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The Internet is For Porn ( Unless You Live In The Middle East )
That'll make sense soon enough. >.>
Ease of Use
Me: “Alright, and the item number please?”
SC: “Uh, I’ll just give you the number to make it easier.”
…..let me get this straight: Your cunning plan to make the process of giving me the item number easier, is to…..give me the item number? That seems rather….redundant. Oh wait wait wait, I see. I said “item number” whilst you said “number”. Which is 2 words and 4 syllables as opposed to your 1 word and 2 syllables. The extra verbal heft of having to process two words to form a single concept was more than your simple mental faculties could bear. Your delicate sensibilities became overwhelmed and you were unable to grasp my meaning. Thus leading you to ironically offering the exact same thing in return.
Very, plebian. Just rattle off whatever you feel you need too. I’ll work it out from there.
How Get You Get That?
Me: “Alright, and the VISA number please?”
SC: “Uh, dis ma first time usin' VISA. What you mean? You need the number on the front?”
…..How did you even get a VISA? At the very least there’s an application process involved. Which I imagine is a fairly complex form that requires you to accurately answer a series of questions. Very similar to the ones that I ask of you on a nightly basis. And we’re both vividly aware of just how well that has played out in the past. Or rather, I’m vividly aware but after this call you’ll go and drink away the memories of this and everything else about your dull pants-centric existence. Again. There has to be some explanation for the sheer number of pants you guys order and chronic alcoholism is as good an explanation as any. Possibly coupled with a family tree shaped like a lamp post.
Hot Tips: Yet Another Challenger Appears
SC: “I was just here thinking about something and I want to share it with somebody.”
….and I immediately came to mind? I’d be flattered if not for the fact I’ve never spoken to you before thus suggesting you press yourself up against the side of my house at night trying to peer through the cracks in my blinds to watch me sleep. For future reference that doesn’t make a terribly good first impression on people. Try to wait till at least after the 3rd or 4th date before you start rooting through their garbage for anything they might have touched for your love shrine.
Me: “What is this regarding exactly?”
SC: “I woke up and I had this idea. And, uh, I thought I had to share it.”
Sigh, God help me. Very well, what is this idea of yours that is of dire importance at 3 in the morning?
SC: “I think, the stuff….with like Al Qaeda needs to be straightened out. It’s not me, it’s just the way I’m thinking. You’re going about it the wrong way and uh….you’re not attacking the idea about the virgins. You should shut that one down. You need to shut down the virgins. We have to get rid of their virgins.”
......We need to get rid of their virgins? I’m not entirely sure how to interpret that, what precisely your plan is for accomplishing it or if it is even legal in the continental US. I suppose you’re going to volunteer yourself for this? It’s a difficult, painstaking undertaking but by God you’ll do it for your country?
Truly, you are a real American Hero.
Filthy Beast
It appears I have constructed the perfect cat toy to keep my cat company whilst I am at work. I purchased a seemingly innocent catnip stuffed bird like…thing….from <store by office> this morning. As really my cat’s only criteria for a toy is “Will any part of it fit in my mouth”. Only to get it home and discover it has some sort of unholy device instead which causes it to emit “realistic bird sounds” using a motion sensor. “Realistic bird sounds” apparently means “Dying Geese in Heat”. It is the most horrific skull piercing sound and it’s loud for such a small toy. Easily able to rouse me from slumber from clear across the house. Plus it goes on for at least 10 seconds.
To confound matters I sliced my hand open trying to free it from the plastic time capsule it calls “packaging”. So now she has a cat toy that smells like cat nip, tastes like blood, and screeches whenever she bites or claws it. In other words exactly like me with the exception of food dispensing. Thus, as I say, she now has the perfect analog to keep her company while I’m at work.
Breaking It Down
Me: “Hmm, alright I only have that item in blue.”
SC: “Oh. Do you have it in black?”
Ahh…I see this dilemma is raising its ugly head for the umpteenth time. The word “Only”. For some reason absolutely no one that calls this account knows what the word “Only” means. As every time I use it I inevitably get a counter-question that challenges the absolute that is the word “Only”. This is an ongoing issue and I have wracked my brain for some time to come up with a solution. However, none is forth coming.
I mean, I could try to not use the word “Only”. But that necessitates increasing the length of the sentence. Which only leads me into a completely different mental road block on your cul de sac of failure. No matter what driveway I try to pull in too to bring a concept home to you, you’ve got something up on blocks in the driveway in front of me. Plus the phrase “I’m sorry, I have that in blue. Just blue. Blue alone. There are no other colours.” Is a bit too long winded over simply “I only have blue.”
Me: “I only have that one in small and large.”
SC: “Do you have it in medium?”
……right, ok. Something really must be done here if I am to retain the thin tatters of my sanity. So if I cannot solve the riddle of Only, then I shall solve the riddle of compressing the concept into a form you can more easily digest. But how exactly does one take an overly long, elaborate sentence and reduce it to the mental level of a 6 year old? This may take some time…..
Hmmm….wait a sec, I know! Dr Seuss!
They do not come in black or red. They come in blue and blue I said.
We once had black. We once had red. But we sold them all so it’s blue instead.
Of medium I fear there’s none. Of small and large there’s near a ton.
That aside, it’s two in the morn! Calling now just earns my scorn.
I fear you’re drunk! And really lonely?
But still I’d listen! If you’d just learn "only".
.....
SC: “Yeah, I’m inquiring about GreatOral.net”
I sincerely hope you’re a dentist.
Hot Tips
SC: “It’s the year of the king. Jesus is coming back like a thief in the night.”
…..o…kay? Is that some sort of code phrase? Am I suppose to respond with an equally cryptic phrase to indicate that it is safe to rendezvous at a pre-appointed location for “the drop”? Am I to retrieve ze microfilm?
SC: “and Prince Charles is the anti-christ.”
Nope. You’re still just fuck skunk crazy.
Riveting Television
C: “Do have DVDs of that Tupperware show?”
….Tupperware….show? There’s a show on Tupperware?
C: “It had all the history of Tupperware and-“
…..the history of Tupperware? Well now, that must have been a riveting hour of the most action packed television that we as a society have ever produced. A veritable tapestry of mind blowing entertainment. I’m impressed you managed to recover from the shock and awe of the experience so soon and manage to dial our number. You must not have even cleaned up the wet spot on the couch. And now you want a DVD? That was a one in a lifetime experience. What are you thinking? Not only can the human mind likely not withstand a second viewing. But you would only cheapen the glory of the experience by bearing witness to it again.
THE Pants
Me: “Alright, that will come to $380.15-”
SC: “$380,000?”
….yes, that’s right. $380,000. You have inadvertently, or perhaps purposefully, ordered the single most glorious pair of pants ever sewn by the hands of men. Spider’s silk gathered by virgin maidens in the deep of the Amazon then soaked in the saliva of a white elk before being rolled in the finest diamond dust, gently soaked in the Dalai Llama’s bath water then sewn with a golden needle in the hands of a 100 year old Chinese master who has never once left his temple in all his 100 years to be tainted by the outside world. Affixed with a button and zipper forged from the purest silver and cooled in million year old glacier water drilled from an ice core half a mile deep in the Antarctic. Due to their extravagance and delicacy we cannot ship them via any sort of motor vehicle. Instead they will be hand delivered to you in 2-3 months by a pair of Sherpas accompanied by a Shinto priest who cleanse them of evil every morning and every night of every day till they reach you. These are a pair of leggings so glorious that even the act of zipping up the fly redirects you to GreatOral.net.
Unfortunately, they’re also on back order.
Someone Out There Suffers More Than Even I
SC: “Hi, I’m not sure if I’m calling the right number. But I’m trying to solve this puzzle on the internet-“
….Yeah, definitely the wrong number. I do believe I said “<Company Tech Support>” not “Professor Layton And The Secret of Adobe Flash”. Also, I’m amazed you actually picked up a phone, at 3am no less, and called for help to solve a puzzle on the Internet. Not just that you would actually do that, but that somewhere out there, there is in fact a help line dedicated to that.
Somebody, somewhere, is getting paid to help people solve Internet puzzles over the phone. This person is miserable.
PR0n
SC: “Hello?!”
Me: “Hi.”
SC: “Is this HardPorn.com?”
Me: “…..Wait, what, sorry?”
…..I already don’t like where this call is going.
SC: “What is this?”
Me: “This is <company>.“
SC: “This HardPorn.com?”
Me: “……what? No."
SC: “I want software for internet browsing!”
Me: “You’re calling the wrong number-“
SC: “No. I have this number from internet!”
Me: “We don’t deal with internet software or any software, really.”
SC: “This number is wrong?”
Me: “Yes, you’re calling the wrong number.”
SC: “What is this?”
Me: “This is <company>.”
SC: “I live in Saudi Arabia, do you know Saudi Arabia?”
Me: “Yes…”
SC: “Government blocked the sex websites!!”
Me: “……”
SC: “ALL THE SEX WEBSITES IS BLOCK!”
….you’re calling me because you can’t get to the porn? Oh my God, er, Allah. Seriously? You’re so desperate for internet smut you’re calling overseas in a frantic bid for digital poontang? This is a level of sad desperation that even I, in all my years here, have never really seen before. Bravo. You have officially registered as a new low in my experiences in customer service. Congratulations are in order. Disturbed, bitter congratulations.
Me: “….that’s not something I can help you with. You’ve called the wrong number.“
SC: “No no no, I no call wrong number.”
Me: “Yes you have, we don’t deal with internet software.”
SC: “I can browsing sex websites?” <insert cat macro here>
Me: “That’s not something I can help you with. We have nothing to do with that.”
SC: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"
Me: "............"
Hahahahha! That anguished cry of total despair just made my day. Noooooo, MA PORNZ!
annnd rest.
Ease of Use
Me: “Alright, and the item number please?”
SC: “Uh, I’ll just give you the number to make it easier.”
…..let me get this straight: Your cunning plan to make the process of giving me the item number easier, is to…..give me the item number? That seems rather….redundant. Oh wait wait wait, I see. I said “item number” whilst you said “number”. Which is 2 words and 4 syllables as opposed to your 1 word and 2 syllables. The extra verbal heft of having to process two words to form a single concept was more than your simple mental faculties could bear. Your delicate sensibilities became overwhelmed and you were unable to grasp my meaning. Thus leading you to ironically offering the exact same thing in return.
Very, plebian. Just rattle off whatever you feel you need too. I’ll work it out from there.
How Get You Get That?
Me: “Alright, and the VISA number please?”
SC: “Uh, dis ma first time usin' VISA. What you mean? You need the number on the front?”
…..How did you even get a VISA? At the very least there’s an application process involved. Which I imagine is a fairly complex form that requires you to accurately answer a series of questions. Very similar to the ones that I ask of you on a nightly basis. And we’re both vividly aware of just how well that has played out in the past. Or rather, I’m vividly aware but after this call you’ll go and drink away the memories of this and everything else about your dull pants-centric existence. Again. There has to be some explanation for the sheer number of pants you guys order and chronic alcoholism is as good an explanation as any. Possibly coupled with a family tree shaped like a lamp post.
Hot Tips: Yet Another Challenger Appears
SC: “I was just here thinking about something and I want to share it with somebody.”
….and I immediately came to mind? I’d be flattered if not for the fact I’ve never spoken to you before thus suggesting you press yourself up against the side of my house at night trying to peer through the cracks in my blinds to watch me sleep. For future reference that doesn’t make a terribly good first impression on people. Try to wait till at least after the 3rd or 4th date before you start rooting through their garbage for anything they might have touched for your love shrine.
Me: “What is this regarding exactly?”
SC: “I woke up and I had this idea. And, uh, I thought I had to share it.”
Sigh, God help me. Very well, what is this idea of yours that is of dire importance at 3 in the morning?
SC: “I think, the stuff….with like Al Qaeda needs to be straightened out. It’s not me, it’s just the way I’m thinking. You’re going about it the wrong way and uh….you’re not attacking the idea about the virgins. You should shut that one down. You need to shut down the virgins. We have to get rid of their virgins.”
......We need to get rid of their virgins? I’m not entirely sure how to interpret that, what precisely your plan is for accomplishing it or if it is even legal in the continental US. I suppose you’re going to volunteer yourself for this? It’s a difficult, painstaking undertaking but by God you’ll do it for your country?
Truly, you are a real American Hero.
Filthy Beast
It appears I have constructed the perfect cat toy to keep my cat company whilst I am at work. I purchased a seemingly innocent catnip stuffed bird like…thing….from <store by office> this morning. As really my cat’s only criteria for a toy is “Will any part of it fit in my mouth”. Only to get it home and discover it has some sort of unholy device instead which causes it to emit “realistic bird sounds” using a motion sensor. “Realistic bird sounds” apparently means “Dying Geese in Heat”. It is the most horrific skull piercing sound and it’s loud for such a small toy. Easily able to rouse me from slumber from clear across the house. Plus it goes on for at least 10 seconds.
To confound matters I sliced my hand open trying to free it from the plastic time capsule it calls “packaging”. So now she has a cat toy that smells like cat nip, tastes like blood, and screeches whenever she bites or claws it. In other words exactly like me with the exception of food dispensing. Thus, as I say, she now has the perfect analog to keep her company while I’m at work.
Breaking It Down
Me: “Hmm, alright I only have that item in blue.”
SC: “Oh. Do you have it in black?”
Ahh…I see this dilemma is raising its ugly head for the umpteenth time. The word “Only”. For some reason absolutely no one that calls this account knows what the word “Only” means. As every time I use it I inevitably get a counter-question that challenges the absolute that is the word “Only”. This is an ongoing issue and I have wracked my brain for some time to come up with a solution. However, none is forth coming.
I mean, I could try to not use the word “Only”. But that necessitates increasing the length of the sentence. Which only leads me into a completely different mental road block on your cul de sac of failure. No matter what driveway I try to pull in too to bring a concept home to you, you’ve got something up on blocks in the driveway in front of me. Plus the phrase “I’m sorry, I have that in blue. Just blue. Blue alone. There are no other colours.” Is a bit too long winded over simply “I only have blue.”
Me: “I only have that one in small and large.”
SC: “Do you have it in medium?”
……right, ok. Something really must be done here if I am to retain the thin tatters of my sanity. So if I cannot solve the riddle of Only, then I shall solve the riddle of compressing the concept into a form you can more easily digest. But how exactly does one take an overly long, elaborate sentence and reduce it to the mental level of a 6 year old? This may take some time…..
Hmmm….wait a sec, I know! Dr Seuss!
They do not come in black or red. They come in blue and blue I said.
We once had black. We once had red. But we sold them all so it’s blue instead.
Of medium I fear there’s none. Of small and large there’s near a ton.
That aside, it’s two in the morn! Calling now just earns my scorn.
I fear you’re drunk! And really lonely?
But still I’d listen! If you’d just learn "only".
.....
SC: “Yeah, I’m inquiring about GreatOral.net”
I sincerely hope you’re a dentist.
Hot Tips
SC: “It’s the year of the king. Jesus is coming back like a thief in the night.”
…..o…kay? Is that some sort of code phrase? Am I suppose to respond with an equally cryptic phrase to indicate that it is safe to rendezvous at a pre-appointed location for “the drop”? Am I to retrieve ze microfilm?
SC: “and Prince Charles is the anti-christ.”
Nope. You’re still just fuck skunk crazy.
Riveting Television
C: “Do have DVDs of that Tupperware show?”
….Tupperware….show? There’s a show on Tupperware?
C: “It had all the history of Tupperware and-“
…..the history of Tupperware? Well now, that must have been a riveting hour of the most action packed television that we as a society have ever produced. A veritable tapestry of mind blowing entertainment. I’m impressed you managed to recover from the shock and awe of the experience so soon and manage to dial our number. You must not have even cleaned up the wet spot on the couch. And now you want a DVD? That was a one in a lifetime experience. What are you thinking? Not only can the human mind likely not withstand a second viewing. But you would only cheapen the glory of the experience by bearing witness to it again.
THE Pants
Me: “Alright, that will come to $380.15-”
SC: “$380,000?”
….yes, that’s right. $380,000. You have inadvertently, or perhaps purposefully, ordered the single most glorious pair of pants ever sewn by the hands of men. Spider’s silk gathered by virgin maidens in the deep of the Amazon then soaked in the saliva of a white elk before being rolled in the finest diamond dust, gently soaked in the Dalai Llama’s bath water then sewn with a golden needle in the hands of a 100 year old Chinese master who has never once left his temple in all his 100 years to be tainted by the outside world. Affixed with a button and zipper forged from the purest silver and cooled in million year old glacier water drilled from an ice core half a mile deep in the Antarctic. Due to their extravagance and delicacy we cannot ship them via any sort of motor vehicle. Instead they will be hand delivered to you in 2-3 months by a pair of Sherpas accompanied by a Shinto priest who cleanse them of evil every morning and every night of every day till they reach you. These are a pair of leggings so glorious that even the act of zipping up the fly redirects you to GreatOral.net.
Unfortunately, they’re also on back order.
Someone Out There Suffers More Than Even I
SC: “Hi, I’m not sure if I’m calling the right number. But I’m trying to solve this puzzle on the internet-“
….Yeah, definitely the wrong number. I do believe I said “<Company Tech Support>” not “Professor Layton And The Secret of Adobe Flash”. Also, I’m amazed you actually picked up a phone, at 3am no less, and called for help to solve a puzzle on the Internet. Not just that you would actually do that, but that somewhere out there, there is in fact a help line dedicated to that.
Somebody, somewhere, is getting paid to help people solve Internet puzzles over the phone. This person is miserable.
PR0n
SC: “Hello?!”
Me: “Hi.”
SC: “Is this HardPorn.com?”
Me: “…..Wait, what, sorry?”
…..I already don’t like where this call is going.
SC: “What is this?”
Me: “This is <company>.“
SC: “This HardPorn.com?”
Me: “……what? No."
SC: “I want software for internet browsing!”
Me: “You’re calling the wrong number-“
SC: “No. I have this number from internet!”
Me: “We don’t deal with internet software or any software, really.”
SC: “This number is wrong?”
Me: “Yes, you’re calling the wrong number.”
SC: “What is this?”
Me: “This is <company>.”
SC: “I live in Saudi Arabia, do you know Saudi Arabia?”
Me: “Yes…”
SC: “Government blocked the sex websites!!”
Me: “……”
SC: “ALL THE SEX WEBSITES IS BLOCK!”
….you’re calling me because you can’t get to the porn? Oh my God, er, Allah. Seriously? You’re so desperate for internet smut you’re calling overseas in a frantic bid for digital poontang? This is a level of sad desperation that even I, in all my years here, have never really seen before. Bravo. You have officially registered as a new low in my experiences in customer service. Congratulations are in order. Disturbed, bitter congratulations.
Me: “….that’s not something I can help you with. You’ve called the wrong number.“
SC: “No no no, I no call wrong number.”
Me: “Yes you have, we don’t deal with internet software.”
SC: “I can browsing sex websites?” <insert cat macro here>
Me: “That’s not something I can help you with. We have nothing to do with that.”
SC: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"
Me: "............"
Hahahahha! That anguished cry of total despair just made my day. Noooooo, MA PORNZ!
annnd rest.
*
Last time that particular mouse-disposal site was used.
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