It's Opposite Day!

[rerant]

Over the last couple weeks I've mentally collected the very few SCs I get at work.
While these didn't happen in a day for the most part they all follow the same theme: opposites.

Stink Bag

Ok, ok this isn't one of the opposites, but still gross and something that left me very concernicus.

An elderly man comes in around 8pm and starts perusing the display case.
I should describe this man. His clothes and skin were filthy, his sweat pants were tucked into his hot pink socks, he was wearing a winter coat, (oh hi, remember AUGUST?!) his sneakers were torn and tattered, and he REEKED of something so foul I can only imagine it was a combination of dirt, the serious lack of a shower and personal hygiene and the faintest hint of urine.
I had to hold my breath while I was around him and getting away wasn't easy, as he would constantly take a step closer to me every time I took a step back.
After he left I sprayed the entire area with grapefruit scented cleaner.

Me: Did you need something from the case?
SB: What's this?
Me: That's the Shunga drink for women.
SB: How does it work?
Me: Well, you mix a third of it with juice, drink it, and it is intended to enhance orgasms and increase libido.
SB: Can it be taken with alcohol?
Me: Yes, it's perfectly safe to take with alcohol, and the information pamphlet specifically mentions that.
SB: And this is for women?
Me: Yes.
SB: How much is it?
Me: $14.99
SB: So how do you give it to someone again?
Me: If you're buying it for someone she would mix it with some juice then drink it.
SB: Does it taste bad?
Me: I imagine it's somewhat bitter.
SB: So you would taste it in a drink?
Me: Likely so.

I already knew where the conversation was heading WAAAAAY before we got to this point.

SB: So if I put it in someone's drink would they know?
Me: You mean if you put it in their drink without their knowledge?
SB: Yes.
Me: You can't do that.
SB: Why?
Me: Because slipping something into someone's drink without them knowing is both illegal and disgusting and if that's what you're intending to buy it for I'm not selling it to you. Besides, it's not going to have the type of effect I think you're looking for.
SB: It makes ladies want sex though, right?
Me: It's not going to make anyone want sex with a stranger.
SB: Do you have anything that will?
Me: No. What you're looking for is against the law and I will not help you find anything like that.
SB: Can I buy this one?
Me: No. *walks away*

Even though the drink itself will in no way work in the roofies-esque way he's hoping I still didn't feel comfortable selling it to him.
Although in hindsight maybe if I did he'd try to slip some in a woman's drink, get caught and arrested, which would have been a significant bonus, and the woman would still be perfectly safe even if she did drink it.
But still... no.

Call Display

Oh how I love call display. It tells me when my boyfriend is calling, when I'm about to be annoyed by the chick at head office who always has us doing stupid busy-work, when the annoying customers call, and when I'm about to talk to either a raging jerk or some bored pre-teen who thinks "lube" is the funniest word on the planet.
This one was a raging jerk and talked to me with a snotty attitude the whole time.
Imagine every sentence being said through a cell phone with piss-poor reception, and the kind of tone that might as well be code for, "You're a fucking stupid peon."

Me: Good morning (store).
SC: *obviously on a cell phone* Who is this?
Me: (store)
SC: What's your name?
Me: What can I help you with?
SC: What's your name?
Me: What can I help you with?
SC: *unintelligible* of store?
Me: I'm sorry?
SC: What. Type. Of. Store. Is. This? Fuck.
Me: Sir, this is (store).

Side note: As a personal rule I never say the following things over the phone:
My name (I NEVER give this and only repeat the name of the store every time I'm asked until the person on the other end gets the hint or I get bored and hang up.)
What we sell (some people just call to hear the word "dildo". The exception to this is when it becomes obvious it's not a prank call.)
When a co-worker is working
I've also gotten damn good at spotting a prank call within the first couple of seconds, and I refuse to give in to them.

SC: *unintelligible*
Me: I'm sorry?
SC: Tell me what you sell!
Me: Call back when you learn some manners. *click*

No less than two minutes later the phone rings with the same Out Of Area message on the call display.

Me: Good morning (store).
SC: Who is this?
Me: (store)
SC: You gotta name?
Me: (store)
SC: *unintelligible* name?
Me: (store)
SC: *unintelligible* adult *unintelligible* for sale?
Me: I'm sorry?
SC: Do. You. Have. Adult *unintelligible* for. Sale?!
Me: Sir, I can't hear you, your reception isn't very good.
SC: Fuck! Do you have strippers or what?!
Me: No, we sell PRODUCTS not PEOPLE.
SC: Are you a stripper?
Me: *click*

The phone rings again. *sigh*

Me: Yes?
SC: What do you mean you don't sell strippers?
Me: It's the opposite of selling them. Don't call back. *click*

My soul. It aches.

I can haz jaaaabs now?

A kid who looked about 16 came marching in rather obnoxiously while I was helping a couple.

Kid: Yo, can I get a job here or what?
Me: Did you just call me "yo"?
Kid: So can I get a job?
Me: No.
Kid: What do you mean NO?!
Me: It's the opposite of yes.
*couple starts laughing*
Kid: Yo, gimme ONE good reason why I can't work here!
Me: I can give you four: We only hire women, we don't hire smart-assed little brats, "yo" is not an acceptable greeting in a workplace and you don't even look old enough to be in here, so unless you've got some ID to show me you can hit the bricks, yo.
Kid: Yo, fuck this.
Male customer: You should get a name badge that says Yo.
Female customer: But have it written backwards so when you slam it on his forehead it prints it on his face.
Me:

You're how old?

Before these two men entered I could hear them outside arguing. One was trying to convince the other to come in, and the one who was none too big a fan of the store was quite adamant about staying outside but eventually conceded.
As soon as they came in I could smell the awful stench of pot on them. It was like they had marinated themselves in bong water for a week.

The only one of the pair who was an SC was the one who didn't want to be there. The other was just one of those irritating people who come in for a laugh.

Guy1: Annoying one
Guy2: The SC

Guy1 to Guy2: Dude, check this [Jenna Jameson "Perfect Pair" cyberskin vibrating breasts] shit out!
Guy2: That's disgusting. I don't want to be in here; this place is fucking pathetic. *to me* How the fuck can you work in a place like this? (Said in a tone that suggested I was filth just for being employed there.)
Me: The opposite way that a grown man can be too immature to even walk in here.

Guy2 storms out, I mentally raise a fist in victory over the big-mouths.

Tomorrow starts another round of shifts for me so we'll see what comes out of the woodwork.
Methinks it'll be a lot of the same.

[Horsetuna]

good stories, but why CANT you hire men out of curiosity? Or was that just to give him another excuse?

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

good stories, but why CANT you hire men out of curiosity? Or was that just to give him another excuse?

Only thing I can think of is that a man might be more likely to sell that Shunga drink to that smelly ol' Rohypnol Larry guy in the first story.

[rerant]

It's not that we can't, but more that the owners have found that customers are generally more comfortable with women.
There have been male employees in the past, but apparently they didn't work out too well and a lot of the regular or semi-regular customers would come back when the women were working.
Plus they ask we know how to properly fit lingerie and not many men do.
Actually not many women do either, but generally speaking women will have a better grasp of the concept. Also there are times when we have to help people physically fit the lingerie, which means we're now in a fitting room with only a partially dressed woman.
So again, comfort for the customer.

I, personally, would have no issue with male employees and think that a person's gender means nothing when it comes to the job. But in a situation where customer comfort is a high priority I can understand the logic.

[XCashier]

Stink Bag

SB: It makes ladies want sex though, right?
Me: It's not going to make anyone want sex with a stranger.
SB: Do you have anything that will?

"You might try soap and water. On yourself, not in her drink!"

Seriously though, eeuuww. Totally creepy. Might want to warn your coworkers about this creep. And definitely keep all drinks out of his sight.

I can haz jaaaabs now?

Male customer: You should get a name badge that says Yo.
Female customer: But have it written backwards so when you slam it on his forehead it prints it on his face.
Me:

I like these two! And heck, I've always wanted a namebadge that says, "OY"!

[Ghel]

My husband was an SC at a store that sounds very much like yours. We went in the week they opened, and my hubby asked one of the employees if they had fitting rooms. The employee thought he meant for their lingerie, but then he held up a dildo (still in the package) and said, "my wife wants to try this on for size." I was totally embarrassed. I elbowed him. I'm amazed we didn't get banned.

[rerant]

My husband was an SC at a store that sounds very much like yours. We went in the week they opened, and my hubby asked one of the employees if they had fitting rooms. The employee thought he meant for their lingerie, but then he held up a dildo (still in the package) and said, "my wife wants to try this on for size." I was totally embarrassed. I elbowed him. I'm amazed we didn't get banned.

Yeeeeeeah we occasionally get people who make similar jokes.
I respond with the stare and blink until they realise that their joke isn't funny, and that I don't play into jokes like that.
Some customers have accused me of having no sense of humour, which could not be further from the truth.
It's my store's version of, "It doesn't scan so it must be free! har har har!"

[Talon]

Me: It's the opposite of yes.

Please tell me you said it with a faux english accent. Sean Connery much?

Male customer: You should get a name badge that says Yo.
Female customer: But have it written backwards so when you slam it on his forehead it prints it on his face.

That was awesome! Forget gold, we have a platinum winner for the Rimshot Olympics

[bainsidhe]

Male customer: You should get a name badge that says Yo.
Female customer: But have it written backwards so when you slam it on his forehead it prints it on his face.

Some customers are truly a joy.

Might I mention, leaving it as "YO" would have been perfect. That way, when it's slammed on his forehead, he walks around sporting "OY".

[lineswine]

Please tell me you said it with a faux english accent. Sean Connery much?

Sean Connery ENGLISH???
Oh, he'll just LOVE you for that one, in the same way a Canadian likes to be called "a Yank"

[South Texan]

SB: It makes ladies want sex though, right?
Me: It's not going to make anyone want sex with a stranger.
SB: Do you have anything that will?

Well..... I have seen cheap booze do that very thing to folks of both sexes. They usually wake up the next morning a little horrified by what they are lying next to.

.

[mariamousie1]

That kid is probably still wondering how his brilliant job-seeking strategy failed.

[Seshat]

And how any lingerie/sex toy store would possibly turn down such a shining specimen of manhood as himself.

[Talon]

Sean Connery ENGLISH???
Oh, he'll just LOVE you for that one, in the same way a Canadian likes to be called "a Yank"

Oops, talk about shooting myself in the foot.
Actually I was referring to one of his many movie roles, in which he quoted "Well it's the opposite of yes". I'm pretty sure the character was english, but I could be wrong. Either way, my bad.

[MergedLoki]

It's not that we can't, but more that the owners have found that customers are generally more comfortable with women.
There have been male employees in the past, but apparently they didn't work out too well and a lot of the regular or semi-regular customers would come back when the women were working.
Plus they ask we know how to properly fit lingerie and not many men do.
Actually not many women do either, but generally speaking women will have a better grasp of the concept. Also there are times when we have to help people physically fit the lingerie, which means we're now in a fitting room with only a partially dressed woman.
So again, comfort for the customer.

I, personally, would have no issue with male employees and think that a person's gender means nothing when it comes to the job. But in a situation where customer comfort is a high priority I can understand the logic.

^
that. it's for customer comfort. I had a friend that worked in an adult store through college and the owner was an ass. It was in a REALLY crappy part of town and the owner would staff her. by herself until the store closed at 12:30 at night.

So I spent a crapload of time in the store just keeping her company so she'd have someone else there. and a guy with her (not that i'm a huge guy or nothing but she's.... 5'4 maybe and like.. 110 lbs).

So many creepy 'customers'