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The Mothman Botany
Why must I suffer so? >.>
I Want To Talk Too
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yes I am.”
Me: “A-“
SC: “I'd like item number xxxx.”
Me: “Alri-“
SC: “For $150.”
Me: "Y-"
SC: "Oh I have a customer ID too"
Me: "O-"
SC: "It's xxxxxx"
Hello! Hi, yes, it’s me. The person you’re talking at rather than with. Now, I know using your face talky hole can be a lot of fun and its exciting whenever you get a chance. I have one too you know. But really you need to reign it in a little bit here and at least let me finish the first word of a sentence before you unhinge your jaw again. This conversation is not a dead goat and you do not need to swallow it whole.
Wait.....what?
SC: “There was somebody just out on my balcony. I’m on the third floor. I was just sitting here watchin’ tv, so I didn’t have time to get over there. Had to put my coat on and what not. But they were gone.”
So you think someone was out on your balcony……on the third floor ( rather impressive ) but when you actually went out there, there was no one? Out of curiosity, did you actually see anyone or are you just assuming? Because if I saw someone on my balcony I don’t think my first reaction would be “<sigh> Oh well, let me get dressed, get ma coat and boots on”
SC: “This isn’t the first time.”
Mothman visits you regularly, does he?
SC: “I had a plant out there, and they killed it. I don’t know how they’re getting in. I think they’re coming from the roof.”
…the roof...? Wait, ok, let me get this straight: The plant you put out on the balcony died and you essentially blame ninjas instead of bad weather or neglect? Not only do I find this scenario dubious, but I question why exactly you are telling me all of this? What do you want the maintenance guy to do exactly? He’s here for maintenance, he can’t engage a master assassin of the shadows. I mean geez, the maintenance guy’s name is Barry. Barry. Think about that. Is that the kind of name that says “Ninjitsu Master”? No, no it isn’t. It says “I can fix your closest door and possibly sing lounge music”. Neither of which are abilities that would help you overcome a shadow warrior.
Perhaps you should be asking more pertinent questions such as "Who has my foliage dishonoured?"
Northern...Scam?
Me: “Alright, that should arrive in about 2 weeks.”
SC: “Um, uh, the last time I made an order. It should be in yer computer there. I make orders like almost every month. Well last time I made an order for a sweater, I got it from online and it told me it cost $5 I believe. When I made an order it said it cost $75 and I still paid $75 for that sweater.”
Me: “…..alright?”
SC: “I was ripped off. On the web….this was like a month, a month ago. Maybe a month and a week.”
Ok, forgive me. It seems I’m having more trouble than usual playing along with the home game here this week. But if I have this straight: You ordered a jacket from the website, I’m assuming from the web only Clearance Section, and when you called to order it, it was more expensive ( Because the Clearance Section tends to be, well, web only ). Somehow it was magically $70 more expensive at that, which I find dubious. But never the less you still ordered it and agreed to that price. Which completely negates any case you might have here for, well, anything.
Never mind the fact that you’re bringing this up over a month later and at 1:30am at night, and expecting me to know anything about it.
SC: “Can I get a discount for that?”
Hah! No. But all joking aside, I’ll be honest with you here: Hah! No. Dude, this order was over a month ago and you still placed the order agreeing to that price. You cannot just retroactively decide against it a month later. I also highly doubt that there was a mythical $75 sweater that got marked down to $5.
I will assume this is some sort of ridiculously ill conceived scam attempt. I make this assumption because there are only two possible scenarios here: A) You’re trying to scam me and B) You’re completely serious. Option A makes you marginally more intelligent than Option B and I am nothing if not an optimist. So I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’re a fuckwit but attempting to be devious instead of assuming you’re just a flat out total fuckwit.
Attention, Change Seekers
Attention hobos, panhandlers and would be Storytellers™. Based on my experiences this evening it occurs to me that not one of you really knows how to properly convey your inherent need and want of spare change. Specifically, in a way that does not make me immediately flee the area or fill me with a panicked impulse to critically injure you so that you cannot follow me, then flee the area. The objective is to inspire sympathy. Not fear and certainly not the urge to deal grievous harm.
Case in points: The gentleman up on Granville who said only: “Any change?”. This is a very poor sales pitch. Because I can truthfully answer “Yes” without any obligation to actually give you change. You are also lacking critical pieces such as “Please”. It is the most fundamental of building blocks. Granted I'm not going to give you change regardless because I am, at this point in my life and specifically at this time of night, essentially a Nazgul.
Secondly, the gentleman whom I encountered at the corner and whom in the short distance from the corner to our office steps had managed to give me half his life story. Because if there’s anything people really love, especially when alone at night downtown, its weirdos that begin following them and talking. He gave me several assurances that he was not a crack head, druggie or alcoholic before asking for money. Despite the fact that only a crack head, druggie or alcoholic would follow a total stranger down the street to fervently tell them they were not a crack head, druggie or alcoholic before asking them for money. I also learned he is from Ontario and supposedly came here to Vancouver….one way….to respond to a job listing on Craig’s List. So he sold everything and hopped a bus to Vancouver based on a Craig’s List ad.
See this just doesn’t work on me. I work in the customer service industry so my threshold for such tomfoolery is quite low. If your story is false, then obviously I would not grant you any mercy because you are lying to me. However if your story is true, then you’re an idiot and I cannot, in good conscience, award such stupidity. So really this is a lose / lose scenario. Yes, it’s important that your Sob Story™ be compelling, however you should try and frame it to put yourself in the best light. An innocent victim of circumstance. Not one of your own foolish doing.
I would tell you to just check Craig's List again but I guess they shut down their Adult services section recently, didn't they?
No, Its Not
“Are you calling to place an order?”
“Yeah……is that ok?”
Is it…ok? That is a most peculiar question to be asking. Did you think that your want of a ticket would somehow offend me or anger me? Well, ok, it does a little but that’s not specifically you’re fault and I’m paid to pretend otherwise….but! You are calling for a service and I provide that service even if it is against my will. You need not fear nor worry when it comes time to request that service.
Though I would caution you against such inquiries in the future. See, you’re safe with me as I have only just started my shift. But a CSR near the end of his shift gets rather skittish and if presented with the slightest chance of escape may panic and leap at it. You have to be firm with them and don’t give them any verbal room to make a break for it like that.
So Sorry
SC: “I don’t know if this is an emergency or not, but it’s an emergency to me.”
Ooooh, I’m sorry. You’ve used a disqualifying phrase. I’m afraid I can’t help you any further. “But it’s an emergency to me” is an instant disqualification. It’s one of several phrases that just flat out exiles you from any further assistance from a CSR. Alongside “The customer is always right”, any request to be sent the “lucky ticket” and “Hi, my name is Vick”.
THE END IS UPON US
Me: “By credit card or COD?”
SC: “Credit Card”
By COD it i-wait, what? Credit card? …..in Nunavut? What madness is this? Are you sure it’s a credit card and not a calling card or your Subway card or something? You’re not just parroting my words back to me in the hopes of giving the right answer, are you? I find your claim of “Credit card” most dubious as I’m quite sure “Mastercard in Nunavut” is on the list of signs for the apocalypse. I’d much rather accept that you have made an error instead of us hurdling into the end times.
Me: "What kind of card?"
SC: "Uh...RBC"
Whew, that's a debit card and you're just an idiot. All is well!
How Dare You!
Me: “And your first name please?”
SC: “Cheryl.”
Me: “Is that with a C or an S?”
SC: “E.”
…Eryl? Or are you trying to fortify the placement of the third letter? In which case you’re under the impression I asked if your name was Chcryl or Chsryl. You think I assumed your name has no true vowels in it? That I have something against vowels? Is that it? You think I’m prejudice against vowels? That I’m a vowelist?
Well, I never! I’ll have you know some of my best friends are vowels.
What Have I Done?
Me: “And your box number please?”
SC: “Uh…huh?”
Me: “Do you have a box number or a street address?”
SC: “Oh, a street address.”
Me: “Alright, what’s the address please?”
SC: “Box number xx”
Ah, thank you. It’s been a week or two since I had a facial twitch. As much as I know I should move on and spare myself the pain, let us examine this exchange more closely. You were obviously listening to me since you answered the box or street address question but at the same time your next answer contradicted it. So we can’t lay the blame for this at the feet of mere inattentiveness. We must dig deeper into the under laying problem. Which is, of course, as always, stupidity.
You know I have endured enough stupidity here, and on this line specifically, to last me for the rest of my life and well into the next life. A life which I suspect will be far better than this one, as I appear to still be doing penance for some sort of horrible past transgressions in this one. I know not what it was that I did but it must have been truly heinous. For I am the only graveyard operator that seems to naturally draw your kind to me. No other graveyard operator has reported the same depth and frequency of…..encounters as I have.
I must have been something truly horrific in a past life to merit this. Like invented a steam engine that used puppies instead of coal.
The Long Road Home
Did everyone else on the day shift have as wonderful a time with transit coming in as I did going home? Because really my journey home this morning was truly a cavalcade of happiness and wonder. Why, I left here at 7am and my trip home was just so exciting that I didn’t manage to make it home till after 10am. So thank you Translink, for a most wonderful adventure. It was truly awesome having to take 3 times as long just to get home. Through mix of walking ( Stadium to Main is a much longer walk than it looks, on a side note ) and shuttle train hopping all the way around the Millennium line just so I could get to the other side of your colossal track failure and work my way back.
I did ponder attempting to plot a bus route but seeing as Main street’s bus stops were engulfed in a near riot with the drivers yelling at people to get the hell off the bus because there was no actual room left. Whilst the crowds viciously clawed at one another to get in the door. I decided to take my chances on the Millennium line which seemed like it held a much lower chance of being beaten or stabbed to death should I walk towards the door of the vehicle.
Also, to Skytrain Control. Who had a number of constant announcements going and were alternating whose turn it was to repeat the announcement. One of the three people that were doing the announcements, after explaining just how screwed the Skytrain was and how fucked everyone relying on it was, actually made the statement, and this is a direct quote: “We wish everyone good luck in reaching their destinations.”. I do not know who he is…..yet. But you may wish to not only not let him anywhere near a PA system ever again, but perhaps consider moving him into protective custody or some sort of witness relocation program. The reaction on the overcrowded platform to his well wishes was not precisely well received by the angry horde and I fear his life may be in danger should he ever open his mouth in public and be recognized.
Finally, one honorable mention for the Misery Harpy at Main St under the employment of one of our city's token free newspapers. Who, upon seeing the bus riots, Skytrain shut down and general chaos, misery and pain around her….had stopped handing out papers and was actually asking everyone that walked by her in the most surgery sweet voice possible “Oh, and how is your morning going?”.
To you, I issue a heart felt "Fuck you" in the hopes the burning rage contained in its baritone keeps your shriveled cold dead heart warm enough to last you just one more day.
Hot Tips
SC: “Yeah, I heard the Queen say she’ll give you a hundred billion dollars if you help her grow a beard.”
A hundred billion dollars you say? Wasn’t it only a million or so last time? The bounty on her face rug has drastically increased since last we spoke. She must be getting desperate. Tell me, does it have to be a beard? Or could I score at least 500 million by just helping her with say a goatee or a soul patch? Maybe 250 million for a mustache? Work with me here, give me some pricing options. I don’t think I can help with a full on beard but we might be able to work out a sort of ruggedly handsome, stubble laden Aragorn look.
No Pressure
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Its………..um….”
Do you need a minute to be alone? I can go take my other calls and come back. No pressure. Take all the time you need. I know this is difficult for you. But I am nothing if not accommodating.
annnd rest ( in Mordor ).
I Want To Talk Too
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yes I am.”
Me: “A-“
SC: “I'd like item number xxxx.”
Me: “Alri-“
SC: “For $150.”
Me: "Y-"
SC: "Oh I have a customer ID too"
Me: "O-"
SC: "It's xxxxxx"
Hello! Hi, yes, it’s me. The person you’re talking at rather than with. Now, I know using your face talky hole can be a lot of fun and its exciting whenever you get a chance. I have one too you know. But really you need to reign it in a little bit here and at least let me finish the first word of a sentence before you unhinge your jaw again. This conversation is not a dead goat and you do not need to swallow it whole.
Wait.....what?
SC: “There was somebody just out on my balcony. I’m on the third floor. I was just sitting here watchin’ tv, so I didn’t have time to get over there. Had to put my coat on and what not. But they were gone.”
So you think someone was out on your balcony……on the third floor ( rather impressive ) but when you actually went out there, there was no one? Out of curiosity, did you actually see anyone or are you just assuming? Because if I saw someone on my balcony I don’t think my first reaction would be “<sigh> Oh well, let me get dressed, get ma coat and boots on”
SC: “This isn’t the first time.”
Mothman visits you regularly, does he?
SC: “I had a plant out there, and they killed it. I don’t know how they’re getting in. I think they’re coming from the roof.”
…the roof...? Wait, ok, let me get this straight: The plant you put out on the balcony died and you essentially blame ninjas instead of bad weather or neglect? Not only do I find this scenario dubious, but I question why exactly you are telling me all of this? What do you want the maintenance guy to do exactly? He’s here for maintenance, he can’t engage a master assassin of the shadows. I mean geez, the maintenance guy’s name is Barry. Barry. Think about that. Is that the kind of name that says “Ninjitsu Master”? No, no it isn’t. It says “I can fix your closest door and possibly sing lounge music”. Neither of which are abilities that would help you overcome a shadow warrior.
Perhaps you should be asking more pertinent questions such as "Who has my foliage dishonoured?"
Northern...Scam?
Me: “Alright, that should arrive in about 2 weeks.”
SC: “Um, uh, the last time I made an order. It should be in yer computer there. I make orders like almost every month. Well last time I made an order for a sweater, I got it from online and it told me it cost $5 I believe. When I made an order it said it cost $75 and I still paid $75 for that sweater.”
Me: “…..alright?”
SC: “I was ripped off. On the web….this was like a month, a month ago. Maybe a month and a week.”
Ok, forgive me. It seems I’m having more trouble than usual playing along with the home game here this week. But if I have this straight: You ordered a jacket from the website, I’m assuming from the web only Clearance Section, and when you called to order it, it was more expensive ( Because the Clearance Section tends to be, well, web only ). Somehow it was magically $70 more expensive at that, which I find dubious. But never the less you still ordered it and agreed to that price. Which completely negates any case you might have here for, well, anything.
Never mind the fact that you’re bringing this up over a month later and at 1:30am at night, and expecting me to know anything about it.
SC: “Can I get a discount for that?”
Hah! No. But all joking aside, I’ll be honest with you here: Hah! No. Dude, this order was over a month ago and you still placed the order agreeing to that price. You cannot just retroactively decide against it a month later. I also highly doubt that there was a mythical $75 sweater that got marked down to $5.
I will assume this is some sort of ridiculously ill conceived scam attempt. I make this assumption because there are only two possible scenarios here: A) You’re trying to scam me and B) You’re completely serious. Option A makes you marginally more intelligent than Option B and I am nothing if not an optimist. So I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’re a fuckwit but attempting to be devious instead of assuming you’re just a flat out total fuckwit.
Attention, Change Seekers
Attention hobos, panhandlers and would be Storytellers™. Based on my experiences this evening it occurs to me that not one of you really knows how to properly convey your inherent need and want of spare change. Specifically, in a way that does not make me immediately flee the area or fill me with a panicked impulse to critically injure you so that you cannot follow me, then flee the area. The objective is to inspire sympathy. Not fear and certainly not the urge to deal grievous harm.
Case in points: The gentleman up on Granville who said only: “Any change?”. This is a very poor sales pitch. Because I can truthfully answer “Yes” without any obligation to actually give you change. You are also lacking critical pieces such as “Please”. It is the most fundamental of building blocks. Granted I'm not going to give you change regardless because I am, at this point in my life and specifically at this time of night, essentially a Nazgul.
Secondly, the gentleman whom I encountered at the corner and whom in the short distance from the corner to our office steps had managed to give me half his life story. Because if there’s anything people really love, especially when alone at night downtown, its weirdos that begin following them and talking. He gave me several assurances that he was not a crack head, druggie or alcoholic before asking for money. Despite the fact that only a crack head, druggie or alcoholic would follow a total stranger down the street to fervently tell them they were not a crack head, druggie or alcoholic before asking them for money. I also learned he is from Ontario and supposedly came here to Vancouver….one way….to respond to a job listing on Craig’s List. So he sold everything and hopped a bus to Vancouver based on a Craig’s List ad.
See this just doesn’t work on me. I work in the customer service industry so my threshold for such tomfoolery is quite low. If your story is false, then obviously I would not grant you any mercy because you are lying to me. However if your story is true, then you’re an idiot and I cannot, in good conscience, award such stupidity. So really this is a lose / lose scenario. Yes, it’s important that your Sob Story™ be compelling, however you should try and frame it to put yourself in the best light. An innocent victim of circumstance. Not one of your own foolish doing.
I would tell you to just check Craig's List again but I guess they shut down their Adult services section recently, didn't they?
No, Its Not
“Are you calling to place an order?”
“Yeah……is that ok?”
Is it…ok? That is a most peculiar question to be asking. Did you think that your want of a ticket would somehow offend me or anger me? Well, ok, it does a little but that’s not specifically you’re fault and I’m paid to pretend otherwise….but! You are calling for a service and I provide that service even if it is against my will. You need not fear nor worry when it comes time to request that service.
Though I would caution you against such inquiries in the future. See, you’re safe with me as I have only just started my shift. But a CSR near the end of his shift gets rather skittish and if presented with the slightest chance of escape may panic and leap at it. You have to be firm with them and don’t give them any verbal room to make a break for it like that.
So Sorry
SC: “I don’t know if this is an emergency or not, but it’s an emergency to me.”
Ooooh, I’m sorry. You’ve used a disqualifying phrase. I’m afraid I can’t help you any further. “But it’s an emergency to me” is an instant disqualification. It’s one of several phrases that just flat out exiles you from any further assistance from a CSR. Alongside “The customer is always right”, any request to be sent the “lucky ticket” and “Hi, my name is Vick”.
THE END IS UPON US
Me: “By credit card or COD?”
SC: “Credit Card”
By COD it i-wait, what? Credit card? …..in Nunavut? What madness is this? Are you sure it’s a credit card and not a calling card or your Subway card or something? You’re not just parroting my words back to me in the hopes of giving the right answer, are you? I find your claim of “Credit card” most dubious as I’m quite sure “Mastercard in Nunavut” is on the list of signs for the apocalypse. I’d much rather accept that you have made an error instead of us hurdling into the end times.
Me: "What kind of card?"
SC: "Uh...RBC"
Whew, that's a debit card and you're just an idiot. All is well!
How Dare You!
Me: “And your first name please?”
SC: “Cheryl.”
Me: “Is that with a C or an S?”
SC: “E.”
…Eryl? Or are you trying to fortify the placement of the third letter? In which case you’re under the impression I asked if your name was Chcryl or Chsryl. You think I assumed your name has no true vowels in it? That I have something against vowels? Is that it? You think I’m prejudice against vowels? That I’m a vowelist?
Well, I never! I’ll have you know some of my best friends are vowels.
What Have I Done?
Me: “And your box number please?”
SC: “Uh…huh?”
Me: “Do you have a box number or a street address?”
SC: “Oh, a street address.”
Me: “Alright, what’s the address please?”
SC: “Box number xx”
Ah, thank you. It’s been a week or two since I had a facial twitch. As much as I know I should move on and spare myself the pain, let us examine this exchange more closely. You were obviously listening to me since you answered the box or street address question but at the same time your next answer contradicted it. So we can’t lay the blame for this at the feet of mere inattentiveness. We must dig deeper into the under laying problem. Which is, of course, as always, stupidity.
You know I have endured enough stupidity here, and on this line specifically, to last me for the rest of my life and well into the next life. A life which I suspect will be far better than this one, as I appear to still be doing penance for some sort of horrible past transgressions in this one. I know not what it was that I did but it must have been truly heinous. For I am the only graveyard operator that seems to naturally draw your kind to me. No other graveyard operator has reported the same depth and frequency of…..encounters as I have.
I must have been something truly horrific in a past life to merit this. Like invented a steam engine that used puppies instead of coal.
The Long Road Home
Did everyone else on the day shift have as wonderful a time with transit coming in as I did going home? Because really my journey home this morning was truly a cavalcade of happiness and wonder. Why, I left here at 7am and my trip home was just so exciting that I didn’t manage to make it home till after 10am. So thank you Translink, for a most wonderful adventure. It was truly awesome having to take 3 times as long just to get home. Through mix of walking ( Stadium to Main is a much longer walk than it looks, on a side note ) and shuttle train hopping all the way around the Millennium line just so I could get to the other side of your colossal track failure and work my way back.
I did ponder attempting to plot a bus route but seeing as Main street’s bus stops were engulfed in a near riot with the drivers yelling at people to get the hell off the bus because there was no actual room left. Whilst the crowds viciously clawed at one another to get in the door. I decided to take my chances on the Millennium line which seemed like it held a much lower chance of being beaten or stabbed to death should I walk towards the door of the vehicle.
Also, to Skytrain Control. Who had a number of constant announcements going and were alternating whose turn it was to repeat the announcement. One of the three people that were doing the announcements, after explaining just how screwed the Skytrain was and how fucked everyone relying on it was, actually made the statement, and this is a direct quote: “We wish everyone good luck in reaching their destinations.”. I do not know who he is…..yet. But you may wish to not only not let him anywhere near a PA system ever again, but perhaps consider moving him into protective custody or some sort of witness relocation program. The reaction on the overcrowded platform to his well wishes was not precisely well received by the angry horde and I fear his life may be in danger should he ever open his mouth in public and be recognized.
Finally, one honorable mention for the Misery Harpy at Main St under the employment of one of our city's token free newspapers. Who, upon seeing the bus riots, Skytrain shut down and general chaos, misery and pain around her….had stopped handing out papers and was actually asking everyone that walked by her in the most surgery sweet voice possible “Oh, and how is your morning going?”.
To you, I issue a heart felt "Fuck you" in the hopes the burning rage contained in its baritone keeps your shriveled cold dead heart warm enough to last you just one more day.
Hot Tips
SC: “Yeah, I heard the Queen say she’ll give you a hundred billion dollars if you help her grow a beard.”
A hundred billion dollars you say? Wasn’t it only a million or so last time? The bounty on her face rug has drastically increased since last we spoke. She must be getting desperate. Tell me, does it have to be a beard? Or could I score at least 500 million by just helping her with say a goatee or a soul patch? Maybe 250 million for a mustache? Work with me here, give me some pricing options. I don’t think I can help with a full on beard but we might be able to work out a sort of ruggedly handsome, stubble laden Aragorn look.
No Pressure
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Its………..um….”
Do you need a minute to be alone? I can go take my other calls and come back. No pressure. Take all the time you need. I know this is difficult for you. But I am nothing if not accommodating.
annnd rest ( in Mordor ).
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