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Thanks, Mom.
Ew ew ew ew ew >.>
How To Survive The Apocalypse
SC: “Is this jacket warm?”
Me: “I’m afraid I wouldn't know first hand.”
SC: “Oh…uh….one sec…………….<in the background> DOES THIS LOOK WARM!?!?”
SC2: “<background> I dunno.”
SC: “JUST FUCKIN' LOOK AT IT AND TELL ME!!”
Some nights I’m sincerely glad I am merely an observer to these strange cosmic experiments that seem to be occurring in the north. As what we have here is literally two grown human beings who, despite combining the admittedly faint power of both of their minds, cannot figure out if a jacket looks “warm”.
If you require further illumination as to how desperate the situation is up there I would submit the product description in the catalog. Which indicates the jacket has a quilted thermal layer for extra warmth in cold seasons. This evidence seems to suggest that our subjects are attempting to devise the use and effectiveness of products from the pictures alone. Forgoing any attempt at actual reading. Which possibly has a similar affect on them as a crucifix does on a vampire.
Catalogs and other picture infused books are probably the very limit of their tolerance. Tossing a Reader’s Digest at them would likely cause them to burst into flames. So keep that in mind, gentle readers. For when the end times begin and the dark hordes of the north shambling southward to fill our streets with their ravenous hunger, it is not the shotgun you should reach for. It is the bookshelf.
At Last!
C: “You’re the best! You are awesome! I wish you the best of everything!”
Me: “….Thanks.”
Finally, someone, somehow has recognized my true glory and submitted themselves before me in reverent prostration. Yes, it’s just a cruise ship agent from Alaska. But I’ll take what I can get. World domination via false idolatry has to start somewhere.
The Elder
Me: “Alright, and the item number please?”
SC: “....I don’t know.”
Ah, my apologies. You must be one of the Elders of the northern hordes. The oldest, wisest and most powerful. And thus also the most vulnerable as your curse is the deepest. The lesser creatures amongst you even if they cannot read words, can still rattle off numbers in order to summon the clothing that helps them pass for regular humans. But you, you can’t even read numbers can you? So great is your strength now, yet as equally powerful are your weaknesses: Words, numbers and child proof caps on medicine bottles.
Noble Sacrifice
I barely avoided an entirely different form of death this evening. The intellectual sort. For there, on the Skytrain, was one of the most feared, most persistent and most deplorable creatures to wander public transit: The Talker. You likely know this creature. You have encountered it at some point in your life in public. This is the person that is under the tragically mistaken impression that because you are within 15 feet of them, this means you really really like them and clearly want to talk to them. And by “to them” I mean they really just want to wander over and make mouth sounds at you. Until you finally get sick of it and tell them off. At which point they will act offended and make additional mouth sounds about how rude you are.
But I was lucky! Between me and this most fearsome beast was a security guard from Paladin Security. So I salute you, nameless security guard from Paladin Security, for you unwittingly took the bullet for me and bore the brunt of the creature’s dribble. It appears it really took a shine to you too, as it got off the Skytrain with you and kept following you. You tried to ignore it. You never said a single word to it. But you made one fatal mistake: Much like a bear, the Talker will eventually lose interest if you play dead ( Though it may maul you for a bit to make sure ). But you were standing on the Skytrain. If you had been sitting or at the very least collapsed on the floor and didn’t move, you may have escaped.
......
Me: “And what’s the promo code you were given?”
SC: “The promo is <code>”
Me: “<code>? Is that upper case or lower case?”
SC: “…...I don’t know.”
Me: “…you don’t know if they’re upper case or lower case letters?”
SC: “.......I don’t know what that means.”
Me: “...…big letters or little letters?”
SC: “Ooooooh, little letters.”
School still exists right? I mean, there is an education system right? The 12 years I spent there weren't just a bizarre fever dream...right?
.......Right? Hello?
You Picked The Wrong Person
( This guy is one of our clients. His security company called me to tell me there was an intrusion alarm at his office. I called him and told him.... )
C: “Oh hi, you just called me about a burglar alarm at the office?”
Me: “Yes?”
C: “Well I’m at the office now, can you stay on the line? So if something happens to me, you can call 911.”
…let me get this straight: Your security company calls me to say there’s a burglar alarm at your office. I call you to tell you. You decide to go check it out yourself rather than sending the security patrol or calling the police. And the call me rather than the security company or the police as your life insurance?
I mean, seriously? Your life is potentially in danger, you need a backup plan to save your sorry hide, and the first person that leaps to mind is “What about that guy that wakes me up at 3am to give me messages?”. Never mind that it’s me specifically you’re relying on here. The disgruntled CSR whose mercy and compassion for the average caller hovers around a level history normally reserves for Attila the Hun.
( I should point out, for the full effect, that the security company's procedure list causes them to dispatch the police before contacting him. Which means he specifically called them back and told them not too. )
Friendship
SC: "Yeah, my friend Frank here forgot his keys. So he can't get into his suite. He lives on the floor above me."
Me: "Oh, alright. What’s his last name, please?”
SC: “Oh, I don’t know.”
Me: "...you don't know his last name?"
SC: "No, he lives upstairs.'
Me: "In what suite?"
SC: "I don't know."
No offense, but I'm beginning to doubt the bonds of friendship which tie the two of you together.
You Do Realize I Have A Call Counter, Right?
Me: “Are you calling to book a hotel room?”
SC: “Well I WAS! But I’ve been on hold for 15 minutes!”
You’ve been on hold for approximately 1 minutes, 37 seconds according to the counter. Which makes this a rather odd disparity. Granted, you are standing in an airport……Normally I would make some crack about a singularity or other time distorting affect at your location. Because I am a nerd and enjoy the pointless application of science. However, airports really do have some sort of inherent time distortion that has yet to be explained by the science in question. I do not believe the phenomena even has a name yet. So for the time being I will refer to it as a Time Airport Relativity Distortion or T.A.R.D. or shor-....er, wait. Ok, how about a Time Wasting Airport Telecommunication or T.W.....ok, maybe not. Hmm...this is harder then I thought. Right, I can do this. Ok, lets call this a Call Unifying Negative Temporal Fusing Or Selective Sense In Length or C.U.N.T.F.O.S.S.I.L. for short, yeah, there g-....er...ok perhaps not. Right, lets just let science name it.
Regardless, it would be heartless of me to joke about it. As you are clearly cruelly trapped within its unyielding grasp. Luckily for you, I am heartless. So pick a direction and start walking. You should hit the event horizon eventually! Granted everyone you know and love, if not society itself, may have long since crumbled to dust by the time you emerge.
...Really? I Mean, Really?
SC: “Yeah, I’ve been detained in Canada and they’re sending me back. But I have dual citizenship in the US and Italy. But there's a warrant out for my arrest in the US...so if I cross the border, will I get arrested? Cus otherwise I'll go back to Italy.”
Did you seriously just call me at <US.gov related office> to ask for advice on how to avoid your warrant in the US? I’m not sure I can accurately frame how colossally stupid this is in a way that you could possibly fathom. Mostly because you are colossally stupid. This is a rather difficult hurdle for me to overcome. As I must now attempt to construct an analogy that can be grasped by someone of your intellectual caliber. Hmm….
Ok, you asking me this question is akin to someone asking you: “Hurr, do round peg go in square hole!?”. Does that help? Yes? No? Not getting it? Hmmm….gotta set the bar even lower…..ok how about: “DO FIAR BURN?!”. Got it now? No? Not helping? Kinda get it but still a little puzzled? Hmmmm…..right, ok, how about: “R SKY BLU?!”. Got it now? Really? Good! Now you understand how much of an idiot you are and we can all move on with our respective lives.
Of which I’m sure several years of yours are about to be spent in a penal facility.
...ok?
SC: “Harry is pissed! You tell them that! Tell them Harry is pissed!”
….Alright? I don’t personally know this “Harry” nor what sort of power he wields. I’m sure the name will invoke unspeakable terror to the on call technician. But it really has no effect on me to be honest. I do not know who or what Harry is. Nor why his mood should serve as a dire threat. Perhaps “Harry” is a shark. Or a bear. Or a Bear Shark. Is Harry a Bear Shark? Because that would frighten me, and I could then understand the direness of this threat. Which would cause me to move with the appropriate urgency.
Thanks, Mom.
( The girl in question cannot be older than 11 >< ).
This evening I heard two phrases on the Skytrain, spoken from mother to daughter, that I never, ever wish to hear again. The first was “Did you see me and your dad getting’ frisky?”. The second was “Because oh man, your dad just gave it hard to me and Mark later that night.”.
I am not even going to attempt to extrapolate events from any of that in the interests of decency and maintaining sanity. I will just let it stand as is and let the power of imagination take you to places you do not want to go.
Though I will pose but one question: Mark?
annnnd rest.
How To Survive The Apocalypse
SC: “Is this jacket warm?”
Me: “I’m afraid I wouldn't know first hand.”
SC: “Oh…uh….one sec…………….<in the background> DOES THIS LOOK WARM!?!?”
SC2: “<background> I dunno.”
SC: “JUST FUCKIN' LOOK AT IT AND TELL ME!!”
Some nights I’m sincerely glad I am merely an observer to these strange cosmic experiments that seem to be occurring in the north. As what we have here is literally two grown human beings who, despite combining the admittedly faint power of both of their minds, cannot figure out if a jacket looks “warm”.
If you require further illumination as to how desperate the situation is up there I would submit the product description in the catalog. Which indicates the jacket has a quilted thermal layer for extra warmth in cold seasons. This evidence seems to suggest that our subjects are attempting to devise the use and effectiveness of products from the pictures alone. Forgoing any attempt at actual reading. Which possibly has a similar affect on them as a crucifix does on a vampire.
Catalogs and other picture infused books are probably the very limit of their tolerance. Tossing a Reader’s Digest at them would likely cause them to burst into flames. So keep that in mind, gentle readers. For when the end times begin and the dark hordes of the north shambling southward to fill our streets with their ravenous hunger, it is not the shotgun you should reach for. It is the bookshelf.
At Last!
C: “You’re the best! You are awesome! I wish you the best of everything!”
Me: “….Thanks.”
Finally, someone, somehow has recognized my true glory and submitted themselves before me in reverent prostration. Yes, it’s just a cruise ship agent from Alaska. But I’ll take what I can get. World domination via false idolatry has to start somewhere.
The Elder
Me: “Alright, and the item number please?”
SC: “....I don’t know.”
Ah, my apologies. You must be one of the Elders of the northern hordes. The oldest, wisest and most powerful. And thus also the most vulnerable as your curse is the deepest. The lesser creatures amongst you even if they cannot read words, can still rattle off numbers in order to summon the clothing that helps them pass for regular humans. But you, you can’t even read numbers can you? So great is your strength now, yet as equally powerful are your weaknesses: Words, numbers and child proof caps on medicine bottles.
Noble Sacrifice
I barely avoided an entirely different form of death this evening. The intellectual sort. For there, on the Skytrain, was one of the most feared, most persistent and most deplorable creatures to wander public transit: The Talker. You likely know this creature. You have encountered it at some point in your life in public. This is the person that is under the tragically mistaken impression that because you are within 15 feet of them, this means you really really like them and clearly want to talk to them. And by “to them” I mean they really just want to wander over and make mouth sounds at you. Until you finally get sick of it and tell them off. At which point they will act offended and make additional mouth sounds about how rude you are.
But I was lucky! Between me and this most fearsome beast was a security guard from Paladin Security. So I salute you, nameless security guard from Paladin Security, for you unwittingly took the bullet for me and bore the brunt of the creature’s dribble. It appears it really took a shine to you too, as it got off the Skytrain with you and kept following you. You tried to ignore it. You never said a single word to it. But you made one fatal mistake: Much like a bear, the Talker will eventually lose interest if you play dead ( Though it may maul you for a bit to make sure ). But you were standing on the Skytrain. If you had been sitting or at the very least collapsed on the floor and didn’t move, you may have escaped.
......
Me: “And what’s the promo code you were given?”
SC: “The promo is <code>”
Me: “<code>? Is that upper case or lower case?”
SC: “…...I don’t know.”
Me: “…you don’t know if they’re upper case or lower case letters?”
SC: “.......I don’t know what that means.”
Me: “...…big letters or little letters?”
SC: “Ooooooh, little letters.”
School still exists right? I mean, there is an education system right? The 12 years I spent there weren't just a bizarre fever dream...right?
.......Right? Hello?
You Picked The Wrong Person
( This guy is one of our clients. His security company called me to tell me there was an intrusion alarm at his office. I called him and told him.... )
C: “Oh hi, you just called me about a burglar alarm at the office?”
Me: “Yes?”
C: “Well I’m at the office now, can you stay on the line? So if something happens to me, you can call 911.”
…let me get this straight: Your security company calls me to say there’s a burglar alarm at your office. I call you to tell you. You decide to go check it out yourself rather than sending the security patrol or calling the police. And the call me rather than the security company or the police as your life insurance?
I mean, seriously? Your life is potentially in danger, you need a backup plan to save your sorry hide, and the first person that leaps to mind is “What about that guy that wakes me up at 3am to give me messages?”. Never mind that it’s me specifically you’re relying on here. The disgruntled CSR whose mercy and compassion for the average caller hovers around a level history normally reserves for Attila the Hun.
( I should point out, for the full effect, that the security company's procedure list causes them to dispatch the police before contacting him. Which means he specifically called them back and told them not too. )
Friendship
SC: "Yeah, my friend Frank here forgot his keys. So he can't get into his suite. He lives on the floor above me."
Me: "Oh, alright. What’s his last name, please?”
SC: “Oh, I don’t know.”
Me: "...you don't know his last name?"
SC: "No, he lives upstairs.'
Me: "In what suite?"
SC: "I don't know."
No offense, but I'm beginning to doubt the bonds of friendship which tie the two of you together.
You Do Realize I Have A Call Counter, Right?
Me: “Are you calling to book a hotel room?”
SC: “Well I WAS! But I’ve been on hold for 15 minutes!”
You’ve been on hold for approximately 1 minutes, 37 seconds according to the counter. Which makes this a rather odd disparity. Granted, you are standing in an airport……Normally I would make some crack about a singularity or other time distorting affect at your location. Because I am a nerd and enjoy the pointless application of science. However, airports really do have some sort of inherent time distortion that has yet to be explained by the science in question. I do not believe the phenomena even has a name yet. So for the time being I will refer to it as a Time Airport Relativity Distortion or T.A.R.D. or shor-....er, wait. Ok, how about a Time Wasting Airport Telecommunication or T.W.....ok, maybe not. Hmm...this is harder then I thought. Right, I can do this. Ok, lets call this a Call Unifying Negative Temporal Fusing Or Selective Sense In Length or C.U.N.T.F.O.S.S.I.L. for short, yeah, there g-....er...ok perhaps not. Right, lets just let science name it.
Regardless, it would be heartless of me to joke about it. As you are clearly cruelly trapped within its unyielding grasp. Luckily for you, I am heartless. So pick a direction and start walking. You should hit the event horizon eventually! Granted everyone you know and love, if not society itself, may have long since crumbled to dust by the time you emerge.
...Really? I Mean, Really?
SC: “Yeah, I’ve been detained in Canada and they’re sending me back. But I have dual citizenship in the US and Italy. But there's a warrant out for my arrest in the US...so if I cross the border, will I get arrested? Cus otherwise I'll go back to Italy.”
Did you seriously just call me at <US.gov related office> to ask for advice on how to avoid your warrant in the US? I’m not sure I can accurately frame how colossally stupid this is in a way that you could possibly fathom. Mostly because you are colossally stupid. This is a rather difficult hurdle for me to overcome. As I must now attempt to construct an analogy that can be grasped by someone of your intellectual caliber. Hmm….
Ok, you asking me this question is akin to someone asking you: “Hurr, do round peg go in square hole!?”. Does that help? Yes? No? Not getting it? Hmmm….gotta set the bar even lower…..ok how about: “DO FIAR BURN?!”. Got it now? No? Not helping? Kinda get it but still a little puzzled? Hmmmm…..right, ok, how about: “R SKY BLU?!”. Got it now? Really? Good! Now you understand how much of an idiot you are and we can all move on with our respective lives.
Of which I’m sure several years of yours are about to be spent in a penal facility.
...ok?
SC: “Harry is pissed! You tell them that! Tell them Harry is pissed!”
….Alright? I don’t personally know this “Harry” nor what sort of power he wields. I’m sure the name will invoke unspeakable terror to the on call technician. But it really has no effect on me to be honest. I do not know who or what Harry is. Nor why his mood should serve as a dire threat. Perhaps “Harry” is a shark. Or a bear. Or a Bear Shark. Is Harry a Bear Shark? Because that would frighten me, and I could then understand the direness of this threat. Which would cause me to move with the appropriate urgency.
Thanks, Mom.
( The girl in question cannot be older than 11 >< ).
This evening I heard two phrases on the Skytrain, spoken from mother to daughter, that I never, ever wish to hear again. The first was “Did you see me and your dad getting’ frisky?”. The second was “Because oh man, your dad just gave it hard to me and Mark later that night.”.
I am not even going to attempt to extrapolate events from any of that in the interests of decency and maintaining sanity. I will just let it stand as is and let the power of imagination take you to places you do not want to go.
Though I will pose but one question: Mark?
annnnd rest.
all around. 
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