in making me laugh at least.

Your post is fairly well done, I'm sure GK will be proud or something like that anyway.

Off Topic:

Juwl your present avatar scares me.

[Posture Moll]

SC: oh ok, so you wouldnt want to swap them for KITTENS?!@~?

How could anyone be so heartless as to want to trade in their *pets*?

*cuddles her cat-baby protectively, whose gotten even cuter with age*

[Pagan]

Kali, you have got to have some great pwnage of SCs when they ask for your manager and you tell them you're the owner!

Off Topic:

Juwl your present avatar scares me.

Aye chingada, you and me both, esé!

[Kali]

Ah, yes, it's wonderful. If someone is being unreasonable, I let them know. If they continue to be unreasonable, I just say "get out of here". No reprimand, no corporate, no nothing - just me.

[Andara Bledin]

Re: cats for kittens - Obviously the cats weren't actually pets, just animals that the caller happened to have possession of.

Off Topic:

Juwl your present avatar scares me.

Aye chingada, you and me both, esé!

... glad I'm not the only one....

^-.-^

[BookstoreEscapee]

OK, so I'm going to try my hand at a sarcastic, dramatic and fabulous style of writing that belongs to a certain call center guy we all know.

I must say, Good job! You are well on your way to having your own fangirl collection...

Here's a cat for ya...good thing you don't have them in your store with all those fish around...you might wind up with this

[Sonoma]

How could anyone be so heartless as to want to trade in their *pets*?

*cuddles her cat-baby protectively, whose gotten even cuter with age*

I too enjoyed the post.

There is no way I would ever trade in my cat. I am SO glad the kitten-years are behind us. Now we just get occasional 'insane kittten' behavior, which I can deal with.

I will tell him from time to time that I'm going to trade him in on a new model, but I don't think he believes me.

[Imogene]

Off Topic:

Juwl your present avatar scares me.

Aye chingada, you and me both, esé!

... glad I'm not the only one....

Awww, but she's so frickin' cute!
I wan' one for myself!

[Kali]

Yeah I gotta say Jewl, That thing makes me want to give it a hug and run away screaming all at the same time

[iradney]

I can't imagine swopping Hopper for a puppy. He's soooooo goshdarn cute! He'll be three next month!

Juwl, I like your avatar.

As for the dumbass that didn't "know" bleach would kill his goldfish...is he stupid? Has he TRIED breathing noxious substances lately???

[Gravekeeper]

I suppose imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Also, yes, that avatar is terrifying. But at the same time really familiar but I can't quite place it.....I feel like I should know. ><