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Let Me Taste Your Tears
My slow erosion into complete evil continues... ><
Paint It Black
Me: “Alright, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “Ok, what size?”
SC: “2XL”
Me: “Ok, anything else?”
SC: “In black.”
Yes, it only comes in black. So that's a given. You don’t need to clarify your selection.
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “Ok, anything else?”
SC: “uhhh…in black.”
……yes, that only comes in black too. There is no other option. I feel as if you’re underestimating me to some degree here. If you present me with a dilemma, to which there is only a single solution than I will naturally select that option. Because there is no other choice. Perhaps this narrow selection would simply enrage you and prompt you to begin beating the ground with your meaty ape fists. I, however, would simply make the logical choice and move on.
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “Ok, anything else?”
SC: “uhhhh….black.”
Yes, it’s black. Only black. They’re ALL ONLY BLACK. EVERYTHING YOU’VE ORDERED IS BLACK. I don’t know if this is some sort of desperate cry for help, but it’s all black. There are no other options. Regardless of what you choose your only choice is darkness. This catalog is nothing but a bleak window into the emptiness of your soul and your selections reflect little more than your subconscious cries of sadness and despair.
Ooooor you think black will make you look cool so that you may impress the ladies. All 2 of them in the village who aren’t directly related to you somehow. Of which one of them is still your god mother and the other is just the lone RCMP officer that was assigned there as a disciplinary measure after she beat a man half to death for feeling her up at a traffic stop.
Good luck, Romeo.
Why, yes
SC: “Are you the answering machine?”
No, no I am not. I am a living, breathing, somewhat functional human being with real thoughts and emotions. Although, I will concede that like an answering machine, I am a soulless automaton. However, if I continue to work hard and do my best in the customer service industry than one day I may become a real boy.
Its Haunting Me ><
( For reference, all Skytrains are and always have been white ).
Ok….I must ask. But what is with that black Skytrain at Stadium station? That….black chariot has been there for 2 weeks now. It just sits there on the 3rd track with its red lights flashing. Flashing….flashing……as if signaling the impending end of our world as we know it. It’s there at night when I come in and it’s still there in the morning when I go back. It never moves. It just sits there…….watching me.
Where did it come from? Why is it here? Did Translink really sit around going “You know, our Skytrains are great and all, but we don’t have a Skytrain that emits an overwhelming sense of dread and foreboding when it pulls up to the station. Our riders really need to learn the true meaning of fear. I know! Lets paint one black with flashing red lights!”
Wait…….you guys can see it right? I’m not the only one, am I? Oh please don’t let me be haunted by the Phantom Train. There’s no way I can beat it by myself, I don’t even Cyan or Sabin in my party.
So Lonely, Billy
( GK being where my first name would go. -.- )
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yeah, whom am I speaking to?”
Me: “This is GK. Do you have your customer ID number?"
SC: “Your name is GK? Maybe yer gonna be lucky for this GK!”
…..Right, ok, just a few points I’d like to cover here before we proceed:
#1: I hate you already.
There are few things you can do at the first of the call that can more rapidly evaporate your welcome than cracking a lame joke. I’ve covered this time and time again, do not joke with us. You aren’t funny and trust me when I say we have probably already heard your joke, or some variation of it, countless times before. You just. Aren’t. Funny. At all. Period. You only think you’re funny because your friends and family humour you since they're afraid if they don't you'll climb onto the roof with a shotgun again like last time.
#2 We share no bond.
“GK” is one of the most popular boy’s names in the world. The existence of two at any given moment is not unique, surprising or even remotely uncommon. I have never, ever, worked at or gone to school at place where there was not at least one other GK present. So trust me when I say there is no kinship between us. Quite the opposite. You’re the reason I’ve gone my entire life being called “<lastname>”.
#3 Um….just, no.
In all blunt honesty you have a better chance of being slain by an errant meteor strike while masturbating in the restroom of a KFC than you do of getting “Lucky” with me.
Me: “Which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “VISA”
Me: “Ok, and the card number please?”
SC: “Oh no, now wait a sec I wanna ask questions here”
Oh joy. Very well, if you must.
Me: “Alright”
SC: “If I ordered tickets before they're in for all draws, right?
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “But these will only be in for?”
Me: “These will only go in for the last draw.”
SC: “Ok, now, what the hell do you do with 3 cars?”
….you….only get to choose one of the three actually. Hence "Your choice of one of 3 luxury vehicles".
“Can you take cash? Or do I have to get a car?"
“There is a cash option.”
“Well it’s not in the advertising at all!”
Yes, yes it is, actually. Hence where it says “or take a cash prize equivalent" in giant bold red letters.
SC: "How much is each worth than? I mean you’d want to pick the most expensive one than right?”
I…what? The cash option is the same for all 3 and all 3 vehicles are in the same price range. What the hell are you even talking about?
SC: “I mean I’d rather a nice coup than an SUV or maybe a truck. I mean a nice truck I could drive downtown or out to the ocean."
That’s very nice, but who the fuck cares? I am here to accept orders and answer any inquires you may have about said orders. Anything that falls outside of that realm, such as your opinion is beyond the list of acceptable topics and merely wasting my time and patience.
Me: “Ok, which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “Can I ask something else? Ok, uh, doesn’t matter anyhow.”
Finally, we agree on something.
SC: “I already bout 8 tickets. But you didn't get as many draws a few years ago. Now there's so many draws all you have to do is buy 1 or 2. Because you only need one to win, right?”
Wait, what? Are we still doing this? Yes, you only need one to win. Yet as you’ve started you’ve already purchased like $400 worth of tickets are about to purchase $100 more. So obviously your own wisdom is being lost on you.
SC: “You know, just like the lottery. Like that guy that won 10 million? Did you hear about that? Just came to the country. Him and his wife were watching TV. Than he said: Think I’ll go for a walk-“
….I don’t care. Please stop.
Me: “Yes, well. What credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “Yeah, VISA, but anyhow. He had only been in Canada for 10 months he said, and he won with the only ticket he bought, won 10 million, you know about that?”
Me: “…no, can I please have the card number?”
SC: “Well, now you know.”
If you say “and knowing is half the battle” I *will* come to your house and I *will* punch you in the penis.
Me: "Right, can I please have the c-"
SC: “LET ME FINISH! So than he said this Canada good place!”
Dammit, how fucking lonely are you!?! Leave me alone! If you’re this god damn desperate for company you could take a quick swing around east Van and find someone far more willing and able for $100 than I am.
Argh!
SC: “What’s your name?”
Me: “GK”
SC: “Oh, so your GK too!”
See? SEE?!? I swear, I’m going to change my name to something more appropriate. Like Maleficent.
Multiple Choice
Me: “Ok, are you calling from Canada or the US?”
SC: “I’m calling from my home.”
Me: “Ok….is your home in the US or Canada?”
SC: “Oh, the US.”
We try to make it simple. There is only two options. Two choices. Two selections. Only two. You only have to pick one or the other. It’s not that complicated. Yet, sadly, it still seems to have perplexed you. I have gone to you and asked “Would you like what’s behind Door #1 or Door #2” and you have replied “The couch”.
Well....yes
( This is an international company... )
SC: "Where are you guys located? Are you in the city?”
Er….well, I suppose technically we are as we are in A city. He didn’t specify what city. So I assume any large urban collective will do. So as stupid a statement as that is, I suppose the correct answer is still “Yes.”
....
SC: “I can barely hear you!”
Me: “Oh, sorry…….there, is that any better?”
SC: “No….oh, wait, let me put the phone to my ear. There! That helps."
…yes, yes it does. What the heck were you holding it to begin with? Wait, no, don’t answer that. I don’t really want to know.
<sob>
So, sure enough, right after I got off shift yesterday and headed home, the Phantom Train was gone. No where to be seen. Now I do look insane. I swear it was there. It was REAL. You have to believe me! Now I’m like that kid at the first of every horror movie that sees the monster and draws a really bad picture of it, but no one believes him. So now it’s going to go on to a string of random brutal murders throughout the city until one of the main characters finally witnesses it and realizes I was right all along.
I Hate It When They Do This
Me: “Good morning, can I help you?
SC: “Service call, Emergency service call”
Me: “Pardon?”
10-4, it’s a phone, not a CB radio, over. You twit, over.
SC:“EMERGENCY SERVICE CALL PLEASE!!!!”
Me: “For what product?”
SC: “What?”
Me: “For what product?”
SC: “For what PRODUCT?!”
Yes…er, very good, you can parrot a 3 word sentence? Though I don’t recall saying it with that amount of disgust and contempt…..
SC: “How bout you just go by my phone number”
Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t pull it up like that, you’re calling afterhou-“
SC: “Unfortunately, you CAN, let’s go now. Hurry up.”
....I have a feeling we are not going to get along, you and I. We are just too different. Like fire and water, Tom and Jerry, reason and complete cockswine. Just because you want it to be true does not mean I will suddenly gain the abilities you’re demanding of me.
Me: “I can’t pull it up l-“
SC: “FINE!! JESUS! <product we don't handle> just put in <product we don't handle>"
Me: “We don't support <product>....are you calling from the US?"
SC: “YES!!!!!"
Ahhh, it all makes sense now. You see, we're the Canadian office. One moment, let me get you the right number you should have called in the first place, cockswine.
Oh, and before you go all hog rage on them, they can't pull you up by phone number either and will ask you the exact some questions I did. So try to actually have the information ready this time, mmkay?
Oh God
“Someone took a dump in the elevator”
Allllrighty than. I’m not even sure what to say to that. It certainly doesn’t qualify as an emergency, but at the same time the sanctity of the elevator has indeed been violated and I do feel compelled to instigate some sort of…er……fecal exorcism. Lest it remain there all night and….um….grow in…power.
I need a young janitor and an old janitor.
Nice Try
You know, the charge “Flight from police” should really just be changed to the more accurate “Mobile Criminal Stupidity”. I mean really, where do you think you’re going to go? They have cars, guns, dogs and a helicopter. You have what? A tricked out Toyota Tercel and shorts you have to hold up to run properly in?
And you think you can outrun a helicopter? You can't even walk a straight line without looking like you shit yourself.
They're Back From Vacation
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: “Ok, what is your name please?”
SC: “Hello?”
Me: “Can I have your name please?”
SC: “Huh?! Uh, Darryl."
( Obviously changed to protect the not so innocent. )
Me: “How do you spell your first name?”
SC: “DAR-ELL…..…D-R………….uh, don’t know how to spell it…?”
Oh man. I don’t even know where to start with this. Dude, you can’t spell your own name? That’s a level of failure even I, in my near limitless wisdom, wasn’t actually aware existed. Just when I thought I’d seen rock bottom on this line, along comes an even more intrepid adventure to dive just a little bit deeper into the black depths of idiocy.
Seriously, dude. It’s your name. Isn’t that the very first thing you learn how to spell in Kindergarten? It was the first thing I learned how to spell.
Me: “No, can you spell it for me please?”
SC: “Uhhh….D-A-R-N-E-L-Y?”
I….don’t think that’s right. But whatever, if it gets this call over faster I’m all for it.
Me: “Ok, and your phone number please?”
SC: “Huh!?”
Me: "Your phone number please?"
SC: “555-xxxx"
Me: “Ok, and the area code?”
SC: “Arr code?”
Applicable only to pirates I assume.
Me: “…pardon?”
SC: “Huh?!”
Me: “Can I have the area code please?”
SC: “Whats dat?”
Me: “The first 3 digits of your phone number?”
SC: “555”
Me: “No, the 3 before that”
SC: “uuuuuhhhh……444?”
Me: “Ok, and your postal code please?”
SC: “huh….postal code?”
Me: “Yes, can I have your postal please?”
SC: “uhhhh…..<name of town>”
Me: “Ok, but what’s the postal code please?”
SC: “Whats postal code?”
This is going to be a long, long call, isn’t it?
Me: “There should be a postal code for the area”
SC: “uuuh….postal code….”
Me: “Yes. Do you not know the postal code?”
SC: “Uuuuhhhh…..XXX?”
Me: “Yes…..?”
SC: “xxx?”
Me: “Alright”
Yay~ we finally figured out who the hell he is and where he lives! And it only took the first 5 minutes of the call!
Me: “Ok, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Huh?”
I’m really beginning to hate that….noise.
Me: “What would you like to order?
SC: "Uh…..Rocawear”
That’s not an item. That’s a brand name. A brand name that covers approximately 54 items in our catalog. Including some of our greatest past highlights such as the neon pink butt print jeans. Truly, there are some spectacular and desirable items contained within, however, I doubt you want all 54 of them. Though I’m sure you would look rather darling with the baby pink satchel purse with baby blue satin lining.
Me: “Ok, will this be by credit card or by COD?”
SC: “Huh?!”
Me: “By credit card or COD?”
SC: “Money order”
Why do I even try?. Sure, what the hell. I’ll send it by COD, than you can go down to the post office, get a money order and than use the money order to pay for the COD at the post office.
Rocky Mountain
Me: “Ok, and your first name please?”
SC: “Sarah <giggle>”
Me: “and your last name please?”
SC: “Roysono <giggle>”
Me: “Can you spell it for me please?”
SC: “Roysono!”
Merely repeating it with more emphasis does in no way unravel the mystery of its spelling. Now, I realize, based on past experience, that even spelling your own name can be overtly difficult for some of you. But honestly, we’re going to ask this question every time and we’re not going to let you just sneak by. So you may as well give up, bust out the crayons, macaroni and construction paper and put in however many hours of training required for you to obtain this fundamental skill.
Me: “Ok, and your phone number please?”
SC: “xxx-xxxx.”
Me: “What’s the area code for the phone number?”
SC: “Huh!?”
Ugh…that word again. How I loathe that word. Though calling it a word is being overly generous. It’s more like a primal moose like grunt of confusion and alarm.
Me: “The area code for the phone number?”
SC: “Huh….whats that?”
Me: “The first 3 digits?”
SC: “Uh….xxx?”
Me: “Thank you.”
See! You’re learning already!
Me: “Ok, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Huh!?”
….<twitch>
Me: “What would you like to order?”
SC: “xxxx. MP3 glass <giggle>”
Oh lordly, here we go. Giggles wants a $700 pair of sunglasses with inbuilt MP3 player. Being shipped out to a place that probably doesn’t even have indoor plumbing. I’m not all together convinced you aren’t feverishly turning a crank with your free hand just to power the phone. Yet you want MP3 sunglasses? To do what with? You realize that even though it says they play music, you have to provide the music, right? In MP3 format? You know? Computers and blinky things and what not?
I know it says you can transfer music from Mac and Windows, but its referring to a computer. It doesn’t mean it plays music when you have a window seat at McDonalds. You need a computer.
But That Trick Never Works
Me: "Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yeah!”
Oh, hello again Sarah. Did you realize you have no idea what an MP3 is and decided to call back to cancel?
Me: “Ok, and your name please?”
SC: “Nadine <giggle>”
H….wait, what? Nadine….
Me: “and your last name please?”
SC: “Roysono <giggle>”
……I’m beginning to suspect you’re jesting with me, Giggles. Tread softly from here on, lest I slay your requisition attempt.
Me: “Ok, and your number please?”
SC: “xxx-xxx-xxxx”
Same number….
Me: “and the address?”
SC: “xxx xxx <giggle>”
Same address…
Me: “and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Huh!?”
Same bull moose like confused howl.
Me: “What would you like to order?”
SC: “Uuuhhh, xxxx <giggle>”
Me: “xxxx?”
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: “What size?”
SC: “Umm….medium…..<giggles>…heheheheh! <click>”
Right. Pardon me while I go back and cancel your MP3 glasses as well. I’m not about to send out an $700 order to the middle of nowhere that’ll likely end up right back on our doorstep 2 weeks later. Just because you thought it’d be funny to huff paint and order the most expensive things in the catalog.
Well, yes.
Me: “Good morning, customer service. How may I help you?”
SC: “Hello! Do you speak English?”
No, just Swahili mainly.
LET ME TASTE THEM
SC: “I just got off parole 3 months ago and now I’m in for DUI!”
Umm….way to go? Have a cookie? Not sure how you want me to respond to that. Was that a sympathy attempt? Because you’ll have to try much much harder than that. All I heard was “Hello, my good man! I am stupid and endangered the lives of others! Can you help me?”.
Me: “Hmm, ok, doesn’t look like <his laywer> is still up-“
SC: “Than what do I do!?”
Are you…..are you crying?
Me: “Well, is there a phone number there?”
SC: “No!”
Me: “Do you know where you’re being held?”
SC: "I don’t know!!”
You ARE! HahahahhaHAHA! Er….wait, wait, Gravekeeper. Back up a moment. You’re laughing at the tears of another human being. That’s heartless and cruel. But…well, he is in for DUI which means he’s a total fuckbush and could have killed someone…..hmmm……what to do…..what to do....
Oh, the heck with it. Hahahaha!
Sigh, I'm going to Hell.....but I'm going with a smile on my face.
annnnd rest.
Paint It Black
Me: “Alright, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “Ok, what size?”
SC: “2XL”
Me: “Ok, anything else?”
SC: “In black.”
Yes, it only comes in black. So that's a given. You don’t need to clarify your selection.
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “Ok, anything else?”
SC: “uhhh…in black.”
……yes, that only comes in black too. There is no other option. I feel as if you’re underestimating me to some degree here. If you present me with a dilemma, to which there is only a single solution than I will naturally select that option. Because there is no other choice. Perhaps this narrow selection would simply enrage you and prompt you to begin beating the ground with your meaty ape fists. I, however, would simply make the logical choice and move on.
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “Ok, anything else?”
SC: “uhhhh….black.”
Yes, it’s black. Only black. They’re ALL ONLY BLACK. EVERYTHING YOU’VE ORDERED IS BLACK. I don’t know if this is some sort of desperate cry for help, but it’s all black. There are no other options. Regardless of what you choose your only choice is darkness. This catalog is nothing but a bleak window into the emptiness of your soul and your selections reflect little more than your subconscious cries of sadness and despair.
Ooooor you think black will make you look cool so that you may impress the ladies. All 2 of them in the village who aren’t directly related to you somehow. Of which one of them is still your god mother and the other is just the lone RCMP officer that was assigned there as a disciplinary measure after she beat a man half to death for feeling her up at a traffic stop.
Good luck, Romeo.
Why, yes
SC: “Are you the answering machine?”
No, no I am not. I am a living, breathing, somewhat functional human being with real thoughts and emotions. Although, I will concede that like an answering machine, I am a soulless automaton. However, if I continue to work hard and do my best in the customer service industry than one day I may become a real boy.
Its Haunting Me ><
( For reference, all Skytrains are and always have been white ).
Ok….I must ask. But what is with that black Skytrain at Stadium station? That….black chariot has been there for 2 weeks now. It just sits there on the 3rd track with its red lights flashing. Flashing….flashing……as if signaling the impending end of our world as we know it. It’s there at night when I come in and it’s still there in the morning when I go back. It never moves. It just sits there…….watching me.
Where did it come from? Why is it here? Did Translink really sit around going “You know, our Skytrains are great and all, but we don’t have a Skytrain that emits an overwhelming sense of dread and foreboding when it pulls up to the station. Our riders really need to learn the true meaning of fear. I know! Lets paint one black with flashing red lights!”
Wait…….you guys can see it right? I’m not the only one, am I? Oh please don’t let me be haunted by the Phantom Train. There’s no way I can beat it by myself, I don’t even Cyan or Sabin in my party.
So Lonely, Billy
( GK being where my first name would go. -.- )
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yeah, whom am I speaking to?”
Me: “This is GK. Do you have your customer ID number?"
SC: “Your name is GK? Maybe yer gonna be lucky for this GK!”
…..Right, ok, just a few points I’d like to cover here before we proceed:
#1: I hate you already.
There are few things you can do at the first of the call that can more rapidly evaporate your welcome than cracking a lame joke. I’ve covered this time and time again, do not joke with us. You aren’t funny and trust me when I say we have probably already heard your joke, or some variation of it, countless times before. You just. Aren’t. Funny. At all. Period. You only think you’re funny because your friends and family humour you since they're afraid if they don't you'll climb onto the roof with a shotgun again like last time.
#2 We share no bond.
“GK” is one of the most popular boy’s names in the world. The existence of two at any given moment is not unique, surprising or even remotely uncommon. I have never, ever, worked at or gone to school at place where there was not at least one other GK present. So trust me when I say there is no kinship between us. Quite the opposite. You’re the reason I’ve gone my entire life being called “<lastname>”.
#3 Um….just, no.
In all blunt honesty you have a better chance of being slain by an errant meteor strike while masturbating in the restroom of a KFC than you do of getting “Lucky” with me.
Me: “Which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “VISA”
Me: “Ok, and the card number please?”
SC: “Oh no, now wait a sec I wanna ask questions here”
Oh joy. Very well, if you must.
Me: “Alright”
SC: “If I ordered tickets before they're in for all draws, right?
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “But these will only be in for?”
Me: “These will only go in for the last draw.”
SC: “Ok, now, what the hell do you do with 3 cars?”
….you….only get to choose one of the three actually. Hence "Your choice of one of 3 luxury vehicles".
“Can you take cash? Or do I have to get a car?"
“There is a cash option.”
“Well it’s not in the advertising at all!”
Yes, yes it is, actually. Hence where it says “or take a cash prize equivalent" in giant bold red letters.
SC: "How much is each worth than? I mean you’d want to pick the most expensive one than right?”
I…what? The cash option is the same for all 3 and all 3 vehicles are in the same price range. What the hell are you even talking about?
SC: “I mean I’d rather a nice coup than an SUV or maybe a truck. I mean a nice truck I could drive downtown or out to the ocean."
That’s very nice, but who the fuck cares? I am here to accept orders and answer any inquires you may have about said orders. Anything that falls outside of that realm, such as your opinion is beyond the list of acceptable topics and merely wasting my time and patience.
Me: “Ok, which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “Can I ask something else? Ok, uh, doesn’t matter anyhow.”
Finally, we agree on something.
SC: “I already bout 8 tickets. But you didn't get as many draws a few years ago. Now there's so many draws all you have to do is buy 1 or 2. Because you only need one to win, right?”
Wait, what? Are we still doing this? Yes, you only need one to win. Yet as you’ve started you’ve already purchased like $400 worth of tickets are about to purchase $100 more. So obviously your own wisdom is being lost on you.
SC: “You know, just like the lottery. Like that guy that won 10 million? Did you hear about that? Just came to the country. Him and his wife were watching TV. Than he said: Think I’ll go for a walk-“
….I don’t care. Please stop.
Me: “Yes, well. What credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “Yeah, VISA, but anyhow. He had only been in Canada for 10 months he said, and he won with the only ticket he bought, won 10 million, you know about that?”
Me: “…no, can I please have the card number?”
SC: “Well, now you know.”
If you say “and knowing is half the battle” I *will* come to your house and I *will* punch you in the penis.
Me: "Right, can I please have the c-"
SC: “LET ME FINISH! So than he said this Canada good place!”
Dammit, how fucking lonely are you!?! Leave me alone! If you’re this god damn desperate for company you could take a quick swing around east Van and find someone far more willing and able for $100 than I am.
Argh!
SC: “What’s your name?”
Me: “GK”
SC: “Oh, so your GK too!”
See? SEE?!? I swear, I’m going to change my name to something more appropriate. Like Maleficent.
Multiple Choice
Me: “Ok, are you calling from Canada or the US?”
SC: “I’m calling from my home.”
Me: “Ok….is your home in the US or Canada?”
SC: “Oh, the US.”
We try to make it simple. There is only two options. Two choices. Two selections. Only two. You only have to pick one or the other. It’s not that complicated. Yet, sadly, it still seems to have perplexed you. I have gone to you and asked “Would you like what’s behind Door #1 or Door #2” and you have replied “The couch”.
Well....yes
( This is an international company... )
SC: "Where are you guys located? Are you in the city?”
Er….well, I suppose technically we are as we are in A city. He didn’t specify what city. So I assume any large urban collective will do. So as stupid a statement as that is, I suppose the correct answer is still “Yes.”
....
SC: “I can barely hear you!”
Me: “Oh, sorry…….there, is that any better?”
SC: “No….oh, wait, let me put the phone to my ear. There! That helps."
…yes, yes it does. What the heck were you holding it to begin with? Wait, no, don’t answer that. I don’t really want to know.
<sob>
So, sure enough, right after I got off shift yesterday and headed home, the Phantom Train was gone. No where to be seen. Now I do look insane. I swear it was there. It was REAL. You have to believe me! Now I’m like that kid at the first of every horror movie that sees the monster and draws a really bad picture of it, but no one believes him. So now it’s going to go on to a string of random brutal murders throughout the city until one of the main characters finally witnesses it and realizes I was right all along.
I Hate It When They Do This
Me: “Good morning, can I help you?
SC: “Service call, Emergency service call”
Me: “Pardon?”
10-4, it’s a phone, not a CB radio, over. You twit, over.
SC:“EMERGENCY SERVICE CALL PLEASE!!!!”
Me: “For what product?”
SC: “What?”
Me: “For what product?”
SC: “For what PRODUCT?!”
Yes…er, very good, you can parrot a 3 word sentence? Though I don’t recall saying it with that amount of disgust and contempt…..
SC: “How bout you just go by my phone number”
Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t pull it up like that, you’re calling afterhou-“
SC: “Unfortunately, you CAN, let’s go now. Hurry up.”
....I have a feeling we are not going to get along, you and I. We are just too different. Like fire and water, Tom and Jerry, reason and complete cockswine. Just because you want it to be true does not mean I will suddenly gain the abilities you’re demanding of me.
Me: “I can’t pull it up l-“
SC: “FINE!! JESUS! <product we don't handle> just put in <product we don't handle>"
Me: “We don't support <product>....are you calling from the US?"
SC: “YES!!!!!"
Ahhh, it all makes sense now. You see, we're the Canadian office. One moment, let me get you the right number you should have called in the first place, cockswine.
Oh, and before you go all hog rage on them, they can't pull you up by phone number either and will ask you the exact some questions I did. So try to actually have the information ready this time, mmkay?
Oh God
“Someone took a dump in the elevator”
Allllrighty than. I’m not even sure what to say to that. It certainly doesn’t qualify as an emergency, but at the same time the sanctity of the elevator has indeed been violated and I do feel compelled to instigate some sort of…er……fecal exorcism. Lest it remain there all night and….um….grow in…power.
I need a young janitor and an old janitor.
Nice Try
You know, the charge “Flight from police” should really just be changed to the more accurate “Mobile Criminal Stupidity”. I mean really, where do you think you’re going to go? They have cars, guns, dogs and a helicopter. You have what? A tricked out Toyota Tercel and shorts you have to hold up to run properly in?
And you think you can outrun a helicopter? You can't even walk a straight line without looking like you shit yourself.
They're Back From Vacation
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: “Ok, what is your name please?”
SC: “Hello?”
Me: “Can I have your name please?”
SC: “Huh?! Uh, Darryl."
( Obviously changed to protect the not so innocent. )
Me: “How do you spell your first name?”
SC: “DAR-ELL…..…D-R………….uh, don’t know how to spell it…?”
Oh man. I don’t even know where to start with this. Dude, you can’t spell your own name? That’s a level of failure even I, in my near limitless wisdom, wasn’t actually aware existed. Just when I thought I’d seen rock bottom on this line, along comes an even more intrepid adventure to dive just a little bit deeper into the black depths of idiocy.
Seriously, dude. It’s your name. Isn’t that the very first thing you learn how to spell in Kindergarten? It was the first thing I learned how to spell.
Me: “No, can you spell it for me please?”
SC: “Uhhh….D-A-R-N-E-L-Y?”
I….don’t think that’s right. But whatever, if it gets this call over faster I’m all for it.
Me: “Ok, and your phone number please?”
SC: “Huh!?”
Me: "Your phone number please?"
SC: “555-xxxx"
Me: “Ok, and the area code?”
SC: “Arr code?”
Applicable only to pirates I assume.
Me: “…pardon?”
SC: “Huh?!”
Me: “Can I have the area code please?”
SC: “Whats dat?”
Me: “The first 3 digits of your phone number?”
SC: “555”
Me: “No, the 3 before that”
SC: “uuuuuhhhh……444?”
Me: “Ok, and your postal code please?”
SC: “huh….postal code?”
Me: “Yes, can I have your postal please?”
SC: “uhhhh…..<name of town>”
Me: “Ok, but what’s the postal code please?”
SC: “Whats postal code?”
This is going to be a long, long call, isn’t it?
Me: “There should be a postal code for the area”
SC: “uuuh….postal code….”
Me: “Yes. Do you not know the postal code?”
SC: “Uuuuhhhh…..XXX?”
Me: “Yes…..?”
SC: “xxx?”
Me: “Alright”
Yay~ we finally figured out who the hell he is and where he lives! And it only took the first 5 minutes of the call!
Me: “Ok, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Huh?”
I’m really beginning to hate that….noise.
Me: “What would you like to order?
SC: "Uh…..Rocawear”
That’s not an item. That’s a brand name. A brand name that covers approximately 54 items in our catalog. Including some of our greatest past highlights such as the neon pink butt print jeans. Truly, there are some spectacular and desirable items contained within, however, I doubt you want all 54 of them. Though I’m sure you would look rather darling with the baby pink satchel purse with baby blue satin lining.
Me: “Ok, will this be by credit card or by COD?”
SC: “Huh?!”
Me: “By credit card or COD?”
SC: “Money order”
Why do I even try?. Sure, what the hell. I’ll send it by COD, than you can go down to the post office, get a money order and than use the money order to pay for the COD at the post office.
Rocky Mountain
Me: “Ok, and your first name please?”
SC: “Sarah <giggle>”
Me: “and your last name please?”
SC: “Roysono <giggle>”
Me: “Can you spell it for me please?”
SC: “Roysono!”
Merely repeating it with more emphasis does in no way unravel the mystery of its spelling. Now, I realize, based on past experience, that even spelling your own name can be overtly difficult for some of you. But honestly, we’re going to ask this question every time and we’re not going to let you just sneak by. So you may as well give up, bust out the crayons, macaroni and construction paper and put in however many hours of training required for you to obtain this fundamental skill.
Me: “Ok, and your phone number please?”
SC: “xxx-xxxx.”
Me: “What’s the area code for the phone number?”
SC: “Huh!?”
Ugh…that word again. How I loathe that word. Though calling it a word is being overly generous. It’s more like a primal moose like grunt of confusion and alarm.
Me: “The area code for the phone number?”
SC: “Huh….whats that?”
Me: “The first 3 digits?”
SC: “Uh….xxx?”
Me: “Thank you.”
See! You’re learning already!
Me: “Ok, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Huh!?”
….<twitch>
Me: “What would you like to order?”
SC: “xxxx. MP3 glass <giggle>”
Oh lordly, here we go. Giggles wants a $700 pair of sunglasses with inbuilt MP3 player. Being shipped out to a place that probably doesn’t even have indoor plumbing. I’m not all together convinced you aren’t feverishly turning a crank with your free hand just to power the phone. Yet you want MP3 sunglasses? To do what with? You realize that even though it says they play music, you have to provide the music, right? In MP3 format? You know? Computers and blinky things and what not?
I know it says you can transfer music from Mac and Windows, but its referring to a computer. It doesn’t mean it plays music when you have a window seat at McDonalds. You need a computer.
But That Trick Never Works
Me: "Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yeah!”
Oh, hello again Sarah. Did you realize you have no idea what an MP3 is and decided to call back to cancel?
Me: “Ok, and your name please?”
SC: “Nadine <giggle>”
H….wait, what? Nadine….
Me: “and your last name please?”
SC: “Roysono <giggle>”
……I’m beginning to suspect you’re jesting with me, Giggles. Tread softly from here on, lest I slay your requisition attempt.
Me: “Ok, and your number please?”
SC: “xxx-xxx-xxxx”
Same number….
Me: “and the address?”
SC: “xxx xxx <giggle>”
Same address…
Me: “and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Huh!?”
Same bull moose like confused howl.
Me: “What would you like to order?”
SC: “Uuuhhh, xxxx <giggle>”
Me: “xxxx?”
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: “What size?”
SC: “Umm….medium…..<giggles>…heheheheh! <click>”
Right. Pardon me while I go back and cancel your MP3 glasses as well. I’m not about to send out an $700 order to the middle of nowhere that’ll likely end up right back on our doorstep 2 weeks later. Just because you thought it’d be funny to huff paint and order the most expensive things in the catalog.
Well, yes.
Me: “Good morning, customer service. How may I help you?”
SC: “Hello! Do you speak English?”
No, just Swahili mainly.
LET ME TASTE THEM
SC: “I just got off parole 3 months ago and now I’m in for DUI!”
Umm….way to go? Have a cookie? Not sure how you want me to respond to that. Was that a sympathy attempt? Because you’ll have to try much much harder than that. All I heard was “Hello, my good man! I am stupid and endangered the lives of others! Can you help me?”.
Me: “Hmm, ok, doesn’t look like <his laywer> is still up-“
SC: “Than what do I do!?”
Are you…..are you crying?
Me: “Well, is there a phone number there?”
SC: “No!”
Me: “Do you know where you’re being held?”
SC: "I don’t know!!”
You ARE! HahahahhaHAHA! Er….wait, wait, Gravekeeper. Back up a moment. You’re laughing at the tears of another human being. That’s heartless and cruel. But…well, he is in for DUI which means he’s a total fuckbush and could have killed someone…..hmmm……what to do…..what to do....
Oh, the heck with it. Hahahaha!
Sigh, I'm going to Hell.....but I'm going with a smile on my face.
annnnd rest.
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