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It is once again that time.
That Is Not The Point
( I can barely make out a word she's saying. Finally I give up.. )
Me: “I’m sorry, but the line is very bad-“
SC: “But, I can still hear you!”
Good for you. I on the other hand can only hear all 3 acts of Madame Butterfly being performed concurrently by a thousand bees. You must be hearing at least some of it as well. Seeing as you actually began that sentence with “But”. Which is beside the point. My problem here is not that I can’t make out some of your words. It’s that my skull is being unpleasantly violated by every other sound besides your words. Whereas normally on this line, it is only being violated by your words alone.
I can only take so much.
Yes Or No
At least 8 people this evening responded to the question “Do you have a customer ID number?” with a sentence that began with “Probably, but-“. I would just like to take a moment to express my frustration and loathing for these people and attempt to find some way I might curse, hex or otherwise place some kind of supernatural pox upon the genitals of them and all they love. Unfortunately, my attempts to locate such services online have yielded very little. Or more specifically, black magic appears to require a credit card and it is difficult to have any confidence in a hex when it requires $9.99 per target.
So I will merely sit here and hope that my dark, roiling thoughts can somehow inspire some sort of tick or lice to migrate into their home en mass and turn its attention solely south of the border.
So Close
Me: “And how many tickets would you like?”
SC: “One,please.”
Me: “......Alright-“
SC: “The lucky one.”
Me: “….”
SC: “….....you know, just like everyone else has probably already asked for.”
Me: "Indeed."
Yes, thank you. At least one you poor sods has finally grasped the fact that your attempts at humour are redundant, generic and distinctly unwelcome. You’re finally beginning to understand that we have already heard your joke thousands of times and the only reaction hearing it again illicit is scorn. Do you really want your tickets to be full of scorn? Scorn isn’t very lucky.
I will commend you for coming to this realization. However, you still came too it 10 seconds too late. I hope you enjoy lice.
Cultural Relations
I think I spent around 5 minutes at Granville station this evening trying to coax a Japanese girl out onto the street as one would a stray kitten from under a porch. I…really don’t know how this came about exactly. As all she did initially was ask me for directions ( I have glasses on, remember. This means I know everything. ). However, she seemed to instinctively sense the overwhelming terror and lunacy that is Granville street and dug her heels in at the door of the station in wide eyed fear. It took some convincing to get her to step out onto it. I can’t really say I blame her all things considered. If it wasn’t for the fact I work downtown at this hour, I wouldn’t come anywhere near Granville street after dark either.
No.
Me: "Alright, your tickets should ar-"
SC: “You make sure I win.
…right, ok, two quick points if I may. First of all, do not deliver that sort of statement to me without subtly indicating that you are prepared to wire a substantial amount of funds into an unnamed offshore bank account. Second of all, I really have no ability to ensure that you win. However, I would advise you to keep in mind that I can make sure you lose.
Seriously, Every Other Call
Another rather alarming trend that I’m growing quite curious about……why do so many people phone up while sitting home alone, in the dark, without their glasses on? Inevitably almost every other caller on this line always makes a comment about having to get their glasses and/or turn on a light when it comes time to read their credit card number. Now, I fully accept that if you’re willing to drop over a hundred dollars on a lottery at 3am then it’s likely your life didn’t exactly end up where you thought it would when you were young. And indeed you may be sitting alone, in the dark, without your glasses on. Weeping silently into a 4 litre bucket of Rocky Road and listening to a rerun of Dr Phil with your penis in your hand. But that said, you should still at least have the foresight to flick a light on before you call. As you will likely have to read something out loud to me.
Arctic Intermission
Speaking of a wasted life that has ended in sadness and silent weeping in a dark room with a bucket of ice cream to try and make the pain stop, you have just spent over $300 on baseball caps. Granted, there wasn’t any sadness involved on the surface. In fact, the caps may be your ice cream in this scenario. The one thing that soothes you and makes life bearable. But still, dude, seriously….over $300 on baseball caps? You need a hobby. Preferably one more complex than discovering what objects will and will not fit on top of your head.
Stop. Trying. To. Be. Funny.
Me: “How many tickets would you like?”
SC: “How many are left?”
Around $1,600,000 worth. And while you would grant me the most precious of dreams by ending this purgatory neigh instantly, I highly doubt your Canadian Tire Visa has that kind of credit limit.
Northern Analysis
Me: “And which catalog are you ordering from?”
This is a simple question, right? If I asked you this question, you would glance at the cover of the catalog and go “Summer 2010”, right? You wouldn’t have any problems trying to figure out the meaning of my words, right? It shouldn’t take 2 people several minutes to answer this question, right? Right. So after several minutes of muttering, discussion, page flipping and abject confusion I felt I should intervene:
Me: “Alright, look at the front of the catalog. What season does it say? Summer? Spring?”
SC: “Uh….uhhhhhhh….Skull Candy?”
You think I’m joking when I rant about these callers, don’t you? You laugh at my ranting but somewhere in the back of your mind you cling to the thought “Well it’s just one or two bad calls he gets at night, it’s not like they’re all like that”. YES THEY ARE. They are really all this stupid. Just think about it for a moment. These places have populations of between 400-700 people. Now think about how long they’ve been there. Really think about it. How many generations have passed? Quite a few, right? Yet look at the size of the population. Do you know what that means?
It means everybody is everybody else’s cousin. That’s what it means. The gene pool has been stretched as far as it can possibly go and there’s certainly no fresh water being added. Never mind chlorine.
They're phoning from a genetic echo chamber.
A Cunning Ruse
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Frank”
…odd, I just placed an order for a Frank from the same number with the same address…but you are not him. Not unless he had gender reassignment surgery in the last 10 minutes.
Me: “....Aright, are you Frank, or are you placing an order for Frank?”
SC: “Placing an order for him”
Me: “Alright, may I speak with Frank, please?”
SC: “Uhh….sure. Hang on <cough>, Hello?”
……..yes, our cunning mastermind here just cleared her throat and obviously tried to talk lower in an attempt to imitate a phone hand off to Frank. And I really can’t figure out what the worst part is. The fact she came up with this plan to begin with, or the fact she seriously thought it would work.
Genetic echo chamber.
28 Hours Later
( Seriously this guy is calling 28 hours after the deadline. )
SC: “Am I in time for the deadline?”
…..please stop. My brains capacity to withstand and process idiocy is already at critical levels this evening. I fear if you push it much further my brain to mouth filter may begin to fail. And that will end only in hurt feelings and unemployment. Possibly criminal charges.
Cultural Relations
An encounter on the way here this evening has ended with me being declared officially 1/4th Black. I attempted to object due to my overwhelming white nerdiness. But I had successfully passed both the Terrorist Fist Bump(tm) test and a series of skill testing questions about rap and reggae.
This is an odd city.....but sometimes it does amuse me greatly.
...What?
( This guy wants a quote for a massive home renovation...we're talking a $50,000 job. )
SC: “Yeah, can you just have them come by and leave a quote in my mailbox?”
Me: “…I think they would actually have to speak with you first.”
SC: “Oh, well forget it then.”
This…seems like a strangely clandestine way of trying to arrange home renovations. I don’t want to talk to anyone, just come by, prowl around inside my house in the dead of night and slip a figure scribbled in lipstick on a napkin from a local restaurant into my mailbox? It makes me wonder how you order pizza. I can’t imagine you call for it. You probably have to break into Pizza Hut in the dead of night and leave a series of cryptic clues strewn about the place. Like hiding a series of playing cards throughout the establishment. Each one with an anagram of a topping on it. Except for the Joker, which indicates only a time. Specifically, the time you will call and whisper the address of the location you left the brown paper bag full of the $26.50 for your two medium pizzas in.
Takin' Our JERBS
SC: “Both manuals in the box are in Spanish, I AIN'T NO &*%# SPANIARD!!!@#$*&!”
….duly noted. I would point out the manual is probably more for Mexicans than actual Spaniards, but seeing as you’re calling from the Texas, such a correction would have a roughly 1 in 3 chance of triggering an immigration rant. Which may or may not end in a shooting. So I shall let it pass. Lest you figure out I’m in Canada, and thus foreign, and turn your ire on me as well.
Of Course, Let Me Help You With That
SC: "There was no manual in the box, and its too big for me to download from your website. Can you just walk me through it?"
You want me to walk you through the 75 page manual of a major home renovation product with over 60 pieces that at several points requires exact measurements and a table saw, thus opening myself and the client up to liability for any financial or physical damage caused........and you want me to do this on a line where the client is charged, by us, per minute for this call?
Of course! I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
annnnd rest.
That Is Not The Point
( I can barely make out a word she's saying. Finally I give up.. )
Me: “I’m sorry, but the line is very bad-“
SC: “But, I can still hear you!”
Good for you. I on the other hand can only hear all 3 acts of Madame Butterfly being performed concurrently by a thousand bees. You must be hearing at least some of it as well. Seeing as you actually began that sentence with “But”. Which is beside the point. My problem here is not that I can’t make out some of your words. It’s that my skull is being unpleasantly violated by every other sound besides your words. Whereas normally on this line, it is only being violated by your words alone.
I can only take so much.
Yes Or No
At least 8 people this evening responded to the question “Do you have a customer ID number?” with a sentence that began with “Probably, but-“. I would just like to take a moment to express my frustration and loathing for these people and attempt to find some way I might curse, hex or otherwise place some kind of supernatural pox upon the genitals of them and all they love. Unfortunately, my attempts to locate such services online have yielded very little. Or more specifically, black magic appears to require a credit card and it is difficult to have any confidence in a hex when it requires $9.99 per target.
So I will merely sit here and hope that my dark, roiling thoughts can somehow inspire some sort of tick or lice to migrate into their home en mass and turn its attention solely south of the border.
So Close
Me: “And how many tickets would you like?”
SC: “One,please.”
Me: “......Alright-“
SC: “The lucky one.”
Me: “….”
SC: “….....you know, just like everyone else has probably already asked for.”
Me: "Indeed."
Yes, thank you. At least one you poor sods has finally grasped the fact that your attempts at humour are redundant, generic and distinctly unwelcome. You’re finally beginning to understand that we have already heard your joke thousands of times and the only reaction hearing it again illicit is scorn. Do you really want your tickets to be full of scorn? Scorn isn’t very lucky.
I will commend you for coming to this realization. However, you still came too it 10 seconds too late. I hope you enjoy lice.
Cultural Relations
I think I spent around 5 minutes at Granville station this evening trying to coax a Japanese girl out onto the street as one would a stray kitten from under a porch. I…really don’t know how this came about exactly. As all she did initially was ask me for directions ( I have glasses on, remember. This means I know everything. ). However, she seemed to instinctively sense the overwhelming terror and lunacy that is Granville street and dug her heels in at the door of the station in wide eyed fear. It took some convincing to get her to step out onto it. I can’t really say I blame her all things considered. If it wasn’t for the fact I work downtown at this hour, I wouldn’t come anywhere near Granville street after dark either.
No.
Me: "Alright, your tickets should ar-"
SC: “You make sure I win.
…right, ok, two quick points if I may. First of all, do not deliver that sort of statement to me without subtly indicating that you are prepared to wire a substantial amount of funds into an unnamed offshore bank account. Second of all, I really have no ability to ensure that you win. However, I would advise you to keep in mind that I can make sure you lose.
Seriously, Every Other Call
Another rather alarming trend that I’m growing quite curious about……why do so many people phone up while sitting home alone, in the dark, without their glasses on? Inevitably almost every other caller on this line always makes a comment about having to get their glasses and/or turn on a light when it comes time to read their credit card number. Now, I fully accept that if you’re willing to drop over a hundred dollars on a lottery at 3am then it’s likely your life didn’t exactly end up where you thought it would when you were young. And indeed you may be sitting alone, in the dark, without your glasses on. Weeping silently into a 4 litre bucket of Rocky Road and listening to a rerun of Dr Phil with your penis in your hand. But that said, you should still at least have the foresight to flick a light on before you call. As you will likely have to read something out loud to me.
Arctic Intermission
Speaking of a wasted life that has ended in sadness and silent weeping in a dark room with a bucket of ice cream to try and make the pain stop, you have just spent over $300 on baseball caps. Granted, there wasn’t any sadness involved on the surface. In fact, the caps may be your ice cream in this scenario. The one thing that soothes you and makes life bearable. But still, dude, seriously….over $300 on baseball caps? You need a hobby. Preferably one more complex than discovering what objects will and will not fit on top of your head.
Stop. Trying. To. Be. Funny.
Me: “How many tickets would you like?”
SC: “How many are left?”
Around $1,600,000 worth. And while you would grant me the most precious of dreams by ending this purgatory neigh instantly, I highly doubt your Canadian Tire Visa has that kind of credit limit.
Northern Analysis
Me: “And which catalog are you ordering from?”
This is a simple question, right? If I asked you this question, you would glance at the cover of the catalog and go “Summer 2010”, right? You wouldn’t have any problems trying to figure out the meaning of my words, right? It shouldn’t take 2 people several minutes to answer this question, right? Right. So after several minutes of muttering, discussion, page flipping and abject confusion I felt I should intervene:
Me: “Alright, look at the front of the catalog. What season does it say? Summer? Spring?”
SC: “Uh….uhhhhhhh….Skull Candy?”
You think I’m joking when I rant about these callers, don’t you? You laugh at my ranting but somewhere in the back of your mind you cling to the thought “Well it’s just one or two bad calls he gets at night, it’s not like they’re all like that”. YES THEY ARE. They are really all this stupid. Just think about it for a moment. These places have populations of between 400-700 people. Now think about how long they’ve been there. Really think about it. How many generations have passed? Quite a few, right? Yet look at the size of the population. Do you know what that means?
It means everybody is everybody else’s cousin. That’s what it means. The gene pool has been stretched as far as it can possibly go and there’s certainly no fresh water being added. Never mind chlorine.
They're phoning from a genetic echo chamber.
A Cunning Ruse
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Frank”
…odd, I just placed an order for a Frank from the same number with the same address…but you are not him. Not unless he had gender reassignment surgery in the last 10 minutes.
Me: “....Aright, are you Frank, or are you placing an order for Frank?”
SC: “Placing an order for him”
Me: “Alright, may I speak with Frank, please?”
SC: “Uhh….sure. Hang on <cough>, Hello?”
……..yes, our cunning mastermind here just cleared her throat and obviously tried to talk lower in an attempt to imitate a phone hand off to Frank. And I really can’t figure out what the worst part is. The fact she came up with this plan to begin with, or the fact she seriously thought it would work.
Genetic echo chamber.
28 Hours Later
( Seriously this guy is calling 28 hours after the deadline. )
SC: “Am I in time for the deadline?”
…..please stop. My brains capacity to withstand and process idiocy is already at critical levels this evening. I fear if you push it much further my brain to mouth filter may begin to fail. And that will end only in hurt feelings and unemployment. Possibly criminal charges.
Cultural Relations
An encounter on the way here this evening has ended with me being declared officially 1/4th Black. I attempted to object due to my overwhelming white nerdiness. But I had successfully passed both the Terrorist Fist Bump(tm) test and a series of skill testing questions about rap and reggae.
This is an odd city.....but sometimes it does amuse me greatly.
...What?
( This guy wants a quote for a massive home renovation...we're talking a $50,000 job. )
SC: “Yeah, can you just have them come by and leave a quote in my mailbox?”
Me: “…I think they would actually have to speak with you first.”
SC: “Oh, well forget it then.”
This…seems like a strangely clandestine way of trying to arrange home renovations. I don’t want to talk to anyone, just come by, prowl around inside my house in the dead of night and slip a figure scribbled in lipstick on a napkin from a local restaurant into my mailbox? It makes me wonder how you order pizza. I can’t imagine you call for it. You probably have to break into Pizza Hut in the dead of night and leave a series of cryptic clues strewn about the place. Like hiding a series of playing cards throughout the establishment. Each one with an anagram of a topping on it. Except for the Joker, which indicates only a time. Specifically, the time you will call and whisper the address of the location you left the brown paper bag full of the $26.50 for your two medium pizzas in.
Takin' Our JERBS
SC: “Both manuals in the box are in Spanish, I AIN'T NO &*%# SPANIARD!!!@#$*&!”
….duly noted. I would point out the manual is probably more for Mexicans than actual Spaniards, but seeing as you’re calling from the Texas, such a correction would have a roughly 1 in 3 chance of triggering an immigration rant. Which may or may not end in a shooting. So I shall let it pass. Lest you figure out I’m in Canada, and thus foreign, and turn your ire on me as well.
Of Course, Let Me Help You With That
SC: "There was no manual in the box, and its too big for me to download from your website. Can you just walk me through it?"
You want me to walk you through the 75 page manual of a major home renovation product with over 60 pieces that at several points requires exact measurements and a table saw, thus opening myself and the client up to liability for any financial or physical damage caused........and you want me to do this on a line where the client is charged, by us, per minute for this call?
Of course! I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
annnnd rest.
all I could see was this pretty girl in cat ears and a cat tail and whiskers meowing pitifully as you lure her out with chocolate milk or something... 
Of course! What could go wrong? 
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