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Wherein I Am Godwin'd
Yes, I am a terrible person. This I know.
Because Clearly This is The Best Time For Telemarketing
I don’t know who “Shred-It” is, or why they feel that meeting my shredding needs is important at 2 am. By automated dial out no less. Seriously, if you have a service, and that service doesn’t involve an ambulance, fire engine, police cruiser, moving bodies, slaying vampires or pizza delivery, then your service probably isn’t important at 2am and can wait till the day time. In fact, hey, if you just moved into vampire slaying I bet business would take off. I mean seriously, do you know hard it is to find a decent vampire slayer? It’s not like they’re in the Yellowpages or anything you know. You have to use Craigslist and…well…to be honest Craigslist kind of comes with a 1 in 10 chance of ending up duct taped up in some guy’s basement naked with a pair of flippers on in front of a webcam. So it’s not really the ideal solution.
Awwww.
SC: “Is this rentals?”
Me: “This is the afterhours emergency.”
SC: “Oh, what time do they open?”
Me: “7am.”
SC: “Oh, ok, I’ll just wait then.”
Awww, isn’t that cute? He actually thinks he has a choice. That’s adorable.
867 ( God this one hurt my brain. )
Me: “Ok, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Uh…shoes.”
Me: “Alright, what’s the product id number?”
SC: “xxxx-xx”
Me: “Ok, what size?”
SC: “9.5”
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “Can I make them separate?”
Me: “..pardon?”
SC: “Like, can I make them two separate orders?”
Me: “…….”
SC: “…….”
Me: “…..well, you’d the COD shipping charge twice.”
SC: “Oh…uh….ok. Um, never mind then.”
……did you seriously just ask me if I would send you one shoe at a time? Can you not afford both shoes at once? Sorry to say but shoes kind of come as a set. I can’t really send you one at a time. What would you even do with just one shoe? I mean it’s certainly not going to help you walk properly and I highly doubt it’s going to win over the ladies of your perhaps a tad too closely related community. Somehow “Hey babe, check out my Nike. Yeah, I got one just the other day. Couple months and I’ll be able to afford the other one. <wink wink>. In the meantime I got this slick Winnie the Pooh sock.” wouldn’t get you very far.
Well, actually, considering where you live maybe it would.
Deep Breaths
You know, it’s not really wise to get into a screaming argument with someone on your cell in public to begin with. Especially if it’s going to be laced with a vocabulary so colourful even a sailor would go “Whoa, dude, chill.” All the better if its within earshot of Skytrain cops. Because Skytrain cops love it when you pace around the platform then stop suddenly, throw your head back like some sort of obscenity werewolf, take a deep breath and howl “ffffffffffaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuccccccccccccccKKKK KKK!” at the moonlit sky.
Cops love that.
My Status As a Human Being Has Been Lowered Again..
Me: “Are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “Yes.”
Me:“Ok, in what city?”
SC: “Phoenix”
Me: “Alright, give me a moment to check on Phoenix for you.”
SC: “Thank you, ma’am, er….or whatever.”
Me: “……”
Great, I’ve been demoted to a “what” now. Not only was I initially mistaken for female, but upon the realization of her error she could not identify me as male. Leaving me in what I assume is some sort of gray area between life changing surgery and post-op hormone treatment with a pair of pantyhose and a name like "Bunny".
867
SC: “Ya, can I place a motor?”
…um…sure? I mean, it’s up to you. It’s your living room. What happened, was the bathtub full?
The Male GDS Gene
I have a hot tip for my fellow male brethren this evening:
Do not attempt to psychoanalyze your girlfriend to her face. Especially not in public on, say, the Skytrain and not by saying something to make her upset and then going "Ah ha! See! That was a test!"
They were sitting in front of me and my God, I wasn’t even really paying attention but the second he said that my GDS ( Girlfriend Danger Sense ) immediately leapt to Defcon 4 and a chill went down my spine. For those of you unfamiliar with the GDS system it’s an inbuilt instinctual sense that some males carry that warns them of impending doom. It’s use to help us both avoid immediate death and an eventual death, cold and alone at bowling alley. Defcon 4 specifically is “Shut the HELL up, we will talk about this when we get home.”. But this poor fellow apparently lacked the GDS gene and just plowed right on through despite the tone in her voice. She had a look on her face like she was going to gouge him in the eyes too. But he was utterly oblivious.
Halfway through his attempt at psychology she actually turned around and looked at me. I’m assuming to see if I was overhearing this. I guess the mixture of fear and alarm on my face answered her question. She grabbed him by the arm, hauled him up and hissed at him in no uncertain terms that they were leaving. Now.
The poor fool didn’t even realize his life was in grave, grave danger.
Did you just Godwin me?
Me: “Good evening, <nursing station emergency line>”
SC: “I didn’t get any food today.”
Me: “You didn’t get any food? Has the nurse not shown up yet?”
SC: “What?”
Me: “Did your nurse not show up?”
SC: “I don’t understand. Am I being punished?!”
Me: “….no-“
SC: “This is just like World War 2!!”
Great. Now I’m a Nazi. Thanks for that.
I'm Going To Hell
Caller indicated the cause of death was “Petstruck.”. I’m sure I either heard incorrectly or this is some sort of abbreviation. However, the actual images that went through my head were varied and rather hilarious. Then I felt bad for laughing at the misery of others. Then I remembered I work in the customer service industry and if I don’t laugh at the misery of others I’ll go insane.
So: Haha, petstruck? What the hell? Did someone's sharpei get sucked out the passenger side window doing 140 on the highway and hit some hitchhiker in the sternum like some sort of wrinkled fur missile?
Because I would pay good money to see that. Or at the very least watch on Youtube a few times and email it to my friends.
...I am a terrible person.
What exactly do you want me to do?
I just spent 5 minutes listening to a woman talk about the weird pee like stain behind her toilet. She insists she cleans the bathroom all the time and the pee stain only appeared today while she wasn’t home as if by magic. I guess it just snuck into her house while she was at work and set up shop. She’s worried it may indicate some sort of plumbing problem as opposed to someone in the household having issues with their, er, aim. Sadly the boundaries of professionalism restrained me from asking the questions I actually wanted too. Such as “Have you asked everyone in the house if they’re urinating ON the toilet instead of in it? or “So why was this important at 3am again?” or "No, seriously, what the fuck? Go to bed."
Stupid boundaries. They ruin everything.
Welcome to Vancouver
So…the Skytrain. Which seems to be the very chariot of everything bizarre and disturbing in this city…allow me to describe the scene from this evening.
There was a woman near the back playing with her son, who was about 2 or so. More than a few people made polite comments and what not….and then there was this guy. A weird, wiry little ferret goblin of a man in a grungy wife beater and baseball cap. It seems Stadium was his stop so he shambled to his feet and went over to the door, which just happened to be near mom and son. Upon seeing them, a glint of hope appeared in his eyes. He had an opportunity to speak with something that had a vagina! Huzzah!
So he turned to the mother and began….yelling…seriously…. at the top of his lungs:
“IS HE YERS? I’VE GOT TWO OF THEM MYSELF! BUT DER SMALLER. DER TEETHING!”
( I’m not sure where he got them but I'm pretty sure the method triggered a warrant for his arrest. )
She did not respond. I wouldn’t have either. It’s like a T-Rex. He can’t see you if you don’t move. Yet he persisted bellowing…
“YER PROUD OF HIM, HUH?!” dead silence. “YER PROUD OF HIM, HUH!?!?” no response. “YER PROUD OF OF HIM!?” finally a cautious “…yes.”
Then we pulled up to Stadium, the doors opened…..and he began yelling “I’M NOBODY! I’M NOBOOOOOODY!” and fled the train in wide eyed terror.
Welcome to Vancouver.
Ugh, WHY?
You know, whomever set the dates for the bonus draws for this new lottery should be smacked. Is it really wise to have the first draw on Sept 11th? It’d be nice to be able to avoid having uncomfortable little chats like this:
C: “When’s the first bonus draw held?”
Me: “...Sept 11th.”
S: “Oh, um……..wow…9/11….why is it on Sept 11th?
Me: “I’m really not sure why they made it on Sept 11th…not really a good idea.”
“…..”
“…..”
( Several seconds of awkward uncomfortable silence. )
Me: “…….sooo, your tickets will arrive in about 2-3 weeks.”
S: “<nervous laugh> Oh, great, thanks.”
Sigh, really?
Me: “Ok, and your phone number please?”
SC: “xxx-xxxx”
Me: “and the area code?”
SC: “I have no idea.”
Me: “…you don’t know the area code?”
SC: “No.”
Me: “…..”
SC: “…..”
Me: “I can’t arrange for a tech to call you unless I have the area code.”
SC: “Oh, um….one sec”
( She goes to consult with her fellow monkey tribesmen for a couple minutes. )
SC: “No, we don’t know the area code….I guess we’ll have to call back later.”
Sadly, they never did call back. So that’s how this tale ended. I could understand you have a brain fart and don’t remember the area code. Or you don’t know it off by hand so you need to take a quick peek to find out. Or you have to ask another employee. But you both don’t know, can’t find out and don’t know how you’d find out? Do you even know what town you’re in? Hell, do you even know where you are? Is this some new alien abduction trend? They've finished with the anal probing so now they abduct you then you wake up several hours later working the night shift at a gas station with no knowledge of what happened?
Oh just fuck off, seriously.
Caller called to complain her neighbour has a <company> sign up in his yard. This sign is too bright. Yes, that’s right. The sign is too bright. The sign on her neighbour’s lawn. Not on her lawn mind you. Her neighbour’s lawn. Its too bright. No, really, this is her entire complaint. The colours of the sign are too bright and I guess its lowering her property values or frightening her children or emitting low level radiation and rendering her sterile or something. She wants me to be take it down. Right now. She’s tolerated it long enough. You know, because it’s too bright. Nevermind the fact she's several hundred kms away and its 4am. The sign has to die.
.....
So…the guy behind the counter at 7/11….he wasn’t wearing a uniform, looked like he’d literally just woken up in a ditch after a 3 day bender and was wearing a ratty green T-shirt that said, and I quote: “I’m just like you. Except smarter and more attractive.”. Right. There was no sign of any other employees either. For all I know he jumped the normal 7/11 guy, beat him unconscious and left him in the store room. Now he’s running the store because the gremlins told him it was his birthright.
As for that marvelously professional shirt though, I’m certainly not the smartest or even remotely the sexiest person on the planet, but I’m pretty sure that I rank at least a notch above Spongebong Fuckpants there.
I admit I enjoyed this more then I should have.
Me: “Good morning, <Zero-BS US government agency>.”
SC: “Is this the Hyatt Hotel?”
Me: “No, this is the <Zero-BS US government agency>”
SC: “Oh! I’m so sorry! I called the wrong number!”
Sure you did, terrorist.
Man, of all the wrong numbers to call. He sounded terrified. ^^
Insane Stunt Bonus
SC: “Our car’s locked in the parkade!”
Fail Bonus: +100 Points!
Me: “The parkade closes at 11pm......”
SC: “Yes, but we were a few minutes late!”
It’s 11:45pm.
Double Fail Bonus: +200 Points!
SC: “It’s a rental car, we have to return it in the morning!”
Mad Stupid Fail: +500 Points!
SC: “We’re flying out first thing in the morning. The tickets are already paid for. If we can’t get the car we can’t make our flight!”
Insane Epic Fail: +2000 Points!
Wow, even I couldn’t top that high score. GG, dude. I bow to the master.
Vagina. It's Not a Clown Car.
SC: “Yeah, this is the third time I’ve called! We have no water!”
Yes, I’m aware of this. Since you have, as you said, called three times already. However, you have a call block on your phone so the on call can’t reach you. Yet when asked you refuse to remove this call block so he could get through. Thus assuring your continued failure.
SC: “I know what it is. It’s because we’re poor isn’t it?!”
….wait, what?
SC: “Rich people call and people jump. Poor people call and whatever, we just get the run around. I’m sure if I was rich you’d be out to fix this already.”
Me: “That has absolutely nothing to do with it…”
SC: “That’s how it works! I've seen the world! I've worked as a security guard for 15 years! I know how it all goes!”
How’s that tinfoil hat working out for you, anyway?
SC: “I have 8 kids in a 5 room townhouse!”
Holy @%^!. Again with the 8 kids? What the hell? I thought <company> rented apartments and townhouses, not rabbit warrens.
Oh, hey. Psst. I think I know why you’re poor.
<sigh> I really am a terrible person, aren’t I? Oh well. At least I don’t have 8 kids.
Luck of the Irish
SC: “What percentage of tickets have been sold?”
Me: “We don’t usually start counting down till we hit 50%.”
SC: “Oh, ok. Has anyone that bought tickets from the first 50% ever actually won anything?”
Me: “…..I wouldn’t know.”
Ok, let me see if I have this straight. It’s unlucky to buy tickets early. But it’s also unlucky to buy tickets late because you miss the early birds. It’s also unlucky to buy more than one ticket at a time because the numbers aren’t random. So exactly when is it lucky to buy lottery tickets? Do you have to call and order a single ticket at exactly 12:47am on the night of a full moon on a cell phone from the summit of Mt Seymour, completely ass naked with a horseshoe clenched between your buttcheeks and an intricate portrait of the goddess Fortuna hand painted on your chest in woad by a Irishmen born at 7am on the 7th day of the 7th month?
mmhmmm
SC: “I called 15 minutes ago and no one’s called me back yet!”
Actually it was…let’s see…..exactly 5 minutes ago. Which means your perception of time has a 3x multiplier. Must suck for your boss when halfway through your shift you start demanding to know why you’re being forced to work overtime. On the plus side Christmas must come around pretty fast though.
Thus my suffering ends for another week... -.-
Because Clearly This is The Best Time For Telemarketing
I don’t know who “Shred-It” is, or why they feel that meeting my shredding needs is important at 2 am. By automated dial out no less. Seriously, if you have a service, and that service doesn’t involve an ambulance, fire engine, police cruiser, moving bodies, slaying vampires or pizza delivery, then your service probably isn’t important at 2am and can wait till the day time. In fact, hey, if you just moved into vampire slaying I bet business would take off. I mean seriously, do you know hard it is to find a decent vampire slayer? It’s not like they’re in the Yellowpages or anything you know. You have to use Craigslist and…well…to be honest Craigslist kind of comes with a 1 in 10 chance of ending up duct taped up in some guy’s basement naked with a pair of flippers on in front of a webcam. So it’s not really the ideal solution.
Awwww.
SC: “Is this rentals?”
Me: “This is the afterhours emergency.”
SC: “Oh, what time do they open?”
Me: “7am.”
SC: “Oh, ok, I’ll just wait then.”
Awww, isn’t that cute? He actually thinks he has a choice. That’s adorable.
867 ( God this one hurt my brain. )
Me: “Ok, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Uh…shoes.”
Me: “Alright, what’s the product id number?”
SC: “xxxx-xx”
Me: “Ok, what size?”
SC: “9.5”
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “Can I make them separate?”
Me: “..pardon?”
SC: “Like, can I make them two separate orders?”
Me: “…….”
SC: “…….”
Me: “…..well, you’d the COD shipping charge twice.”
SC: “Oh…uh….ok. Um, never mind then.”
……did you seriously just ask me if I would send you one shoe at a time? Can you not afford both shoes at once? Sorry to say but shoes kind of come as a set. I can’t really send you one at a time. What would you even do with just one shoe? I mean it’s certainly not going to help you walk properly and I highly doubt it’s going to win over the ladies of your perhaps a tad too closely related community. Somehow “Hey babe, check out my Nike. Yeah, I got one just the other day. Couple months and I’ll be able to afford the other one. <wink wink>. In the meantime I got this slick Winnie the Pooh sock.” wouldn’t get you very far.
Well, actually, considering where you live maybe it would.
Deep Breaths
You know, it’s not really wise to get into a screaming argument with someone on your cell in public to begin with. Especially if it’s going to be laced with a vocabulary so colourful even a sailor would go “Whoa, dude, chill.” All the better if its within earshot of Skytrain cops. Because Skytrain cops love it when you pace around the platform then stop suddenly, throw your head back like some sort of obscenity werewolf, take a deep breath and howl “ffffffffffaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuccccccccccccccKKKK KKK!” at the moonlit sky.
Cops love that.
My Status As a Human Being Has Been Lowered Again..
Me: “Are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “Yes.”
Me:“Ok, in what city?”
SC: “Phoenix”
Me: “Alright, give me a moment to check on Phoenix for you.”
SC: “Thank you, ma’am, er….or whatever.”
Me: “……”
Great, I’ve been demoted to a “what” now. Not only was I initially mistaken for female, but upon the realization of her error she could not identify me as male. Leaving me in what I assume is some sort of gray area between life changing surgery and post-op hormone treatment with a pair of pantyhose and a name like "Bunny".
867
SC: “Ya, can I place a motor?”
…um…sure? I mean, it’s up to you. It’s your living room. What happened, was the bathtub full?
The Male GDS Gene
I have a hot tip for my fellow male brethren this evening:
Do not attempt to psychoanalyze your girlfriend to her face. Especially not in public on, say, the Skytrain and not by saying something to make her upset and then going "Ah ha! See! That was a test!"
They were sitting in front of me and my God, I wasn’t even really paying attention but the second he said that my GDS ( Girlfriend Danger Sense ) immediately leapt to Defcon 4 and a chill went down my spine. For those of you unfamiliar with the GDS system it’s an inbuilt instinctual sense that some males carry that warns them of impending doom. It’s use to help us both avoid immediate death and an eventual death, cold and alone at bowling alley. Defcon 4 specifically is “Shut the HELL up, we will talk about this when we get home.”. But this poor fellow apparently lacked the GDS gene and just plowed right on through despite the tone in her voice. She had a look on her face like she was going to gouge him in the eyes too. But he was utterly oblivious.
Halfway through his attempt at psychology she actually turned around and looked at me. I’m assuming to see if I was overhearing this. I guess the mixture of fear and alarm on my face answered her question. She grabbed him by the arm, hauled him up and hissed at him in no uncertain terms that they were leaving. Now.
The poor fool didn’t even realize his life was in grave, grave danger.
Did you just Godwin me?
Me: “Good evening, <nursing station emergency line>”
SC: “I didn’t get any food today.”
Me: “You didn’t get any food? Has the nurse not shown up yet?”
SC: “What?”
Me: “Did your nurse not show up?”
SC: “I don’t understand. Am I being punished?!”
Me: “….no-“
SC: “This is just like World War 2!!”
Great. Now I’m a Nazi. Thanks for that.
I'm Going To Hell
Caller indicated the cause of death was “Petstruck.”. I’m sure I either heard incorrectly or this is some sort of abbreviation. However, the actual images that went through my head were varied and rather hilarious. Then I felt bad for laughing at the misery of others. Then I remembered I work in the customer service industry and if I don’t laugh at the misery of others I’ll go insane.
So: Haha, petstruck? What the hell? Did someone's sharpei get sucked out the passenger side window doing 140 on the highway and hit some hitchhiker in the sternum like some sort of wrinkled fur missile?
Because I would pay good money to see that. Or at the very least watch on Youtube a few times and email it to my friends.
...I am a terrible person.
What exactly do you want me to do?
I just spent 5 minutes listening to a woman talk about the weird pee like stain behind her toilet. She insists she cleans the bathroom all the time and the pee stain only appeared today while she wasn’t home as if by magic. I guess it just snuck into her house while she was at work and set up shop. She’s worried it may indicate some sort of plumbing problem as opposed to someone in the household having issues with their, er, aim. Sadly the boundaries of professionalism restrained me from asking the questions I actually wanted too. Such as “Have you asked everyone in the house if they’re urinating ON the toilet instead of in it? or “So why was this important at 3am again?” or "No, seriously, what the fuck? Go to bed."
Stupid boundaries. They ruin everything.
Welcome to Vancouver
So…the Skytrain. Which seems to be the very chariot of everything bizarre and disturbing in this city…allow me to describe the scene from this evening.
There was a woman near the back playing with her son, who was about 2 or so. More than a few people made polite comments and what not….and then there was this guy. A weird, wiry little ferret goblin of a man in a grungy wife beater and baseball cap. It seems Stadium was his stop so he shambled to his feet and went over to the door, which just happened to be near mom and son. Upon seeing them, a glint of hope appeared in his eyes. He had an opportunity to speak with something that had a vagina! Huzzah!
So he turned to the mother and began….yelling…seriously…. at the top of his lungs:
“IS HE YERS? I’VE GOT TWO OF THEM MYSELF! BUT DER SMALLER. DER TEETHING!”
( I’m not sure where he got them but I'm pretty sure the method triggered a warrant for his arrest. )
She did not respond. I wouldn’t have either. It’s like a T-Rex. He can’t see you if you don’t move. Yet he persisted bellowing…
“YER PROUD OF HIM, HUH?!” dead silence. “YER PROUD OF HIM, HUH!?!?” no response. “YER PROUD OF OF HIM!?” finally a cautious “…yes.”
Then we pulled up to Stadium, the doors opened…..and he began yelling “I’M NOBODY! I’M NOBOOOOOODY!” and fled the train in wide eyed terror.
Welcome to Vancouver.
Ugh, WHY?
You know, whomever set the dates for the bonus draws for this new lottery should be smacked. Is it really wise to have the first draw on Sept 11th? It’d be nice to be able to avoid having uncomfortable little chats like this:
C: “When’s the first bonus draw held?”
Me: “...Sept 11th.”
S: “Oh, um……..wow…9/11….why is it on Sept 11th?
Me: “I’m really not sure why they made it on Sept 11th…not really a good idea.”
“…..”
“…..”
( Several seconds of awkward uncomfortable silence. )
Me: “…….sooo, your tickets will arrive in about 2-3 weeks.”
S: “<nervous laugh> Oh, great, thanks.”
Sigh, really?
Me: “Ok, and your phone number please?”
SC: “xxx-xxxx”
Me: “and the area code?”
SC: “I have no idea.”
Me: “…you don’t know the area code?”
SC: “No.”
Me: “…..”
SC: “…..”
Me: “I can’t arrange for a tech to call you unless I have the area code.”
SC: “Oh, um….one sec”
( She goes to consult with her fellow monkey tribesmen for a couple minutes. )
SC: “No, we don’t know the area code….I guess we’ll have to call back later.”
Sadly, they never did call back. So that’s how this tale ended. I could understand you have a brain fart and don’t remember the area code. Or you don’t know it off by hand so you need to take a quick peek to find out. Or you have to ask another employee. But you both don’t know, can’t find out and don’t know how you’d find out? Do you even know what town you’re in? Hell, do you even know where you are? Is this some new alien abduction trend? They've finished with the anal probing so now they abduct you then you wake up several hours later working the night shift at a gas station with no knowledge of what happened?
Oh just fuck off, seriously.
Caller called to complain her neighbour has a <company> sign up in his yard. This sign is too bright. Yes, that’s right. The sign is too bright. The sign on her neighbour’s lawn. Not on her lawn mind you. Her neighbour’s lawn. Its too bright. No, really, this is her entire complaint. The colours of the sign are too bright and I guess its lowering her property values or frightening her children or emitting low level radiation and rendering her sterile or something. She wants me to be take it down. Right now. She’s tolerated it long enough. You know, because it’s too bright. Nevermind the fact she's several hundred kms away and its 4am. The sign has to die.
.....
So…the guy behind the counter at 7/11….he wasn’t wearing a uniform, looked like he’d literally just woken up in a ditch after a 3 day bender and was wearing a ratty green T-shirt that said, and I quote: “I’m just like you. Except smarter and more attractive.”. Right. There was no sign of any other employees either. For all I know he jumped the normal 7/11 guy, beat him unconscious and left him in the store room. Now he’s running the store because the gremlins told him it was his birthright.
As for that marvelously professional shirt though, I’m certainly not the smartest or even remotely the sexiest person on the planet, but I’m pretty sure that I rank at least a notch above Spongebong Fuckpants there.
I admit I enjoyed this more then I should have.
Me: “Good morning, <Zero-BS US government agency>.”
SC: “Is this the Hyatt Hotel?”
Me: “No, this is the <Zero-BS US government agency>”
SC: “Oh! I’m so sorry! I called the wrong number!”
Sure you did, terrorist.
Man, of all the wrong numbers to call. He sounded terrified. ^^
Insane Stunt Bonus
SC: “Our car’s locked in the parkade!”
Fail Bonus: +100 Points!
Me: “The parkade closes at 11pm......”
SC: “Yes, but we were a few minutes late!”
It’s 11:45pm.
Double Fail Bonus: +200 Points!
SC: “It’s a rental car, we have to return it in the morning!”
Mad Stupid Fail: +500 Points!
SC: “We’re flying out first thing in the morning. The tickets are already paid for. If we can’t get the car we can’t make our flight!”
Insane Epic Fail: +2000 Points!
Wow, even I couldn’t top that high score. GG, dude. I bow to the master.
Vagina. It's Not a Clown Car.
SC: “Yeah, this is the third time I’ve called! We have no water!”
Yes, I’m aware of this. Since you have, as you said, called three times already. However, you have a call block on your phone so the on call can’t reach you. Yet when asked you refuse to remove this call block so he could get through. Thus assuring your continued failure.
SC: “I know what it is. It’s because we’re poor isn’t it?!”
….wait, what?
SC: “Rich people call and people jump. Poor people call and whatever, we just get the run around. I’m sure if I was rich you’d be out to fix this already.”
Me: “That has absolutely nothing to do with it…”
SC: “That’s how it works! I've seen the world! I've worked as a security guard for 15 years! I know how it all goes!”
How’s that tinfoil hat working out for you, anyway?
SC: “I have 8 kids in a 5 room townhouse!”
Holy @%^!. Again with the 8 kids? What the hell? I thought <company> rented apartments and townhouses, not rabbit warrens.
Oh, hey. Psst. I think I know why you’re poor.
<sigh> I really am a terrible person, aren’t I? Oh well. At least I don’t have 8 kids.
Luck of the Irish
SC: “What percentage of tickets have been sold?”
Me: “We don’t usually start counting down till we hit 50%.”
SC: “Oh, ok. Has anyone that bought tickets from the first 50% ever actually won anything?”
Me: “…..I wouldn’t know.”
Ok, let me see if I have this straight. It’s unlucky to buy tickets early. But it’s also unlucky to buy tickets late because you miss the early birds. It’s also unlucky to buy more than one ticket at a time because the numbers aren’t random. So exactly when is it lucky to buy lottery tickets? Do you have to call and order a single ticket at exactly 12:47am on the night of a full moon on a cell phone from the summit of Mt Seymour, completely ass naked with a horseshoe clenched between your buttcheeks and an intricate portrait of the goddess Fortuna hand painted on your chest in woad by a Irishmen born at 7am on the 7th day of the 7th month?
mmhmmm
SC: “I called 15 minutes ago and no one’s called me back yet!”
Actually it was…let’s see…..exactly 5 minutes ago. Which means your perception of time has a 3x multiplier. Must suck for your boss when halfway through your shift you start demanding to know why you’re being forced to work overtime. On the plus side Christmas must come around pretty fast though.
Thus my suffering ends for another week... -.-
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