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I apologize for the delay. After I got a concussion on the last day of camp, I forgot I was gonna give you these.
For those of you who need a refresher, I was at a Dungeons and Dragons camp this year, as a DM. Fourth year as a DM, actually. Ninth year all together, DM and PC.
Now, nine years of attending three weeks of a camp equals 27 weeks, and you better BELIEVE that interesting stuff happened.
And so, Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado, I present you with the greatest moments of Fail from the last nine years of D&D camp.
Characters and Terms
DM: Dungeon Master. The Man Behind the Screen. The DM has power of time and space, and access to the mysterious powers of Rule Zero.
CDM: Co-Dungeon Master. They wield all the powers of the DM, without having to write the story.
DMPC: A PC played by the DM. If done well, they can be a good and enjoyable part of the gaming process while simultaneously guiding the players. If done poorly, they steal the spotlight.
PC: Players, ideally playing great, noble heroes seeking to protect the world from devastation, and unite all peoples within their nation. The use of Team Rocket's intro should give you an idea how often this ACTUALLY happens.
HD: Your High-Definition Hyena Dandy, moi.
HDF: My best friend, known here as Hyena Dandy's Friend.
DP: A pervert who makes... Well, honestly, there's no comparison. He's just a pervert. Some people you meet and figure one is too many of. He's one of the ones zero is too many of.
Clam: Okay, its not really his name, but that's how he signed it. A rules lawyer to end all rules lawyers.
HP: Harry Potter! Ah, my favorite PC in all my years... I have not had anyone as damn FUN to DM for as Harry. His name isn't REALLY Harry, obviously. But he looked like him the first time HDF and I DM'd for him.
HG: Hermione Granger! Really, the resemblance is disturbing. She looks JUST like Hermione.
Draco: Eh. Didn't really look like Draco, but he was blonde, so....
GP: Normally Gold Pieces, but in this case, it refers to a Gnoll Paladin
Year 1: I Did Not Inhale
My first year at D&D camp. I was but a lowly Rogue named after Lord Vetinari from Discworld. So long ago, I have very little actual memory of what happened, but I do recall a simple exchange which has haunted me forever.
DM: You see a Ghast.
PC: I inhale it!
Year 2: How to Lose Friends and Influence Dice Rolls
This is one of the ones I did not experience personally... I heard it through the grapevine. But I heard it from one of the players in my group, and he heard it from our DM, and he heard it from the guy who was DMing the group. But anyway, DP was in the group, and he was annoyed at the fact that a lot of the players in it were making sex jokes.
Pop Quiz!
You're pissed off that people are going off-topic in your D&D group. What do you do?
A) Talk to the players
B) Talk to the DM
C) Talk to the guy running the camp
D) Have your character rape Pelor's daughter.
Well, let's be honest. If it was A through C, would it be on this list?
DP decided the best way to solve the problem of too much sex was in-character sexual assault. And he wonders why people accuse him of being a pervert...
Anyway, word is, after that the DM had Pelor get pissed off about it, and fudged down all his dice rolls.
Year 3) A God Is Born
This isn't really fail, but its a good story nonetheless. D&D is not the most popular game in the world, and slowly the attendance has started to wane. Year 3 saw the beginning of a new age of D&D camp. In one way, an age where every year there is one more DM signed up than is needed... But yet, it saw a new age in another way... The age of Paulor, god of D&D camp.
Paul (not my boyfriend, a different Paul) was the extra DM... And rather than partner up and CDM with someone (usually taking the roll of a DMPC) Paul opted for the "Playing God" route. He became the person DMs called when they found themselves in an unsolvable situation. Total Party Wipe? Call Paulor, he'll give them Potions of Awesomeness. Your best villain has been destroyed? Paulor will revive him! Paulor's impact is still felt in D&D camp, as every year, someone will draw the holy symbols of Paulor (a pencil and a Potion of Awesomeness) on the white/blackboard at the front of the room.
Year 4) Orangutan Porn
What's the most disturbing thing you can think of, to put in the loot a PC gets, if you get a bad roll? Well, if you're my DM in Year Four, the answer is... Orangutan Porn. A scroll which, when viewed, forces the player to make a will save or lose 1D3 Wisdom. A deadly scroll to be sure.
Mr. G, the guy who runs the camp, found out about it and put the Kibosh on it, however. We had to change it to "Scroll of Insanity"
Year 5) PCs 1, HD 0
Ah, my first year as a DM. I remember it well... I had such an exciting story planned, and along with my friend HDF, we were determined to enthrall and engage our players.
That went about as well as could be expected. The first year was a terrible year for our story. Our group included a pair of Rules Lawyers, including Clam. Oh dear... That was not fun. He brought in all sorts of supplements... And in the end, our carefully crafted plot fell through the drains.
Year 6: PCs 2, HD 0
What's the one thing WORSE than a Rules lawyer?
The damn kid I got in Year 6. You ever hear of the expression "Bouncing off the Walls?"
You ever see someone take it LITERALLY?
He was actually bouncing off walls. He danced on the table. He threw a fit when his character got killed... He did EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to piss off me and my CDM for the year... And for that, my good friend awarded him gaming's first ever Certificate of Fail.
Year 7a: Harry Potter and the Black Dragon.
This was the year HDF and I had Hermione, Harry, and Draco. Good players, all. Well, not Draco. But Hermione, and Harry were good. Hermione was a rules lawyer in training at the time, but she didn't actually know enough rules to make a difference. And Draco, while annoying with his lack of attention, was nothing compared to the kid in Year 6. So, it was a pretty sweet, easy-coasting year.
Harry played a Druid, and he did pretty well with that... Except near the end of the campaign, last day... They encountered a Black Dragon, and also the subject of my second pop quiz.
You and your party have encountered a black dragon. What do you do?
A) Attack
B) Run
C) Hide
D) Flirt
Well, if you picked D, you're probably Harry Potter. He ended up selling out his friends to the Black Dragon, and making advances on her.
We never found out how that worked, but there was a half-Black Dragon NPC in the next campaign.
Year 7b: Demonstrations
You know what some of the most underrated comedy is? Slapstick. It takes truly great comedic timing to be a master of physical comedy. Or, you know, a misplaced backpack and bad luck.
HD: Okay, you attack the door. Make a strength check.
PC: Uh... 7
HD: Did you add your strength modifier?
PC: Oh... No... Uh... 9
HD: Okay, you fail... You bounce off, trip, and fall over. *stands up to go to the bathroom... Trips, and falls flat on his ass*
HD: *springs up* LIKE THAT!
Year 8: Spyglasses, and other erotic devices, OR "Kids Write The Darndest Things."
You know, my handwriting isn't perfect... But if there's one thing you can say for it, its that letters look like themselves. Alas, this was not so for one unfortunate year 8 PC. (I'll have to give you a more in-depth summary of Year 8's Total Plot Kill another time)
This PC, at the tender age of 11, was drawing up an inventory for what the party would need to take on an adventure to the unexplored lands of the far east. (The inventory list was his idea)
His sheet got passed around the DMs later, because of a few simple stray lines. You see, his P sort of curved at the bottom like an e... And the y was drawn too sloppily like an x... Which resulted in the invention of the Sexglass. I assume its a medieval fleshlight.
Year 9: The moment you've all been waiting for....
POTIONGATE
I promised you I'd tell you the tale of Potiongate, and here it is...
One day, a group of adventurers came across a potion shop.
"Good morrow!" Called the potion maker, "May I assist you fine adventurers!"
"Why yes..." Replied a the party's Paladin... A strong, female gnoll "We require potions."
"Ah, you have come to the right place!" Replied the potion maker, peppering his speech with excessive quotation marks, "I sell the best potions around!"
The adventurers talked together, "But sir... We don't have any money." Replied the Paladin.
"No money no deal!" The potionmaker replied... This worried the adventurers, who were in desperate need of magical assistance. Then, the Paladin stepped closer.
"Sir... We have no money... I'm sure we could work out... A different sort of payment?"
This was a dangerous gambit, but fortunately for her, the potion maker had just returned from Anthrocon, and was in the mood for some hyena lovin'*.
"Very well!" Said the irrationally excitable potion maker, "Step inside!"
However, the guards were passing by, and were just happening to see this happening. They immediately came by and tried to arrest the gnoll.
Thinking quickly, the paladin turned to the guards, "Oh, thank you sirs! This horrible man was exploiting me!"
The guards were most upset, and completely ignored the fact that one of the parties was a seven foot hyena woman and the other was, in fact, a slightly pudgy potions maker. They arrested the potions maker... And, to compensate her for her difficulties, provided her with a bag of holding and told her to take what she needed from the now jailed potionmaker's shop.
And thus ends the story of Potiongate. I hope it was worth the wait.
*Which is mystifying, but I'm used to people being in that mood.
For those of you who need a refresher, I was at a Dungeons and Dragons camp this year, as a DM. Fourth year as a DM, actually. Ninth year all together, DM and PC.
Now, nine years of attending three weeks of a camp equals 27 weeks, and you better BELIEVE that interesting stuff happened.
And so, Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado, I present you with the greatest moments of Fail from the last nine years of D&D camp.
Characters and Terms
DM: Dungeon Master. The Man Behind the Screen. The DM has power of time and space, and access to the mysterious powers of Rule Zero.
CDM: Co-Dungeon Master. They wield all the powers of the DM, without having to write the story.
DMPC: A PC played by the DM. If done well, they can be a good and enjoyable part of the gaming process while simultaneously guiding the players. If done poorly, they steal the spotlight.
PC: Players, ideally playing great, noble heroes seeking to protect the world from devastation, and unite all peoples within their nation. The use of Team Rocket's intro should give you an idea how often this ACTUALLY happens.
HD: Your High-Definition Hyena Dandy, moi.
HDF: My best friend, known here as Hyena Dandy's Friend.
DP: A pervert who makes... Well, honestly, there's no comparison. He's just a pervert. Some people you meet and figure one is too many of. He's one of the ones zero is too many of.
Clam: Okay, its not really his name, but that's how he signed it. A rules lawyer to end all rules lawyers.
HP: Harry Potter! Ah, my favorite PC in all my years... I have not had anyone as damn FUN to DM for as Harry. His name isn't REALLY Harry, obviously. But he looked like him the first time HDF and I DM'd for him.
HG: Hermione Granger! Really, the resemblance is disturbing. She looks JUST like Hermione.
Draco: Eh. Didn't really look like Draco, but he was blonde, so....
GP: Normally Gold Pieces, but in this case, it refers to a Gnoll Paladin
Year 1: I Did Not Inhale
My first year at D&D camp. I was but a lowly Rogue named after Lord Vetinari from Discworld. So long ago, I have very little actual memory of what happened, but I do recall a simple exchange which has haunted me forever.
DM: You see a Ghast.
PC: I inhale it!
Year 2: How to Lose Friends and Influence Dice Rolls
This is one of the ones I did not experience personally... I heard it through the grapevine. But I heard it from one of the players in my group, and he heard it from our DM, and he heard it from the guy who was DMing the group. But anyway, DP was in the group, and he was annoyed at the fact that a lot of the players in it were making sex jokes.
Pop Quiz!
You're pissed off that people are going off-topic in your D&D group. What do you do?
A) Talk to the players
B) Talk to the DM
C) Talk to the guy running the camp
D) Have your character rape Pelor's daughter.
Well, let's be honest. If it was A through C, would it be on this list?
DP decided the best way to solve the problem of too much sex was in-character sexual assault. And he wonders why people accuse him of being a pervert...
Anyway, word is, after that the DM had Pelor get pissed off about it, and fudged down all his dice rolls.
Year 3) A God Is Born
This isn't really fail, but its a good story nonetheless. D&D is not the most popular game in the world, and slowly the attendance has started to wane. Year 3 saw the beginning of a new age of D&D camp. In one way, an age where every year there is one more DM signed up than is needed... But yet, it saw a new age in another way... The age of Paulor, god of D&D camp.
Paul (not my boyfriend, a different Paul) was the extra DM... And rather than partner up and CDM with someone (usually taking the roll of a DMPC) Paul opted for the "Playing God" route. He became the person DMs called when they found themselves in an unsolvable situation. Total Party Wipe? Call Paulor, he'll give them Potions of Awesomeness. Your best villain has been destroyed? Paulor will revive him! Paulor's impact is still felt in D&D camp, as every year, someone will draw the holy symbols of Paulor (a pencil and a Potion of Awesomeness) on the white/blackboard at the front of the room.
Year 4) Orangutan Porn
What's the most disturbing thing you can think of, to put in the loot a PC gets, if you get a bad roll? Well, if you're my DM in Year Four, the answer is... Orangutan Porn. A scroll which, when viewed, forces the player to make a will save or lose 1D3 Wisdom. A deadly scroll to be sure.
Mr. G, the guy who runs the camp, found out about it and put the Kibosh on it, however. We had to change it to "Scroll of Insanity"
Year 5) PCs 1, HD 0
Ah, my first year as a DM. I remember it well... I had such an exciting story planned, and along with my friend HDF, we were determined to enthrall and engage our players.
That went about as well as could be expected. The first year was a terrible year for our story. Our group included a pair of Rules Lawyers, including Clam. Oh dear... That was not fun. He brought in all sorts of supplements... And in the end, our carefully crafted plot fell through the drains.
Year 6: PCs 2, HD 0
What's the one thing WORSE than a Rules lawyer?
The damn kid I got in Year 6. You ever hear of the expression "Bouncing off the Walls?"
You ever see someone take it LITERALLY?
He was actually bouncing off walls. He danced on the table. He threw a fit when his character got killed... He did EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to piss off me and my CDM for the year... And for that, my good friend awarded him gaming's first ever Certificate of Fail.
Year 7a: Harry Potter and the Black Dragon.
This was the year HDF and I had Hermione, Harry, and Draco. Good players, all. Well, not Draco. But Hermione, and Harry were good. Hermione was a rules lawyer in training at the time, but she didn't actually know enough rules to make a difference. And Draco, while annoying with his lack of attention, was nothing compared to the kid in Year 6. So, it was a pretty sweet, easy-coasting year.
Harry played a Druid, and he did pretty well with that... Except near the end of the campaign, last day... They encountered a Black Dragon, and also the subject of my second pop quiz.
You and your party have encountered a black dragon. What do you do?
A) Attack
B) Run
C) Hide
D) Flirt
Well, if you picked D, you're probably Harry Potter. He ended up selling out his friends to the Black Dragon, and making advances on her.
We never found out how that worked, but there was a half-Black Dragon NPC in the next campaign.
Year 7b: Demonstrations
You know what some of the most underrated comedy is? Slapstick. It takes truly great comedic timing to be a master of physical comedy. Or, you know, a misplaced backpack and bad luck.
HD: Okay, you attack the door. Make a strength check.
PC: Uh... 7
HD: Did you add your strength modifier?
PC: Oh... No... Uh... 9
HD: Okay, you fail... You bounce off, trip, and fall over. *stands up to go to the bathroom... Trips, and falls flat on his ass*
HD: *springs up* LIKE THAT!
Year 8: Spyglasses, and other erotic devices, OR "Kids Write The Darndest Things."
You know, my handwriting isn't perfect... But if there's one thing you can say for it, its that letters look like themselves. Alas, this was not so for one unfortunate year 8 PC. (I'll have to give you a more in-depth summary of Year 8's Total Plot Kill another time)
This PC, at the tender age of 11, was drawing up an inventory for what the party would need to take on an adventure to the unexplored lands of the far east. (The inventory list was his idea)
His sheet got passed around the DMs later, because of a few simple stray lines. You see, his P sort of curved at the bottom like an e... And the y was drawn too sloppily like an x... Which resulted in the invention of the Sexglass. I assume its a medieval fleshlight.
Year 9: The moment you've all been waiting for....
POTIONGATE
I promised you I'd tell you the tale of Potiongate, and here it is...
One day, a group of adventurers came across a potion shop.
"Good morrow!" Called the potion maker, "May I assist you fine adventurers!"
"Why yes..." Replied a the party's Paladin... A strong, female gnoll "We require potions."
"Ah, you have come to the right place!" Replied the potion maker, peppering his speech with excessive quotation marks, "I sell the best potions around!"
The adventurers talked together, "But sir... We don't have any money." Replied the Paladin.
"No money no deal!" The potionmaker replied... This worried the adventurers, who were in desperate need of magical assistance. Then, the Paladin stepped closer.
"Sir... We have no money... I'm sure we could work out... A different sort of payment?"
This was a dangerous gambit, but fortunately for her, the potion maker had just returned from Anthrocon, and was in the mood for some hyena lovin'*.
"Very well!" Said the irrationally excitable potion maker, "Step inside!"
However, the guards were passing by, and were just happening to see this happening. They immediately came by and tried to arrest the gnoll.
Thinking quickly, the paladin turned to the guards, "Oh, thank you sirs! This horrible man was exploiting me!"
The guards were most upset, and completely ignored the fact that one of the parties was a seven foot hyena woman and the other was, in fact, a slightly pudgy potions maker. They arrested the potions maker... And, to compensate her for her difficulties, provided her with a bag of holding and told her to take what she needed from the now jailed potionmaker's shop.
And thus ends the story of Potiongate. I hope it was worth the wait.
*Which is mystifying, but I'm used to people being in that mood.
I write, my friend Red draws. Comments welcome. Leave them on their, or on my profile here. 
OH MY GOD I've read some funny stories but the one about the paladin oh my god that was jesus that was funny.
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