Funny police blotter edits

[JoitheArtist]

14. there was a report that a suspicious person was coming (came)into the office and made them uncomfortable. (really, in the same sentence? Choose one tense and stick to it!)

I'm currently editing a book for a friend that is 330 pages of mixed tenses. 330 PAGES. Oh, not to mention that he likes to write in bad "King James English" and rarely uses anything more than a comma.

*headdesk*

[HawaiianShirts]

11. a commuter student was physically assaulted (struck) by a vehicle.

Upon investigation, vehicle was found to be a study-abroad student from Cybertron.

[Primer]

17. a report was made that someone had stolen books from a prisoner's (professor's)office (I think this was an SOS message)

I know I frequently feel like a prisoner! (Check my "title.")

[Legal Eagle]

15. a female student reported that a male was following her. After further investigation, officers found the students were attending the same class.


I've been this guy, that's not a fun conversation.

[Snowbird]

6. a female commuter student reported that she lost her purse and its contents. (right now I can't help but imagine some crazy thief running through the halls with an armful of cosmetics.)

For some reason, I got the image of someone upturning the purse, dumping out everything and running off with it emptied, cackling madly, of course.

It sounds like the campus has their own version of the Keystone Cops in some of those tales.

[TheComputerError]

Ok, I'll bite. What's so incredible about the student without shoes? Granted, this could have been a good friend of mine, who did get stopped by campus police once when he was out on a walk. (He's really scruffy, this was 6am at the end of term, and he was just wandering around.)

It also makes it seem like the rain was not wearing shoes.

[El Pollo Guerrera]

Ten feet of surgical rubber tubing + solid anchoring to window frame ==>> one sling shot with serious mojo! Can you say "Water balloons at 100 paces?"

Oh, I have seen the havoc that can be wrought with surgical tubing...

Many, many years ago a group of friends decided to do some live-action wargame thing with padded armor, blunt swords and projectile weapons ("A" was running a gaming shop at the time). A few days before the event "B" brought in some tubing and explained his plan for a slingshot. "B" got "A" to hold the end of the tubing and then "B" stretched the tubing out for a good 40 feet. "B" then proceeded to taunt "A" with the superiority of his weaponry.

"A" let go of his end.

The recoil knocked "B" off of his feet.

Also, on the day of the event, "B" had another person help him set up his slingshot. "B" told other friend to 'hold this' (being the centre or 'load' of the slingshot) and then ran out with the 'ends' of the slingshot. The other friend was wearing hockey gloves... it was hot out... and his hand slipped out of the glove. "A" later described it as a 'perfect flying punch' as the glove flew straight and true and caught "B" square in the chest and knocked him on his ass again.

[MadMike]

Some of those "stupid" ones sound like they came from the police report in the paper for the neighboring rural county. Very little goes on over there, so they print every little thing, including mailboxes being vandalized or eggs being thrown at cars. My car accident happened there, so they even printed that. They spelled my name wrong, though.

[Jack]

Cement is glass.
Rugby is lacrosse.
Freedom is slavery.

[Flood]

Ok, I'll bite. What's so incredible about the student without shoes? Granted, this could have been a good friend of mine, who did get stopped by campus police once when he was out on a walk. (He's really scruffy, this was 6am at the end of term, and he was just wandering around.)

Cops must've been bored. I just imagine the following scene:

Cop1: Hey, that kid over there doesn't have shoes on.
Cop2: Nope.
Cop1: Isn't it raining out there?
Cop2: Looks like.
Cop1: Should we do something about it?
Cop2: I'll write a note that you observed it.

[Magpie]

Ok, I'll bite. What's so incredible about the student without shoes? Granted, this could have been a good friend of mine, who did get stopped by campus police once when he was out on a walk. (He's really scruffy, this was 6am at the end of term, and he was just wandering around.)

[dalesys]

12. On the 8th floor of _________ hall, a commuter student was hit in the head with an orange thrown by resident students on the sixth floor (remove: "on the 6th floor) , but there were no injuries described. (ummm...I don't get those physics.)

Ten feet of surgical rubber tubing + solid anchoring to window frame ==>> one sling shot with serious mojo! Can you say "Water balloons at 100 paces?"

[flutes_and_fabric]

I was asked if I could edit this month's police blotter for my University. Here are some of the unedited entries I received, as well as some that are perfectly fine, but just plain dumb. I think this should be placed here because I was payed for the job and they were my customers, if not sucky, at least stupid.

Stupid:
1. a student was observed walking in the rain without shoes.
2. a student was issued a Denial of Access to campus after being caught sleeping inside his car. (holy fuckballs, I do this all the time. I live an hour away and last semester I was on campus from 6am-11pm. Heck yeah I had a pillow and blanket in my car.)
3. three males were observed in a storm drain smoking something that they were passing between them. (I didn't realize storm drains could hold three males...not to mention the wonderful description of what they were doing)
4. a campus police staff member was transported to the hospital for injuries received in an accident with another campus police vehicle. (I feel very safe right now)
5. someone attmpted to take a bicycle that was chained to a bicycle rack.
6. a female commuter student reported that she lost her purse and its contents. (right now I can't help but imagine some crazy thief running through the halls with an armful of cosmetics.)
7. it was reported that a spoon was found in a men’s restroom
8. a staff member reported that an old plastic plant was missing. (campus kidnapping takes place!)
9. a report was made that a resident student may be harming themselves. Upon checking, the student was fine. (that was anticlimactic)
10. facilities management was called to knock down an igloo that students built (That was our igloo! No, I really did help with it. Sculpted a snow gargoyle.)
11. a commuter student was arrested for drinking an alcoholic beverage in the Library. (that's a study party I want in on)
12. a commuter student reported that an ex-boyfriend was seen on campus. (just a follow up on this one which police did not want posted in the blotter: the ex was arrested and later found to be a University student. He presented his student ID at the time of arrest, but was arrested anyway.)
13. someone stole a 55 gallon trash container.
14. a police officer backed into another vehicle (again, I feel so safe.)
15. a female student reported that a male was following her. After further investigation, officers found the students were attending the same class.
16. a police officer reported a lost badge which was later recovered (wtf is wrong with our police officers?)


un-edited: (edits in red. All edits were confirmed with campus police)
1.an exterior cement (glass) door was shattered.
2. Police received a report that a vehicle had paint scraped off of the right side of the car and (while it) was parked in the garage (I hope it's not illegal to have a scratched up car parked in a garage)
3. a commuter student was arrested for streaking during a University rugby (lacross) game. (...we don't have a rugby team.)
4. someone broke a cement (glass) panel in a door (really, wtf do they have against glass.)
5. unknown person(s) through (threw) a rock and broke two windows
6. a traffic accident occurred when a parking services attendant notified police that a parked car received damages. (Parking services informed police that an accident resulting in damages to a parked vehicle occurred in ________ Garage.) (The first one sounds like the parking services guy was run over or something after trying to report an accident.)
7. a parked (an unknown) vehicle struck a parked vehicle. (hm, I think someone's a little confused as to the meaning of the work "parked."
8. an unknown person kicked in (out) a study room window in _________ hall (the study rooms in that building are on the 4th floor. You'd need some serious talent to kick the window in.)
9. police investigated illegal identifications. (police investigated students in possession of fake IDs.)
10. too (two) males fled from a taxicab without paying their fare
11. a commuter student was physically assaulted (struck) by a vehicle. (physically assaulted...as apposed to what? verbally?)
12. On the 8th floor of _________ hall, a commuter student was hit in the head with an orange thrown by resident students on the sixth floor (remove: "on the 6th floor") , but there were no injuries described. (ummm...I don't get those physics.)
13. an intoxicated resident student was transported to the hospital for a confusion (contusion)on her forehead. (she could have been confused)
14. there was a report that a suspicious person was coming (came)into the office and made them uncomfortable. (really, in the same sentence? Choose one tense and stick to it!)
15. a small fire was reported in a microwave (toaster) oven (yeah...gummy bears in toaster ovens=fire. That's the only reason I noticed that typo...)
16. police assisted an intoxicated non-affiliate who fell (had fallen) and injured their (him)self. (argh. I hate bad grammar.)
17. a report was made that someone had stolen books from a prisoner's (professor's)office (I think this was an SOS message)