Leave English Alone!

[zombiequeen]

Does beating Viva Pinata get me anything? I definitely beat both the first and second game...getting all the animals, but not quite all the achievements before the first Xbox 360 died. If not...I'll find something else to do.

[Solumina]

Sweet I would get free internets for six months! (honestly I had more issues with the water temple in Twilight Princess, though just about everyone tells me that one is way easier)

That aside I really want to play Myst now.

[Gravekeeper]

Or did you mean six O's in the same name?
[/I]

Six in the same name, yes. Spread out would have been fine. But there were 6 O's in the same name.

Would the Water Temple from Ocarina of Time be an acceptable substitute?

....I think that would actually get you permanent access and the first 6 months free. ( Fscking water temple. >.> )

I get so many calls like that on that line though. People just can't grasp that the name of a website could possibly have nothing to do with the contents of the website. It happens all the time since we got that client. Bike parts, sex toys, travel insurance, passport renewal.....hell, I had one guy yelling at me because I couldn't help him renew his unemployment insurance.

Apparently he just typed in unemploymentrenewal.com or something and figured it MUST be for HIS insurance because, well, look at the title!

Ugh.

And the damn history of tupperware thing is still haunting me. But if I talked about it any more it would be identified. >.>

[LingualMonkey]

LEAVE ENGLISH ALONE

Ok, that’s it. After years of wanton suffering at your greasy, simian paws it’s time to lay down some ground rules. Some guidelines for the abuse I endure if I am to continue to enable your stunning lack of fashion sense. But let us start with the first and more fundamental rule: If your name contains more than five of the same letter then you are not allowed to order from me ever again. No, I don’t care if it’s really your legal name. Five is the limit. Three if the letter is “Q”. You can shorten it to a nickname, or you can walk away sad and pantless.

Come now GK, you say. Aren’t you being a bit too harsh? No, I say! I had a caller this evening with six O’s in her name. SIX. O’S. If you have six O’s in your name you need to shorten just as a courtesy to friends and customer service representatives. Who should not have to jam a finger down their throat to pronounce it correctly. It didn’t even need six O’s, there were at least three auxiliary O’s. Someone is adding more O’s just for the hell of having more O’s. I do not know who this person is, but I am not a cruel man. I will offer them amnesty. But only if they turn themselves in immediately and provide us with any information they can that may lead us to finding and stopping the guy handing out the extra Q’s.

He’s the real criminal.

See, now this scares me. I have five E's in my name, and my first and middle name are quite normal. My younger child has five L's in hers, and none of her names would at all make someone scratch his or her head.

Or did you mean six O's in the same name?

I'm just concerned that because my parents were E-heavy with me, and because my daughter's middle name is Lillian that I'm pushing close to the edge of Gravekeeper's Vault of Idiocy.

[Mr Hero]

A as in Fonzie.
B as in Arthur.
C as in Moses.
D as in Just Barely Passing.
E as in Whoops!
F as in You.
G as in Whiz.
H as in Lieutenant Caine.
I as in Optometrist.
J as in Dyn-o-MITE!
K as in Jeweler.
L as in Eck.
M as in Candy.
N as in Compass.
O as in Yeah.
P as in Drug Test.
Q as in Line.
R as in We is.
S as in Windy Road.
T as in Crumpets.
U as in Miami.
V as in Neck.
W as in Better Than a Loss.
X as in Former.
Y as in Not.
Z as in Nissan.

Sure, the above is all silly. The scary thing is, they all make far more sense than the ones used by GK's caller.

Here's my preferred method. Cookies for reference.
I is for Imagine
M is for Me
A is for the letter A
G is for Gee
I is for Imagine
N is for Nice
E is for Egad! I said Imagine twice!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

...and how fucking dare you mangle the English language, after all it's been through?!

LEAVE ENGLISH ALONE!

[Mr Hero]

LEAVE ENGLISH ALONE

Ok, that’s it. After years of wanton suffering at your greasy, simian paws it’s time to lay down some ground rules. Some guidelines for the abuse I endure if I am to continue to enable your stunning lack of fashion sense. But let us start with the first and more fundamental rule: If your name contains more than five of the same letter then you are not allowed to order from me ever again. No, I don’t care if it’s really your legal name. Five is the limit. Three if the letter is “Q”. You can shorten it to a nickname, or you can walk away sad and pantless.

Come now GK, you say. Aren’t you being a bit too harsh? No, I say! I had a caller this evening with six O’s in her name. SIX. O’S. If you have six O’s in your name you need to shorten just as a courtesy to friends and customer service representatives. Who should not have to jam a finger down their throat to pronounce it correctly. It didn’t even need six O’s, there were at least three auxiliary O’s. Someone is adding more O’s just for the hell of having more O’s. I do not know who this person is, but I am not a cruel man. I will offer them amnesty. But only if they turn themselves in immediately and provide us with any information they can that may lead us to finding and stopping the guy handing out the extra Q’s.

He’s the real criminal.

What about the name, Brivolbn7q? And why did I imagine you shouting "Leave English Alone!" in the style of Chris Crocker? Let me also point out that I find it highly ironic that you're the one ranting about adding unnecesary letters.

How The Internet Works

The Internet should be hard to access. To ensure only those capable of grasping the wonders and terrors within may reach it.. You should have to solve some sort of riddle or puzzle before it will even connect. Something that involves math or a sundial or something. That will permit you on the Internet for 24 hours before you have to solve another one. If you want permanent access you have to sit down and play all the way through Myst.

Would the Water Temple from Ocarina of Time be an acceptable substitute?

[Jester]

A as in Fonzie.
B as in Arthur.
C as in Moses.
D as in Just Barely Passing.
E as in Whoops!
F as in You.
G as in Whiz.
H as in Lieutenant Caine.
I as in Optometrist.
J as in Dyn-o-MITE!
K as in Jeweler.
L as in Eck.
M as in Candy.
N as in Compass.
O as in Yeah.
P as in Drug Test.
Q as in Line.
R as in We is.
S as in Windy Road.
T as in Crumpets.
U as in Miami.
V as in Neck.
W as in Better Than a Loss.
X as in Former.
Y as in Not.
Z as in Nissan.

Sure, the above is all silly. The scary thing is, they all make far more sense than the ones used by GK's caller.

[chainedbarista]

sir, you fail at using the phonetic alphabet; review your materials and feel free to call us when you actually understand them.

he was never to plague your phonelines again.

ow. the pain from the stupid/crazy is almost unbearable...almost.

[MadonnaC]

http://www.phespirit.info/cockney/alphabet.htm

I really don't know what else to call it... I think wikipedia list it as the surrealist alphabet, but you have to get his down on paper - that's the best I've seen yet

[superhotelworker]

I.. Wow. Ouch Grave.

[MoonCat]

The crazy has landed and it's right up there with you, isn't it, you poor soul? (hands over cookies....cuccidati (Italian fig cookies, if you're not familiar with these)...toooo delicious.

Especially the spelling one. What the hell does Y have to do with Nicaragua, anyway....Never mind. Why is it most of your customers are stoned?? What are they smoking up there?

[Bunny the Veggie Slayer]

I've had an idea for a while now for a simple way to remove the, shall we say "technologically disadvantaged", from teh interwebs.

Make it illegal for companies to offer tech support for setting up modems/routers. All a customer gets is the equipment and a disc with a PDF manual. If they can't work it out for themselves, they can't get online.

"Oh silly Bunny!" I hear you cry. "What if they get their tech savvy friend/relation/neighbour to set it up for them?". Simple, in that case the friend/whatever has to submit their personal details and agree to become their 24/7 tech support hotline.

Oh and once we have their address? We unleash the homing bees. Some may think it harsh, but they only have themselves to blame.

[Becks]

Not a person's name, but I feel that I should mention that the name of the town I was born in is Oconomowoc.

SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Uncle. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Perrin. E for Australia. R for Thailand.”
<snip>
SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Hong Kong. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Jello. E for Australia. R for Red.”
<snip>
SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Hong Kong. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Jello. E for Australia. Way for Kilo.”

<snip>


Me: “What was that?”
SC: “Way for Halo.”
Me: “....Way?”
SC: “Way. You know, way? For Nicaragua?”
Me: “…I don’t understand sorry?”
SC: “Way way, the letter before Zed.”
Me: “Y?”
SC: “Yes.”

That was beyond painful. My brain died.

[C. Cecil Ivanish]

SC: “Keremeos”
Me: “Al-“
SC: “We’re the fruit stand capital of Canada!”

Wow. Just... wow. Do they have guided tours there (that people can call you to book)?

I had a caller this evening with six O’s in her name. SIX. O’S.

Honestly I can't even start figuring how it can... oh, wait.
...
No, I can't.

If you want permanent access you have to sit down and play all the way through Myst.

DARN! I'm banned!

Me: “We own the domain name itself, and we’re selling it. That’s why our number comes up.”
...
SC: “Ok….but you don’t sell no 4 wheeler parts?”
Me: “No, we don’t”
SC: “Do you know any place that does?”

...and who doesn't...

SC: “206 has a god damn problem. If you people can’t get them under control I will phone the god damn police!!”
Me: “Alright, I’m afraid there isn’t much I can do about them this early but I can-“
SC: “WELL YOU CAN DROP DEAD THEN!! <click>”

...that's interesting. He won your favours in eternal, didn't he? You will PERSONALLY go talk to the people in 206, won't you?

SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Uncle. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Perrin. E for Australia. R for Thailand.”
.....
SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Hong Kong. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Jello. E for Australia. R for Red.”
.....
SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Hong Kong. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Jello. E for Australia. Way for Kilo.”
.....
Me: “What was that?”
SC: “Way for Halo.”
Me: “....Way?”
SC: “Way. You know, way? For Nicaragua?”
Me: “…I don’t understand sorry?”
SC: “Way way, the letter before Zed.”
Me: “Y?”
SC: “Yes.”

And my comment to this is as follows: