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Ugh, busy this week, was cramping my writing time at work. It has also made me extra tasty crispy bitter this week. For which I apologize in advance. -.-
If I offend anyone, just look at the kitty:
Connecting the Dots
Ok….just so we’re clear here: Your smoke detector is going off in your bathroom….because your toilet is leaking? Now I’ll be the first to admit I’m not an architect, contractor, carpenter or even qualified to be allowed remotely near a tablesaw. I mean, the bulk of my architectural knowledge comes from The Sims. So you’ll forgive me if I can’t figure out how we made this journey from point A to point b. Is the water spraying up to the ceiling and shorting out the smoke detector? Did you set fire to something to try and create a kind of fire dam to combat the encroaching aquatic tide? Where you storing kerosene in your toilet tank?
You're going to have to give me a bit more to go on here.
867
SC: “I wanna know how much this hat in the catalogue is.”
Me: “Does it not say how much it is in the catalogue?”
SC: “Yeah, $19.”
Me: “……”
SC: “……”
Me: ....“and you want me to price check that?”
SC: “Yeah, its xxxx-xx”
Me: “….it’s $19.”
SC: “Oh.”
I’m not sure what you were expecting but I take solace in the fact that I have destroyed those expectations and rushed the familiar taste of disappointment back into your life. It’s the kind of thing of pride myself on, really.
867
SC: “Can I get it in a large?”
Me: “I’m sorry, I only have small in stock.”
SC: “Oh…only small?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “No large?”
Me:“No.”
I’d try to communicate this to you on a level you were more familiar with, but unfortunately I don't have enough construction paper and macaroni on hand.
What kind of statement is that?
“Yeah, sometimes I drink myself into a depression. Especially when I’m depressed.”
You don’t say. You know, sometimes I get wet. Especially when I take a shower. It’s the damnest thing.
Equality
Me: “Ok, do you have a pen?”
SC: “A what?”
Me: “Do something to write with?”
SC: “Oh, yes! I have my wife.”
Pop quiz! This man is…
A) Not a firm believer in gender equality.
B) Married to a pencil.
C) Kind of an idiot.
D) All of the above.
Just Do It
Me: “and which airline were you on?”
SC: “US Airs!”
…I’m assuming you mean US Airways. Since I’m pretty sure you arrived in Phoenix on a plane, not on a pair of sneakers.
Clearly this is My Fault
Me: “Good evening, <company>.”
SC: “What was this?”
Me: “<company>.”
SC: “…what?”
Me: “<company>.”
SC: “Oh, you have the wrong number. <click>”
You’re absolutely right and I apologize for any inconvenience or confusion we may have caused you. I will contact the client immediately and let them know they need to change their number as soon as possible as they are clearly mistaken in its use. We shall have the number forwarded to whomever it is you think you were calling so that the next time you fail miserably at the simple task of using a telephone there will be an elaborate safety net in place to cushion you against the cruel mistakes of life. Sadly, this is all we can do for you. You’ll have to find some way to cope with all the other cruel mistakes by yourself. I suggest alcohol, heavy drug use or somehow becoming a hotel heiress.
Er...
SC: “Let me pull it out!”
…um, no. Please put it away.
Again, My Fault
SC: “Ya, I want service cut off at xxx Blah St.”
Me: “Service? Are you sure you’re calling the right number?”
SC: “Wha?”
Me: “This is <my company which is clearly a phone related company>, are you sure you have the right number?”
SC: “I’m calling Georgia Power!”
While I do admire your conviction, I would like to take a moment to point out staggering evidence to the contrary.
Still My Fault
Me: “Ok, and can I have your name p-
SC: “Yeah, have someone call me. I’m at xxx-xxxx. Bye.”
Me: “Ok, but can I have your name first please?”
SC: “Cockthristy Dickhound”
Me: “Ok, and your postal code please?”
SC: “Blah blah blah.”
Me: “Alright, and your address please?”
SC: “Blah blah bla”
Me: “Ok, now can I have the phone number please?”
SC: “LOOK! ARE YOU NEW THERE OR SOMETHING!? ITS XXX-XXXX!!!!!”
I assure you I have just as much experience being an operator as you have being a staggering asshole. Well, ok, maybe not quite as much...but still, I assure you I've been at this for a fair number of years.
We be Kickin' It
SC: “Yo yo, this is Scott from <company> Roofin’!”
Yo, what up G? You out to lay down some phat shingles?
Psst, I think you’re vastly overestimating how cool the job title of “roofer” really is.
Round 1 - Fight!
( This guy is calling the main switchboard for a pager dispatch. I need an extension number/pager number to be able to find *anyone* on this line as there are hundreds of extensions. )
( This crusty dipstick is of course locked out. )
Ok, Fuckbat. Shut the HELL up for a moment, sit down and let me go over a few items of interest with you:
1) I am not your building manager.
2) Please give me the pager number you’re looking for.
3) No, I can’t get you keys to your apartment.
4) Please give me the pager number you’re looking for.
5) No, I can’t let you in. I’m not your building manager.
6) Jesus CHRIST you’re drunk. How are you even conscious?
7) Please give me the pager number you’re looking for.
8) While I whole heartedly agree with you that one of us “doesn’t understand here” I challenge your assertion that it’s me.
9) Please give me the pager number you’re looking for.
10) That’s not the pager number, that’s your suite number.
11) Please give me the pager number you’re looking for.
12) No, that’s still your suite number. I need the pager number you’re looking for.
13) I am in no way related to your building manager. I don’t have keys.
14) Please, for the love of god, give me the pager number you’re looking for.
15) That’s still your suite number you festering slackwit.
16) I’m begging you, just give me the pager number and go away.
17) Thank you! Or rather, thank your sober friend in the background.
18) I will page your building manager. I sincerely hope he doesn’t respond.
Round 2 - Fight!
Apparently, I got my wish.
1) I’m still not your building manager.
2) No, I don’t have keys. Please give me the pager number.
3) No, that’s your suite number. For the love of flying crack monkeys, just give me the same pager number your friend did last time.
4) I’m NOT your manager. I am in no way related to your manager. I am not part of his company. I don’t even know his name, but I applaud him for letting you rot in the cold.
5) Would you PLEASE just give me the number?
6) That’s your suite number. <sob>
7) Please…just…give me the pager number….no, I can’t let you in.
8) No I will not go *%&@ myself.
9) ….I’m not going to go *%&@ my mom either.
10) Ok, hanging up. You can rot out in the cold some more.
11) I sincerely hope you’re in an area of the lower mainland that’s plagued by bears in the dead of night.
Round 3 - Fight!
Ah! The sober friend again!
1) No, I’m not his manager. I can’t get his keys. Didn’t we go over this 17 times already?
2) I still need a pager number.
3) No, not a suite number. I need the number you gave me last time.
4) …no, not his buzzer number. Dude, you’re supposed to be the smart one here.
5) Yes, that number. Thank you.
6) Give your asshat friend my regards. I can hear him floundering around in the background attempting to unzip his own pants with his mouth.
Round 4 - Fight
Hello again, Sober Friend
1) No, I’m not his manager. I don’t have his keys. For the umpteenth time.
2) Ok, look. I hate to break this too you, but you’re an idiot.
3) You’re friend’s an idiot too. But at least he’s drunk, so he has an excuse.
4) Please give me the pager number that you’ve already given me twice and should know by now.
5) …no, not the suite number again. For crying out loud, maybe you should start taking notes.
6) Yes, that number.
7) Bears.
Super Serial
( This line is a government line for massive chemical/oil related environmental emergencies. IE someone had a train full of acid derail into a orphanage. Its not a line to fark around on. )
You know I was just sitting here thinking: “Boy I wish I could get trapped in a fantastically retarded 8 minute long circular argument with some shrill whiny unreasonable cunt harpy, that would just make my day!”
No, the trains making noise near your house is not something I can help you with. I don’t care what the trains are doing or how much noise they’re making. It doesn’t matter if they’re polluting the atmosphere or some such. Everything is. No, I can’t help you with it. This is an emergency line for environmental disasters. No, stop saying "but". STOP IT. You’re calling the wrong number. Stop saying "but". Stop it. Just because you don’t like my answer doesn’t mean you can say "but" and represent the exact same argument. That just makes you a fucktard. Stop saying "but"! Spare the “No wonder the world is screwed up cus no one cares about the environment!” routine. Stop saying "but". You being woken up by a train is not the end of the world as we know it. Stop. Saying. "But." What part of "I CANNOT HELP YOU IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM" do you not understand?! STOP SAYING "BUT"! <sob>
If only there was some way I could get Al Gore to choke you to death in your sleep.
Just. Pick. One.
No I don’t know if the hotel is downtown or what it’s near. No, I don’t know if it has net access. No, I don’t know if it has a bar. No, I don’t know what its star rating is. No, I don’t know what colour wallpaper the rooms have. No, I don’t know if there’s anywhere nearby you can hire a circus midget to rub you down in sacred oils from India ( Although this is Vegas so that particular amenity probably isn’t far away regardless of where you stay. ). Though I am beginning to form a rough idea of what kind of hotel it is you need. Let me check my list here and see if I can find one that can take the responsibility of making a decision out of your grossly incapable hands.
You Sir, are kind of a dick.
SC: “Is that hotel downtown?”
Me: “I’m not sure, I’m not in Toronto”
SC: “Well can’t you like look it up on your Google Maps or something?”
Well, no. Can’t you like go try and cram an entire greased pineapple up your butthole sideways?
Curse you, America West
SC: “How do I know which shuttle is the one for the Hyatt?!”
Oh, I don’t know. Try reading the side? I realize we’re staggering into completely foreign territory for you, but hey, it’s worth a shot.
Vancouver is Awesome
Coming into Broadway station this evening my train stopped just outside the station, I assume to wait for the train ahead to leave the station. Upon stopping the following series of outbursts occurred:
“Omigwad, we’re all gonna die!”
“We’re going to get SQUISHED!”
“FOR ALLAH!”
I love this city. FOR ALLAH!
<twitch>
( To make it worse this line has a target time we have to stay under. )
Me: “Ok, the confirmation number for your hotel room is xxxxxxxx”
SC: “Alright, xxxxxxxx”
Me: “Yes, and I’ll give you the hotel’s phone number as well so you can confirm your reservation and call for a shuttle.”
SC: “Ok”
Me: “It’s xxx-xxx-xxxx”
SC: “Ok. Hey, not to be a problem, but do you have any other hotels besides this one?”
Me: “……”
You couldn’t have thought of that BEFORE you booked a room at this hotel? Despite your “Oh hey, not to be a problem, teehee!!” you are, in fact, a problem you glorious butt turban. If you want to be a simpering indecisive glass licking pansy cake, do it on your own time and spare me the annoyance. While it’s true they do pay me to be polite and caring of your “problem”, they do not pay me to stop wishing horrible misfortune and groin lice upon you after I hang up. I suppose they could try, but my salary would bankrupt the company in under a year.
Highly Trained
SC: “Yeah, the uh…bunch uh…like, uh, the, uh, the system,….uhhhh….the problem, uh…there’s uh….you know like….uh….uhhh….”
Wow, you mean the server actually went down with such an obviously intelligent, highly skilled individual like yourself manning the helm? I mean, let’s be honest here, if YOU of all people can’t fix it, what do you think we can do?
Once again, My Fault.
Ah…you stressed the title “Doctor” when you introduced yourself. Which is, unfortunately, an international sign for “I’m about to make a pompous, unreasonable self important demand of you and you will comply because you are a peon who is beneath my very gaze”. Your request? You wanted someone to get out of bed, find a FOB for the parking gate and come all the way down to your office building because you were stupid enough to lock your car in there. I did check the emergency list a few times over to see if I could be of any assistance but sadly I didn’t find “Dr Pompous Assgnoll locks his car in parkade” anywhere on the list. This of course was an outrage and I assume by your indignation and demand for my name that you will call back to complain about my insolence at a later date.
I wish you luck.
<sob>
If I offend anyone, just look at the kitty:
Connecting the Dots
Ok….just so we’re clear here: Your smoke detector is going off in your bathroom….because your toilet is leaking? Now I’ll be the first to admit I’m not an architect, contractor, carpenter or even qualified to be allowed remotely near a tablesaw. I mean, the bulk of my architectural knowledge comes from The Sims. So you’ll forgive me if I can’t figure out how we made this journey from point A to point b. Is the water spraying up to the ceiling and shorting out the smoke detector? Did you set fire to something to try and create a kind of fire dam to combat the encroaching aquatic tide? Where you storing kerosene in your toilet tank?
You're going to have to give me a bit more to go on here.
867
SC: “I wanna know how much this hat in the catalogue is.”
Me: “Does it not say how much it is in the catalogue?”
SC: “Yeah, $19.”
Me: “……”
SC: “……”
Me: ....“and you want me to price check that?”
SC: “Yeah, its xxxx-xx”
Me: “….it’s $19.”
SC: “Oh.”
I’m not sure what you were expecting but I take solace in the fact that I have destroyed those expectations and rushed the familiar taste of disappointment back into your life. It’s the kind of thing of pride myself on, really.
867
SC: “Can I get it in a large?”
Me: “I’m sorry, I only have small in stock.”
SC: “Oh…only small?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “No large?”
Me:“No.”
I’d try to communicate this to you on a level you were more familiar with, but unfortunately I don't have enough construction paper and macaroni on hand.
What kind of statement is that?
“Yeah, sometimes I drink myself into a depression. Especially when I’m depressed.”
You don’t say. You know, sometimes I get wet. Especially when I take a shower. It’s the damnest thing.
Equality
Me: “Ok, do you have a pen?”
SC: “A what?”
Me: “Do something to write with?”
SC: “Oh, yes! I have my wife.”
Pop quiz! This man is…
A) Not a firm believer in gender equality.
B) Married to a pencil.
C) Kind of an idiot.
D) All of the above.
Just Do It
Me: “and which airline were you on?”
SC: “US Airs!”
…I’m assuming you mean US Airways. Since I’m pretty sure you arrived in Phoenix on a plane, not on a pair of sneakers.
Clearly this is My Fault
Me: “Good evening, <company>.”
SC: “What was this?”
Me: “<company>.”
SC: “…what?”
Me: “<company>.”
SC: “Oh, you have the wrong number. <click>”
You’re absolutely right and I apologize for any inconvenience or confusion we may have caused you. I will contact the client immediately and let them know they need to change their number as soon as possible as they are clearly mistaken in its use. We shall have the number forwarded to whomever it is you think you were calling so that the next time you fail miserably at the simple task of using a telephone there will be an elaborate safety net in place to cushion you against the cruel mistakes of life. Sadly, this is all we can do for you. You’ll have to find some way to cope with all the other cruel mistakes by yourself. I suggest alcohol, heavy drug use or somehow becoming a hotel heiress.
Er...
SC: “Let me pull it out!”
…um, no. Please put it away.
Again, My Fault
SC: “Ya, I want service cut off at xxx Blah St.”
Me: “Service? Are you sure you’re calling the right number?”
SC: “Wha?”
Me: “This is <my company which is clearly a phone related company>, are you sure you have the right number?”
SC: “I’m calling Georgia Power!”
While I do admire your conviction, I would like to take a moment to point out staggering evidence to the contrary.
Still My Fault
Me: “Ok, and can I have your name p-
SC: “Yeah, have someone call me. I’m at xxx-xxxx. Bye.”
Me: “Ok, but can I have your name first please?”
SC: “Cockthristy Dickhound”
Me: “Ok, and your postal code please?”
SC: “Blah blah blah.”
Me: “Alright, and your address please?”
SC: “Blah blah bla”
Me: “Ok, now can I have the phone number please?”
SC: “LOOK! ARE YOU NEW THERE OR SOMETHING!? ITS XXX-XXXX!!!!!”
I assure you I have just as much experience being an operator as you have being a staggering asshole. Well, ok, maybe not quite as much...but still, I assure you I've been at this for a fair number of years.
We be Kickin' It
SC: “Yo yo, this is Scott from <company> Roofin’!”
Yo, what up G? You out to lay down some phat shingles?
Psst, I think you’re vastly overestimating how cool the job title of “roofer” really is.
Round 1 - Fight!
( This guy is calling the main switchboard for a pager dispatch. I need an extension number/pager number to be able to find *anyone* on this line as there are hundreds of extensions. )
( This crusty dipstick is of course locked out. )
Ok, Fuckbat. Shut the HELL up for a moment, sit down and let me go over a few items of interest with you:
1) I am not your building manager.
2) Please give me the pager number you’re looking for.
3) No, I can’t get you keys to your apartment.
4) Please give me the pager number you’re looking for.
5) No, I can’t let you in. I’m not your building manager.
6) Jesus CHRIST you’re drunk. How are you even conscious?
7) Please give me the pager number you’re looking for.
8) While I whole heartedly agree with you that one of us “doesn’t understand here” I challenge your assertion that it’s me.
9) Please give me the pager number you’re looking for.
10) That’s not the pager number, that’s your suite number.
11) Please give me the pager number you’re looking for.
12) No, that’s still your suite number. I need the pager number you’re looking for.
13) I am in no way related to your building manager. I don’t have keys.
14) Please, for the love of god, give me the pager number you’re looking for.
15) That’s still your suite number you festering slackwit.
16) I’m begging you, just give me the pager number and go away.
17) Thank you! Or rather, thank your sober friend in the background.
18) I will page your building manager. I sincerely hope he doesn’t respond.
Round 2 - Fight!
Apparently, I got my wish.
1) I’m still not your building manager.
2) No, I don’t have keys. Please give me the pager number.
3) No, that’s your suite number. For the love of flying crack monkeys, just give me the same pager number your friend did last time.
4) I’m NOT your manager. I am in no way related to your manager. I am not part of his company. I don’t even know his name, but I applaud him for letting you rot in the cold.
5) Would you PLEASE just give me the number?
6) That’s your suite number. <sob>
7) Please…just…give me the pager number….no, I can’t let you in.
8) No I will not go *%&@ myself.
9) ….I’m not going to go *%&@ my mom either.
10) Ok, hanging up. You can rot out in the cold some more.
11) I sincerely hope you’re in an area of the lower mainland that’s plagued by bears in the dead of night.
Round 3 - Fight!
Ah! The sober friend again!
1) No, I’m not his manager. I can’t get his keys. Didn’t we go over this 17 times already?
2) I still need a pager number.
3) No, not a suite number. I need the number you gave me last time.
4) …no, not his buzzer number. Dude, you’re supposed to be the smart one here.
5) Yes, that number. Thank you.
6) Give your asshat friend my regards. I can hear him floundering around in the background attempting to unzip his own pants with his mouth.
Round 4 - Fight
Hello again, Sober Friend
1) No, I’m not his manager. I don’t have his keys. For the umpteenth time.
2) Ok, look. I hate to break this too you, but you’re an idiot.
3) You’re friend’s an idiot too. But at least he’s drunk, so he has an excuse.
4) Please give me the pager number that you’ve already given me twice and should know by now.
5) …no, not the suite number again. For crying out loud, maybe you should start taking notes.
6) Yes, that number.
7) Bears.
Super Serial
( This line is a government line for massive chemical/oil related environmental emergencies. IE someone had a train full of acid derail into a orphanage. Its not a line to fark around on. )
You know I was just sitting here thinking: “Boy I wish I could get trapped in a fantastically retarded 8 minute long circular argument with some shrill whiny unreasonable cunt harpy, that would just make my day!”
No, the trains making noise near your house is not something I can help you with. I don’t care what the trains are doing or how much noise they’re making. It doesn’t matter if they’re polluting the atmosphere or some such. Everything is. No, I can’t help you with it. This is an emergency line for environmental disasters. No, stop saying "but". STOP IT. You’re calling the wrong number. Stop saying "but". Stop it. Just because you don’t like my answer doesn’t mean you can say "but" and represent the exact same argument. That just makes you a fucktard. Stop saying "but"! Spare the “No wonder the world is screwed up cus no one cares about the environment!” routine. Stop saying "but". You being woken up by a train is not the end of the world as we know it. Stop. Saying. "But." What part of "I CANNOT HELP YOU IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM" do you not understand?! STOP SAYING "BUT"! <sob>
If only there was some way I could get Al Gore to choke you to death in your sleep.
Just. Pick. One.
No I don’t know if the hotel is downtown or what it’s near. No, I don’t know if it has net access. No, I don’t know if it has a bar. No, I don’t know what its star rating is. No, I don’t know what colour wallpaper the rooms have. No, I don’t know if there’s anywhere nearby you can hire a circus midget to rub you down in sacred oils from India ( Although this is Vegas so that particular amenity probably isn’t far away regardless of where you stay. ). Though I am beginning to form a rough idea of what kind of hotel it is you need. Let me check my list here and see if I can find one that can take the responsibility of making a decision out of your grossly incapable hands.
You Sir, are kind of a dick.
SC: “Is that hotel downtown?”
Me: “I’m not sure, I’m not in Toronto”
SC: “Well can’t you like look it up on your Google Maps or something?”
Well, no. Can’t you like go try and cram an entire greased pineapple up your butthole sideways?
Curse you, America West
SC: “How do I know which shuttle is the one for the Hyatt?!”
Oh, I don’t know. Try reading the side? I realize we’re staggering into completely foreign territory for you, but hey, it’s worth a shot.
Vancouver is Awesome
Coming into Broadway station this evening my train stopped just outside the station, I assume to wait for the train ahead to leave the station. Upon stopping the following series of outbursts occurred:
“Omigwad, we’re all gonna die!”
“We’re going to get SQUISHED!”
“FOR ALLAH!”
I love this city. FOR ALLAH!
<twitch>
( To make it worse this line has a target time we have to stay under. )
Me: “Ok, the confirmation number for your hotel room is xxxxxxxx”
SC: “Alright, xxxxxxxx”
Me: “Yes, and I’ll give you the hotel’s phone number as well so you can confirm your reservation and call for a shuttle.”
SC: “Ok”
Me: “It’s xxx-xxx-xxxx”
SC: “Ok. Hey, not to be a problem, but do you have any other hotels besides this one?”
Me: “……”
You couldn’t have thought of that BEFORE you booked a room at this hotel? Despite your “Oh hey, not to be a problem, teehee!!” you are, in fact, a problem you glorious butt turban. If you want to be a simpering indecisive glass licking pansy cake, do it on your own time and spare me the annoyance. While it’s true they do pay me to be polite and caring of your “problem”, they do not pay me to stop wishing horrible misfortune and groin lice upon you after I hang up. I suppose they could try, but my salary would bankrupt the company in under a year.
Highly Trained
SC: “Yeah, the uh…bunch uh…like, uh, the, uh, the system,….uhhhh….the problem, uh…there’s uh….you know like….uh….uhhh….”
Wow, you mean the server actually went down with such an obviously intelligent, highly skilled individual like yourself manning the helm? I mean, let’s be honest here, if YOU of all people can’t fix it, what do you think we can do?
Once again, My Fault.
Ah…you stressed the title “Doctor” when you introduced yourself. Which is, unfortunately, an international sign for “I’m about to make a pompous, unreasonable self important demand of you and you will comply because you are a peon who is beneath my very gaze”. Your request? You wanted someone to get out of bed, find a FOB for the parking gate and come all the way down to your office building because you were stupid enough to lock your car in there. I did check the emergency list a few times over to see if I could be of any assistance but sadly I didn’t find “Dr Pompous Assgnoll locks his car in parkade” anywhere on the list. This of course was an outrage and I assume by your indignation and demand for my name that you will call back to complain about my insolence at a later date.
I wish you luck.
<sob>
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