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For it came to be that this day in the year of our lord two thousand and nine that to SuckyPants door was delivered a scroll which bore upon it a bill. SuckyPants was sorely vexed for this foul document bore upon it a number, the likes of which he had never before seen.
"Alas" he did lament, "Behold this bill which does vex me with its enormous figure. Lo! How am i to pay my debt for i didst spent my hard won Sheckles upon these fine pink camo cargo pants, with which i didst vex the vision of those before me?"
And it came to pass that McElectricSuckyPants did have a wife, who though fair to behold did possess a voice which would cause the very angels to fall from the skies and the ground to split in twain ere she spoke.
This vile enchantress and her sucky husband had bore between them a son, although he was fair of visage and mild of temper he had taken his mothers voice for his own and his cries did cause the demons of hell to quail in fear and the sky to be torn asunder.
SuckyPants did show the scroll to his beloved and she fell down in a swound for so horrible was it that she could not bear to gaze upon it.
Suckypants didst decide to call someone regarding this foul document and didst find a number upon its reverse promising services for customers. And lo he did pick up the telephone and he did dial.
He was greeted by a voice beauteous and sweet. "Lo!" Thought he, "Surely this must be an angel, hearken to her silvery words, her glittering wit!" and that very moment he became determined that she would be his bride for surely this angel from on high would be able to rid him of this vile scourge called a bill.
SuckyPants did attempt to woo the angel, for so she was, but his golden words didst fall upon deaf ears. In truth the angel had been struck deaf and dumb by the voice of SuckyPants heir, so loud was the sound that her fragile angelic countenance could no longer stand the sound and she bade SuckyPants to hold for one moment.
And lo! Suckypants didst hear the music of the angels, and it was named "Happy together" by The Turtles.*
Ere long the angel did return and brought to him news that this bill which so sorely vexed him did appear to be genuine and true.
There was much gnashing of teeth and SuckyPants fair demeanour did slip for how could such blasphemy be? Then, as if borne from the very mind of the Lord SuckyPants didst see the answer. The reading! The reading must be false. So he cried unto the angel, and in her fair and wondrous voice she didst bid him to read the heathen device himself to gain another reading that his account may be fairly billed.
SuckyPants did plead with his fair lady to bring unto him the reading from the meter, however she was not swayed by his words, for she had been present and listening slyly when he was speaking unto the angel and she was most unhappy for he didst say sweet things the like of which he had never whispered unto her. And so she refused to read the metering device and didst beg him to pass the phone so that she mayst better speak to "that whore."
SuckyPants did calm his wife and quoted unto her the gospel, he then did explain to the angel that his wife was so overcome by the force of her love for the Lord that sometimes she became excitable. The angel did disregard this for it didst seem to her that SuckyPants didst mean himself when he did speak of the lord, and this didst offend her. His words were the work of the devil, for even the evil ones may quote scripture to suit their ends.
Presently a reading was obtained from the device and SuckyPants was treated to that divine music once more.
Ere soon the angel did reappear bearing news that the new reading from the heathen metering device did show that his bill was correct and that now the debt owing would become higher.
This didst cause SuckyPants to tremble with rage, he didst demand of the angel to give unto him payment options that he may better determine his finances.
The angel spake unto him and dist say that he may pay full two hundred and forty sheckles per month unto them that his debt may be cleared, or he mayst chose a prepayment meter.
"Nay!" Cried SuckyPants and his fair bride, "Nay! For they are foul devices, heathen and the work of Beelzebub!" and his bride didst wail her displeasure. "Besides, they cost more."
the angel did refute this for now the prepayment devices were a device of Holiness and did cost no more than any other metering device.
Suckypants did prostrate himself** before the angel and did plead with her for some other way of repaying this most distressing debt.
And lo the angel did take pity upon him and did inform him of a scheme upon which he may pay fewer sheckles each month, however before he could join this most wondrous scheme he must make an offering of his financial details.
This demand did begat much swearing, and SuckyPants child didst also voice his displeasure most eloquently, as only a sleep deprived infant may.
Finally SuckyPants did make the sacrifice and all was well.
But lo! The angel did return and she bore most terrible news! Though SuckyPants did have upon him no more money for he had foolishly squandered it upon a pink camo bathtub, each month Suckypants and his fair bride did earn too much to join the wonderful cult whereupon they could pay less.
This did vex SuckyPants and his companion and they both did let forth a stream of blasphemy, they did invoke the name of the Lord in terrible heathen ways. Did the angel not know that they were a pious family who wished for no more than to be able to repay this heinous debt? Here he did turn his blaspehmy upon the angel herself, his cried did reach the other angles upon the heavenly callcentre floor, and there was much mirth.
The angel grew confused, for though they proclaimed to be pious their vicious blasphemy didst show that they were minions of the lord of darkness and no other!
SuckyPants did become tired of his own blasphemy and didst demand to speak with an Archangel.
The angel didst comply with his request and transferred Suckypants to archangel Steve and then did leave her heavenly desk to find some spirits upon which to sup.
Ere long she found her way to CustomersSuck where she did find a group of most righteous people who didst offer her comfort in her time of need, and there were cookies and vodka for all, and the angel did rejoice.
Here Endeth the Suck.
---
I'm tired and a bit drunk and this amused me in my head. Hope it tickles your fancy, sorry it's so long. He was pretty tame but he kept quoting the gospel at me. Very odd.
*Not our actual hold music but does give away where i work to UK citizens.
** A girl can imagine :P
"Alas" he did lament, "Behold this bill which does vex me with its enormous figure. Lo! How am i to pay my debt for i didst spent my hard won Sheckles upon these fine pink camo cargo pants, with which i didst vex the vision of those before me?"
And it came to pass that McElectricSuckyPants did have a wife, who though fair to behold did possess a voice which would cause the very angels to fall from the skies and the ground to split in twain ere she spoke.
This vile enchantress and her sucky husband had bore between them a son, although he was fair of visage and mild of temper he had taken his mothers voice for his own and his cries did cause the demons of hell to quail in fear and the sky to be torn asunder.
SuckyPants did show the scroll to his beloved and she fell down in a swound for so horrible was it that she could not bear to gaze upon it.
Suckypants didst decide to call someone regarding this foul document and didst find a number upon its reverse promising services for customers. And lo he did pick up the telephone and he did dial.
He was greeted by a voice beauteous and sweet. "Lo!" Thought he, "Surely this must be an angel, hearken to her silvery words, her glittering wit!" and that very moment he became determined that she would be his bride for surely this angel from on high would be able to rid him of this vile scourge called a bill.
SuckyPants did attempt to woo the angel, for so she was, but his golden words didst fall upon deaf ears. In truth the angel had been struck deaf and dumb by the voice of SuckyPants heir, so loud was the sound that her fragile angelic countenance could no longer stand the sound and she bade SuckyPants to hold for one moment.
And lo! Suckypants didst hear the music of the angels, and it was named "Happy together" by The Turtles.*
Ere long the angel did return and brought to him news that this bill which so sorely vexed him did appear to be genuine and true.
There was much gnashing of teeth and SuckyPants fair demeanour did slip for how could such blasphemy be? Then, as if borne from the very mind of the Lord SuckyPants didst see the answer. The reading! The reading must be false. So he cried unto the angel, and in her fair and wondrous voice she didst bid him to read the heathen device himself to gain another reading that his account may be fairly billed.
SuckyPants did plead with his fair lady to bring unto him the reading from the meter, however she was not swayed by his words, for she had been present and listening slyly when he was speaking unto the angel and she was most unhappy for he didst say sweet things the like of which he had never whispered unto her. And so she refused to read the metering device and didst beg him to pass the phone so that she mayst better speak to "that whore."
SuckyPants did calm his wife and quoted unto her the gospel, he then did explain to the angel that his wife was so overcome by the force of her love for the Lord that sometimes she became excitable. The angel did disregard this for it didst seem to her that SuckyPants didst mean himself when he did speak of the lord, and this didst offend her. His words were the work of the devil, for even the evil ones may quote scripture to suit their ends.
Presently a reading was obtained from the device and SuckyPants was treated to that divine music once more.
Ere soon the angel did reappear bearing news that the new reading from the heathen metering device did show that his bill was correct and that now the debt owing would become higher.
This didst cause SuckyPants to tremble with rage, he didst demand of the angel to give unto him payment options that he may better determine his finances.
The angel spake unto him and dist say that he may pay full two hundred and forty sheckles per month unto them that his debt may be cleared, or he mayst chose a prepayment meter.
"Nay!" Cried SuckyPants and his fair bride, "Nay! For they are foul devices, heathen and the work of Beelzebub!" and his bride didst wail her displeasure. "Besides, they cost more."
the angel did refute this for now the prepayment devices were a device of Holiness and did cost no more than any other metering device.
Suckypants did prostrate himself** before the angel and did plead with her for some other way of repaying this most distressing debt.
And lo the angel did take pity upon him and did inform him of a scheme upon which he may pay fewer sheckles each month, however before he could join this most wondrous scheme he must make an offering of his financial details.
This demand did begat much swearing, and SuckyPants child didst also voice his displeasure most eloquently, as only a sleep deprived infant may.
Finally SuckyPants did make the sacrifice and all was well.
But lo! The angel did return and she bore most terrible news! Though SuckyPants did have upon him no more money for he had foolishly squandered it upon a pink camo bathtub, each month Suckypants and his fair bride did earn too much to join the wonderful cult whereupon they could pay less.
This did vex SuckyPants and his companion and they both did let forth a stream of blasphemy, they did invoke the name of the Lord in terrible heathen ways. Did the angel not know that they were a pious family who wished for no more than to be able to repay this heinous debt? Here he did turn his blaspehmy upon the angel herself, his cried did reach the other angles upon the heavenly callcentre floor, and there was much mirth.
The angel grew confused, for though they proclaimed to be pious their vicious blasphemy didst show that they were minions of the lord of darkness and no other!
SuckyPants did become tired of his own blasphemy and didst demand to speak with an Archangel.
The angel didst comply with his request and transferred Suckypants to archangel Steve and then did leave her heavenly desk to find some spirits upon which to sup.
Ere long she found her way to CustomersSuck where she did find a group of most righteous people who didst offer her comfort in her time of need, and there were cookies and vodka for all, and the angel did rejoice.
Here Endeth the Suck.
---
I'm tired and a bit drunk and this amused me in my head. Hope it tickles your fancy, sorry it's so long. He was pretty tame but he kept quoting the gospel at me. Very odd.
*Not our actual hold music but does give away where i work to UK citizens.
** A girl can imagine :P
to thee, dear lady, for bringing us such fine entertainment this good eve!
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