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The Leftorium is three doors down on your left.
Today I got a visit from another one of our "irreegulars"--somebody I've dubbed Crazy Hat Lady.
Crazy Hat Lady is never seen without her black hat and dark gray trenchcoat. She likes to hang around in toys and sporting goods to find items to spoil her daughter (or is that granddaughter? The story changes) with.
And dear God, that mouth of hers doesn't stop once it gets started. She'll talk your ear off about anything that springs to her mind until you want to lure her over to domestics and smother her with a pillow.
So today I saw her approaching and tried to make myself look busy so she wouldn't come up to me with a question or to strike up a conversation. No such luck.
"Excuse me, where are the bell bikes at?" Yes, she said "bell bikes." What she meant was bike bells. I escorted her over to the bike supplies, where we discovered bike bells of several different varieties. She seemed satisfied, so I went back to work stocking sporting goods while she spent the next ten minutes or so ringing the bike bells and annoying the royal shit out of me.
And then: "Excuse me, do you have any bell bikes (AGAIN
) that are specifically built for left-handed people? You see, my daughter is left-handed and all these bells seem built for somebody right-handed."
Somehow, this sounds like she's asking for the bicycling equivalent of the left-handed screwdriver to me, but I could be wrong. It seemed to me that the bell could be suitably adapted for a southpaw simply by mounting it on the left handlebar. I didn't mention this to her. I just told what we had was what we had, and that I didn't know there were left-handed bike bells, but that could be because I never had to look for one.
Crazy Hat Lady looked a little more and then approached one of the floor people: "I'm looking for a left-handed bike bell (She got it right this time yaaaaaaaaay
). I asked him (me) but he didn't have an answer for me." Actually yes I did; it just wasn't what she wanted to hear.
And then, for at least ten minutes more, she blah blah blahed to the floor person. "Yeah, I need a left-handed bike bell because my daughter's left-handed and I don't think any of yours would work for her. Oh, and do you have swimming pools out? I want to buy her a swimming pool too. I was going to last year but I forgot and by the time I finally got around to it they were all gone! Oh well, that's what I get for procrastinating I guess. Oh, you don't have pools right now? Well then I'll look at these waterslides. Oh, this one looks like fun but I have a question. Does the hose--I assume you fill it up with a hose--shut off automatically when the pool at the end of the slide is full? Would it turn itself back on once water starts splashing out of the pool? Because I would want to keep the pool filled but not have the hose running all the time so that the water just soaks into my lawn, water's expensive you know! I hope you'll have your pools in soon because I don't want to go to Wal-Mart for it. That store's terrible. You have much nicer products and friendlier people working here. That's why I didn't get the pool from Wal_mart last year even though I probably could have....."
And then finally she left, leaving my co-worker to roll her eyes at me as I made the spinning-finger-at-temple "crazy person" sign and ask me "I thought she'd never shut up!"
Le sigh. Why must they always find me?
Crazy Hat Lady is never seen without her black hat and dark gray trenchcoat. She likes to hang around in toys and sporting goods to find items to spoil her daughter (or is that granddaughter? The story changes) with.
And dear God, that mouth of hers doesn't stop once it gets started. She'll talk your ear off about anything that springs to her mind until you want to lure her over to domestics and smother her with a pillow.
So today I saw her approaching and tried to make myself look busy so she wouldn't come up to me with a question or to strike up a conversation. No such luck.
"Excuse me, where are the bell bikes at?" Yes, she said "bell bikes." What she meant was bike bells. I escorted her over to the bike supplies, where we discovered bike bells of several different varieties. She seemed satisfied, so I went back to work stocking sporting goods while she spent the next ten minutes or so ringing the bike bells and annoying the royal shit out of me.
And then: "Excuse me, do you have any bell bikes (AGAIN
) that are specifically built for left-handed people? You see, my daughter is left-handed and all these bells seem built for somebody right-handed." Somehow, this sounds like she's asking for the bicycling equivalent of the left-handed screwdriver to me, but I could be wrong. It seemed to me that the bell could be suitably adapted for a southpaw simply by mounting it on the left handlebar. I didn't mention this to her. I just told what we had was what we had, and that I didn't know there were left-handed bike bells, but that could be because I never had to look for one.Crazy Hat Lady looked a little more and then approached one of the floor people: "I'm looking for a left-handed bike bell (She got it right this time yaaaaaaaaay
). I asked him (me) but he didn't have an answer for me." Actually yes I did; it just wasn't what she wanted to hear.And then, for at least ten minutes more, she blah blah blahed to the floor person. "Yeah, I need a left-handed bike bell because my daughter's left-handed and I don't think any of yours would work for her. Oh, and do you have swimming pools out? I want to buy her a swimming pool too. I was going to last year but I forgot and by the time I finally got around to it they were all gone! Oh well, that's what I get for procrastinating I guess. Oh, you don't have pools right now? Well then I'll look at these waterslides. Oh, this one looks like fun but I have a question. Does the hose--I assume you fill it up with a hose--shut off automatically when the pool at the end of the slide is full? Would it turn itself back on once water starts splashing out of the pool? Because I would want to keep the pool filled but not have the hose running all the time so that the water just soaks into my lawn, water's expensive you know! I hope you'll have your pools in soon because I don't want to go to Wal-Mart for it. That store's terrible. You have much nicer products and friendlier people working here. That's why I didn't get the pool from Wal_mart last year even though I probably could have....."
And then finally she left, leaving my co-worker to roll her eyes at me as I made the spinning-finger-at-temple "crazy person" sign and ask me "I thought she'd never shut up!"
Le sigh. Why must they always find me?
, the button can be pushed around to any position. 
)
If you wanted to gripe about something dumb, I could give you some much better reasons
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