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Have no fear, citizens. Potiongate, along with a few other shocking moments of the year, will be collected and posted \over the weekend, as they all deserve a write-up. This Best Of D&D Camp will include
I Did Not Inhale
The Great Paulor
Potiongate
Operation Airship
The Ultimate Hissy Fit
and finally
Fighter Boy's Words of Wisdom
In the meantime, allow me to reintroduce the cast of characters of D&D Camp, where I'm working this week.
DB: Druid Boy. Druid Boy is what is known in Dungeons and Dragons terms as a "Munchkin." The sort of player who'd rather crunch numbers than tell a story.
PG: Psion Girl. Druid Boy's sister, she does not seem to be playing Dungeons and Dragons, but rather the game of ADD&D (Attention Deficit Dungeons and Dragons.) She tends to get easily distracted by anything and everything.
FG: Fighter Girl. FG is new to this camp. She's calm, attentive, willing to follow instructions, interested in the plot, and, when its not her turn, will quietly wait for others to go. The ideal PC. If the game had five of her instead of the rest of the people, you wouldn't be seeing this. Lucky you. Unlucky me.
FB: Fighter Boy. Not his fault. He just doesn't speak much English. I believe he was raised in China. So we have to explain things a few times. He's a good guy though. No complaints other than the language barrier.
WG: Warlock Girl. What happened to you Warlock Girl? You used to be cool. Last year when I had you in my campaign, you were happy and excited. Now you're all quiet and always have this upset look. Also, you have a creepy obsession with anime these days...
HD: You can guess.
CDM: My good friend and Co-DM Sam. Sam's just an awesome guy, and he's much better at teaching D&D and maintaining authority than I am.
I'll make another post friday to round out the week (I have a weird thing about symmetry, and besides, these kids are great)
And onto the show!
1)Weiners
Ah, the innocence of youth. Younger players do not necessarily catch innuendo. A girl has drawn a face on a pink long balloon (The type you can tie in knots... why it had to be pink I don't know.) DB, who DEFINITELY gets it, says that it looks like a weiner.
PG: "If I were a weiner I would be licking myself right now"
All: O_o
"I think weiners taste good."
HD: *thinking* True, but you're really digging yourself deeper here.
CDM: You do realize what it sounds like you're saying, right?
PG: "I mean weiner as in a pig"
CDM: "Yeah... Wait, what?"
I couldn't resist later, after she'd started hitting me with the balloon...
PG: "I hit you with my balloon"
HD: "At least you're not hitting me with your weiner."
2) Yes, DB, PLEASE go kill yourself.
Druid Boy is an ASSHOLE. He's also one of those people who use "Dice" as a singular word. Remarkably he pluralizes it "Dices." He has decided to be the gatekeeper of the dices, hiding them in a tennis ball.
PG needs to make an attack, only do discover that he has taken and hidden the die.
PG: *puts out her hand "Uh... DB"
DB: "Yeah?"
PG: *gesturing*"Die."
DB: *confused* "You want me to die?"
3) Hit Dice
I have no clue what caused it. Maybe she was bored. Maybe that's just how you play ADD&D. But the point is, for some reason, PG decided to throw a couple dice at DB's head. Just a gentle lob, but nevertheless...
I let it slide because he totally had that coming.
4) Getting Shitfaced
D&D is set in a fairly primitive setting, meaning there's a fairly shallow hole people use the bathroom in. DB, for some reason, after finding one of these holes, decided it would be a brilliant idea to drop a small explosive down the hole. It exploded, and now DB is covered in shit. He took penalties to a few future rolls because he's nauseated.
He stated that he didn't know the holes were that shallow, which was true. But considering he was trying to ignite methane gas to create a giant explosion... He's lucky he didn't get his way.
5) FB, King of Bad Luck
I feel sorry for poor FB. He rolls terribly... Absolutely terribly. He's a pleasant guy, very polite, very nice. He pays attention and contributes to the campaign... He just has awful, awful luck. He tends to roll ones. He rolled so many ones that CDM decided he would just roll for the poor guy for a while. He really didn't deserve all that bad luck.
DB has a habit of, possibly unintentionally, taking actions that will hurt FB as well. A monster has jumped down from a platform, and attacked the PCs. Then it jumped back up. FB decided to run up to the platform and attack it. DB decided to try to chop the platform down. WHILE DB WAS ON IT.
Then later, remember those little holes that people use? Well, most houses in this setting have a ten foot by ten foot bathroom. DB has a power which makes things go boom.
Not having learned from doing this previously, he tried to explode the bathroom AGAIN. This time RIGHT AFTER FB HAD WALKED INTO IT.
Poor FB.
5) Ahhhhhh.
I've got a really loud voice when I want to. I'm normally fairly quiet, but if I need to shout, I shout.
WG: Can I make an attack roll?
HD: On what?
WG: An attack roll
HD: On the-
DB: Hey guys! Everybody go-
WG: I wanna attack the toilet.
CDM: You can't atta-
DB: Everybody draw your weapons and
PG: Can I go to the bathroom?
WG: I wanna attack the toilet
HD: EVERYBODY SHUT UP!
*A few seconds later*
FB: *really low* Ahhhhhh
7) So you drew it BECAUSE?
I drew some pictures next to people's names on the initiative order, so people would remember who was going. After I drew the picture next to FB's location, he got up, went to the whiteboard, and drew what look like a small kidney bean.
CDM: What's that?
FB: I don't know.
8) Is WG high?
This campaign is based around a zombie apocalypse. All sorts of zombie movie tropes, including zombies grabbing you and eating your brains. We're running an encounter.
CDM: The zombie grabs you.
WG: *stoned laugh* Ha ha ha ha... It grabs you... Ha ha ha.
9) Cheese Pizza!
There is a great discussion going on, regarding the rules of D&D. How exactly is this game played? Specifically, if you use a ranged attack in melee, and an attack of opportunity hits you and drops you to zero hit points (meaning you can only take move actions, and if you take any other action its at a -3 penalty and you fall unconscious) can you cancel the attack if you still take the damage? Do you have to follow through, and if so, does finishing the attack drop you unconscious? While most of the players debate this, Psion Girl is oddly quiet. And then she looks up.
PG: Look at my recipe for cheese pizza!
All action stops. Sadly, the recipe was "Cheese + Pizza = Cheese Pizza"
10) If you're going to cheat...
NO, Druid Boy, you can NOT use Grasping Earth to close the fissure that the zombies are coming out of. You know why? Because its a LEVEL 23 SPELL. And you are LEVEL ONE. I play druids ALL THE TIME. I KNOW THESE SPELLS. Additionally, I helped you make your character. YOU DO NOT HAVE THAT SPELL. I know all your abilities. SO STOP ASKING IF YOU CAN USE IT.
11) Capture The Flag Wizard.
A couple times during the day, we take a break. One of those times, we get together with a group which plays games in the gym all day to play a big game of dodgeball, Capture the Flag (or rather flags) , or something of that sort.
Well, its hard to put teams together, so we decided it randomly. The other team was all people who liked running to get the flag, and nobody who was willing to defend.
I noticed that almost nobody tried to tag me when I was running for their flag. So I tried walking. STILL nobody tried to tag me, or even look up.
I kept testing this until I was able to sing Pinball Wizard, doing a full dance (including posing with one of the other team's flags in the air on "Stands like a statue, becomes part of the machine)
NOBODY TRIED TO TAG ME. Am I really THAT flamboyant that me loudly singing and dancing doesn't draw ANY attention?
12) Crackabout
DB doesn't approve of all this "Not playing D&D" that's going on for about half an hour Neither does WG, who sits on the sidelines, but DB REALLY doesn't approve. When D&D camp went to the gym to play a game of crackabout (a form of dodgeball also known as Swedish Dodgeball) DB announced he wouldn't play. Which is alright. I'm not gonna force the poor kid to have things thrown at him if he doesn't want to.
So we tell the other kids not to throw it at DB because he isn't playing. DB however is not content to sit on the sidelines. He decides he's going to keep grabbing at free balls and throwing them out of the gym and down the hallway.
Mr. G told him to stop, and he said "I don't want to play Crackabout."
That's okay, DB, BUT, WITH ONE EXCEPTION, LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE IN THE CAMP DOES. PLEASE DON'T RUIN IT FOR THEM.
13) I could get in trouble for that...
PG had a cardboard thing, I'm not sure where its from, which resembles in its shape a taco. For some reason she decided to push it in my face.
PG: Eat my taco!
HD: I'm sorry, I don't do that.
*thinking* Although I don't mind weiners...
I Did Not Inhale
The Great Paulor
Potiongate
Operation Airship
The Ultimate Hissy Fit
and finally
Fighter Boy's Words of Wisdom
In the meantime, allow me to reintroduce the cast of characters of D&D Camp, where I'm working this week.
DB: Druid Boy. Druid Boy is what is known in Dungeons and Dragons terms as a "Munchkin." The sort of player who'd rather crunch numbers than tell a story.
PG: Psion Girl. Druid Boy's sister, she does not seem to be playing Dungeons and Dragons, but rather the game of ADD&D (Attention Deficit Dungeons and Dragons.) She tends to get easily distracted by anything and everything.
FG: Fighter Girl. FG is new to this camp. She's calm, attentive, willing to follow instructions, interested in the plot, and, when its not her turn, will quietly wait for others to go. The ideal PC. If the game had five of her instead of the rest of the people, you wouldn't be seeing this. Lucky you. Unlucky me.
FB: Fighter Boy. Not his fault. He just doesn't speak much English. I believe he was raised in China. So we have to explain things a few times. He's a good guy though. No complaints other than the language barrier.
WG: Warlock Girl. What happened to you Warlock Girl? You used to be cool. Last year when I had you in my campaign, you were happy and excited. Now you're all quiet and always have this upset look. Also, you have a creepy obsession with anime these days...
HD: You can guess.
CDM: My good friend and Co-DM Sam. Sam's just an awesome guy, and he's much better at teaching D&D and maintaining authority than I am.
I'll make another post friday to round out the week (I have a weird thing about symmetry, and besides, these kids are great)
And onto the show!
1)Weiners
Ah, the innocence of youth. Younger players do not necessarily catch innuendo. A girl has drawn a face on a pink long balloon (The type you can tie in knots... why it had to be pink I don't know.) DB, who DEFINITELY gets it, says that it looks like a weiner.
PG: "If I were a weiner I would be licking myself right now"
All: O_o
"I think weiners taste good."
HD: *thinking* True, but you're really digging yourself deeper here.
CDM: You do realize what it sounds like you're saying, right?
PG: "I mean weiner as in a pig"
CDM: "Yeah... Wait, what?"
I couldn't resist later, after she'd started hitting me with the balloon...
PG: "I hit you with my balloon"
HD: "At least you're not hitting me with your weiner."
2) Yes, DB, PLEASE go kill yourself.
Druid Boy is an ASSHOLE. He's also one of those people who use "Dice" as a singular word. Remarkably he pluralizes it "Dices." He has decided to be the gatekeeper of the dices, hiding them in a tennis ball.
PG needs to make an attack, only do discover that he has taken and hidden the die.
PG: *puts out her hand "Uh... DB"
DB: "Yeah?"
PG: *gesturing*"Die."
DB: *confused* "You want me to die?"
3) Hit Dice
I have no clue what caused it. Maybe she was bored. Maybe that's just how you play ADD&D. But the point is, for some reason, PG decided to throw a couple dice at DB's head. Just a gentle lob, but nevertheless...
I let it slide because he totally had that coming.
4) Getting Shitfaced
D&D is set in a fairly primitive setting, meaning there's a fairly shallow hole people use the bathroom in. DB, for some reason, after finding one of these holes, decided it would be a brilliant idea to drop a small explosive down the hole. It exploded, and now DB is covered in shit. He took penalties to a few future rolls because he's nauseated.
He stated that he didn't know the holes were that shallow, which was true. But considering he was trying to ignite methane gas to create a giant explosion... He's lucky he didn't get his way.
5) FB, King of Bad Luck
I feel sorry for poor FB. He rolls terribly... Absolutely terribly. He's a pleasant guy, very polite, very nice. He pays attention and contributes to the campaign... He just has awful, awful luck. He tends to roll ones. He rolled so many ones that CDM decided he would just roll for the poor guy for a while. He really didn't deserve all that bad luck.
DB has a habit of, possibly unintentionally, taking actions that will hurt FB as well. A monster has jumped down from a platform, and attacked the PCs. Then it jumped back up. FB decided to run up to the platform and attack it. DB decided to try to chop the platform down. WHILE DB WAS ON IT.
Then later, remember those little holes that people use? Well, most houses in this setting have a ten foot by ten foot bathroom. DB has a power which makes things go boom.
Not having learned from doing this previously, he tried to explode the bathroom AGAIN. This time RIGHT AFTER FB HAD WALKED INTO IT.
Poor FB.
5) Ahhhhhh.
I've got a really loud voice when I want to. I'm normally fairly quiet, but if I need to shout, I shout.
WG: Can I make an attack roll?
HD: On what?
WG: An attack roll
HD: On the-
DB: Hey guys! Everybody go-
WG: I wanna attack the toilet.
CDM: You can't atta-
DB: Everybody draw your weapons and
PG: Can I go to the bathroom?
WG: I wanna attack the toilet
HD: EVERYBODY SHUT UP!
*A few seconds later*
FB: *really low* Ahhhhhh
7) So you drew it BECAUSE?
I drew some pictures next to people's names on the initiative order, so people would remember who was going. After I drew the picture next to FB's location, he got up, went to the whiteboard, and drew what look like a small kidney bean.
CDM: What's that?
FB: I don't know.
8) Is WG high?
This campaign is based around a zombie apocalypse. All sorts of zombie movie tropes, including zombies grabbing you and eating your brains. We're running an encounter.
CDM: The zombie grabs you.
WG: *stoned laugh* Ha ha ha ha... It grabs you... Ha ha ha.
9) Cheese Pizza!
There is a great discussion going on, regarding the rules of D&D. How exactly is this game played? Specifically, if you use a ranged attack in melee, and an attack of opportunity hits you and drops you to zero hit points (meaning you can only take move actions, and if you take any other action its at a -3 penalty and you fall unconscious) can you cancel the attack if you still take the damage? Do you have to follow through, and if so, does finishing the attack drop you unconscious? While most of the players debate this, Psion Girl is oddly quiet. And then she looks up.
PG: Look at my recipe for cheese pizza!
All action stops. Sadly, the recipe was "Cheese + Pizza = Cheese Pizza"
10) If you're going to cheat...
NO, Druid Boy, you can NOT use Grasping Earth to close the fissure that the zombies are coming out of. You know why? Because its a LEVEL 23 SPELL. And you are LEVEL ONE. I play druids ALL THE TIME. I KNOW THESE SPELLS. Additionally, I helped you make your character. YOU DO NOT HAVE THAT SPELL. I know all your abilities. SO STOP ASKING IF YOU CAN USE IT.
11) Capture The Flag Wizard.
A couple times during the day, we take a break. One of those times, we get together with a group which plays games in the gym all day to play a big game of dodgeball, Capture the Flag (or rather flags) , or something of that sort.
Well, its hard to put teams together, so we decided it randomly. The other team was all people who liked running to get the flag, and nobody who was willing to defend.
I noticed that almost nobody tried to tag me when I was running for their flag. So I tried walking. STILL nobody tried to tag me, or even look up.
I kept testing this until I was able to sing Pinball Wizard, doing a full dance (including posing with one of the other team's flags in the air on "Stands like a statue, becomes part of the machine)
NOBODY TRIED TO TAG ME. Am I really THAT flamboyant that me loudly singing and dancing doesn't draw ANY attention?
12) Crackabout
DB doesn't approve of all this "Not playing D&D" that's going on for about half an hour Neither does WG, who sits on the sidelines, but DB REALLY doesn't approve. When D&D camp went to the gym to play a game of crackabout (a form of dodgeball also known as Swedish Dodgeball) DB announced he wouldn't play. Which is alright. I'm not gonna force the poor kid to have things thrown at him if he doesn't want to.
So we tell the other kids not to throw it at DB because he isn't playing. DB however is not content to sit on the sidelines. He decides he's going to keep grabbing at free balls and throwing them out of the gym and down the hallway.
Mr. G told him to stop, and he said "I don't want to play Crackabout."
That's okay, DB, BUT, WITH ONE EXCEPTION, LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE IN THE CAMP DOES. PLEASE DON'T RUIN IT FOR THEM.
13) I could get in trouble for that...
PG had a cardboard thing, I'm not sure where its from, which resembles in its shape a taco. For some reason she decided to push it in my face.
PG: Eat my taco!
HD: I'm sorry, I don't do that.
*thinking* Although I don't mind weiners...
I write, my friend Red draws. Comments welcome. Leave them on their, or on my profile here. 
Coke.
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