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I guess I'd never realised it, but maybe there is an IQ threshold one must meet in order to order a pizza. (I won't bother with vague references to our products, since it would ruin the story. )
SC- With a capital 'S' for stupid
Me- Please, shoot me.
Me: <spiel>
SC: I'd like to place an order for carryout.
(Off to a good start here!)
ME: Ok, what's your phone number?
SC: xxx-xxx-xxxx (Same as on the caller ID, good.)
ME: And what would you like today?
SC: What are your specials?
ME: Well, we've got the 5-5-5, three medium one toppings for $5.55 each. We've also got a special on the new American Legends specialty pizzas - 12.99 for a large, 10.99 for a medium.
SC: Do you have any with breadsticks?
ME: Uh, no. (Not exactly true. But, hey, you can get the coupons out of your mailbox yourself.)
SC: How much would it be for the three piza thing?
Me: It'd be $18.02 with tax.
SC: How much for a large three topping?
ME: That'd be $18.66
SC: (<to somoene else> A large would be 18, or we can get three mediums for 18. What do you want?
SC: Do you take EBT?
ME: Yes, on carryout only.
SC: You don't take EBT on carryout?
ME: No. We take them *only* on carryout.
SC: You can do them on delivery?
ME: No, we only take EBT on carryout.
SC: But it's just like a credit card. I just give you the number on the phone.
Me: No, we have to swipe the card here. You have to come in. (You're annoying me now.)
SC: I can't have it delivered then?
Me: Not if you want to pay by EBT.
SC: Can I use food stamps?
Me: Yes, you can use food stamps on your EBT here.
SC: What was that you said about a large for ten dollars?
Me: You mean the special for a large for 12.99, medium for 10.99?
SC: Yeah
Me: That's on the new American Legends specialty pizzas.
SC: What are those?
Me: I don't know if you've seen the commercials, but they have six new specialty pizzas that have more cheese, special toppings (blah blah blah)
SC: What are they?
ME: (Names off all six from the poster)
SC: I'm putting it on speaker, could you repeat that?
Me: (Repeats)
SC: There are two chicken ones?
Me: Yes, the Cali Chicken Bacon Ranch and the Memphis BBQ.
SC: What's the difference?
Me: (sigh) The one has chicken bacon and ranch-
SC: What about the BBQ one? What makes it BBQ?
Me: Uh, the BBQ sauce?
SC: What about the Hawaiian one? Does it have Hawaiian sauce?
Me: (WTF is Hawaiian sauce?) Uh, no, it has ham and pineapple.
SC: That doesn't sound very special.
Me: (No, but you sound very *special*) ...
SC: I think I'll get the Philly Cheesteak one.
Me: Large, or medium.
SC: Large
Me: OK, a large philly. Anything else?
SC: No, that's it.
Me: Ok, your total is 14-something. If you pay using food stamps on your EBT, it will be tax free, and only cost $12.99
SC: How long will that take?
Me: About 15-20 minutes.
SC: The philly cheesesteak is just cheese, right?
Me: (hanging head) No, it's just like a philly cheesesteak sandwich, but on a pizza.
SC: Oh, I don't work at a pizza place. I don't know these things.
Me: (Yes, unless you work at a pizza place, you would never guess that a philly chesesteak is something more than just cheese. WTF? You've never heard of cheesesteak? And why did you order something that you had no clue what it is?) ....
SC: How long did you say that would be?
Me: About 15-20 minutes
SC: ok
Me: (Hang up. Set my head on top of the monitor. Sigh.)
This call took at least five minutes. For ONE pizza. Normally, I would have been a little more.. condescending.. but I knew there was a customer in the lobby, about three feeet from me. Since she was there, I decided to close the window before telling my manager how stupid the cuatomer was. As I was going to close it, I saw the customer looking at me, this grin on her face. I said 'That lady was reaaallly stupid', and she laughed. I related to her how the woman had asked about 'hawaiian sauce', and thought philly cheesesteak was just cheese. She giggled and gave me that 'I've been there' look. I threw in a few Cokes with her pizza
Epilogue: Stupid Lady never did show up (an hour and a half later), so I had a large philly for dinner.
SC- With a capital 'S' for stupid
Me- Please, shoot me.
Me: <spiel>
SC: I'd like to place an order for carryout.
(Off to a good start here!)
ME: Ok, what's your phone number?
SC: xxx-xxx-xxxx (Same as on the caller ID, good.)
ME: And what would you like today?
SC: What are your specials?
ME: Well, we've got the 5-5-5, three medium one toppings for $5.55 each. We've also got a special on the new American Legends specialty pizzas - 12.99 for a large, 10.99 for a medium.
SC: Do you have any with breadsticks?
ME: Uh, no. (Not exactly true. But, hey, you can get the coupons out of your mailbox yourself.)
SC: How much would it be for the three piza thing?
Me: It'd be $18.02 with tax.
SC: How much for a large three topping?
ME: That'd be $18.66
SC: (<to somoene else> A large would be 18, or we can get three mediums for 18. What do you want?
SC: Do you take EBT?
ME: Yes, on carryout only.
SC: You don't take EBT on carryout?
ME: No. We take them *only* on carryout.
SC: You can do them on delivery?
ME: No, we only take EBT on carryout.
SC: But it's just like a credit card. I just give you the number on the phone.
Me: No, we have to swipe the card here. You have to come in. (You're annoying me now.)
SC: I can't have it delivered then?
Me: Not if you want to pay by EBT.
SC: Can I use food stamps?
Me: Yes, you can use food stamps on your EBT here.
SC: What was that you said about a large for ten dollars?
Me: You mean the special for a large for 12.99, medium for 10.99?
SC: Yeah
Me: That's on the new American Legends specialty pizzas.
SC: What are those?
Me: I don't know if you've seen the commercials, but they have six new specialty pizzas that have more cheese, special toppings (blah blah blah)
SC: What are they?
ME: (Names off all six from the poster)
SC: I'm putting it on speaker, could you repeat that?
Me: (Repeats)
SC: There are two chicken ones?
Me: Yes, the Cali Chicken Bacon Ranch and the Memphis BBQ.
SC: What's the difference?
Me: (sigh) The one has chicken bacon and ranch-
SC: What about the BBQ one? What makes it BBQ?
Me: Uh, the BBQ sauce?
SC: What about the Hawaiian one? Does it have Hawaiian sauce?
Me: (WTF is Hawaiian sauce?) Uh, no, it has ham and pineapple.
SC: That doesn't sound very special.
Me: (No, but you sound very *special*) ...
SC: I think I'll get the Philly Cheesteak one.
Me: Large, or medium.
SC: Large
Me: OK, a large philly. Anything else?
SC: No, that's it.
Me: Ok, your total is 14-something. If you pay using food stamps on your EBT, it will be tax free, and only cost $12.99
SC: How long will that take?
Me: About 15-20 minutes.
SC: The philly cheesesteak is just cheese, right?
Me: (hanging head) No, it's just like a philly cheesesteak sandwich, but on a pizza.
SC: Oh, I don't work at a pizza place. I don't know these things.
Me: (Yes, unless you work at a pizza place, you would never guess that a philly chesesteak is something more than just cheese. WTF? You've never heard of cheesesteak? And why did you order something that you had no clue what it is?) ....
SC: How long did you say that would be?
Me: About 15-20 minutes
SC: ok
Me: (Hang up. Set my head on top of the monitor. Sigh.)
This call took at least five minutes. For ONE pizza. Normally, I would have been a little more.. condescending.. but I knew there was a customer in the lobby, about three feeet from me. Since she was there, I decided to close the window before telling my manager how stupid the cuatomer was. As I was going to close it, I saw the customer looking at me, this grin on her face. I said 'That lady was reaaallly stupid', and she laughed. I related to her how the woman had asked about 'hawaiian sauce', and thought philly cheesesteak was just cheese. She giggled and gave me that 'I've been there' look. I threw in a few Cokes with her pizza
Epilogue: Stupid Lady never did show up (an hour and a half later), so I had a large philly for dinner.
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