Dammit! We're a Software Company Not a Bank!

[Dips]

I know that people who work at cash registers often deal with people who have them confused with a bank that can break their large bills for them an issue. I just never thought it would happen to us with the complete lack of cash registers and all.

But I forgot that banks do much more than dispense money. They loan it too.

This doesn't happen very often but every a handful of times a year someone will call and ask if we can ship the software and they will pay us in installments.

The answer is always "no." We only issue credit to government customers and certain resellers who have supplied us with references and maintain a good payment history.

Would it be a nice thing to do? Maybe. It's not something that's in enough demand that the expense of setting it up and administering it would get us enough sales to offset the cost. We'd have to pass those costs along to everyone else with higher prices or charge usurious interest rates to recoup the cost.

That doesn't make sense just to please a half dozen or so potential customers every year.

So when we get an inquiry about installment plans we say "no." The caller expresses disappointment. I make sympathetic noises at them. We part amicably. And life goes.

But today I got a persistent one (my thoughts in italics):

Caller: Do you have a payment plan?

Me: Are you asking about setting up a credit account with us?

Caller: No.

Me: Then I'm afraid I don't understand what you're asking about.

Caller: I can't afford to pay $600. So I was wondering if I could set up a payment plant to pay a little each month until it's paid off.

Me: Do you mean that you would pay us a little each month and then we would ship to you after we have received $600, like layaway?

Caller: NO! You would ship it and I'd pay you in installments.

Really? That sounds like issuing credit to me!

Me: That would be issuing credit and I'm afraid we aren't set up to do that.

Caller: It's not credit! It's a payment plan.

Call it whatever you like, Buddy. It ain't happening.

Me: Regardless, we don't have anything like that.

Caller: How am I supposed to afford it?

Oh, great. Another one who thinks my saying "no" somehow obligates me to supply alternatives. Suppressing urge to say, "Apparently you're not supposed to afford it."

Me: We accept Visa, MasterCard and Discover.

And you can pay THEM in installments if you like.

Caller: [shouty] I'm not going to use a credit card!

Me: We also accept personal checks and money orders.

Caller: I don't have the money now! How am I supposed to afford it, huh?

And this is my problem, HOW?

Me: Perhaps you could save a little money every month and when you have enough send us a check or money order. Quite a few of our customers do that.

You know, the customers who use common sense.

Caller: [whiny] I'll never be able to save that much money in time. I really need it now.

Me: Then the best option would be to apply for a credit card or a personal loan with payment terms you can afford and use that to pay for the software.

Caller: NO! I'm not going to do that! Stop telling me to!

Me: I'm sorry, but you asked for suggestions and I was offering one.

Caller: So you're not going to do ANYTHING for me?

I've already done plenty for you, Bub. I've been keeping my thoughts to MYSELF.

Me: Are you going to be placing an order today, sir?

Caller: What?! NO!

Me: OK. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Caller: Apparently not!

Me: No problem. The price I quoted you is guaranteed for 30 days. After 30 days, it is subject to change. Thank you for calling [company] and have a great afternoon.

You wanker.

He hung up without saying good-bye. Color me heartbroken.

[Jacen]

Adobe right? Or some similar company with really cool software that costs a fortune?

Seriously through, what part of no didn't he get? The N or the O? Hmm...

Loved your comment about paying the credit card company in installments :P

[freeatlast]

That sounds alot like the customers I deal with every day. Our storage units are pretty pricey - often over $200 a month if they are stored in our warehouse. These people do not take into account when placing their initial order that this rent must be paid every month. They get several hundred dollars behind and when we call to find out when we can expect payment in full they want to play "Let's Make A Deal!" They will offer to pay $100 a month - and are extremely offended when we point out that that won't even pay one month's rent. Then they get really upset when I tell them that we would expect a percentage of the past due amount in addition to the current month's rent each month until they are caught up. Many will accuse us of trying to take food out of their children's mouths with those arrangements. That's when I will tell them that if they remain delinquent (I love that word - it really makes an issue of just how past due they are) that we will eventually place a lien on their storage unit and auction off the contents to recoup some of their debt. And then I also add that they will not be allowed to attend the auction to try to purchase their own belongings.

[CrazedClerkthe2nd]

You can blame all those store credit cards and "Don't pay until 2014" deals for this mentality. People think that every company should allow them to pay for whatever in instalments. Getting it now is apparently more imporant than paying for it now, which is funny to me as I always felt the payment was the most critical portion of the transaction.

[WhiteRose]

i actually have never had a credit card...debit card, yes, which is handy for making online purchases, but never a credit card. nor did i try to buy something i couldn't afford (on purpose). If I didn't have enough money i didnt get it, simple as that. although i have had employees offer me change out of their own pockets if i didn't have enough...but that's them being nice...

[Andara Bledin]

i actually have never had a credit card...debit card, yes, which is handy for making online purchases, but never a credit card. nor did i try to buy something i couldn't afford (on purpose). If I didn't have enough money i didnt get it, simple as that. although i have had employees offer me change out of their own pockets if i didn't have enough...but that's them being nice...

Get one.

If you plan to ever buy a new car or a house and you want to be able to get a loan, get a credit card and make purchases with it.

I can't tell you how annoying it is to have over 700 rating and being denied just about everything (or paying a substantially higher rate) just because I don't have any revolving credit accounts. >.<

^-.-^

[Dips]

Adobe right? Or some similar company with really cool software that costs a fortune?

We're more of a Mom and Pop type of operation. We have, let's see [counts on fingers] 12 employees. Our world headquarters share walls with a dentist on one side and a real estate agency on the other.

And what makes the guy's whining more ridiculous is that there IS freeware that does the same basic thing as our software.

Of course it's hard to use, doesn't have accurate output and doesn't have any tech support. But it's a perfectly acceptable alternative to use if our program is too expensive. As long as you're willing to do the extra work of figuring it out and manually editing the output.

[HawaiianShirts]

Me: That would be issuing credit and I'm afraid we aren't set up to do that.

Caller: It's not credit! It's a payment plan.

Call it whatever you like, Buddy. It ain't happening.

Me: Regardless, we don't have anything like that.

Caller: How am I supposed to afford it?

Oh, great. Another one who thinks my saying "no" somehow obligates me to supply alternatives. Suppressing urge to say, "Apparently you're not supposed to afford it."

Me: We accept Visa, MasterCard and Discover.

And you can pay THEM in installments if you like.

Caller: [shouty] I'm not going to use a credit card!

The above section is my favorite part of the whole conversation. Now that you mention it, I can think of dozens of instances where saying "no" obligated me to provide alternatives to my customers, especially when I didn't have any alternatives or if they'd already shot them down.

Me: If you want to upgrade to Windows Vista from Windows 95, you'll pretty much need a new computer.
Them: But I can't afford that!

Me: You could order that specialty item online.
Them: But I need it now!

And so on.

With Dips' wanna-be customer, apparently "credit" is evil, but payment plans are not. It sounds to me like the only difference is interest. He wanted you to provide a payment plan without the interest that a credit card company would charge, not realizing that if you could offer him a payment plan, you'd probably charge interest on it, too.

I had some pretty high medical expenses last summer. One physician's office referred me to an outsourced accounting company (kind of like a collection agency but for current accounts for patients who just need to spread out their payments--or when the physician's receptionists are not smart enough to do the billing on their own, which may have been the case with this doctor). The whole bill was $800. I could pay $100 a month. The outsourced accounting people would accept that, but they'd charge me $4 for every payment I made as a "convenience fee." I nicely told them that they could go attempt airborne fornication with a tumbling fried and glazed pastry, then put the whole $800 bill on my credit card. Instead of $40 in "convenience fees," I paid $17 in interest and even got the bill paid off faster than I would have otherwise.

In my opinion, that's exactly what credit cards are for: spreading out the payments on something you need now but can't pay for in full up front. Dips' guy was just an entitled idiot.

[Dips]

The whole bill was $800. I could pay $100 a month. The outsourced accounting people would accept that, but they'd charge me $4 for every payment I made as a "convenience fee." I nicely told them that they could go attempt airborne fornication with a tumbling fried and glazed pastry, then put the whole $800 bill on my credit card. Instead of $40 in "convenience fees," I paid $17 in interest and even got the bill paid off faster than I would have otherwise.

I agree.

Medical care being a purchase that often can't be postponed, I suppose they have to have an alternative for folks who don't have credit cards.

And those who do have credit cards can do just what you did. Sit down with a pen and paper, figure out which option would cost them less and use that option. But of course, that's logical. And we all know that SC's are allergic to logic.

While $4 per payment is steep for a business that does nothing but provide that service, it wouldn't even come close to covering our expenses for setting up a system like that for the handful of people who ask for it.

To cover our expenses our price would end up being so ridiculous that the only people who would agree to it would be people who have no intention of paying at all.

[Andara Bledin]

We're more of a Mom and Pop type of operation. We have, let's see [counts on fingers] 12 employees.

Hmm... You seem to be equipped with more than the standard allowance of fingers, there.

^-.-^

[Dips]

Hmm... You seem to be equipped with more than the standard allowance of fingers, there.

^-.-^

Well, you see. I counted on all my fingers. Wrote it down. Then started at the pinky again. Counted 2. Ran out of co-workers. Wrote that down. Then I used the calculator on my computer to add them together.

Thirteen!

Then I subtracted one because I'm always off for some reason. I think I might be accidentally counting my nose in there somewhere.

[Makes note to self] Stop counting nose.

[Nods solemnly.]

[Andara Bledin]

[Makes note to self] Stop counting nose.

So, kids are referring to it as a "nose" these days. Got it.

^-.-^

[technopoptart]

How are you allowed to restrict someone from a public auction? As long as they ended up paying you what does it matter?

[EricKei]

Hmm... You seem to be equipped with more than the standard allowance of fingers, there.

^-.-^

Two-Ten-Eleven. Eyes-Fingers-Toes.

Cookies for the reference.

[the_std]

Two-Ten-Eleven. Eyes-Fingers-Toes.

Cookies for the reference.

Ooo ooo ooo! Addams Family! It's the code to the vault!

Om nom cookies?