Tweet
Back in the days before callcenter work tore my soul asunder I was an awkward teenager working a summer job as a lifeguard at a local water park. Thought I'd reminisce for a bit.
Tackled by a guest.
Managing the wave pool one day I was busy working out a break rotation when a very large very agitated woman ran up to the railing closing off the guard station. I ran to her when she called out to me and she was barely coherent enough to explain that she'd lost her son in the water park. Immediately I called out for security on the radio to start looking for the boy and to escort the poor lady to their office where she could get some AC as she looked like she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I asked her to have a seat and that security was on their way to get a better description. When I mentioned security she stood up and yelled something incoherent at me. I stood up to try to reason with her but she charged at me and knocked me over like she was a defensive lineman. I'm short but I'm stocky even back then but she completely knocked me on my ass. She sprinted toward the loudspeaker, picked it up and yelled "Travis! Travis! Momma lookin' for you!!!". And with that she sprinted away from me and toward security that was on their way to the guard station. I stood up, wondering if what I had just experienced had really happened and as I look out to the wave pool everyone is staring at me. When they realize that I was in shock a bunch of them start laughing. Eventually the lady found her kid and was escorted off property but I never managed to live down getting tackled by a morbidly obese woman in a tiny bathing suit.
Do I really HAVE to kick them out?
Guarding the bottom of one of the slides where you sit on an innertube it was a generally uneventful day and since it was cold the park was pretty much empty. I notice a group of four extremely gorgeous college ladies wearing long University of Maryland tshirts. They pick up their innertubes and run up the stairs and, being the hormonal nerdy highschool kid that I was I took a peek and saw buttcheeks. I just figured they were wearing thongs which were not allowed at the time but my policy was that if no one complained then I didn't see anything. About 10 minutes later the girls come out of the slides, tshirts in hand, totally naked. Now granted this was towards the end od the day and the sun was gone for the most part but there were still other guests in the park and the family pool is in full view of the catch pool of the slide. They laughed put on their long shirts and got out of the pool. I looked around to see if anyone saw anything but luckily business was just slow enough and dark enough for no one to notice. I stood there dumbfounded and they walked away laughing without saying a word to me. Unfortunately the slide attendant knew and couldn't keep his trap shut and got me in trouble for not kicking them out. But still. Boobs.
Redneck mating rituals
Walking to the water park from the employee parking lot to start my shift I notice a very rednecky guy. 80's James Hetfield mustache, curly blonde mullet, those really angular wrap around sunglasses that baseball players wore in the early 90's, too short cutoff Jean shorts, mesh tank top, etc. But what I really noticed was his wife, late 40's, leathery skin like she tans too much, gigantic mess of teased hair, and wearing a tiny American flag bikini with stiletto heels. Not really the best choice of footwear for a water park but I guess to each his own. They walked in like they owned the place and I sort of felt bad for them be ause people were giggling behind their backs. So I start my shift and end up seeing them floating around the lazy river. The guy makes eye contact with me and gives me a head nod like "sup bro". I smile and nod back but realize he's got his hand under her top. I don't really think much of it and move to the next position. This one is on a little island where the Lilly pads with a cable running above them sit. So the couple end up right behind me the lady hanging on to the platform where I'm standing and the guy behind her. I'm watching my zone and after a while realize that the rednecky people haven't moved from that spot in like 20 minutes. I turn my head to look at them and I see the lady with this look that at the time I'd only seen in stolen Porno movies. Then I look at the guy who looks at me at the same time and without missing a beat gives me the same head nod as before as if to say "sup bro, I'm doin' mah lady." This may seem like a trend now but I was very shy back then, I realized that there were people screwing right behind me and it was my job to get them to stop but I was too embarassed to say anything. I didn't look at them the rest of the time and eventually my rotation came around so I told my boss. By then they had stopped or, ew, finished, so we were told to just keep aneye on them.
Because no water park story is complete without poop
Managing the wavepool I was called over to a guard that looked like she was about to throw up. Before I could ask she pointed at the water directly below her. In front of me was the largest log of feces I've ever seen. Not just wow that larger than usual but "by all that is holy how did that come out of a human anus without causing major trauma that would require hours of surgery and months of rehabilitation to heal?" The guests swimming not 5 feet away had somehow not yet seen it so I told them that the pool was about to be closed for a little bit. The very concerned father began to yell at me while as I got the net. "what do you mean? You just reopened 20 minutes ago! We paid good money to be in here and I'm not leaving without an explanation as to why you're closing the pool!" At that moment I fished out the turd which felt like it weighed 8 pounds. Simultaneously everyone in the vicinity yelled EWWW and swam away as quickly as possible. The guy that was arguing immediately shut up and swam away with them. Judging from the size of that monster the person who made it must've been 9 feet tall and weighed 600lbs. But that's the only time I've ever won an argument by showing someone a turd. Hopefully it won't be my last.
That job is a treasure trove of crazy stories and crazy people. But damn I miss that job. Being an adult and needing a job that pays more than minimum wage sucks. But most of those water park experiences somehow involve nudity, sex, or feces. On one occasion all three.
Tackled by a guest.
Managing the wave pool one day I was busy working out a break rotation when a very large very agitated woman ran up to the railing closing off the guard station. I ran to her when she called out to me and she was barely coherent enough to explain that she'd lost her son in the water park. Immediately I called out for security on the radio to start looking for the boy and to escort the poor lady to their office where she could get some AC as she looked like she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I asked her to have a seat and that security was on their way to get a better description. When I mentioned security she stood up and yelled something incoherent at me. I stood up to try to reason with her but she charged at me and knocked me over like she was a defensive lineman. I'm short but I'm stocky even back then but she completely knocked me on my ass. She sprinted toward the loudspeaker, picked it up and yelled "Travis! Travis! Momma lookin' for you!!!". And with that she sprinted away from me and toward security that was on their way to the guard station. I stood up, wondering if what I had just experienced had really happened and as I look out to the wave pool everyone is staring at me. When they realize that I was in shock a bunch of them start laughing. Eventually the lady found her kid and was escorted off property but I never managed to live down getting tackled by a morbidly obese woman in a tiny bathing suit.
Do I really HAVE to kick them out?
Guarding the bottom of one of the slides where you sit on an innertube it was a generally uneventful day and since it was cold the park was pretty much empty. I notice a group of four extremely gorgeous college ladies wearing long University of Maryland tshirts. They pick up their innertubes and run up the stairs and, being the hormonal nerdy highschool kid that I was I took a peek and saw buttcheeks. I just figured they were wearing thongs which were not allowed at the time but my policy was that if no one complained then I didn't see anything. About 10 minutes later the girls come out of the slides, tshirts in hand, totally naked. Now granted this was towards the end od the day and the sun was gone for the most part but there were still other guests in the park and the family pool is in full view of the catch pool of the slide. They laughed put on their long shirts and got out of the pool. I looked around to see if anyone saw anything but luckily business was just slow enough and dark enough for no one to notice. I stood there dumbfounded and they walked away laughing without saying a word to me. Unfortunately the slide attendant knew and couldn't keep his trap shut and got me in trouble for not kicking them out. But still. Boobs.
Redneck mating rituals
Walking to the water park from the employee parking lot to start my shift I notice a very rednecky guy. 80's James Hetfield mustache, curly blonde mullet, those really angular wrap around sunglasses that baseball players wore in the early 90's, too short cutoff Jean shorts, mesh tank top, etc. But what I really noticed was his wife, late 40's, leathery skin like she tans too much, gigantic mess of teased hair, and wearing a tiny American flag bikini with stiletto heels. Not really the best choice of footwear for a water park but I guess to each his own. They walked in like they owned the place and I sort of felt bad for them be ause people were giggling behind their backs. So I start my shift and end up seeing them floating around the lazy river. The guy makes eye contact with me and gives me a head nod like "sup bro". I smile and nod back but realize he's got his hand under her top. I don't really think much of it and move to the next position. This one is on a little island where the Lilly pads with a cable running above them sit. So the couple end up right behind me the lady hanging on to the platform where I'm standing and the guy behind her. I'm watching my zone and after a while realize that the rednecky people haven't moved from that spot in like 20 minutes. I turn my head to look at them and I see the lady with this look that at the time I'd only seen in stolen Porno movies. Then I look at the guy who looks at me at the same time and without missing a beat gives me the same head nod as before as if to say "sup bro, I'm doin' mah lady." This may seem like a trend now but I was very shy back then, I realized that there were people screwing right behind me and it was my job to get them to stop but I was too embarassed to say anything. I didn't look at them the rest of the time and eventually my rotation came around so I told my boss. By then they had stopped or, ew, finished, so we were told to just keep aneye on them.
Because no water park story is complete without poop
Managing the wavepool I was called over to a guard that looked like she was about to throw up. Before I could ask she pointed at the water directly below her. In front of me was the largest log of feces I've ever seen. Not just wow that larger than usual but "by all that is holy how did that come out of a human anus without causing major trauma that would require hours of surgery and months of rehabilitation to heal?" The guests swimming not 5 feet away had somehow not yet seen it so I told them that the pool was about to be closed for a little bit. The very concerned father began to yell at me while as I got the net. "what do you mean? You just reopened 20 minutes ago! We paid good money to be in here and I'm not leaving without an explanation as to why you're closing the pool!" At that moment I fished out the turd which felt like it weighed 8 pounds. Simultaneously everyone in the vicinity yelled EWWW and swam away as quickly as possible. The guy that was arguing immediately shut up and swam away with them. Judging from the size of that monster the person who made it must've been 9 feet tall and weighed 600lbs. But that's the only time I've ever won an argument by showing someone a turd. Hopefully it won't be my last.
That job is a treasure trove of crazy stories and crazy people. But damn I miss that job. Being an adult and needing a job that pays more than minimum wage sucks. But most of those water park experiences somehow involve nudity, sex, or feces. On one occasion all three.
Comment