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The Plight Of Mr Fufukins
Oi...you know I only worked 3 shifts this week and still, STILL they haunt me.
Finally, My Reputation Proceeds Me
C: “Oh, I think I’ve called the wrong number.”
Me: “Alright-“
C: “Please forgive me!”
Very well, peasant. Normally I would not be so lenient, but seeing as you had the foresight to beg for mercy for your transgression from the get go. I will spare you, just this once.
But do not let this happen again, for I will not be so merciful a second time.
Sympathy
( This is all being delivered in a Punjabi accent. >< )
Me: “Good evening, <comp-“
SC: “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FUCKING SHITTY FUCKING SYSTEM!!!!!!!!@%&)@% FUCKING CREDIT CARDS!!”
It is difficult to be sympathetic and render assistance when these are the first words presented to me after I answer the line. Also, I will probably hang up on you. Because really, I am employed to specifically to do tier 1 support for this client. Not to be instructed on which objects I can insert into what orifice.
Me: “Good evening, <comp-“
SC: “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HANG UP ON ME?!”
Me: “Because you were swearing at me, sir. I will hang up on you again if you continue.”
SC: “FUCK YOU, MOTHER FUCKING FUCKER!$!*_&”
Ah, wait, I see what's going on here. You’re right, I am the one at fault here and surely deserve this juvenile tongue lashing. Without your credit card system working, your store cannot make enough money to cover your bills and expenses. Such as the ones for the anger management courses you surely must be attending if this call is any indication. Really, this crazed outburst is just an emergency release valve and the only thing preventing you from stabbing a street vendor in the face with a pen.
So very well sir, I shall accept your misplaced rage. If only to save the life of an unwitting taco vendor.
Clearly, This is Most Dire
SC: “He’s making a lot of noise up there!!”
Me: “Alright-“
SC: “EVEN THE CAT IS AFRAID!”
Oh, well, if even Mr Fufukins is afraid then it must be bad. I shall dispatch first responders immediately.
The Saga
SC: “Ish <lawyer> der?”
Oh lord. Not you again. Don’t you dare start this again. I am not in the mood for your particular brand of fuckery. Also, it’s 6:30 in the morning! How the hell are you already drunk?!
Me: “What’s your phone number please?”
SC: “Oh my gawwwhhdd. I don’ known ma own number.”
Well, at least one of us is surprised by this particular revelation.
Me: “They only take urgent calls this early, what’s the problem?”
SC: “Problem ish I wanna get a hold of em!!”
I would not classify that as urgent. I would not even qualify that as “mildly pressing”. In fact I believe our client classified it as, to quote, "an aggravating nuisance".
Me: “You’re going to have to be more specific, its 6:30 in the morning-“
SC: “Hesh not up?! I jush got up!! He should be!”
No, no he is not. It is 6:30am on a Saturday. Unlike you, he hasn’t been trapped in an unending loop of heavy drinking and random bouts of unconsciousness since, well, June. Also, I was working from the benefit of the doubt, assuming that maybe you were just on the last legs of another fantastic bender. But you say you just got up? So you somehow managed to achieve twice the legal blood alcohol limit between your bed and the phone?
That's rather impressive.
Me: “Well no, whats going on? Is it an emergency?”
SC: “Dish an emergnecy! I hafta go to court in a WEEK!”
Oh, well, in a week you say. Surely this is an emergency then! I mean there’s only 7 whole days left! Whatever will you do?! I shall rouse your lawyer from his slumber immediately and brief him on the gravity of the situation.
Gee, Wonder What You're Up Too?
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Steeeeeeven”
Me: “Is that with a V or a PH?”
SC: “Uh, Sssssss.”
My, you’re a swift one, aren’t you? Very well, Stesen. What would you like?
Me: “Alright, what size?”
SC: “….meeeeeeeeeeeedium.”
Me: “What colour?”
SC: “Blaaaaaaaaack, bro”
Are you sure you wouldn’t like something that goes with the colours you see trailing behind your hands right now? Perhaps yellow or pink? Something in a nice florescent? Though I warn you I don’t have anything in the colour “I CAN SEE GOD”.
Out With A Bang
C: “We have a deceased male here. Him and his girlfriend were having an, er....let's say intimate moment when went into cardiac arrest.“
Hey, if you've gotta go, at least go as a potential Fark headline.
It'd Hold Up In Court.....Right?
I wonder if there has even been a legal case where “Butchering Stairway to Heaven” has been used as a successful defense to an assault charge? Because there’s a street “musician” up around Granville that has piqued my interest in the matter.
You Don't Say
SC: “Hi, I rally need someonsh halp.”
….alright.
SC: “I think I lef ma keys at da liquor shtore.”
You know, it’s funny you should say that. As that was going to be my first guess. Well, ok maybe not that specifically. But I was quite confident a liquor store was going to be involved at some point in the story.
You're Not Helping
SC: “Someone put soap in the toilet.”
Me: “Alright…..and they need a plumber?”
SC: “I guess.”
Me: “Alright, sorry, it just doesn’t sound like something you'd really need a plumber for. What do they need to the plumber to do?”
SC: “I don’t know.”
Its this sort of concise, direct to the point answers that I truly appreciate when I’m gathering information for a potential service call. I especially enjoy scenarios where I’m put in the position of “Well, let’s call the on call service guy and see if he laughs in my face or not”. Those are my favourite. I like having a barometer of my job performance that involves a client’s bitter laughter and/or scorn.
And yes, he did end up putting down a few hundred for after hours emergency service. So I imagine the service guy was laughing at some point this evening.
Hot Tips
SC: “I just want you to know that Prince Charles is PC and Proud. He’s also known as Pedophile Charlie.”
Me: “…….”
SC: “At least that’s what Jesus calls him.”
Annnd there’s a phrase that should tell you absolutely everything you need to know about this individual caller. “At least that’s what Jesus calls him.”. Note the present tense. As if Jesus currently refers to Prince Charles by this affectionate pet name. Which….honestly seems a bit out of character for Jesus. But I mean, what do I know? He doesn’t talk to me on a daily basis, unlike a certain caller.
Seriously though, Jesus is worse at nick names then George Bush.
My Point Exactly
Me: "Alright, anything else?"
SC: "Uh, wait. You can talk to the woman. I'm not a girl so I don't know where the jackets are in the catalog."
Annnnnd that sums it up all quite nicely. Ye old rampant sexism in the nether regions of the continent. See there's one prevailing theme that tends to rear its ugly head in the majority of calls on this line. No, not drug abuse. Though that one ranks pretty high. No, I'm referring to the "YOU DO IT, WOMAN!" thing.
See 90% of the time, if a caller is female on this line, its because they're placing the order for a male. Who is typically in the background, barking shit at her like drunken French monarch. This is an almost universal truth amongst all the calls I've taken over the years. If the caller is female, they are performing the task for a loud, disinterested or angry male in the background. If the caller is male, its because they're single and/or their mom/sister isn't home.
So pencil that one onto the list of wonderful traits for this particular line. Along with the substance abuse, lack of education, ignorance, horrific cardboard chewing stupidity, complete lack of financial sense and the misappropriation of government funds for MP3 sunglasses.
I really, really hate this line sometimes. It'd be fine if there was some variety, but these are literally the only people that call. Literally. Absolutely no one else from no where else ever calls. Because everyone else has the sense to either use the website or call during sane hours.
annnd rest. Particularly tired today. Maybe more later. -.-
Finally, My Reputation Proceeds Me
C: “Oh, I think I’ve called the wrong number.”
Me: “Alright-“
C: “Please forgive me!”
Very well, peasant. Normally I would not be so lenient, but seeing as you had the foresight to beg for mercy for your transgression from the get go. I will spare you, just this once.
But do not let this happen again, for I will not be so merciful a second time.
Sympathy
( This is all being delivered in a Punjabi accent. >< )
Me: “Good evening, <comp-“
SC: “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FUCKING SHITTY FUCKING SYSTEM!!!!!!!!@%&)@% FUCKING CREDIT CARDS!!”
It is difficult to be sympathetic and render assistance when these are the first words presented to me after I answer the line. Also, I will probably hang up on you. Because really, I am employed to specifically to do tier 1 support for this client. Not to be instructed on which objects I can insert into what orifice.
Me: “Good evening, <comp-“
SC: “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HANG UP ON ME?!”
Me: “Because you were swearing at me, sir. I will hang up on you again if you continue.”
SC: “FUCK YOU, MOTHER FUCKING FUCKER!$!*_&”
Ah, wait, I see what's going on here. You’re right, I am the one at fault here and surely deserve this juvenile tongue lashing. Without your credit card system working, your store cannot make enough money to cover your bills and expenses. Such as the ones for the anger management courses you surely must be attending if this call is any indication. Really, this crazed outburst is just an emergency release valve and the only thing preventing you from stabbing a street vendor in the face with a pen.
So very well sir, I shall accept your misplaced rage. If only to save the life of an unwitting taco vendor.
Clearly, This is Most Dire
SC: “He’s making a lot of noise up there!!”
Me: “Alright-“
SC: “EVEN THE CAT IS AFRAID!”
Oh, well, if even Mr Fufukins is afraid then it must be bad. I shall dispatch first responders immediately.
The Saga
SC: “Ish <lawyer> der?”
Oh lord. Not you again. Don’t you dare start this again. I am not in the mood for your particular brand of fuckery. Also, it’s 6:30 in the morning! How the hell are you already drunk?!
Me: “What’s your phone number please?”
SC: “Oh my gawwwhhdd. I don’ known ma own number.”
Well, at least one of us is surprised by this particular revelation.
Me: “They only take urgent calls this early, what’s the problem?”
SC: “Problem ish I wanna get a hold of em!!”
I would not classify that as urgent. I would not even qualify that as “mildly pressing”. In fact I believe our client classified it as, to quote, "an aggravating nuisance".
Me: “You’re going to have to be more specific, its 6:30 in the morning-“
SC: “Hesh not up?! I jush got up!! He should be!”
No, no he is not. It is 6:30am on a Saturday. Unlike you, he hasn’t been trapped in an unending loop of heavy drinking and random bouts of unconsciousness since, well, June. Also, I was working from the benefit of the doubt, assuming that maybe you were just on the last legs of another fantastic bender. But you say you just got up? So you somehow managed to achieve twice the legal blood alcohol limit between your bed and the phone?
That's rather impressive.
Me: “Well no, whats going on? Is it an emergency?”
SC: “Dish an emergnecy! I hafta go to court in a WEEK!”
Oh, well, in a week you say. Surely this is an emergency then! I mean there’s only 7 whole days left! Whatever will you do?! I shall rouse your lawyer from his slumber immediately and brief him on the gravity of the situation.
Gee, Wonder What You're Up Too?
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Steeeeeeven”
Me: “Is that with a V or a PH?”
SC: “Uh, Sssssss.”
My, you’re a swift one, aren’t you? Very well, Stesen. What would you like?
Me: “Alright, what size?”
SC: “….meeeeeeeeeeeedium.”
Me: “What colour?”
SC: “Blaaaaaaaaack, bro”
Are you sure you wouldn’t like something that goes with the colours you see trailing behind your hands right now? Perhaps yellow or pink? Something in a nice florescent? Though I warn you I don’t have anything in the colour “I CAN SEE GOD”.
Out With A Bang
C: “We have a deceased male here. Him and his girlfriend were having an, er....let's say intimate moment when went into cardiac arrest.“
Hey, if you've gotta go, at least go as a potential Fark headline.
It'd Hold Up In Court.....Right?
I wonder if there has even been a legal case where “Butchering Stairway to Heaven” has been used as a successful defense to an assault charge? Because there’s a street “musician” up around Granville that has piqued my interest in the matter.
You Don't Say
SC: “Hi, I rally need someonsh halp.”
….alright.
SC: “I think I lef ma keys at da liquor shtore.”
You know, it’s funny you should say that. As that was going to be my first guess. Well, ok maybe not that specifically. But I was quite confident a liquor store was going to be involved at some point in the story.
You're Not Helping
SC: “Someone put soap in the toilet.”
Me: “Alright…..and they need a plumber?”
SC: “I guess.”
Me: “Alright, sorry, it just doesn’t sound like something you'd really need a plumber for. What do they need to the plumber to do?”
SC: “I don’t know.”
Its this sort of concise, direct to the point answers that I truly appreciate when I’m gathering information for a potential service call. I especially enjoy scenarios where I’m put in the position of “Well, let’s call the on call service guy and see if he laughs in my face or not”. Those are my favourite. I like having a barometer of my job performance that involves a client’s bitter laughter and/or scorn.
And yes, he did end up putting down a few hundred for after hours emergency service. So I imagine the service guy was laughing at some point this evening.
Hot Tips
SC: “I just want you to know that Prince Charles is PC and Proud. He’s also known as Pedophile Charlie.”
Me: “…….”
SC: “At least that’s what Jesus calls him.”
Annnd there’s a phrase that should tell you absolutely everything you need to know about this individual caller. “At least that’s what Jesus calls him.”. Note the present tense. As if Jesus currently refers to Prince Charles by this affectionate pet name. Which….honestly seems a bit out of character for Jesus. But I mean, what do I know? He doesn’t talk to me on a daily basis, unlike a certain caller.
Seriously though, Jesus is worse at nick names then George Bush.
My Point Exactly
Me: "Alright, anything else?"
SC: "Uh, wait. You can talk to the woman. I'm not a girl so I don't know where the jackets are in the catalog."
Annnnnd that sums it up all quite nicely. Ye old rampant sexism in the nether regions of the continent. See there's one prevailing theme that tends to rear its ugly head in the majority of calls on this line. No, not drug abuse. Though that one ranks pretty high. No, I'm referring to the "YOU DO IT, WOMAN!" thing.
See 90% of the time, if a caller is female on this line, its because they're placing the order for a male. Who is typically in the background, barking shit at her like drunken French monarch. This is an almost universal truth amongst all the calls I've taken over the years. If the caller is female, they are performing the task for a loud, disinterested or angry male in the background. If the caller is male, its because they're single and/or their mom/sister isn't home.
So pencil that one onto the list of wonderful traits for this particular line. Along with the substance abuse, lack of education, ignorance, horrific cardboard chewing stupidity, complete lack of financial sense and the misappropriation of government funds for MP3 sunglasses.
I really, really hate this line sometimes. It'd be fine if there was some variety, but these are literally the only people that call. Literally. Absolutely no one else from no where else ever calls. Because everyone else has the sense to either use the website or call during sane hours.
annnd rest. Particularly tired today. Maybe more later. -.-
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