Things You Don't Get To Do, But Did Anyway: A List

[Dips]

1. Claim that you didn't know how to find the page of instructions I helped you navigate to today, then claim you followed them to the letter yesterday.

2. Tell me that your lack of knowledge of how to copy and paste is a defect in our product.

3. Take back two-year-old software and resell it without telling us until AFTER the sale.

4. Tell me you are computer illiterate on one breath and use the next to tell me what you are absolutely sure is going wrong with your computer.

5. Keep re-dialing our number in the hopes that Someone will pick up when nobody CAN pick up. Just leave a damn message.

Feel free to add your own...

[ToasterQueen]

- Call back trying to talk to a different sales rep every time to get your price changed.

- Whine about your shipments being late and blaming it on us when you're the one who has a 48, a 33, two 24 and one 8-day past due invoice.

- Tell us "I've been staring at LEDs for 8 years, I think I know what 5600k looks like!" No sir, if you've been staring at LEDs for 8 years, I don't think I trust your vision.

- Demand that we call HQ in Japan -right now-. 10 hour time difference is for /commies/.

- Put your own company under a different name on your trade reference sheet when trying to get credit. Do you not think we'll notice that the address and phone number are the same?

[Banrion]

- - Tell us "I've been staring at LEDs for 8 years, I think I know what 5600k looks like!" No sir, if you've been staring at LEDs for 8 years, I don't think I trust your vision.

I don't know why but that one made me LOL!!! My very first rule #1 offense

[BookstoreEscapee]

You don't get to use your teacher discount on those romance novels. Your 3rd graders are not reading Nora Roberts.

You don't get to use your teacher discount to buy your kid's summer reading books or Spark Notes. It's for YOUR classroom, not theirs.

You don't get to use your corporate/institutional discount on your personal items. Your business is not reading Nora Roberts either. Or Sponge Bob.

You don't get to buy a gift card with your store credit.

You don't get to take every single book on Italy over to a table and plan your vicarious vacation with your friends, leaving nothing on the shelf for people who are actually planning to go to Italy and would like to buy a book on the subject.

You don't get to stretch out on the floor in front of 2 entire bays while a bookseller is clearly trying to shelve books in that area and other people are trying to shop.

You don't get to bring your chihuahua, no matter how cute she is (and she is cute ) into the cafe. You are not going to convince us she is a seeing eye dog. (But I'll be more than happy to hold her for you while you get your coffee... )That black lab lying under the chair? He is a seeing eye dog. (That being said, I have been known to sneak my ex's chihuahua into the cafe so I could get a quick drink and let them see him for a few seconds. But I keep him hidden in my jacket and leave once I get my drink. )

[BlaqueKatt]

you do not get to verbally abuse me or my floor reps because you didn't check your bill for 6 months, to a year and just now noticed a mistake, and we can't give you credit.

you do not get to verbally abuse me or my floor reps because your phone was lost/stolen and you didn't report it as such and per the terms and conditions of your contract you now owe us for those charges.(especially if you wait TWO MONTHS before calling, doubly so if the thief calls the same people you do, plus calls your voicemail, and the only additional charges are massive downloads)

You do not get to claim "i thought that..." or "I was under the impression that..." see what happens when you think-next time ask and confirm.

You do not get to call repeatedly to try and get credit-we note the accounts, and if the credit does get added by a rep who doesn't know better, you WILL get to hear from me explaining why your credit was cancelled and if you try it again I will refer you to our FRAUD department for disconnection of service.

You do get the benefit of the doubt the first time you call in claiming you were misinformed, however I am going to educate you and note your account that you have been educated on the issue and there will be NO MORE CREDITS!-try it again and see above.

you do not get to claim that your son/daughter/cat/hamster whatever couldn't possibly have used that many minutes/sent that many text messages, becuase they're in school, working, napping, plotting to overthrow a small third would country and instill the cat as dictator-they did I have the list-pay up or get shut off.

You do not get a new phone for free because it was lost/stolen and you did not pony up $4.99 a month for insurance.

you do not get out of paying us, or get out of your contract because you broke your phone-no you cannot get a free phone-no you are not a loyal customer you've had our service for a month!!!!

You are not entitled to 4 free phones(for backup or gifts) when you buy one of our phones that comes with up to 4 free when you buy one, especially if you only have one line!!!!

You do not get a free phone because you dropped yours in the toilet-do not sneak into the bathroom to make phone calls at work!!!(yes they admitted that's how it happened)

You are not entitled to compensation for the hassle of your bill cycle date being changed by one day-yes you were billed an extra $1.12 for that day of service-yes you were notified-last month at the bottom of the bill-oh, you can't be bothered to read your bill-so I can add a $50.00 stupidity tax and you'd pay it without asking? Score! free money everyone!!!

I have dealt with all these this week alone!!

BlaqueKatt-yes I know you can hear me but do you have the ability to understand me?

[Reyneth]

I WILL NOT interrupt a buisness meeting the owners are having to find out 1) how long the meeting will last or 2) where the book of card designs is, even though you are "the customer" as you so bitchily told me. If you can't be bothered to make an appointment, as is required, you will not be helped. No one is available to help you - having the book does you no good, and the owners have other things to do after the meeting is over, not deal with you. Just because it is your only day off, I still don't give an airborne rodent's posterior because *you do not have an appointment.*

[MMATM]

You do not get to come back and lift/squeeze/etc our breads "for freshness" even if you do ultimately buy them. I just told you they came out of the oven an hour ago.

You do not get to leave the construction site because it is drizzling intermittently. Particularly not when the only people left are the clerk of the works and his assistant, who then have to pour the grout for which you were responsible. This goes double if it begins storming halfway through the pouring of the grout, which would've been done by now if you hadn't left.

You do not get to exchange a muffin you bought two hours ago with another one of the same type because you didn't bring the first one straight home and your wife will not like a stale muffin.

You do not get to pay for a bagel with nothing on it, then go back to the servers and ask for a side of butter (which costs extra) with no intention of paying for it.

[ArenaBoy]

You do not say that box office gave orders for me to let you in despite the fact that you do know that you need a pass.

On that same subject, do not say that your box office confirmation number will get you in.

Do not try calling box office while you're out in the lot waiting to get into VIP, show the pass or go.

Do not try to use a parking receipt to get into VIP, the pass is meant for your money back or to get into parking lot if you got here too early and want to get some food or go shopping and come back later.

Do not think that just because your ticket says suite, means that it can get you suite parking. Those tickets are meant to get you into your suite, you want to park in suite, fork over the cash to box office in order to get a pass.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

You do not get to use the service desk as a regular checkout and bring your heaping cart of dog food, 300-ounce bottles of detergent, TVs, etc, there, when all the other open checkout only have one or two people in line. If the lines are jammed, the people at the service desk will invite you to check out there ONLY IF YOU HAVE A FEW SMALL ITEMS.

Ditto for the jewelry counter

Ditto for the electronics counter

Ditto for the pharmacy counter

Ditto for the optical counter. The only exception to this is given on Black Friday.

You and your high school chums are not Steve-O and Johnny Knoxville; therefore do not use the wheelchairs we provide for diabled customers to perform your own version of Jackass. If I had my way, if you were not sufficiently disabled to use the wheelchair but used it anyway, you would be sufficiently disabled to use it after I got done with you.

You do not get to put furniture items on hold because we couldn't stuff them into your Yugo or other tin can on wheels, and then wait a week to pick them up. They will have been returned to stock by then. Items can be held for 24 hours only, no exceptions.

Ditto for rain checks. They are first-come, first serve. You had better come in when we call you to guarantee you will get your item.

Do not ask us if we still carry Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and then stomp away huffing "I'M NEVER SHOPPING HERE AGAIN!" when we tell you we don't. We stopped carrying them about 2 years ago. Go to the gas station for your fix.

[Spiffy McMoron]

Do not ask us if we still carry Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and then stomp away huffing "I'M NEVER SHOPPING HERE AGAIN!" when we tell you we don't. We stopped carrying them about 2 years ago. Go to the gas station for your fix.

If they haven't shopped for that product at your store in over two years (and I'll be so bold to say that Krispy Kremes are something you'd get more regularly than once every two years) than they probably aren't the most frequent of shoppers anyways.

[Cyanocobalamin]

Do not ask me to look up product specs or inventory, then walk away and disappear. And then do not bitch that I never came back to help you if I can't find you anywhere in the store.

Do not complain that I can't get a sales specialist to help you immediately. My rectum is OE, not modded with the "Magical Make Anything Appear" widget.

[Spiffy McMoron]

My rectum is OE, not modded with the "Magical Make Anything Appear" widget.

I'm sure that scientists are working on this. Or perhaps it's the next step in body modification.

Tattoos and peircings are so 20th century-you have to see what I can do!

-You don't get to haggle on the price. It's list for a reason. I know how to change it, but if I am trying to get fired, I want to "borrow" the Porche that's on the lot.

[Rapscallion]

You do not tell me that you spoke to our managing director last time.

We're a worker-owned cooperative and do not have one.

Rapscallion

[powerboy]

I cannot pull Manga's, and DVD out of my ass, so when I say that it has not come in yet, just accept it, and walk away, not bitch at me, as if there is anything I could do. I didn't order it, but I do have a sheet stating when it will come, and what all is in the shipment.

[Lyger]

You are not allowed to be angry if you drive away from the gas pump while the pump's still in your car. Did you hear the pump go off? Did you see me hand you a receipt? Pay a little more attention!

You are not going to bribe me into filling your car while it's still running. I would rather not get written up for you. And I would like it even less if this gas station blew up and took all of us with it. You turn your engine off for a reason when you get your car filled!

You are not allowed to look at me with disgust because I'm wheeling around a blue bin filled with recycling. I'm not some homeless guy who's asking you for money; I'm doing my job. And I do my own laundry, thank you.