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Wherein I Dispense Both Mercy And Wrath
It has been a severely bad week for me, so excuse the shortness. -.-
Life of a Gamer
Me: “and the item number please?”
SC: “It’s 5505”
Me: “Alright, 5505?”
SC: “6547”
Me: “…..6547?”
SC: “No, 5505.”
Are you attempting to engage me in some sort of game? Because I there is a distinct lack of amusement emanating from my corner, and I am one who quite proudly bears the moniker of “gamer”. Implying someone who partakes in gaming. Typically at length and in absence of a girlfriend or life with only a cat to keep me company a-<cough> but yes, a gamer. I indulge in them, I know what they are, and this is not them. This is either you amusing your overly simplistic self at my expense or an unsettling window into the barren, Mars like landscape of your mind where a tiny, solar powered rover hibernates for months at a time just to store up enough power to continue its exploration for a clue.
Either way, I request an immediate stop to these shenanigans. Or there will be no pants for you today.
Priorities
Me: “It should arrive in about 2 weeks.”
SC: “Oooh, I hope I can afford it when it arrives.”
….you know, far be for me to dispense life advice to a total stranger such as yourself. But I would shuffle that particular item around to the first item on your checklist before placing an order. Not the last. Oddly enough, the vast majority of retail businesses do not operate on the Santa Principle. You do not place wishes and then hope that by the time he arrives, you have been sufficiently good to receive them.
What Did I Tell You About The Fist, Penis Thing?
SC: "I can't connect to the wifi."
Me: "Oh, alright, where at?"
SC: "<hotel name>"
Me: “Alright, and what room are you in?”
SC: “Uh….I don’t know…”
Perhaps I should clarify. In order for me to assist you in connecting to the hotel’s wifi, you must actually be in the hotel and have paid for a room. Squatting behind the dumpster outside in the rain, clutching your pixiestick in one hand and a netbook in the other and trying to get a signal by pressing it against the wall does not qualify. I realize any common free hot spots such as the library or Starbucks may be closed at this hour, but trust me when I say that whatever unspeakable porn you’re trying to download will still be there in a couple of hours when Starbucks opens again. If there is one thing that is in utterly no danger of vanishing from the face of the Internet, its porn. So wait till Starbucks opens, then you can go back to being “The weird guy that smells odd, always sits in the corner with one hand under his coat, creeps out all the female employees, only ever orders a small espresso and doesn’t leave for like 4 hours”. You know, your true calling.
The Midas Touch
It seems even when I attempt to do good, I still bring misfortune. Although I am likewise also capable of offering salvation, if only to a select few.
As I was disembarking from my chariot this evening, the accursed dark jalopy which I ride to the Skytrain, there was a trio sitting right in front of the back doors. Being acutely Canadian, I paused to allow them to exit first. Their leader, also being acutely Canadian, informed me it was ok and I could go first. I, being acutely Canadian, said no, it was alright, he could go first. While the two of us were locked in this circular duel of overt politeness, one of his friends became annoyed and went for the door, turning to impart some sort of remark towards the both of us as she went-
-Annnnd the door closed just as she got to it, causing her to slam face first into as she turned around right at the last second. Her infinitely polite companion that I was sparring with on the matter of manners, turned back to me and went “Whoa, that could have been me.”. He then flashed me a thumbs up, as I had inadvertently spared him the pain and shame that had befallen his companion, and informed me “Thanks, score one for chivalry!”.
I’m not sure “chivalry” is the term for it when a woman slams face first into a door. But you are welcome none the less.
Oh Sweet Jesus
Now, far be it for me to dispense advice to strangers….again. But you have ordered three items and the colours you have selected are, and I quote, “Indigo Plaid”, “Aquarius Plaid” and “Picnic Plaid’. There is definitely a theme in the outfit you are trying to assembled. It’s just that this entire theme is questionable and seems specifically designed to sear the optic nerves of any species capable of perceiving more then two colours.
I couldn’t even begin to figure out what colours are involved in any of these “styles” and my only regret is that I bothered to go look. I will give you Picnic Plaid, that one did not illicit an “Oh god” from my lips upon viewing it in the catalog. However, I’m quite confident that Indigo Plaid can actually be viewed in 3D if one were to done the appropriate glasses to do so. I don’t mean these fancy new IMAX glasses all you whippersnappers use these days either. I mean the old school red and blue seizure glasses that taught a generation of 6 year olds what “chronic migraine” meant.
And before you go "Oh ha ha, GK, you so funny with your crazy exaggerations". I am NOT kidding. Look at it:
Oh, and she ordered a dress in this pattern.
I Put On My Robe and Wizard Hat
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Hi, is this the phone number that's been physically assaulting me?”
Oh, hello crazy lady. Been a while since your last check in. I actually haven’t heard from any of the regular crazies lately. I was beginning to worry. So, this phone number is assaulting you is it? Please, elaborate.
Me: “Excuse me?”
SC: “I’m not repeating myself.”
Then this will be a rather short conversation. Your initial statement was so bizarre I require an encore to determine if I heard it correctly. So that I can truly appreciate all the flavours of it’s lunacy.
Me: “I didn’t hear what you said”
SC: “Is this the number where someone has been physically hurting me from. That means my throat right now, I have a cold and sore throat.”
…and…this is my fault? Wait, let me get this straight. So you came down with a cold and sore throat, so you logically came to the conclusion that I’m a wizard?
Me: “…I don’t understand how a phone number could hurt you.”
SC: “Making me repeat something with a sore throat is not a kind thing to do. I’m asking a question.”
Neither is accusing me of Voodoo.
SC: “Why is someone hurting me and the baby, why am I being hurt all the time in the province of British Columbia by someone that’s pretending to be a kind person but isn’t. Why am I being hurt in a media sort of way using my information?”
Alright sooo….the media is out to get you and I’m a wizard?
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
SC: “This isn’t over <click>”
Now now, should you really be threatening an all powerful wizard such as myself? If you think the cold is bad, I can cast Bigby's Unending Taint Sweat up to 6 times a day before I need to rest and re-memorize it.
...right
SC: “Yeah, I need to talk to <lawyer>!”
Me: “Are you a client?”
SC: “Yeah”
Me: “Alright, are you in custody?”
SC: “No, but the police are after me for double murder!”
Ooookay. Just briefly glancing over the call logs for the last few days I see you’ve called a couple of times this week. However, the first time you were wanted for assault and then the second time you had moved on to manslaughter with the cops hot on your trail. Are you still on the lam for manslaughter? Or did it upgrade to homicide? And if so, did you somehow manage to whack someone else in the past 48 hours to bring it up to a double? That’s rather industrious of you.
Cross-Examination
SC: “I really need to speak with <lawyer>, its an emergency!”
Oh, hello completely different person standing next to the guy that called before whom I can still hear in the background. What can I do for you?
Me: “Alright, are you a client?”
SC: “Yeah yeah”
Me: “Are you in custody?”
SC: “No, but I’m gonna be.”
Me: “..You’re going to be?”
SC: “Oh yeah, the police are coming to arrest me.”
Me: “…..what for?”
SC: “Oh….uh….I like, um, beat up a bunch of guys or something. Yeah, assault. That’s it.”
I sincerely hope I’m correct in my assumption that you idiots are just messing with me. Because don't take this the wrong way, but I'm quite positive even Phoenix Wright could put you away inside of an hour.
Clever Girl
Me: “Good evening, <company>, how may I help you?”
SC: “Hello?”
Me: “Hi, may I help you?”
SC: “Hi, do you speak English?”
No, I crudely mimic English phrases to lure in prey. My days lurking on your pitiful planet have taught me a variety of useful calls to lure in meals including “Hello”, “May I help you” and “Free iPad”.
annnd...back to stress and suffering and what not. =p
Life of a Gamer
Me: “and the item number please?”
SC: “It’s 5505”
Me: “Alright, 5505?”
SC: “6547”
Me: “…..6547?”
SC: “No, 5505.”
Are you attempting to engage me in some sort of game? Because I there is a distinct lack of amusement emanating from my corner, and I am one who quite proudly bears the moniker of “gamer”. Implying someone who partakes in gaming. Typically at length and in absence of a girlfriend or life with only a cat to keep me company a-<cough> but yes, a gamer. I indulge in them, I know what they are, and this is not them. This is either you amusing your overly simplistic self at my expense or an unsettling window into the barren, Mars like landscape of your mind where a tiny, solar powered rover hibernates for months at a time just to store up enough power to continue its exploration for a clue.
Either way, I request an immediate stop to these shenanigans. Or there will be no pants for you today.
Priorities
Me: “It should arrive in about 2 weeks.”
SC: “Oooh, I hope I can afford it when it arrives.”
….you know, far be for me to dispense life advice to a total stranger such as yourself. But I would shuffle that particular item around to the first item on your checklist before placing an order. Not the last. Oddly enough, the vast majority of retail businesses do not operate on the Santa Principle. You do not place wishes and then hope that by the time he arrives, you have been sufficiently good to receive them.
What Did I Tell You About The Fist, Penis Thing?
SC: "I can't connect to the wifi."
Me: "Oh, alright, where at?"
SC: "<hotel name>"
Me: “Alright, and what room are you in?”
SC: “Uh….I don’t know…”
Perhaps I should clarify. In order for me to assist you in connecting to the hotel’s wifi, you must actually be in the hotel and have paid for a room. Squatting behind the dumpster outside in the rain, clutching your pixiestick in one hand and a netbook in the other and trying to get a signal by pressing it against the wall does not qualify. I realize any common free hot spots such as the library or Starbucks may be closed at this hour, but trust me when I say that whatever unspeakable porn you’re trying to download will still be there in a couple of hours when Starbucks opens again. If there is one thing that is in utterly no danger of vanishing from the face of the Internet, its porn. So wait till Starbucks opens, then you can go back to being “The weird guy that smells odd, always sits in the corner with one hand under his coat, creeps out all the female employees, only ever orders a small espresso and doesn’t leave for like 4 hours”. You know, your true calling.
The Midas Touch
It seems even when I attempt to do good, I still bring misfortune. Although I am likewise also capable of offering salvation, if only to a select few.
As I was disembarking from my chariot this evening, the accursed dark jalopy which I ride to the Skytrain, there was a trio sitting right in front of the back doors. Being acutely Canadian, I paused to allow them to exit first. Their leader, also being acutely Canadian, informed me it was ok and I could go first. I, being acutely Canadian, said no, it was alright, he could go first. While the two of us were locked in this circular duel of overt politeness, one of his friends became annoyed and went for the door, turning to impart some sort of remark towards the both of us as she went-
-Annnnd the door closed just as she got to it, causing her to slam face first into as she turned around right at the last second. Her infinitely polite companion that I was sparring with on the matter of manners, turned back to me and went “Whoa, that could have been me.”. He then flashed me a thumbs up, as I had inadvertently spared him the pain and shame that had befallen his companion, and informed me “Thanks, score one for chivalry!”.
I’m not sure “chivalry” is the term for it when a woman slams face first into a door. But you are welcome none the less.
Oh Sweet Jesus
Now, far be it for me to dispense advice to strangers….again. But you have ordered three items and the colours you have selected are, and I quote, “Indigo Plaid”, “Aquarius Plaid” and “Picnic Plaid’. There is definitely a theme in the outfit you are trying to assembled. It’s just that this entire theme is questionable and seems specifically designed to sear the optic nerves of any species capable of perceiving more then two colours.
I couldn’t even begin to figure out what colours are involved in any of these “styles” and my only regret is that I bothered to go look. I will give you Picnic Plaid, that one did not illicit an “Oh god” from my lips upon viewing it in the catalog. However, I’m quite confident that Indigo Plaid can actually be viewed in 3D if one were to done the appropriate glasses to do so. I don’t mean these fancy new IMAX glasses all you whippersnappers use these days either. I mean the old school red and blue seizure glasses that taught a generation of 6 year olds what “chronic migraine” meant.
And before you go "Oh ha ha, GK, you so funny with your crazy exaggerations". I am NOT kidding. Look at it:
Oh, and she ordered a dress in this pattern.
I Put On My Robe and Wizard Hat
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Hi, is this the phone number that's been physically assaulting me?”
Oh, hello crazy lady. Been a while since your last check in. I actually haven’t heard from any of the regular crazies lately. I was beginning to worry. So, this phone number is assaulting you is it? Please, elaborate.
Me: “Excuse me?”
SC: “I’m not repeating myself.”
Then this will be a rather short conversation. Your initial statement was so bizarre I require an encore to determine if I heard it correctly. So that I can truly appreciate all the flavours of it’s lunacy.
Me: “I didn’t hear what you said”
SC: “Is this the number where someone has been physically hurting me from. That means my throat right now, I have a cold and sore throat.”
…and…this is my fault? Wait, let me get this straight. So you came down with a cold and sore throat, so you logically came to the conclusion that I’m a wizard?
Me: “…I don’t understand how a phone number could hurt you.”
SC: “Making me repeat something with a sore throat is not a kind thing to do. I’m asking a question.”
Neither is accusing me of Voodoo.
SC: “Why is someone hurting me and the baby, why am I being hurt all the time in the province of British Columbia by someone that’s pretending to be a kind person but isn’t. Why am I being hurt in a media sort of way using my information?”
Alright sooo….the media is out to get you and I’m a wizard?
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
SC: “This isn’t over <click>”
Now now, should you really be threatening an all powerful wizard such as myself? If you think the cold is bad, I can cast Bigby's Unending Taint Sweat up to 6 times a day before I need to rest and re-memorize it.
...right
SC: “Yeah, I need to talk to <lawyer>!”
Me: “Are you a client?”
SC: “Yeah”
Me: “Alright, are you in custody?”
SC: “No, but the police are after me for double murder!”
Ooookay. Just briefly glancing over the call logs for the last few days I see you’ve called a couple of times this week. However, the first time you were wanted for assault and then the second time you had moved on to manslaughter with the cops hot on your trail. Are you still on the lam for manslaughter? Or did it upgrade to homicide? And if so, did you somehow manage to whack someone else in the past 48 hours to bring it up to a double? That’s rather industrious of you.
Cross-Examination
SC: “I really need to speak with <lawyer>, its an emergency!”
Oh, hello completely different person standing next to the guy that called before whom I can still hear in the background. What can I do for you?
Me: “Alright, are you a client?”
SC: “Yeah yeah”
Me: “Are you in custody?”
SC: “No, but I’m gonna be.”
Me: “..You’re going to be?”
SC: “Oh yeah, the police are coming to arrest me.”
Me: “…..what for?”
SC: “Oh….uh….I like, um, beat up a bunch of guys or something. Yeah, assault. That’s it.”
I sincerely hope I’m correct in my assumption that you idiots are just messing with me. Because don't take this the wrong way, but I'm quite positive even Phoenix Wright could put you away inside of an hour.
Clever Girl
Me: “Good evening, <company>, how may I help you?”
SC: “Hello?”
Me: “Hi, may I help you?”
SC: “Hi, do you speak English?”
No, I crudely mimic English phrases to lure in prey. My days lurking on your pitiful planet have taught me a variety of useful calls to lure in meals including “Hello”, “May I help you” and “Free iPad”.
annnd...back to stress and suffering and what not. =p
Everyone is making fun of me!
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