Stupid Tourist Customer Questions

[Jester]

Ah, New Jersey. Hated so much, yet one of the hugest tourist states. If you are going to make fun of my state, STAY THE HELL OUT! No beach for you!

I half agree with you. I agree that anyone who has not lived in New Jersey has absolutely no right to make fun of the place.
I lived there for five miserable, horrible years.
Yes, I make fun of the place.
Incessantly.
Feel free to ask about any of my New Jersey jokes. I have several.

When at Pike Place Market, I was once actually asked "Does this place have a McDonalds?" You're standing in the middle of what is essentially a wetter version of a Turkish bazaar. There are three men behind you juggling halibut.

Sad that people would ask for a McDonald’s in that fine place up there. I have been to Pike Place Market several times, when I was 17 and again when I was 29. Not only did I hear the best rendition of “Locomotive Breath” ever, performed by two guys with guitars in a stairwell there (and yes, it WAS better than Tull!), but it is also the place where I purchased my very first magic trick. To this day, that trick is the favorite of just about every child I have ever performed for. No matter what amazing things I do with cards, they want to see That Trick! I do hope that awesome little magic shop is still there.

That's funny! I've heard that before. Or, the ones that move into a development that is next to the highway and then complain about the noise!

We get similar idiots here. People will come to Key West, love Key West, move down to Key West, and get a place right on Duval Street, right in the heart of downtown….and then go about complaining about the noise and the partiers and the revelers. Um, didn’t you notice them when you were visiting, you moron? And if you did, as you couldn’t have really missed them, why the flying hell did you move to a place right in the heart of all of that?

[Gravekeeper]

I've gotten this once from a deep south American caller:

"Where are you guys located?"
"Vancouver, British Columbia"
"Oh wow, all the way over in Europe?"

(sigh). -.-

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Actually, if you want to talk about a Cowboy-Indian rivalry, it should be Dallas and Washington DC (Redskins). That is more intense than the Cowboys-Cheifs rivalry.

So Kristen shot JR? I'll remember that next time someone asks.

Yep, SueEllen's sister, who was later found drowned in a pool. Can't recall who did her in.

But she did have an illegitimate child, that was unwittingly adopted by Bobby and Pamela (J.R's brother and sister in law.) I think that child was fathered by J. R.

And J.R's son was actually fathered by Cliff Barnes (Pamela's brother.) Damn near incestuous if you ask me.

I know, I watched WAY too much tv as a kid

[Casino Jockey]

Correct me if I'm wrong but don't they get pretty deep into the suburbs? I seem to remember something on TV about there being a drought in some part of Australia and the kangaroos were tearing up golf courses looking for water.

they can come into the (usully outer) suburbs if they are desperate for food or water but they mostly are in the rual areas

A Looooong time ago I visited Geraldton (A small town on the west coast) and a large number of normal family sedans had big ass reenforced front bumpers. I way told by the locals that Kangaroos are nocturnal and will jump into the road and really mess up your car.

Of course they could have been yanking my chain.

i'll tell you a story about this. one night i was a passenger in a car driving back to my house. to get to my house we had to past an area with a few jails (youth jail, mens jail, womans jail and psyciatric insitiution) so theres alot of open land there. it's about 11pm and we are diving past when this roo comes out of nowhere and we hit it.. couldn't help it. the roo was about 6 foot high, got up and bounded off like it was OK but i tell you the car i was in wasn't. the whole front end needed to be rebuilt.

[HalloranElder]

A Looooong time ago I visited Geraldton (A small town on the west coast) and a large number of normal family sedans had big ass reenforced front bumpers. I way told by the locals that Kangaroos are nocturnal and will jump into the road and really mess up your car.

Of course they could have been yanking my chain.

No, they weren't yanking your chain.

Kangaroo's aren't really nocturnal, but in the summer they will tend to be their most active when it's the coolest. As a result they do most of their moving during the few hours around dawn and the few hours around dusk, ie when it's the hardest to see.

Those "big ass reinforced front bumpers" are commonly called bull-bars or roo-bars, and are wonderful at saving life and vehicles. There are two main types. Firstly there is the "crumple" type, who's sole purpose is to crumple when the animal in question hits it, allowing more of the kinetic energy to be dissipated and less of it to actually get into the passenger cabin.

The second type is the "deflection" type. These are bigger and stronger than the crumple type, and are in a lot of cases illegal, but used anyway. These types actually are strong enough to withstand a hit and deflect the animal away. The ones that are slanted down a bit are illegal, because that means the animal will be deflected forward and down, meaning that it will end up getting run over by the vehicle. Not so much of a problem with the animal, but is a problem when you hit a pedestrian, hence why they are illegal.

However, any of the true bushies will have the second type, angled downwards, because they will on average hit a roo or emu a couple times a year, and never hit a pedestrian.

There are two things worse than kangaroo's for hitting in a car. The first is the emu. Why? Cause emus are DUMB!

Driving back from visiting my parents in outback Queensland one day (only a 6 hour drive at an average speed of 110km/h) and I saw two emus up ahead. I immediately slowed right down so that I was only going about 20km/h by the time I was up to them. They crossed the road in front of me and were on the other side of the road, about 3/4 of the way across when they finally notice me. They immediately panic and run away back the way they came. The first one ran in front of my car, the second one ran into the side of my car, leaving a humongous dint in it and then kept on running. Dumb birds.

The worst Australian animal to hit in a car? It has to be the wombat. Why? because they are solid and stubborn. If a car hits a wombat, it's likely to write-off the car and annoy the wombat. That's it.

Australia, what fun!

[SonOfSpam]

3). British tourist: There are lots of churches here and that's scary. All you religious people are BACKWARDS!

GO. HOME.

Hahahaha! Couldn't have said it better myself

[friendofjimmyk]

Ah Cleveland...the Mistake by the Lake, the place where rivers burn, etc...

Yeah, Cleveland has a lake that's erie, and a tower that's terminal...

However, I do believe that Detroit is now known as the Mistake by the Lake...and the Cuyahoga hasn't caught on fire in years!

[friendofjimmyk]

We get similar idiots here. People will come to Key West, love Key West, move down to Key West, and get a place right on Duval Street, right in the heart of downtown….and then go about complaining about the noise and the partiers and the revelers. Um, didn’t you notice them when you were visiting, you moron? And if you did, as you couldn’t have really missed them, why the flying hell did you move to a place right in the heart of all of that?

I bet those are the SAME folks who moved from a development next to the highway!

[tacohuman]

Texan: "Where you from?"
Me: "Cleveland."
Texan: "What part of Texas is that in?"

it's on us highway 59, just north of houston.

http://www.clevelandtexas.com/

[repsac]

Hmm. We get some doozies down here. A few of these are old ones that may require a bit of explaining. In every case, insert a Yankee accent.
My thoughts in ()'s

1. Wow. You actually drive on the same side of the road as we do. (Yes we do, now may I see your passport?)

2. you actually have Wal-Mart down here? (Considering it was founded in Arkansas, you have to ask this?)

3. Do you own slaves? (No, want to become my first?)

4. Why does it only snow in the fields? (Uh, those are cotton fields. That's not snow, don't eat it.)

5. Can I get some Gin here? (Asked inside a cotton gin, which for the record turns raw cotton fibers into cotton yarn. Your answer is no.)

6. Do you hate Yankees? (Only the stupid ones)

7. I heard there are sharks in the river. That's just something you tell the tourists right? (Why don't you jump in and find out? And for the record, YES there are sharks in the Mississippi river. I think the furthest they've been known to go was Natchez)

8. What does Mississippi mean? (Tourist Trap for stupid Yankee.) *Note: asked beside a large sign stating what Mississippi means.

9. Were you born in the south? (Gee. What gave me away? Perhaps the drawl, the fact that I'm working down here, or that you just asked me directions to a place only a local would know about and I used landmarks like Bill's barn to direct you?)

10. Can I get a BEAGLE and cream cheese? (Yes, but I think the beagle will eat the cream cheese before you do. Wouldn't you rather a bagel?

[TYFSOK]

I would like to point out that since I moved to Japan, the stupid questions go both ways. This is a summary of several conversations I've had w. folks back in the states:

"Are you allowed to wear western clothes at work, or do you have to wear kimonos?"
Hm. Not only do I have to wear kimono, I have to shave most of my head and wear a topknot. And I couldn't make it to work yesterday, because there was a ninja attack along the route and I had left my katana at home.

[after seeing an ad for am/pm in the Tokyo Dome during the MLB Japan tour] "Wow, you have convenience stores in Japan?"
We also have running water.

"Man, it must be hard to speak Chinese all the time!"
Huh? It's Japanese...I live in Japan.
"Japanese, Chinese...it's all the same, right?"
What?!
"Japanese people and Chinese people speak the same language. They're the same culture, after all."
...Okay. I dare you to walk through Tokyo and tell people that. Beijing would work as well. I'll cut you in on half the profits of the video sales, minus your hospital bill.

"It must be so pretty to see people walking around in kimonos all the time!"
Didn't we just have this conversation? Have you ever SEEN a picture of Tokyo?

"Oh, yeah, Tokyo -- how often do you get to Tokyo?"
Not very often. It's a four hour train ride, or a $200 round trip plane ticket.
"Oh, come on. Japan isn't THAT big.
*I shake my head in despair*

[BlakeMP]

Then there are people who come to Pittsburgh...and are surprised. Why? Well, quite a few people think that the steel mills are still here, belching out huge black clouds and covering up the skyline. Uh, last I heard, most of that went away after WWII. Before then, the skies would be pitch black...even at noon because of the pollution. 60 years on, a few outsiders still believe that...even though *every* sporting event usually shows a few shots of the skyline on TV

One of the stupidest things I've ever heard a tourist say was when I was a tourist myself in Pittsburgh. (My girlfriend lives there, I was visiting her.) She took me to the Duquene Incline, which -- for those of you not from PA -- is a really beautiful spot overlooking Three River Point, where two rivers merge into one. In the station at the top of the incline, there is an exhibit of old photographs and newspaper articles about the Point over the years. My girlfriend and I were looking at this display when a teenage couple walked into the room and began staring at the old photos. Then she turned to her boyfriend and said, in all seriousness, "They had bridges in the 1800s?"

My girlfriend and I looked at each other and, in unison, without a word, walked out of the room to keep from laughing in her face.

[Tito]

5). Northerner: I'd rather kill myself than have an accent like yours.

Words fail me.

Sounds to me like that would have been no big loss.

[Mark Healey]

Fortunately when we have to deal with tourists it's of the smarter variety (being a bookstore). The problem is that they never believe what the travel guide says. IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA YOU NEED TO RENT A CAR.

European tourists are the worst. They complain about the inadaquacy of public transportation, the fact that it is full of indigents/crazies, or the price.

The majority of the city was built after the war when everybody could affort a car so it is very spread out.

Another consequence of this is that there is verry little significant architecture (unless you like googie and even most of that has been torn down). A Blue Guide to San Diego could fit on one side of a letter/A4 sheet of paper.

Another thing. If you are coming for sunshine don't come in the early summer. There is always a marine layer we call the May Grey/June Gloom.

[marder]

American friend visiting Switzerland.

AF : I wanted to buy some chocolate, but the shop refused my Euros.
Me : Well, the currency in Switzerland is the Franc...
AF : But we are in Europe, they HAVE to accept my Euros !!!
Me : What do you think would happen if you tried to pay with australian Dollars in the US ?
AF : (had to change all his Euros to Swiss Francs, so paid twice a change commission)