Wherein I Plead With the Rare White Elk.

[Polenicus]

Bleh. =p

The Vending Machine of Sadness

Someone tell the guy that restocks our vending machine ( If you see him anyway, he’s like a rare white elk. ) that we need less TGI Friday’s Bacon & Cheddar Urinal Cake Shavings and more of those tiny little chocolate chip cookies of happiness.

Seriously though, the Bacon & Cheddar potato skins. What’s in that bag? All the other, normal chips in the vending machine have a shelf life of about 45 days. The TGI Friday’s ones expire Feb 10, 2009 and they’ve already been in there for two months because no one is fool enough to try and eat them. You have to ask yourself, what’s in that bag? What did they add to make them last like 8 times as long as normal chips?

I’d buy all the Bacon & Cheddar things and take them out back to the parking lot to be burned if I was reasonable sure such mundane methods could destroy them. However, I’m pretty sure on the back there’s a little note saying they should be stored in a cool, dry place between 10-35 degrees and never, under any circumstances, be exposed to the fires of Mount Doom lest they be unmade.

I've never had them before, but if they're made with that bacon-esque stuff that they make the 'baco-bits' in the flavor shakers out of, I can guarantee it'll take more than a human digestive system.

If you've never had the pleasure of this fine product, the little granules of 'bacon' are red. Bright red. Fire engine red. On initial taste, there IS something vaguely bacony about them. Then the aftertaste hits, which tastes something like the fan belt from a '67 Desoto.

On surveying the ingredients of said product, the list of chemicals reads like the contents of the cabinent in my high school's chemical locker. There is nothing even vaguely food-related in these things.

... Oh, and if you should be unfortunately enough to BELCH after eating these, it becomes clear the Desoto has gotten a dead skunk caught in the fanbelt.

This is why I steer clear of ANYTHING from a vending machine with 'bacon' in it. Undoubtably THIS is the factor that allows the chips to last so long without going 'bad'. It's a flavoring AND a perservative, and also likely the leading cause of cancer in labratory mice.

... I bet they love the stuff in Nunavut.

[Acolyte]

After several posts about Tim Horton's, I finally looked it up to see what the hell it was.

Now I'm really hungry. Curse you!! *shakes fist*

I have seen people punched in the face when they're between a hungry and normally mild-mannered Canadian and their Timmies. It's nuts.

I'm fairly sure there's crack in their food. I mean, it's not even especially tasty, but EVERY CANADIAN EVER ALWAYS WANTS IT. You will never find a Canadian who says 'No' to Timmies.

[Munkie]

If you've never had the pleasure of this fine product, the little granules of 'bacon' are red. Bright red. Fire engine red. On initial taste, there IS something vaguely bacony about them. Then the aftertaste hits, which tastes something like the fan belt from the '67 Desoto.

Do i want to know how you know what a fan belt from a '67 Desoto tastes like?

I'm fairly sure there's crack in their food. I mean, it's not even especially tasty, but EVERY CANADIAN EVER ALWAYS WANTS IT. You will never find a Canadian who says 'No' to Timmies.

I have a t-shirt that says "Give me my Timmies and no one gets hurt!" Wish I knew where it was.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Something that involves say, crayons and glitter, for example.

You have to be careful with glitter, though. If you get glitter on you, you will have it on you forever.
Because glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

/shamelessly stolen from Demetri Martin's "Person" special, which was on Comedy Central last night


And yes, Mysty, there is indeed a book.

[Becks]

I'm trying to hate you to death. Let me know if you feel anything.

I'm getting vibes. Rather like an evil Care Bear Stare™.

[MMATM]

The Vending Machine of Sadness
<snip>
Seriously though, the Bacon & Cheddar potato skins. What’s in that bag? All the other, normal chips in the vending machine have a shelf life of about 45 days. The TGI Friday’s ones expire Feb 10, 2009 and they’ve already been in there for two months because no one is fool enough to try and eat them. You have to ask yourself, what’s in that bag? What did they add to make them last like 8 times as long as normal chips?

After extensive research (reading the ingredients and nutrition facts and eating several bags over the course of two years) I have determined scientifically that apart from having no nutritional value whatsoever, there really isn't anything inherently bad for you in them.

[KhirasHY]

Damnit Gravekeeper, I was having such a good night until I read the words "Tim Horton's." Why must you ignite my need for good foodstuffs!?

[froglet]

I have a t-shirt that says "Give me my Timmies and no one gets hurt!" Wish I knew where it was.

My sister has that shirt. My dad got it for her.

[Broomjockey]

And yes, Mysty, there is indeed a book.

Actually, this one would probably be better.

[Jester]

But how in the Hell did you break the seat in the process? Wait…no, don’t tell me. I probably don’t want to know.

I don't know whether to be amused, proud or embarrassed by what I'm about to say. Probably a bit of both.

But honestly, dude, I can understand where the caller was coming from. For I, too, have broken a toilet seat. More than one, actually. Well, to be fair, I didn't break it so much as it broke while I was the one using it. It was already loose to begin with, and I guess I was the straw that broke the camel's back.

So to speak.

Attention tourists. You are standing between me, a Canadian, and my genetically disposed destination, Tim Horton’s. I don’t believe you realize the amount of sheer danger you are presently in. Move. Faster. My blood sings for maple sugar and you dare stand in its path?

I have been known to get like this from time to time. I remember I used to go out to eat on a regular basis with my friend Ringer, and on Ten Cent Shrimp Night at one of the local watering holes, she would warn friends and/or waitstaff that putting their hands between the plate of shrimp and my mouth was a very dangerous activity, especially before I had downed my first fifty shrimpies.

VERY dangerous.

Guy 1: “It was a great first date. You know one of those ones where you don’t want to wash the outfit you were wearing ever again so your cloths end up dirty.”

Once again, I am not sure whether to be amused or embarrassed to say that I totally get where this dude is coming from. Let's face it, that is a GREAT first date, even if you don't get the way he's putting it.

Someone tell the guy that restocks our vending machine ( If you see him anyway, he’s like a rare white elk. ) that we need less TGI Friday’s Bacon & Cheddar Urinal Cake Shavings and more of those tiny little chocolate chip cookies of happiness.

Sad, so sad. I worked for Thank Goodness I Fled for longer than any other employer I've ever had, and while I was sick of the food, it was good food. (Eight years plus would make you sick of ANY restaurant's food!) So I could never understand why they would put such garbage in the stores for the masses, considering it was hellaciously inferior to the stuff the same masses could get at The Red and White Stripes.

No, GK, I think the glitter's a little too advanced for them. After all, they're still in the 'glue is edible' stage when they talk to you.

Nah. Glitter to them is like rainbow sprinkles, after all!

[Gravekeeper]

Sad, so sad. I worked for Thank Goodness I Fled for longer than any other employer I've ever had, and while I was sick of the food, it was good food. (Eight years plus would make you sick of ANY restaurant's food!) So I could never understand why they would put such garbage in the stores for the masses, considering it was hellaciously inferior to the stuff the same masses could get at The Red and White Stripes.

There's only about 4 of them in all of Canada. So it makes me wonder where the hell these particular chips came from. They've literally been in our vending machine since the dawn of time because no one will eat them. But our vending machine company is horrible. -.- They only restock the machine once a month if we're lucky, they rarely remove old stuff even if its expired and they always put the most random assortment of weird shit in there.

Then they cram in things that shouldn't be in there. Like Cup O' Noodle. Which have a 95% chance of getting stuck or jamming the machine's Open slot closed because its too wide to drop down to the bottom. Though it was kind of funny when he tried to put gum in there but it was too small for the rings to hold. So everything you bought had a 50% chance of getting you a pack of gum too because it would just fall out. -.-

[Slytovhand]

I also used the google for this "Tim Hortons" thing.. what's so special about it (as against any other of it's ilk??)

As for the dude who wanted a new service worker... I can sort of appreciate what he was saying... a bit. I presume that the people getting sent wanted to tell him how to be saved.. very damn annoying if you don't want to hear it. Similarly, if you're a bloke, and you keep getting sheila's... sometimes it can be good just to be blokey with a bloke again...

The black/white distinction is worthy of a bullet, though... (in the knee-caps...).

Now... numbering systems. and credit cards... 2 digits is fine, 4 is better. 16 at once is stupid and ridiculous. 3 at a time is just plain moronic...

Likewise.. A as in Alpha is the exact same letter as A as in Apple. Just because you haven't heard the word 'alpha' doesn't mean that the letter A is a different letter....grrr
/rant


Slyt

[crazylegs]

Y'Know GK, saying 'Dont Click Me' is like saying 'Don't Press the Red Button'...

[karath]

And yes, Mysty, there is indeed a book.

FIRST thing that sprang to mind on the "all classes" thing was "What class are CSRs?"

Followed shortly afterwards by the realization that I spend WAY too much time on WoW.

[Rapscallion]

I also used the google for this "Tim Hortons" thing.. what's so special about it (as against any other of it's ilk??)

Their hot chocolate is an internal eruption of joy. I've heard descriptions of cannabis cakes as being a feeling of wellbeing spreading throughout your body from your stomach, and that's about as close as I can get in words.

No idea about the rest of the gear, but those places are rarely short of customers, so it must be at least adequate.

Rapscallion