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Sweet bungee jumping crab cakes. Today was a day for utter IDIOTS! There was one in particular that really stuck out, though. I shall call him Thick Kevin. That is not his real name, but I am naming him that because of the lovely character in Pirate Radio. Here's a clip if you don't know what I'm talking about: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQbwB20-7Zg He shows up near the end of the clip, but you can't miss him. (And watch the movie. Seriously 
)
Names and exact quotes are changed to protect myself and the stupid. But mostly myself. TK's utter lack of typing ability is accurately portrayed. Keep in mind that there is often a 5 or 6 minute lapse between each time I ask a question and TK responds. This is mostly from live chat support. I work for an Email Services Provider.
TK: Why aren't my title to my newsletter not showing up mow?
Me: What newsletter are you working on?
TK: <newsletter name>
<newsletter name> did not exist. Instead, there are nearly 150 "Untitled" newsletters. It's gonna be a long day. Mercifully, our chat provider decided to go down at this point. Unmercifully, they fixed the problem shortly thereafter.
Oh look who just opened a new chat room. :P
TK: Why can't I activate my newsletter?
(What the HELL does that mean?!?!)
Me: Are you trying to send it?
TK: No. (TK proceeds to describe his inability to load or move anything in the interface while working on said newsletter. Insert things like make no sense like "mask" or his inability to load said "mask".)
Me: (Learned from before) Is it the Untitled one at the top of the first page?
TK: Yes
(PROGRESS!)
Me: It's loading fine and there aren't any issues here. (explanation about connection issues, browser or computer needing restart)
TK: Ok, I'll be back
Oh joy. Annnnd cue his imminent return.
TK: I can not activate my newsletter. (more utterly indiscernible things about masks and whatnot that I did finally figure out was an image. Mind you, this is text that is making no bloody sense.) I can't open box.
Me: What are you seeing when you try.
TK: (Describes a layout that is a complete mirror image to our user interface and tells me what parts aren't loading. Close enough.)
Me: It may help if you clear the cache in your browser. (provides how to link)
TK: (Redescribes issue)
Me: Right. Clearing your cache might help.
TK: That looks hard.
(I can't f*cking do it for you!)
Me: Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do over here because everything is functioning normally on our end. It seems to be a problem with the computer and clearing the cache is a good place to start.
TK: What's a browser?
(How the hell did you find chat support? HOW?!?!)
Me: That's the program you use to get online like Internet Explorer, Firefox, or Safari.
TK: (after massively long pause) Ok, I had my assistant do it. It's still doing it. Should I reboot?
(I pity the poor person who works for you.)
Me: That might help. If you have another computer you can try from, that might help as well.
TK: Ok, I'll be back.
I cannot express how happy that makes me.
TK: It works on my lap tob but not my PC. Why?
Me: I'm afraid because it's a problem isolated to that computer, it's not something I can fix.
Wait.. What's this. He has opened a second room?!?! And he's talking in both.
TK in room 2: What must I do! This is causing problems!
TK in room 1: Is this a common problem and what you recommend?
Me in room 2: Because it's a problem at the computer itself, there's nothing more I can do. I gave you the best recommendations I know, but that's all I can do since I can't see the computer
Me in room 1: That's me in the other chat, too. I'm closing one room so we can keep this in one place.
I recommend getting someone familiar with the computer to take a look at it so maybe they can figure out what's going on.
TK: ok. What about my other question?
(Wait...nowhere in this have you asked me anything else...)
Why does your program keep unsubscribing people?
(holy crap)
My own address and a lot of others and even my wife gets kicked off the list.
(You're MARRIED?!?! Please, for the love of all the is holy, cute, and fuzzy, DO NOT BREED!)
Me: Can you give me some examples of email addresses this has happened with?
TK: I don't understand. I just told you.
Me: I need specific examples so I can look into this for you.
TK: (gives 5 examples) but there are hundreds more
(aha. It's hundreds now)
Me: Ok, I'll look into this and shoot you an email and let you know.
So maybe I've got a break from Kevin and all his Thickness while I solve his problems? I mean, it's probably due to his subscribers being as stupid as he is and unsubscribing themselves from the list and then griping that they're not receiving it. Wait...it's another chat room and it's our genius of the day.
TK: My excel expired. Could that be it?
(I do not want to know what kind of mental hurdles and hula hoops you just did to get to that conclusion. I just don't.)
Me: No, that's a completely separate program on your computer.
TK: Ok.
At least that one was quick. And...oh no. Here we go.
TK: Hey, it mention a URI thing, is that it?
(I am totally assuming that he means URL, but that would not be different from one computer to the next)
Me: I don't know. I can't troubleshoot the computer from here. It needs to be someone who can look at it.
Yay. The last hour and a half chat was open was blissfully TK free. But, of course, I had to email him about the other issue. Turns out, he had removed all but two from the list that shows why they were removed from the main list
I now have no way of knowing what the hell is going on with these. I send him an email to that effect and explain the reasons the two that were still there were removed from the list. I go the extra step and give him ways to prevent this in his future mailings.
TK via email: Excuse me, I gave that person in chat a whole list of email addresses I could think of that had this happen a few times. These are loyal people who complain if they don't get my messages and there are dozens of them.
(Crikey. We're back to dozens) So please figure out why your system does that.
Me via email: That was me you spoke with every time in chat today.
(No, I couldn't resist)
I looked at every address you gave me and these were the only two where the information hadn't been removed. Please let me know if it happens again and give examples and send me the email this happened with so I can figure this out for you.
That's when I apologized to the next shift and got the hell out. My poor, poor brain.
)Names and exact quotes are changed to protect myself and the stupid. But mostly myself. TK's utter lack of typing ability is accurately portrayed. Keep in mind that there is often a 5 or 6 minute lapse between each time I ask a question and TK responds. This is mostly from live chat support. I work for an Email Services Provider.
TK: Why aren't my title to my newsletter not showing up mow?
Me: What newsletter are you working on?
TK: <newsletter name>
<newsletter name> did not exist. Instead, there are nearly 150 "Untitled" newsletters. It's gonna be a long day. Mercifully, our chat provider decided to go down at this point. Unmercifully, they fixed the problem shortly thereafter.
Oh look who just opened a new chat room. :P
TK: Why can't I activate my newsletter?
(What the HELL does that mean?!?!)
Me: Are you trying to send it?
TK: No. (TK proceeds to describe his inability to load or move anything in the interface while working on said newsletter. Insert things like make no sense like "mask" or his inability to load said "mask".)
Me: (Learned from before) Is it the Untitled one at the top of the first page?
TK: Yes
(PROGRESS!)
Me: It's loading fine and there aren't any issues here. (explanation about connection issues, browser or computer needing restart)
TK: Ok, I'll be back
Oh joy. Annnnd cue his imminent return.
TK: I can not activate my newsletter. (more utterly indiscernible things about masks and whatnot that I did finally figure out was an image. Mind you, this is text that is making no bloody sense.) I can't open box.
Me: What are you seeing when you try.
TK: (Describes a layout that is a complete mirror image to our user interface and tells me what parts aren't loading. Close enough.)
Me: It may help if you clear the cache in your browser. (provides how to link)
TK: (Redescribes issue)
Me: Right. Clearing your cache might help.
TK: That looks hard.
(I can't f*cking do it for you!)
Me: Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do over here because everything is functioning normally on our end. It seems to be a problem with the computer and clearing the cache is a good place to start.
TK: What's a browser?
(How the hell did you find chat support? HOW?!?!)
Me: That's the program you use to get online like Internet Explorer, Firefox, or Safari.
TK: (after massively long pause) Ok, I had my assistant do it. It's still doing it. Should I reboot?
(I pity the poor person who works for you.)
Me: That might help. If you have another computer you can try from, that might help as well.
TK: Ok, I'll be back.
I cannot express how happy that makes me.
TK: It works on my lap tob but not my PC. Why?
Me: I'm afraid because it's a problem isolated to that computer, it's not something I can fix.
Wait.. What's this. He has opened a second room?!?! And he's talking in both.
TK in room 2: What must I do! This is causing problems!
TK in room 1: Is this a common problem and what you recommend?
Me in room 2: Because it's a problem at the computer itself, there's nothing more I can do. I gave you the best recommendations I know, but that's all I can do since I can't see the computer
Me in room 1: That's me in the other chat, too. I'm closing one room so we can keep this in one place.
I recommend getting someone familiar with the computer to take a look at it so maybe they can figure out what's going on.
TK: ok. What about my other question?
(Wait...nowhere in this have you asked me anything else...)
Why does your program keep unsubscribing people?
(holy crap)
My own address and a lot of others and even my wife gets kicked off the list.
(You're MARRIED?!?! Please, for the love of all the is holy, cute, and fuzzy, DO NOT BREED!)
Me: Can you give me some examples of email addresses this has happened with?
TK: I don't understand. I just told you.
Me: I need specific examples so I can look into this for you.
TK: (gives 5 examples) but there are hundreds more
(aha. It's hundreds now)
Me: Ok, I'll look into this and shoot you an email and let you know.
So maybe I've got a break from Kevin and all his Thickness while I solve his problems? I mean, it's probably due to his subscribers being as stupid as he is and unsubscribing themselves from the list and then griping that they're not receiving it. Wait...it's another chat room and it's our genius of the day.
TK: My excel expired. Could that be it?
(I do not want to know what kind of mental hurdles and hula hoops you just did to get to that conclusion. I just don't.)
Me: No, that's a completely separate program on your computer.
TK: Ok.
At least that one was quick. And...oh no. Here we go.
TK: Hey, it mention a URI thing, is that it?
(I am totally assuming that he means URL, but that would not be different from one computer to the next)
Me: I don't know. I can't troubleshoot the computer from here. It needs to be someone who can look at it.
Yay. The last hour and a half chat was open was blissfully TK free. But, of course, I had to email him about the other issue. Turns out, he had removed all but two from the list that shows why they were removed from the main list
I now have no way of knowing what the hell is going on with these. I send him an email to that effect and explain the reasons the two that were still there were removed from the list. I go the extra step and give him ways to prevent this in his future mailings.TK via email: Excuse me, I gave that person in chat a whole list of email addresses I could think of that had this happen a few times. These are loyal people who complain if they don't get my messages and there are dozens of them.
(Crikey. We're back to dozens) So please figure out why your system does that.
Me via email: That was me you spoke with every time in chat today.
(No, I couldn't resist)
I looked at every address you gave me and these were the only two where the information hadn't been removed. Please let me know if it happens again and give examples and send me the email this happened with so I can figure this out for you.
That's when I apologized to the next shift and got the hell out. My poor, poor brain.
But if you have any orange liqueur (triple sec, cointreau, orange curacao), then you could make up a tasty drink with equal parts gin, orange liqueur, and orange juice.
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