I've been mostly incident free and relatively unscathed in the 'you ruined Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Eid sweepstakes this year. Until today that is. Mrs Grinch got me...sending me into a Grinchlike mood.
MG - Mrs Grinch - addled, obscene and holiday-hating shrieking because she's too inept to use our easy online ordering platform
Me - Your friendly floral escalations specialist
Me - spewing out company spiel giving the escalations team opening message
MG - You people LOST my internet order! I DEMAND to know where it is RIGHT NOW!!! I was up all night trying to place that order and I lost sleep and it was so hard but now the first girl says you have NOTHING!!!
Me - (speaking like I always do with the insane in the most calm manner)Do you have an order number?
MG - NO! It never GAVE me one!
Me - So what you're saying is that when you pushed the 'submit order' button your order number did not come up and you did not receive an email confirmation that the order was being processed?
MG - ARE YOU AN IDIOT!
Me - I'm trying to help you here.
MG - Nothing happened so I closed the computer and went to bed. But YOUR company owes me for all the sleep I missed worrying about this! When I got up this morning there was an email from you guys telling me to place my order and you'd take 15 bucks off.
Me - I need your name and phone number to research this.
I get the info and put her on hold. No order. No order anywhere in the system for her. I'm pretty sure she just clicked out of the browser without submitting her order.
Me - Mrs. Crazycakes, You don't have an open order with us currently. Whatever you did last night the order never completed in our system.
I hear the phone being set down and sounds like when Ralphie's momma told Flick's mom that Ralphie learned the word 'fuck' from Flick, the same sorts of screaming and hollering. Taking the Lord's name in vain on Christmas Eve has got to be some sort of special sin that earns you a pineapple up the ass for eternity or something.
MG - WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE ORDER DID NOT COMPLETE!!!!!!!!!!!
Me - Something happened, either in our system or perhaps with your internet connection *thinking because you're too stupid to work your computer* and you'll need to place it again. Please tell me what the code on the coupon was.
The phone drops again and I hear mother fuckers and more strange combination of swears while she runs around and screams like a manic. Finally she returns.
MG - THAT COUPON IS XXXX09
Me - Aha! That coupon is only issued if you fill out an order all the way through and close out the browser without hitting 'submit order'. I'll take your order right now for you so that we can get that out for the holidays Mrs Crazycakes.
MG - sets phone down and starts to run around screaming and cursing again.
So I go about trying to take MG's order. Every question brings a gnashing of teeth, beating of breasts, setting the phone down and running around. I'm as calm as if I had only liquid valium in my veins instead of blood. This is taking ten times longer than it should. We get about halfway through and she hurtles this gem at me.
MG - YOu're too calm! I don't LIKE it! I feel like you're disrespecting me with your calmness. This is meaningless to you. GET ME YOUR MANAGER BECAUSE I AM OFFENDED!!
And I snap. I've only been working an hour and I've already been cursed out three times by people waiting till too late to order for the holidays.
Me - Ma'am, I'm calm because I understand what's going on and the best way to resolve it. I am trying to help you here and quite frankly, becoming agitated is not going to make this go any smoother. If you could just get a grip on yourself it would help me out because right now, between you and the three that cussed me out this morning I feel like climbing up on top of the building here and JUMPING OFF. This is supposed to be a season of love, hope and joy.
Even as the words leave my mouth I'm thinking 'Oh, I'm going to get canned for this one!' but it worked about like slapping a hysteric in old movies seems to work. She actually calmed down enough and started acting semi-pleasant before it was over and thanked me. She did tell me jumping off the roof was 'too drastic and dramatic'
Ha! I made it through.
But I'm afraid Saturday holds most of these idiots calling to yell again.
MG - Mrs Grinch - addled, obscene and holiday-hating shrieking because she's too inept to use our easy online ordering platform
Me - Your friendly floral escalations specialist
Me - spewing out company spiel giving the escalations team opening message
MG - You people LOST my internet order! I DEMAND to know where it is RIGHT NOW!!! I was up all night trying to place that order and I lost sleep and it was so hard but now the first girl says you have NOTHING!!!
Me - (speaking like I always do with the insane in the most calm manner)Do you have an order number?
MG - NO! It never GAVE me one!
Me - So what you're saying is that when you pushed the 'submit order' button your order number did not come up and you did not receive an email confirmation that the order was being processed?
MG - ARE YOU AN IDIOT!
Me - I'm trying to help you here.
MG - Nothing happened so I closed the computer and went to bed. But YOUR company owes me for all the sleep I missed worrying about this! When I got up this morning there was an email from you guys telling me to place my order and you'd take 15 bucks off.
Me - I need your name and phone number to research this.
I get the info and put her on hold. No order. No order anywhere in the system for her. I'm pretty sure she just clicked out of the browser without submitting her order.
Me - Mrs. Crazycakes, You don't have an open order with us currently. Whatever you did last night the order never completed in our system.
I hear the phone being set down and sounds like when Ralphie's momma told Flick's mom that Ralphie learned the word 'fuck' from Flick, the same sorts of screaming and hollering. Taking the Lord's name in vain on Christmas Eve has got to be some sort of special sin that earns you a pineapple up the ass for eternity or something.
MG - WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE ORDER DID NOT COMPLETE!!!!!!!!!!!
Me - Something happened, either in our system or perhaps with your internet connection *thinking because you're too stupid to work your computer* and you'll need to place it again. Please tell me what the code on the coupon was.
The phone drops again and I hear mother fuckers and more strange combination of swears while she runs around and screams like a manic. Finally she returns.
MG - THAT COUPON IS XXXX09
Me - Aha! That coupon is only issued if you fill out an order all the way through and close out the browser without hitting 'submit order'. I'll take your order right now for you so that we can get that out for the holidays Mrs Crazycakes.
MG - sets phone down and starts to run around screaming and cursing again.
So I go about trying to take MG's order. Every question brings a gnashing of teeth, beating of breasts, setting the phone down and running around. I'm as calm as if I had only liquid valium in my veins instead of blood. This is taking ten times longer than it should. We get about halfway through and she hurtles this gem at me.
MG - YOu're too calm! I don't LIKE it! I feel like you're disrespecting me with your calmness. This is meaningless to you. GET ME YOUR MANAGER BECAUSE I AM OFFENDED!!
And I snap. I've only been working an hour and I've already been cursed out three times by people waiting till too late to order for the holidays.
Me - Ma'am, I'm calm because I understand what's going on and the best way to resolve it. I am trying to help you here and quite frankly, becoming agitated is not going to make this go any smoother. If you could just get a grip on yourself it would help me out because right now, between you and the three that cussed me out this morning I feel like climbing up on top of the building here and JUMPING OFF. This is supposed to be a season of love, hope and joy.
Even as the words leave my mouth I'm thinking 'Oh, I'm going to get canned for this one!' but it worked about like slapping a hysteric in old movies seems to work. She actually calmed down enough and started acting semi-pleasant before it was over and thanked me. She did tell me jumping off the roof was 'too drastic and dramatic'
Ha! I made it through.
But I'm afraid Saturday holds most of these idiots calling to yell again.
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