Leave English Alone!

[Solumina]

Sweet I would get free internets for six months! (honestly I had more issues with the water temple in Twilight Princess, though just about everyone tells me that one is way easier)

That aside I really want to play Myst now.

[zombiequeen]

Does beating Viva Pinata get me anything? I definitely beat both the first and second game...getting all the animals, but not quite all the achievements before the first Xbox 360 died. If not...I'll find something else to do.

[LingualMonkey]

If we're using video game solutions for Internet cred, I call for a free lifetime pass.

I can supply my bona fides if asked.

[Chromatix]

I'm seriously having trouble working out how six Os got in there myself. And I have a street quite near me named Kantelettarentie (that's four Ts and four Es, across seven syllables).

Although there *is* a railway station or two with an exceptionally long name. Did you detect any Welsh heritage in her accent by any chance?

[Andara Bledin]

I find that the first thing I do when reaching your Monday post is to scroll down, hit the quote button to open it in a new tab, and then start reading, because I know I will be responding to at least one of your delightful vignettes.

Plus I find myself annoyingly stuck with several calls I cannot describe to you as they would reveal my clients. This saddens me. -.-

Wait... Did you just admit to still having some feelings left in there?

You sure you don't want to hand them over to me before they get destroyed by your callers?

I had a caller this evening with six O’s in her name. SIX. O’S. If you have six O’s in your name you need to shorten just as a courtesy to friends and customer service representatives.

But... but... O is such a wonderful letter!

(cookies for the reference)

It didn’t even need six O’s, there were at least three auxiliary O’s.

So... You're saying there were vestigial O's in the name?

If you want permanent access you have to sit down and play all the way through Myst.

Oh, good, then I'm already set!

Stop, Stop! It's Already Dead!

I ... he ... you ... it ... *head-splodey*

http://www.phespirit.info/cockney/alphabet.htm

I really don't know what else to call it... I think wikipedia list it as the surrealist alphabet, but you have to get his down on paper - that's the best I've seen yet

Mmmm... Cockney rhyming slang. Fun stuff!

Although, it shocks me that with all the names identified, they missed "Pee for relief."

....I think that would actually get you permanent access and the first 6 months free. ( Fscking water temple. >.> )

What about Myst and Riven?

That aside I really want to play Myst now.

You and me both. >_< I still have all my disks... Now if only I had a computer it would play on.

^-.-^

[Mytical]

As always GK, your callers make me weep for humanity. However, this time the insanity not only killed what passes for my brain, but resurrected it as a zombie brain..and then killed it again.

[DaDairyDruid]

Here's my preferred method. Cookies for reference.
I is for Imagine
M is for Me
A is for the letter A
G is for Gee
I is for Imagine
N is for Nice
E is for Egad! I said Imagine twice!

Animaniacs, the Baloney song

he stands still for the Anvil Song!

[El Pollo Guerrera]

http://www.phespirit.info/cockney/alphabet.htm

I really don't know what else to call it... I think wikipedia list it as the surrealist alphabet, but you have to get his down on paper - that's the best I've seen yet

*bookmarks page, sends link to work*

I'm going to use some of these...

[Muses_nightmare]

Wild

Me: “In what city?”
SC: “Keremeos”
Me: “Al-“
SC: “We’re the fruit stand capital of Canada!”

Really. Fascinating. You must be so proud. Admittedly “fruit stand” wasn’t what came to mind when I heard the name. “Pokemon” on the other hand. Still, fruit stand capital, eh? Must be a wild and crazy place up there. Fruit is synomous with par-tay you know. I'm amazed you dragged yourself away from snorting raisins off a hookers chest long enough to call.

Ah yes the Okanagan. I lived in Penticton for a year (not too far from Keremeos), fruit stands and wine, that's pretty much it.

[Sonoma]

Stop, Stop! It's Already Dead!

SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Uncle. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Perrin. E for Australia. R for Thailand.”

….wha-what? I don’t even….ok, let’s try this again.


SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Hong Kong. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Jello. E for Australia. R for Red.”

...I....the...ok, one more time. I'm ready this time. Go ahead. Lay it on me. I can take it.


SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Hong Kong. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Jello. E for Australia. Way for Kilo.”

....no I can't, I am now even more confused.


Me: “What was that?”
SC: “Way for Halo.”
Me: “....Way?”
SC: “Way. You know, way? For Nicaragua?”
Me: “…I don’t understand sorry?”
SC: “Way way, the letter before Zed.”
Me: “Y?”
SC: “Yes.”

Ok, enough. I’m leaving. I don’t know what English did to you or your family, but I cannot in good conscience sit here and watch you do this too it. You sir, are a monster.






annnnnd rest.

I recently had a customer tell me "H as in Harry, L as in Larry".

Ummm,

If you're going to try a phonetic alphabet, please try not to use identical words. Kind of defeats the purpose.

[Eisa]

Hmm, I've never played Myst, but I did play Outlaws. That game is AWESOME. I'm still happy that I can actually play it on my laptop still. Granted, it doesn't work as well as it would on its original OS, but Windows XP plus my laptop is perfect, apparently.

[ZedOmega]

Wild

Me: “In what city?”
SC: “Keremeos”
Me: “Al-“
SC: “We’re the fruit stand capital of Canada!”

I'd hate to see the Wikipedia pages for their sister cities. Probably some island somewhere in the South Pacific where pineapples are worshipped as minor deities.

Anonymous TipsWhat I don’t know, ironically, is absolutely anything about you. As you simply hung up without providing me with a name, number, or perhaps most importantly, an address so that I might know where all of these tragic events are taking place. Even if I was so inclined to intervene, I do not even have a rough location of where these obviously heinous crimes are being committed.

I want to give that person the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe they thought you were in their building, but we all know better.

LEAVE ENGLISH ALONE (snip snip)

...if there's actually some city where one of the names given there involves that many Qs to begin with, I can only consider paying them a visit. Or better yet, doing it by proxy through tactical nukes and maniacal laughter.

Ominous

Me: “And is there any time you’d like them to call?”
SC: “Today.”

….I fear I am about to become the bearer of bad news. But the tone in your voice makes me afraid to admit it. I have no wish to die over aluminium siding. I always pictured my death being a tad more glorious or at the very least somewhat more amusing. Really, I’m aiming for a Fark.com headline if at all possible.

This guy is making that big of a fuss over aluminum siding? (Yeah, I know, American spelling. Old habits...) What would the guy be like if his plumbing started to crack in three places?

[i]How The Internet WorksThe Internet should be hard to access. To ensure only those capable of grasping the wonders and terrors within may reach it.. You should have to solve some sort of riddle or puzzle before it will even connect. Something that involves math or a sundial or something. That will permit you on the Internet for 24 hours before you have to solve another one. If you want permanent access you have to sit down and play all the way through Myst.

...well, there goes my access. I made it through six screens of Myst before I ended up saying 'fuck it' and going back to Doom II.

Oh, you laugh. But mark my words. Someday the geek shall inherit the Earth. And these laws will be standard.

Lemme know if you need an enforcer once the Nerd World Order takes control of the planet. I'm pretty handy with a chainsaw and a book of seriously bad jokes. Heads'll take damage somehow.

Hot Tips

SC: “Hi, my name is Vick."

Sigh. Really, boy. How are you not committed yet?



SC: “I have information stuck in my head, and I don’t know how to get it out.”

Try a fork. It would solve both of our problems.




Hot Tips

“Yes, hi. It’s Vick again. I got cut off.”

Yes, I seem to have mistakenly mashed F4 ( the disconnect key ) with as much force as I could muster and hung up on you. I’m not sure exactly how it happened. But I assure you it was completely by mistake and I beg your humble forgiveness. It won’t happen again. Please, continue.


SC: “As I was s-“

Dammit! I’m sorry, my finger is just so fat and heavy I can’t seem to keep it over my keyboard without dropping it. And it just seems to land on F4 every time. It’s the damnedest thing.

Aww, and I wanted to hear the crazy-guy-in-the-street version of the Nativity and how it relates to potato prices in Kansas! Oh, well.

Passtimes

Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “uh, bala da do see TABLE?!”
Me: “….excuse me?”
SC: “Huhuhuh, it’s dirty! Hello!”
Me: “….hi?”
SC: “Can I like to order place?”

You are way too stoned to be making financial decisions right now. Though I find myself alarmed and confused that “Getting high and ordering pants” is what actually qualifies as entertainment up there these days.

( She ended up ordering $800 worth too.... )

Now it all makes sense. Any order above $150 is done while stoned out of your brains! Dude, you gotta write the paper on this; you'll be filthy rich!

Stop, Stop! It's Already Dead!

...three different phonetic spellings and somehow Y is 'as in Nicaragua, Thailand, Red or Kilo'. Forget the English language, what did the concept of language do to this guy in his youth?!

[C. Cecil Ivanish]

Six in the same name, yes. Spread out would have been fine. But there were 6 O's in the same name.

...I am still trying to figure out how it can work. But I keep thinking of Oona O'Neill.

And the damn history of tupperware thing is still haunting me. But if I talked about it any more it would be identified. >.>

Darn, the history of tupperware!
I *forgot* to buy my copy! Oh, how will I live?

he stands still for the Anvil Song!

...thinking of "MOON, it spells this is screwed up".

I'd hate to see the Wikipedia pages for their sister cities. Probably some island somewhere in the South Pacific where pineapples are worshipped as minor deities.

I actually checked it. It looks like a pretty decent town, with some nice views too... but yes, it is "the fruit stand capital of Canada". The *self-defined* "fruit stand capital of Canada". I'm wondering, maybe GK's caller was a relative of the guy who came out with the idea?
It even has a website. Still mentioning fruit stands.
Unfortunately, though, I couldn't find any reference to any sister city.
Probably no city can stand (ugly pun not intended) to... stand side-by-side with the fruit stand capital of Canada.
Oh, finally! This .pdf file says that Keremeos is twinned with Okanogan, Washington. No fruit stands there.

...three different phonetic spellings and somehow Y is 'as in Nicaragua, Thailand, Red or Kilo'. Forget the English language, what did the concept of language do to this guy in his youth?!

I'm guessing something like "Language is what people speak, I am people, language is anything that comes to my mind". Mutual intelligibility is only optional.

[Mr Hero]

I recently had a customer tell me "H as in Harry, L as in Larry".

Ummm,

If you're going to try a phonetic alphabet, please try not to use identical words. Kind of defeats the purpose.

This reminds me of a time when my friend was trying to spell something out for me. I can't remember exactly what, but she used "V as in Venus." I knew what she meant, but boy did I have fun with that!

[Seshat]

LEAVE ENGLISH ALONE

Ok, that’s it. But let us start with the first and more fundamental rule: If your name contains more than five of the same letter then you are not allowed to order from me ever again. No, I don’t care if it’s really your legal name. Five is the limit. Three if the letter is “Q”. You can shorten it to a nickname, or you can walk away sad and pantless.

But.. but .. my name has four of the same letter! Even with a nickname!

If you count all four names.

(Think of it as something like Penny Anna Charlotte Hallmann. Or some such. I know that makes it six ns, five with Penelope, but it's close enough for the purpose.)


Oh, and I've never played Myst. But I've defeated Morrowind and Oblivion multiple times, including their extensions. Does that count?