The Nipple Tassel Paradox

[Jester]

A Plague Upon Phoenix Skyharbour

Look, dude, I know you don't like this fucktrumpet that called, or most of the fucktrumpets that call, but I am wagering that most of these people are flying to Phoenix for vacation, or through Phoenix, not going home. Which means they are not from Phoenix. So stop wishing bad things upon my beloved home city. And its very nice, very friendly airport. It's not the airport's fault that one of your clients books rooms for an idiot airline. Or whatever it is they do.

I also know that, as a Canadian, you and I spell certain words differently. That being said, a name of a place is its name, and that does not change because you are Canadian. It is Phoenix Sky Harbor, not Phoenix Skyharbour. There is no u in it. There has never been a u in it. Beer willing, there will never BE a u in it.

If it were Canadian, I would spell it Sky Harbour. It isn't. Get it right.

Me: “You should be able to find the courtesy phones in baggage claim-“
SC: “Oh…..will my luggage be there?!”

The very purpose of the area is contained entirely within it’s title: Baggage Claim.

Two problems with this: First, a lot of people are stupid, and don't realize that "baggage" equals their "suitcases."

More importantly, as you yourself said, that is where their bags will be in theory. In reality, with the airlines being what they are, there is no guarantee that they actually will be there.

Cap'n Hindgrinder

Key West being both a sailing town and a drinking town, the picture you described is not an uncommon sight down here. I don't know quite what that says about this place, though.

This is starting to become an unsettling trend and I really can’t pinpoint exactly why it is occurring. I mean, I thought I sounded male.

If it makes you feel any better, I have a rather deep, unmistakably male voice. And I even get the occasional "ma'am" on the phone at The Bar. I believe that it simply goes back to people not listening or paying attention.

You’d let me know if I really sounded like Jessica Rabbit or something, wouldn’t you?

Oh, hell no! But we would be calling you a lot more often!

The questioner in question would be classified as around a Level 9 Jock with 4-6 points in the Douchebag tree ( Gelled up buzz cut, muscle shirt, at least 2 gold chains, Axe bodyspray for the set bonus ).

Only 4-6 points? Seriously, that guy sounds like a full-blown Grade A right-out-of-the-shrink-wrap Major Douchebag!

However, he was looking for directions to some sort of liquor serving establishment which may or may not have badly coordinated females who remove articles of clothing to a static filled rendition of “Sweet Child of Mine”. Again, being a spindly geek creature, I would never step foot in such an establishment.

Now wait one minute. I wear glasses. I have been considered from time to time to be a geek. But I have also gone to such establishments, at times being a regular in some of them, at one time even DJing in another. I don't go to those places much anymore, not because I am geekier--if anything, I am less geeky--but because they just hold less interest to 39 year old Jester than they did to 24 year old Jester. Not because I am less interested in booze and naked women. If anything, I am more interested in booze and naked women now than I was then. I am just less interested in plastic (physically and mentally) naked women than I was when I was younger, stupider, less experienced, and lived in a town that did not have any clothing optional bars where I could see non-professional naked women while drinking my booze.

nipple tassels.

Am I to understand that in the wonderful City of Vancouver they make the strippers where pasties? Or was that just you using poetic license? I hope the latter. Pasties suck, and do not belong in a civilized gentleman's club...or for that matter, in a raunchy titty bar, either.

The fuck stops here.

Truly another great line that I plan to steal and use in my life.

Sadly, I can't remember the other ones I have previously said I would appropriate for my own devices.[/QUOTE]

I let them vent for about thirty seconds, and then I bellowed, "HEY! You two come into my place, start shouting, then almost come to blows over lottery tickets, and you think I'm not going to throw you both out? Get out, and don't come back until you're prepared to act like grown-ups. Go on, OUT!"

You rock!

Westjet told one of my guests, after 2 days of being unable to locate her bags that if she wanted them to keep looking, there would be a "service fee" of $50 a day

Now that gives new meaning to "servicing your customers." Because that customer got fucked up the wazoo on that one!

...if your airline loses your luggage, they should offer you a free return trip ticket to wherever your luggage wound up.

Knowing my luck, my bag would end up in Buffalo, New York....in January.

[42_42_42]

Gravekeeper, you have an incredible writing style. The internet should pay you.

So far, Gravekeeper has earned 93,427,987 theororetical dollars.

[AriRashkae]

Along with the breathalyzer lock, write down postal codes and names of towns.....

And multiple preschool reading primers.

[Sunflash]

Song of the Siren

Me: “Are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “Yes ma’am.”

This is starting to become an unsettling trend and I really can’t pinpoint exactly why it is occurring. I mean, I thought I sounded male. Yet time and time again the tone I am emitting to what appear to be desperately lonely men in the night time hours is that of an irresistible siren.

You guys would tell me right? I mean, when I hear myself speak I think I sound male. But I could be utterly mistaken. You’d let me know if I really sounded like Jessica Rabbit or something, wouldn’t you? Guys?

Hah. I get that kinda thing all the time, but from drivethrus.

*pull up to braums*
Speaker: "Welcome to Braums how can I help you?"
Me: "Yes, I'd like a chicken strip dinner and a large chocolate shake, please!"
Speaker: "i have a chicken strip dinner and a large chocolate shake?"
Me: "Yup!"
speaker: "Can I get you anything else tonight ma'am?"

*faceplant*

Although honestly, the look on their faces when I pull up to the window to pay/pickup is usually priceless.

[Cookie]

Gravekeeper, you have an incredible writing style. The internet should pay you.

[42_42_42]

Ah, Graveskeeper, how I love thee. Your sardonic wit as you describe the troglodytes with whom you are forced to converse (and I use that word in its most basic meaning) is priceless. Thank you for the belly laughs. You've had me laughing to tears on so many occasions. Thank you!

[Chrismor]

In addition to what they already do in these cases, (next to nothing; in fact, Westjet told one of my guests, after 2 days of being unable to locate her bags that if she wanted them to keep looking, there would be a "service fee" of $50 a day) if your airline loses your luggage, they should offer you a free return trip ticket to wherever your luggage wound up.

I second that motion. As someone who is notorious for misplacing luggage, I should be able to avoid paying for flights ever again.

Oh, and if someone spots an empty suitcase in Dubai, it's mine.

C.

[infinitemonkies]

Baggage Claim. It is where you go to claim your baggage. So yes, your luggage should in theory be there. Well, should be there. You are flying US Airways. It’s possible it could be in Europe by now too.

I had several guests in the hotel over the holidays whose luggage had been lost by airlines, mostly Westjet, and I had an idea.

In addition to what they already do in these cases, (next to nothing; in fact, Westjet told one of my guests, after 2 days of being unable to locate her bags that if she wanted them to keep looking, there would be a "service fee" of $50 a day) if your airline loses your luggage, they should offer you a free return trip ticket to wherever your luggage wound up.

[Calud]

Song of the Siren

Me: “Are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “Yes ma’am.”

This is starting to become an unsettling trend and I really can’t pinpoint exactly why it is occurring. I mean, I thought I sounded male. Yet time and time again the tone I am emitting to what appear to be desperately lonely men in the night time hours is that of an irresistible siren.

You guys would tell me right? I mean, when I hear myself speak I think I sound male. But I could be utterly mistaken. You’d let me know if I really sounded like Jessica Rabbit or something, wouldn’t you? Guys?

I would never deny a ladies plea for help!

[El Pollo Guerrera]

Its Time To Admit You Have A Problem

Hmmm….right, look here, Skippy. I may not be a police officer, attorney, therapist or even a Dear Abby columnist but if you’ve been arrested for driving under the influence so many times that I recognize your name then perhaps it’s time to admit you have a problem. I mean seriously, you must have still been out on bail. Maybe this thought hasn’t crossed the barren country road of your mind yet, or perhaps it tried and you ran it over, but it’s rather difficult to come up with a defense in court against a crime when you commit the same crime again while still on bail from the last time you did it.

I wish I could find the magazine that I read it in (it was an issue of Fortean Times that has long ago been put in storage), but there was a story about a guy in Ontario who had many many many convictions of DUI. During his latest trial he decided to plead 'not guilty by reason of insanity' (or the Canadian legal equivalent). The judge ruled that the guy had to be sent to a hospital for observation. He went. The doctors studied him and told the court that the guy was a danger to himself and the public. He was sent to a hospital for the criminally insane for about 10 years.

[Pairou]

Along with the breathalyzer lock, write down postal codes and names of towns.....

[depechemodefan]

However, he was looking for directions to some sort of liquor serving establishment which may or may not have badly coordinated females who remove articles of clothing to a static filled rendition of “Sweet Child of Mine”. Again, being a spindly geek creature, I would never step foot in such an establishment.

Wait, don't live in a place that has 60 ft long, 30 ft high billboards ofgentlemen's clubs every mile off the freeways? Like Houston? Even bespeckled I, with boobs (that do not stick out as far as my gut) that might one day nurture a child if get drunk enough to have sex without a condom, knows where all the tittie bars are here in Houston. Ok, the good ones I know by name. The no-name ones I can just tell you are off certain rds.

Really, Houston has way too many billboards for tittie bars. Oh, and adult bookstores. And Gallery Furniture.

[TonyDonuts]

"I guess lotteries iz seriuz bizness for some....folk."

Boy howdy, you ain't kidding!

I had a couple of lottery guys who would come in, buy fifty or sixty bucks worth of tickets, sit and scratch them off in their cars, then come back in to cash out the rare winners, and then buy more. They could keep at it for hours. They usually came in at different times.

But not this day.

They came in at almost the same time. And were playing the same game.

They were in line, one behind the other. Plumber, who was always in his work truck, grabbed Lemonhead (who always looked like he had just spent the last thirty years sucking on a lemon. A very sour lemon) as he was ordering tickets and shouted, "HEY! You can't buy those tickets, I'm playing that book!"

Lemonhead shouted back, "Fuck off! I'M playing that book," as he shrugged out of Plumber's grasp. They faced off together. Faces red. Fists clenched. Two middle-aged guys were about to start tossing punches at each other over lottery tickets.

I shouted, "HEY!" They both looked at me, startled.

"For the record, gentlemen, until somebody buys them they are MY tickets, and I'll sell them as I see fit. Now both of you clear out."

And then the blustery protests started. I let them vent for about thirty seconds, and then I bellowed, "HEY! You two come into my place, start shouting, then almost come to blows over lottery tickets, and you think I'm not going to throw you both out? Get out, and don't come back until you're prepared to act like grown-ups. Go on, OUT!"

And they did leave, with much grumbling and muttering.

[Broomjockey]

How long does it take to get that far north? Minimum 2 days to get to Old Crow in the Yukon, so I'm assuming longer for the majority of Nunavut.

[bainsidhe]

Perhaps you could have instructed the idiot to call the "magic number" for lottery information. And given the gamblers anonymous number instead.