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i am The Admin for an insurance & investment company that did not eat shit during the recent financial crisis. i'm the only warm body in this office 99.999% of the time & the only person answering the phones. if you call, you speak to me. (much to the chagrin of people who don’t like the answer i give and call back to talk to someone else. but i digress…) this is the sort of phone call I get 3 or 4 times a day now that people are crawling out from under their rocks & realizing the economy sucks.
ME: *opening spiel*
SC: i need to speak with my rep.
ME: do you have their name?
SC: no i DON'T. it's been 10 years since i've spoken with anyone there & i don't know who my rep is anymore because i originally set up this account with Company A & now you're Company B & i've been calling all these numbers for a month now trying to find out who my rep is.
ME: {calling what numbers? i have one number & as your name isn’t on my “find & mutilate list” you can be assured that we haven’t spoken before.} ok sir. i can look up your account & and find out who's currently servicing it. i will need the correct spellings of your full first & last names, your full account number with any sub- or prefixes & either your social security number or date of birth, please.
SC: i'm not real comfortable giving that information out on the phone & i'm tired of calling all these numbers & getting the run around & i really don't like giving that information out over the phone.
ME: {dude, you called me. i'm not some scam artist calling your house fishing for info. and while we’re at it: my reps have thousands of clients. they cover entire school districts. they don't have time to call their entire book of business just to check in. they pretty much assume no news is good news, mkay?} i do apologize, sir, but i need that information not only to look up your account but the verify your identity.
SC: fine. i can't believe i have to go through all of this. it's not my fault you haven’t called me in 10 years. *gives name, account number & DOB*
ME: { i search & get nothing. shit.} i'm sorry, sir. i'm not able to locate that account number. let me verify your information *verify info* i can try to locate your account using your social security number.
SC: i already told you i'm not comfortable giving that information out over the phone & i’m tired of getting the run around from people & i think it's horrible customer service that YOU haven’t called ME in 10 years & when i got this account it was Company A & now you're Company B & i don't see why you can't find my account just using my account number because i'm not at all comfortable giving out all of my information on the phone.
-- i would like to take a moment to address the "you were Company A, now you're Company B" issue. the reality is, we’re Company D. in the ten years since this turdsniffer last thought to check on his investments, Company A was bought by Company B. Company B was bought by Company C. a few years ago, my company acquired the useful portion of Company C. so his account number looks valid but there’s a chance that it belongs to the crap portion of Company C that we scraped off the plate before taking home the leftovers. --
ME: i apologize for the inconvenience but i am unable to locate your account using your account number. the only other option i have is to do a system search using your social security number.
SC: well, you see i'm really not comfortable giving that information out & Company A is Company B now but I got this account with Company A & i'm tired of of having someone making money off off an account when YOU haven't called ME in 10 years and i can't even find out who my rep is. *finally gives up his social security number*
ME: i'm sorry ,sir, but as i said, i'm unable to locate your account using any of the fields available to me.
SC: let me talk to your manager.
ME: {you want to talk to the guy who uses the exact same criteria to search the exact same system? fine by me. as long as get you the hell off my phone.} ok. our district manager is out of the Denver office. i can give you his toll free number or take your contact information & have him call you.
SC: *sigh* i can't BELIEVE this. i got this policy with company A and now I have to call company B and noone knows what they're doing & I can’t believe you haven’t called me in 10 years. you have horrible customer service & i'm tired of making phone calls.
i finally got him to write down the number for the Denver office and before he could get another word in i wrapped it up with a quick & dirty “ThanksforcallingCompanyD” *hang up*
hate, hate, hate. so much hate, so little time.
ME: *opening spiel*
SC: i need to speak with my rep.
ME: do you have their name?
SC: no i DON'T. it's been 10 years since i've spoken with anyone there & i don't know who my rep is anymore because i originally set up this account with Company A & now you're Company B & i've been calling all these numbers for a month now trying to find out who my rep is.
ME: {calling what numbers? i have one number & as your name isn’t on my “find & mutilate list” you can be assured that we haven’t spoken before.} ok sir. i can look up your account & and find out who's currently servicing it. i will need the correct spellings of your full first & last names, your full account number with any sub- or prefixes & either your social security number or date of birth, please.
SC: i'm not real comfortable giving that information out on the phone & i'm tired of calling all these numbers & getting the run around & i really don't like giving that information out over the phone.
ME: {dude, you called me. i'm not some scam artist calling your house fishing for info. and while we’re at it: my reps have thousands of clients. they cover entire school districts. they don't have time to call their entire book of business just to check in. they pretty much assume no news is good news, mkay?} i do apologize, sir, but i need that information not only to look up your account but the verify your identity.
SC: fine. i can't believe i have to go through all of this. it's not my fault you haven’t called me in 10 years. *gives name, account number & DOB*
ME: { i search & get nothing. shit.} i'm sorry, sir. i'm not able to locate that account number. let me verify your information *verify info* i can try to locate your account using your social security number.
SC: i already told you i'm not comfortable giving that information out over the phone & i’m tired of getting the run around from people & i think it's horrible customer service that YOU haven’t called ME in 10 years & when i got this account it was Company A & now you're Company B & i don't see why you can't find my account just using my account number because i'm not at all comfortable giving out all of my information on the phone.
-- i would like to take a moment to address the "you were Company A, now you're Company B" issue. the reality is, we’re Company D. in the ten years since this turdsniffer last thought to check on his investments, Company A was bought by Company B. Company B was bought by Company C. a few years ago, my company acquired the useful portion of Company C. so his account number looks valid but there’s a chance that it belongs to the crap portion of Company C that we scraped off the plate before taking home the leftovers. --
ME: i apologize for the inconvenience but i am unable to locate your account using your account number. the only other option i have is to do a system search using your social security number.
SC: well, you see i'm really not comfortable giving that information out & Company A is Company B now but I got this account with Company A & i'm tired of of having someone making money off off an account when YOU haven't called ME in 10 years and i can't even find out who my rep is. *finally gives up his social security number*
ME: i'm sorry ,sir, but as i said, i'm unable to locate your account using any of the fields available to me.
SC: let me talk to your manager.
ME: {you want to talk to the guy who uses the exact same criteria to search the exact same system? fine by me. as long as get you the hell off my phone.} ok. our district manager is out of the Denver office. i can give you his toll free number or take your contact information & have him call you.
SC: *sigh* i can't BELIEVE this. i got this policy with company A and now I have to call company B and noone knows what they're doing & I can’t believe you haven’t called me in 10 years. you have horrible customer service & i'm tired of making phone calls.
i finally got him to write down the number for the Denver office and before he could get another word in i wrapped it up with a quick & dirty “ThanksforcallingCompanyD” *hang up*
hate, hate, hate. so much hate, so little time.
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