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Haagen Daas Insurgency
It is once again time. As I slowly and horrifyingly approach my 10th year of working in this industry, my spirit wanes.
....What?
SC: “I’d like to speak with a hermaphrodite please?”
Me: “…with….what, sorry?”
SC: “Oh, my mistake. <click>.”
Thank you, now I’ll be spending the rest of my waking hours today praying I heard that wrong.
Hot Tips
SC: “I figure Al Qaeda’s religion is really fragile, right. You could break it really easy, right.”
Can I ask you an honest question while you’re still sort of lucid? How is it you pay enough attention to CNN to offer advice on how to solve the world’s problems, but never enough attention to actually understand anything about what those problems are? Because I think you’ve tragically confused Al Qaeda with something else entirely. I know, it’s not an English term and a lot of foreign words and terms can be rather difficult to learn. It’s easy to get them confused with each other.
But I’ll give you a hint: Hagen Daas isn’t the one hiding out in the mountains of Pakistan.
Who You Gonna Call?
Me: "Good evening, Dr <name>'s office"
SC: “What time is it? The power is out here.”
Oh no! It’s the middle of the night, the power has gone out and all the clocks are dead…….I better call my doctor!
Mystery Solved
SC: “How long will it take to get here?”
Me: “It takes about two weeks.”
SC: “Oh, I thought it was two months.”
…no, just two weeks. Although, all things considered when I look at your location I can firmly believe it use to take two months before the lot of you decided to flatten enough nearby ground for a plane to land. Much to the relief of Canada Post I’m sure. Who originally had to ship everything by a combination of hiking, canoe and dog sled with only a 50/50 employee survival rate. Even those that survived rarely returned, for they knew the horrors that awaited them already and few were brave enough to dare the return trip as well.
Historically speaking, stranded, terrified mail men probably kept the local gene pool from drying out entirely for decades.
Problem Solving Skills
Problem:
The only catalog you have is an old tattered one from 2008. The item you lust for from within its clandestine pages is no longer carried by us. You are sad.
Solution:
Wait ten minutes. Call back, give your name and address all over again. Realize you’re speaking to the same operator. Ask for the exact same item again in the hopes that maybe in the last 10 minutes tiny elves have broken into our warehouse in the dead of night to weave us new clothes. Using a combination of golden needles, elf hair and field mice to drive their spinning wheels. Oh, and that had they had foresight to actually stop and update our computer inventory on their way out.
That Which Struts
You know, I made the fool mistake of looking out at the platform when the Skytrain pulled into Broadway this evening. I know I shouldn’t. I know there are things out there better left unseen. Yet still I gaze. Only to realize that some thing had wandered into my field of vision. Something hot neon pink. Hot pink neon dress. Hot pink neon belt. Hot pink neon knee high stockings. Black fishnets under those though. Oh, and a blond perm that even Janis Joplin wouldn’t have left the house with.
Oh GK, you say. That’s just a run of the mill fashion disaster, it wasn’t some horrible, emotionally scarring theatre of misery you accidently bore witness too!
And to you, I say: It was a guy.
Hot Tips
SC: “I have the ark of the covenant tattooed on my right hand.”
Thank you. Yes, that’s right. Thank you. Why, you ask? Because after years of listening to your depraved gibbering you’ve finally given me, and everyone else that reads this, a method of identifying you should they ever find themselves sitting near you on transit. Which has, for many years, been one of my deepest fears. Now I know exactly how to spot you. Which should give me enough time to run before you realize there’s something nearby you can share an opinion with that isn’t furniture.
SC: “Because I’ve been clinically dead 7 times.”
…..you know, if you’ve been killed seven times you’ve got to be doing something wrong with your life. The universe is trying to tell you something.
SC: “I met Jesus in person.”
And yet you’ve died seven times? You must have made a terrible first impression.
SC: "And what he wants is burnt offerings, the he’ll let you know how to resolve the situation in Iran.”
No, seriously. Dude. Seven times. I think what Jesus honestly wants is for you to just shut up and be quiet for a while.
Hot Tips
SC: “You should make Warren Buffet president.”
First of all, I don’t have control over the office of the president of the United States and can’t just appoint anyone. That’s why you have President Obama and Vice-President Joe Biden and not President Gary Busey and Vice President The Four Year Supply of Red Bull He’s Legally Obligated To Drink From Before Addressing Congress.
Second of all, Warren Buffet is older than even John McCain. People kind of want a president that has more than a 50/50 shot of actually living till the end of his term. Which, admittedly, casts some doubt on Gary Busey / Red Bull 2012.
We May Never Know
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “xxxx?”
Me: “Alright, what size?”
SC: “That’s a jacket right?”
Me: “Sorry?”
SC: “Is it a jacket or a sweater? I can’t tell.”
You can’t tell whether the “Fox Bossa Nova Jacket” is a jacket or a sweater? It seems to me there’s a rather large hint to be found somewhere within the product description that could unravel this complex mystery for you.
<cough>, Sorry
Me: “And when does it expire?”
SC: “04/10? Wait, 07-13….06-14……sorry….06……it’s so shiny!”
ITS SO SHINY I’M GONNA DIE.
Ok, I'll Stop Now
Me: “And which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “The same one I use all the time.”
I believe I asked “Which credit card would you like to use” not “Gee Brain, what credit card are we going to use tonight?” ( The same card we use every night, Pinky. The platinum RBC Mastercard with bonus air miles! ).
Easy There
Me: “What system are you running on?”
SC: “Uh….computer.”
Good thing you clarified, otherwise I would have assumed you were processing Interact with a stick, 3 paper clips and a ham radio.
Big Words
Me: “What colour would you like?”
SC: “In….ingord. Indorgu. Indaboo.”
…..I assume you’re trying to dribble out ”Indigo”? It’s alright, I understand what you mean. For the moment anyhow. You can wipe the results of dropping out in the 3rd grade off your chin now.
Dr. What
SC: “How much longer do I have to return this?”
Me: “You can return it any time before Jan 28th.”
SC: “Oh, so I’ve missed it then.”
Hail, time traveler! I see you have come to us from the future! Pray tell, what knowledge of things to come can you share with us? Will dark times be upon us? Is there some devastating event in our future that we can only avoid if we act now? Have you come to warn us to avert the destruction of the human race as you have witnessed firsthand in the grim future you hail from?
Oh, what’s that? You just wanted to exchange a sweater? Well, ok then.
Incorrect!
SC: “Is this a taxi?”
Me: “No, you have the wrong number.”
SC: “Oh, alright, thanks <click>”
“Alright, thanks”? The correct response isn’t “Alright, thanks” it’s “Oh god I’m so SO sorry for calling you this late at night I hope I didn’t disturb you please forgive me it will never happen again, SORRY <click>”.
Please?
( Yes I asked. No, I haven't heard back yet. )
I would like to officially put in a request to Client Services to permit the use of the phrase “Please take the phone out of your mouth” on this line ( the...northmost one ) without being penalized during my QA reviews.
Dedication
SC: “This is Jacqueline from <company>”
Me: “Alright, can you spell your first name please?”
SC: “Jacqueline”
Me: “Yes, but how do you spell it please?”
SC: “My name is Jacqueline”
Me: “Can you spell it please?”
SC: “I’m calling from <company>”
Me: “Yes, but can you spell your name please?”
SC: “About serial #xxxxxx”
Me: “Alright, but can you spell your name for me please? So I have it correct on your service request?”
SC: “Jacqueline”
Me: “Can you spell it please?”
Damn, girl. Do I need a hammer and some nails to get an idea through that skull of yours? Because I’ll get them. Don’t underestimate my dedication to my craft. I’m not sure if there’s a Home Depot around here that’s open this early but I swear I’ll find one if there is. Failing that I’m sure I can at least find some framing nails at 7/11 and something heavy enough to drive them in with. I do have a stapler on my desk here. It may take longer and you may experience some mild discomfort, but by god I’ll get it through there eventually.
annnnnd rest.
....What?
SC: “I’d like to speak with a hermaphrodite please?”
Me: “…with….what, sorry?”
SC: “Oh, my mistake. <click>.”
Thank you, now I’ll be spending the rest of my waking hours today praying I heard that wrong.
Hot Tips
SC: “I figure Al Qaeda’s religion is really fragile, right. You could break it really easy, right.”
Can I ask you an honest question while you’re still sort of lucid? How is it you pay enough attention to CNN to offer advice on how to solve the world’s problems, but never enough attention to actually understand anything about what those problems are? Because I think you’ve tragically confused Al Qaeda with something else entirely. I know, it’s not an English term and a lot of foreign words and terms can be rather difficult to learn. It’s easy to get them confused with each other.
But I’ll give you a hint: Hagen Daas isn’t the one hiding out in the mountains of Pakistan.
Who You Gonna Call?
Me: "Good evening, Dr <name>'s office"
SC: “What time is it? The power is out here.”
Oh no! It’s the middle of the night, the power has gone out and all the clocks are dead…….I better call my doctor!
Mystery Solved
SC: “How long will it take to get here?”
Me: “It takes about two weeks.”
SC: “Oh, I thought it was two months.”
…no, just two weeks. Although, all things considered when I look at your location I can firmly believe it use to take two months before the lot of you decided to flatten enough nearby ground for a plane to land. Much to the relief of Canada Post I’m sure. Who originally had to ship everything by a combination of hiking, canoe and dog sled with only a 50/50 employee survival rate. Even those that survived rarely returned, for they knew the horrors that awaited them already and few were brave enough to dare the return trip as well.
Historically speaking, stranded, terrified mail men probably kept the local gene pool from drying out entirely for decades.
Problem Solving Skills
Problem:
The only catalog you have is an old tattered one from 2008. The item you lust for from within its clandestine pages is no longer carried by us. You are sad.
Solution:
Wait ten minutes. Call back, give your name and address all over again. Realize you’re speaking to the same operator. Ask for the exact same item again in the hopes that maybe in the last 10 minutes tiny elves have broken into our warehouse in the dead of night to weave us new clothes. Using a combination of golden needles, elf hair and field mice to drive their spinning wheels. Oh, and that had they had foresight to actually stop and update our computer inventory on their way out.
That Which Struts
You know, I made the fool mistake of looking out at the platform when the Skytrain pulled into Broadway this evening. I know I shouldn’t. I know there are things out there better left unseen. Yet still I gaze. Only to realize that some thing had wandered into my field of vision. Something hot neon pink. Hot pink neon dress. Hot pink neon belt. Hot pink neon knee high stockings. Black fishnets under those though. Oh, and a blond perm that even Janis Joplin wouldn’t have left the house with.
Oh GK, you say. That’s just a run of the mill fashion disaster, it wasn’t some horrible, emotionally scarring theatre of misery you accidently bore witness too!
And to you, I say: It was a guy.
Hot Tips
SC: “I have the ark of the covenant tattooed on my right hand.”
Thank you. Yes, that’s right. Thank you. Why, you ask? Because after years of listening to your depraved gibbering you’ve finally given me, and everyone else that reads this, a method of identifying you should they ever find themselves sitting near you on transit. Which has, for many years, been one of my deepest fears. Now I know exactly how to spot you. Which should give me enough time to run before you realize there’s something nearby you can share an opinion with that isn’t furniture.
SC: “Because I’ve been clinically dead 7 times.”
…..you know, if you’ve been killed seven times you’ve got to be doing something wrong with your life. The universe is trying to tell you something.
SC: “I met Jesus in person.”
And yet you’ve died seven times? You must have made a terrible first impression.
SC: "And what he wants is burnt offerings, the he’ll let you know how to resolve the situation in Iran.”
No, seriously. Dude. Seven times. I think what Jesus honestly wants is for you to just shut up and be quiet for a while.
Hot Tips
SC: “You should make Warren Buffet president.”
First of all, I don’t have control over the office of the president of the United States and can’t just appoint anyone. That’s why you have President Obama and Vice-President Joe Biden and not President Gary Busey and Vice President The Four Year Supply of Red Bull He’s Legally Obligated To Drink From Before Addressing Congress.
Second of all, Warren Buffet is older than even John McCain. People kind of want a president that has more than a 50/50 shot of actually living till the end of his term. Which, admittedly, casts some doubt on Gary Busey / Red Bull 2012.
We May Never Know
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “xxxx?”
Me: “Alright, what size?”
SC: “That’s a jacket right?”
Me: “Sorry?”
SC: “Is it a jacket or a sweater? I can’t tell.”
You can’t tell whether the “Fox Bossa Nova Jacket” is a jacket or a sweater? It seems to me there’s a rather large hint to be found somewhere within the product description that could unravel this complex mystery for you.
<cough>, Sorry
Me: “And when does it expire?”
SC: “04/10? Wait, 07-13….06-14……sorry….06……it’s so shiny!”
ITS SO SHINY I’M GONNA DIE.
Ok, I'll Stop Now
Me: “And which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “The same one I use all the time.”
I believe I asked “Which credit card would you like to use” not “Gee Brain, what credit card are we going to use tonight?” ( The same card we use every night, Pinky. The platinum RBC Mastercard with bonus air miles! ).
Easy There
Me: “What system are you running on?”
SC: “Uh….computer.”
Good thing you clarified, otherwise I would have assumed you were processing Interact with a stick, 3 paper clips and a ham radio.
Big Words
Me: “What colour would you like?”
SC: “In….ingord. Indorgu. Indaboo.”
…..I assume you’re trying to dribble out ”Indigo”? It’s alright, I understand what you mean. For the moment anyhow. You can wipe the results of dropping out in the 3rd grade off your chin now.
Dr. What
SC: “How much longer do I have to return this?”
Me: “You can return it any time before Jan 28th.”
SC: “Oh, so I’ve missed it then.”
Hail, time traveler! I see you have come to us from the future! Pray tell, what knowledge of things to come can you share with us? Will dark times be upon us? Is there some devastating event in our future that we can only avoid if we act now? Have you come to warn us to avert the destruction of the human race as you have witnessed firsthand in the grim future you hail from?
Oh, what’s that? You just wanted to exchange a sweater? Well, ok then.
Incorrect!
SC: “Is this a taxi?”
Me: “No, you have the wrong number.”
SC: “Oh, alright, thanks <click>”
“Alright, thanks”? The correct response isn’t “Alright, thanks” it’s “Oh god I’m so SO sorry for calling you this late at night I hope I didn’t disturb you please forgive me it will never happen again, SORRY <click>”.
Please?
( Yes I asked. No, I haven't heard back yet. )
I would like to officially put in a request to Client Services to permit the use of the phrase “Please take the phone out of your mouth” on this line ( the...northmost one ) without being penalized during my QA reviews.
Dedication
SC: “This is Jacqueline from <company>”
Me: “Alright, can you spell your first name please?”
SC: “Jacqueline”
Me: “Yes, but how do you spell it please?”
SC: “My name is Jacqueline”
Me: “Can you spell it please?”
SC: “I’m calling from <company>”
Me: “Yes, but can you spell your name please?”
SC: “About serial #xxxxxx”
Me: “Alright, but can you spell your name for me please? So I have it correct on your service request?”
SC: “Jacqueline”
Me: “Can you spell it please?”
Damn, girl. Do I need a hammer and some nails to get an idea through that skull of yours? Because I’ll get them. Don’t underestimate my dedication to my craft. I’m not sure if there’s a Home Depot around here that’s open this early but I swear I’ll find one if there is. Failing that I’m sure I can at least find some framing nails at 7/11 and something heavy enough to drive them in with. I do have a stapler on my desk here. It may take longer and you may experience some mild discomfort, but by god I’ll get it through there eventually.
annnnnd rest.
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