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Oh dear, oh dear, here since seven and what do I get? 
Look and see...
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Dear Train Company Client,
No, I am afraid that your status as Train Company does not affect the level of service that you receive. As usual, you do not have after-hours service, you have never had it, it would be billable, we'd need money up front, and furthermore all Train Company billable requests have to be approved by voice by [REDACTED] from your corporate office. Oh indeed, we've had this conversation several times before. Yes, yes, I know you require that copier to do your job, 24/7, blah-de-blah. Sorry, it's not a phone fixable issue. Field CSR will be out Monday.
What, what's that? Your title is "Trainmaster"? And since you're the TrainMASTER, I need to do what I've been told and send out an after-hours field tech? Seriously? No, seriously?
...
1) I'm not impressed.
2) If I'm going to obey the TrainMASTER, as you so emphasize your title, there had better be leather involved.
3) You do know this recording will be forwarded to [REDACTED] in your corporate office, right? To approve the charges, of course.
Gosh, you hung up quick.
Thank You, May I Have Another,
Happiness In Corporate Slavery
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Dear Grocery Distribution Client,
I am terribly sorry that both of the machines you use in your computer room are evidencing the same errors. I understand that you have a full load of work this weekend; I understand that the storms up there in New England are making hash of your schedule. Those errors are unfortunately caused by a part that has worn down and for which an order for replacement has already been issued this past week. The fact that you have been using the machines so heavily this weekend that they've gone kaput will not make the parts come any faster.
Yes, you do have guaranteed service on the weekend. Certainly, I will page the field tech.
Oh dear. You're calling back again. I'm terribly sorry the field tech advised you that the parts will not arrive until Monday and that there is zip-a-dee-doo-dah he can do till then. Unfortunately, I can't really contradict him.
No, I am not in [NEW ENGLAND], I am in [DEEP SOUTH].
You want the field tech to drive to another location of yours 100 miles away, strip a machine there of the needed part, and come back to install on one of the broken machines? I am afraid that voids the contract, sir, we will not perform that-
No, I'm terribly sor-
No, there is no one else here. I will be the sole person available till [MORNING].
I will page the field tech again with your current request, sir, certainly. I cannot guarantee a response.
...
Oh dear. You're calling back again. So now the field tech has denied your request? Terribly sorry. His word goes.
No, I cannot contradict or order him otherwise. He outranks me.
I am afraid that I cannot advise you on how to get the machine fixed other than by offering the same solutions previously made available to you.
No, it cannot be jury-rigged or bypassed.
Yes, it is very likely that you are stuck until Monday, when the requisite part comes in.
If you wish to make such a complaint, sir, I recommend you take it up with your contract rep.
And a "Very fucking merry Christmas, asshole." to you too, sir.
NO SOUP FOR YOU,
The Guy What Doesn't Order Your Parts
Look and see...---
Dear Train Company Client,
No, I am afraid that your status as Train Company does not affect the level of service that you receive. As usual, you do not have after-hours service, you have never had it, it would be billable, we'd need money up front, and furthermore all Train Company billable requests have to be approved by voice by [REDACTED] from your corporate office. Oh indeed, we've had this conversation several times before. Yes, yes, I know you require that copier to do your job, 24/7, blah-de-blah. Sorry, it's not a phone fixable issue. Field CSR will be out Monday.
What, what's that? Your title is "Trainmaster"? And since you're the TrainMASTER, I need to do what I've been told and send out an after-hours field tech? Seriously? No, seriously?
...
1) I'm not impressed.
2) If I'm going to obey the TrainMASTER, as you so emphasize your title, there had better be leather involved.
3) You do know this recording will be forwarded to [REDACTED] in your corporate office, right? To approve the charges, of course.
Gosh, you hung up quick.
Thank You, May I Have Another,
Happiness In Corporate Slavery
---
Dear Grocery Distribution Client,
I am terribly sorry that both of the machines you use in your computer room are evidencing the same errors. I understand that you have a full load of work this weekend; I understand that the storms up there in New England are making hash of your schedule. Those errors are unfortunately caused by a part that has worn down and for which an order for replacement has already been issued this past week. The fact that you have been using the machines so heavily this weekend that they've gone kaput will not make the parts come any faster.
Yes, you do have guaranteed service on the weekend. Certainly, I will page the field tech.
Oh dear. You're calling back again. I'm terribly sorry the field tech advised you that the parts will not arrive until Monday and that there is zip-a-dee-doo-dah he can do till then. Unfortunately, I can't really contradict him.
No, I am not in [NEW ENGLAND], I am in [DEEP SOUTH].
You want the field tech to drive to another location of yours 100 miles away, strip a machine there of the needed part, and come back to install on one of the broken machines? I am afraid that voids the contract, sir, we will not perform that-
No, I'm terribly sor-
No, there is no one else here. I will be the sole person available till [MORNING].
I will page the field tech again with your current request, sir, certainly. I cannot guarantee a response.
...
Oh dear. You're calling back again. So now the field tech has denied your request? Terribly sorry. His word goes.
No, I cannot contradict or order him otherwise. He outranks me.
I am afraid that I cannot advise you on how to get the machine fixed other than by offering the same solutions previously made available to you.
No, it cannot be jury-rigged or bypassed.
Yes, it is very likely that you are stuck until Monday, when the requisite part comes in.
If you wish to make such a complaint, sir, I recommend you take it up with your contract rep.
And a "Very fucking merry Christmas, asshole." to you too, sir.
NO SOUP FOR YOU,
The Guy What Doesn't Order Your Parts
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