Why Mysty barfed at work

[MystyGlyttyr]

Normally, I have a pretty strong stomach. I mean, I'd have to, right?

But this guy got off the elevator and came up to my desk today, and...oh my God. The written word cannot do justice to the ODOR. It was like a six foot wall of pain surrounding him everywhere he walked. It was almost a visible thing. It's like...you know when you come out into the parking lot on a hot day and there's those weird wavys coming off the cars? It was like that. Only with SMELL.

As best I can cobble together from previous experiences with the nose, he smelled like...swamp mud coated in algae...and burnt hair...and four-day-old bacon grease...possibly a hint of cat piss...and with a distinct aftertaste (and dear God, I do emphasize the word TASTE) of a month worth of B.O.

I'm terribly afraid that the smell wasn't him, so much as it was the moldy, torn, disgusting, brutal, brown-yellow-and-green shirt he was wearing. If you can imagine what a shirt made of cow shit and bathroom mold could look like, this was it.

I honestly can't even remember what he wanted, except that it was something he needed to go downstairs to do and I hustled him out as fast as I possibly could. I just know that as soon as he was gone, I had to run to the bathroom and call Ralph.

And then I get back to my desk and I can still SMELL IT. The guest chairs in front of my desk are FABRIC. Dear God. So now my entire work area is awash in Violet Fantasy and Cucumber Melon and I'm regularly putting my hands over my nose to get a good clean whiff of the grease-fighting power of Dawn. Anything to get rid of the overpowering, unholy WRETCH.

And he touched my favorite pen, which is currently soaking in a sinkful of scathing soapy water in the kitchen. Maybe it will still work after I fish it out.

One of my coworkers made the mistake of getting on the elevator right after Stink got off and now she's a very interesting shade of white. She honestly might have to go lay down for a while, after being in an enclosed area with it for like, thirty seconds.

How can you not be aware of that?? Did he get a bottle rocket up the nose when he was a kid or what?? At the very least, could he not have LOOKED at that nasty-ass shirt and thought "Maybe this isn't fit for public?"

[blas]

He's probably one of those people who doesn't care....or for some sick reason thinks women like it. Blech......

I feel for you. We have a serial farter at work. I thought it was all over when DipShit got fired, but then this guy showed up, and all you smell all night is rotten eggs, dead bodies and carrots and throw up.

[Samaliel]

Foul Ol' Ron ? Is that you ?

[BaristaTrav]

Oh no.. your story alone has made me a little queasy.. We had a similar incident here on Friday.. one of our clients brought her 3 stinky friends who of course had to occupy our guest/waiting area, and these fine folks hadn't scene a shower, probably since the Carter administration.

I mean look, if you choose to have the personal hygiene of a lowland gorilla, that's your business. But is it really necessary to subject the rest of the population at-large with the accompanying odors?

[workerbee222]

I worked in a dry cleaner, and I personally never dealt with anything that bad.

We did have to call one man who left some absolutely filthy clothing for alterations, though, and told him to either launder them, or have them washed or dry cleaned before I'd work on them. He thought we were kidding, and was furious. It was an inconvenience to come down and pick them up because...

he'd just lost his license again for DWI.

He died about two months later from some liver disease (cancer, cirrhosis, don't know)

He was probably in his early forties, and looked almost as old as his own father.

[iradney]

Try scrubbing the pen with vinegar and lemon juice if all else fails...I find that helps nicely with stains and funny smells...

[Apathy]

serial farter

Hilarious. Well, you know, in text. Maybe not in real life.
Every great once in a while you'd get these people coming through the check lanes. Awful, just awful. Why? WHY!?

[olstar18]

My only advice is to take the office furniture and hold a cleansing ritual. What you need for this is a lot of scented candles a jug of bleach a bottle of febreeze some black robes and a girl to reenact that oracle dance from 300.

[Apathy]

some black robes and a girl to reenact that oracle dance from 300.

That doesn't sound workplace appropriate. But I guess it depends on where you work.

[Record Store Tough Guy]

Yeah, my housemate's brother (also a housemate, actually) has a serious odor problem. It's hard to describe, because it's not typical BO, but sort of a sickly sweet smell. He's been doing kung fu with us, which wouldn't be so bad, what with the fans and everything, but he always has to stand right next to me.

And he forgets to wash his gi. Which has been stuffed into a gym bag. For days.

So normally he's tolerable, if a bit unpleasant. During class, the heat he's generating creates this cloud of sour milk and dirty socks, with this underlying accent of... I dunno. Like I said, it's almost a sweet odor, but since it's coming from a person, it's gross.

If he'd just remember to wash his gi, it wouldn't be nearly so bad.

[Gravekeeper]

<shudder> Once again I'm glad I don't have to deal it the public face to face.

You need to knock him down then use fire or acid on the body. Otherwise he'll just keep regenerating and getting back up.

[South Texan]

This Board boasts some excellent writers, and I put MystyGlyttyr in the upper echelon!

The images that post put in my mind and the humorous wording with which that situation was described had me rolling on the floor in tears and hysterical laughter. My stomach still is cramping. I felt that smell and the pain!

Excellent story!

Truth be told, I can empathize with the plight. My first roommate in college refused to shower the entire first semester and never changed his clothes. I drove him to the airport for Christmas break (I had become accustomed to the funk by then) and he actually left a film on the passenger window of my car in the area his head had been - and he had not touched the window. The university eventually required him to get psychological help before coming back to school.

[Dreamstalker]

serial farter

Yeek. The ex is one of those...for some reason unknown to me, he feels the need to endlessly discuss the...characteristics...of various farts (and the dude wonders why I'll only talk to him via IM...you can block people or manufacture a program crash to get them to go away).

[MystyGlyttyr]

THE PEN LIVES!!

The chairs, on the other hand, are on the roof, and if I have my way, they won't be back...

[Evil Queen]

t sort of a sickly sweet smell.

That sweet smell... could it be similar to the taste of roasted garlic/onion? Anything that basically caramelises when introduced to too much heat? Almost fruity?

Normally I would say it sounds like he has diabetic ketoacidosis, but if he did.... he'd probably be dead by now. So here's to hoping it's not that!