Creative Responses

[sms001]

Lottery tickets.

SC: "Gimme a lucky one!"

ME: "Ma'am, if I could pick the lucky ones out of the roll, we wouldn't be having this conversation......"

[Danno]

This year a lot of customers at the custard stand will ask, "Now you took the calories out of that, right?"

To which I'll respond with something like, "If we could make zero calorie banana splits, we'd be a lot richer by now."

or

"Sure, I snuck them into the next guy's shake."

or once in while just,

"Yep."

I'd love to know the origin of this peculiar little question, as far too many customers have used it lately and I don't think they all came up with it on their own.

[Imogene]

Question: Do you got any deals on cigarettes?

1) No, sir, I usually deal cards.
-alt-
2) No, sir, I usually deal on felt.

[ralerin]

Wish I had the nerve to say this.

"Are you open?"

"Not with the details of my personal life, no."

[Jester]

THEM: "How much is that shirt?"
ME: "Twenty-five dollars plus tax."
THEM: Can you give me a deal on it?"
ME: "Sure. For you....twenty-five dollars plus tax."

While at work, in Key West, Florida.....
THEM: "Do you live here?"
ME: "No, I commute from Phoenix every day."

THEM: "What's good on the menu?"
ME: "Nothing. Everything's crap."
(Yes, I use this one. Almost daily. Amazing what you can get away with with a sly smile....)

THEM: "What do you recommend?"
ME: "Booze, and lots of it!"

(We have an open-air roofdeck....)
THEM (having just walked in from the outside): "What's the weather like upstairs?"
ME: "Snowing."

THEM: "Is the menu the same upstairs as down here?"
ME: "No. Up there it's in Hebrew."

THEM: "Can we eat at the bar?"
ME: "Only if you order food."

ME: "Do you have everything I can legally provide for you at this time?"
THEM: "What can you provide illegally?"
ME: "Nothing. That's why I asked it like that."

ME: "Is there anything else I can get for you?"
THEM: "A million dollars/winning lottery tickets/some hot women/etc. (insert your own ridiculous one here)"
ME: "Is there anything else I can get you that I'd be willing to get you?"

[NateTheChops]

Some more I picked up from this week.

Them: "Do you take credit?"
Me: Every chance I get.

Them: "Don't you ever get tired of listening to this crap every day?" (Usually referring to the store music)
Me: "Oh I get tired of hearing something everyday."

Girl: Do you have fans?
Me: Me personally? No. As for the store, only when they're in season and it's the middle of autumn.

Me at the register to a customer who is in line and waiting: Are you all set?
Customer stares blankly and asks: "I'm sorry?"
Me: I don't actually care how you are today, I just want to ring you up.

Them: Do you take Student Advantage?
Me: No, but we take advantage of students. Baddampshh.

Now, please understand that some of these can seem a little biting out of context. Said in the right tone though I have gotten a lot of laughs.

[taxguykarl]

Pocketing the change as a moron tax there just seems like stealing to me...

Never give a sucker an even break.

-W.C. Fields

[Jester]

THEM: "So you're the Southernmost [Northeastern U.S. city] Bar, huh?"
ME: "Yes. Yes we are."
THEM: "So will you have the [Same Northeastern U.S. city's football team] game on this Sunday?"
ME: "No. Why?"

THEM: "Do we get a discount for being from [Same Northeastern U.S. city]?"
ME: "Sure. For you, it's twice the price."

We are a rum bar. We have over 120+ different rums in stock, and that is blatantly obvious for several reasons I won't go into. And yet still we get this:

THEM: "Do you have any rum?"
ME: "No. Rum? What's that?"

[Meegz]

If someone can please come up with a reply of...

Cust: "I want to order this piece of furniture"
On goes the trials and tribulations of said order..
Me: "Ok, if I may have your phone number where we can reach you so we can let you know when it comes in.."
Cust: "WHAT? my number is unlisted I never give that out!"
Me: "Ok....well, you can call our number every Monday and Wednesday to see if it came in" (we hate this by the way, most customers know the number is just for us to give them service)
Cust: "So you expect me to take time out of my day to call you to see if the furniture I PAID for came in, you must be kidding me!! Thats not customer service!!"

...I would love it. 'Sorry' doesn't cut it anymore

[Gurndigarn]

Cust: "WHAT? my number is unlisted I never give that out!"
Me: "Ok....well, you can call our number every Monday and Wednesday to see if it came in" (we hate this by the way, most customers know the number is just for us to give them service)
Cust: "So you expect me to take time out of my day to call you to see if the furniture I PAID for came in, you must be kidding me!! Thats not customer service!!"

"Well, ma'am/sir, normally we call you. But since you don't want to provide us with your phone number or call us, the next option is for us to send you a postcard when it arrives. Let me make sure I got your address correct..."

[cinema guy]

If someone can please come up with a reply of...
Cust: "So you expect me to take time out of my day to call you to see if the furniture I PAID for came in, you must be kidding me!! Thats not customer service!!"

Please keep an eye out for smoke signals. Three long puffs, two short puffs and a funny one shaped a bit like a bird will mean your furniture is in.

[rts]

Wish I had the nerve to say this.

"Are you open?"

"Not with the details of my personal life, no."

"Are you open?"

"No, I'm RTS, open is in the back going to the bathroom"

[Slytovhand]

*cough cough*

It occurs to me... I might be hanging with my guy friends too much. I can find perversion in ANYTHING.

??? There's another meaning?

After "Can I ask you a question?", "You just did" is line 2...

"Ok, can I ask you another one?"
"You just did".

(now they're getting annoyed...)

"How long have you been growing your hair?' (which is about down to my waist)
"About 2 feet". (well, actually I just put my hand down, and say "to about here".)

[quote}Cust: "So you expect me to take time out of my day to call you to see if the furniture I PAID for came in, you must be kidding me!! Thats not customer service!!"[/quote]

Ok then, we can just leave it out on the sidewalk, and you can come and collect it when you're ready.

[smileyeagle1021]

Them: "Do you take credit?"
Me: Every chance I get.

.

that is brilliant... too bad everyone knows we take credit and will ask about us taking cash... otherwise I would so use that line

[crazylegs]

Please keep an eye out for smoke signals. Three long puffs, two short puffs and a funny one shaped a bit like a bird will mean your furniture is now nothing more than a thermal signature.

Edited for giggles...