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Gender Swap Day!
Once again, it is time.
Nrrrr
( At 11:45pm )
Me: “and your order should arrive in about 2-3 weeks.”
SC: “Thanks. Enjoy the rest of the day!”
I say, sir! Are you mocking me? I will have you know that I am the only one permitted to revel in the linguistic pleasures of sarcasm at this hour! You intrude upon my domain, villain! But I will forgive this transgression….just this once. For your powers are feeble compared to my own, and your attempt was more bemusing than effective.
Currency of the North
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “….uh……uh…..”
Unless you're the communications officer onboard the Enterprise, this is not a question that should be prefixed with even one “Uh”. Never mind two.
Me: “Are your phone number please?”
SC: “uh….xxxx.”
Me: “What’s the entire number please?”
SC: “xxx.”
Me: “…………….”
SC: “……………”
Me: “May I have the entire number please?”
SC: “Oh, uh. The one I wanna order?”
Me: “No, your phone number please.”
SC: “xxx-xxx-2069.”
Me: “xxx-xxx-2069?”
SC: “Yeah, cus it take’s 20 of us to make 69! Remember? Hahaha!”
….I have absolutely no idea what that means and I suddenly feel compelled to point out that contrary to what appears to be the popular belief in your area, paint thinner is not part of a complete breakfast.
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “Ok…uh….where the hell is it…..ok, 0...9….dash…or something……4”
Alternative, you could have referred to it as a “minus sign” I suppose. But that would imply a rudimentary grasp of mathematics that’s likely far too much for me to hope for at this point.
Me: “Anything else?”
SC: “Yeah! There’s a hoodie here…….jus wait……..there was one…….it was pretty awesome……where the hell did it go?”
Perhaps I can shed some light on this mystery. See, when you turn the pages of the catalog, it will naturally cause new items to appear while simultaneously hiding old items from view. If you wish to find this hoodie again, you must attempt to reverse course and flip the pages back the other way until it once again magically reappears.
SC: “Jus wait a minute, k?”
Me: “Alright.”
SC: “Just hold a minute, k?”
Me: “Alright”
SC: “........Don’t hang up! Hello?”
Me: “Yes?”
SC: “Don’t hang up!”
Me: “…..I won’t.”
Believe me, I would dearly love too. But worry not, the fact I have rent to pay shall keep me bound here until your return.
SC: “You got that one hoodie though, right? Cus I need it, I need to pay back someone.”
…….That….actually makes a strange sort of sense. I’ve always wondered why you and your ilk spend such amazing amounts of money on hoodies, hats and pants night after night. But if what you profess is true and you require a hoodie to repay someone….that would seem to indicate these articles of clothing are the real form of currency you use up there. Canadian money is just a worthless stack of paper whose only real purpose is to order additional articles of clothing which are then used as the actual currency in town. It would explain so much.
It all makes sense.
Hot Tips
SC: “Hi, my name is Vick.”
Oh, hello Uncle Vick. Haven’t heard from you in a while. Weren’t you suppose to be moving back in with your parents or something? I take it the move went well then. All settled in are we? Back to business as usual? Very well, what’s on your diseased mind this evening, Vick?
SC: “Hey, President Mubard’s giving you 8 months.”
I assume you mean Mubarak in Egypt?
SC: "I suggest in that 8 months you guys mobilize your forces and get in there with those guys that are organizing for democracy. He’s giving you 8 months. Ok?”
Me: “So wars on three fronts then you mean? Brilliant!”
SC: “Huh?”
Seriously, Vick. Let me level with you here. Do you seriously think the US army is going to accept military strategy from some random Canadian whose only claim to fame is that he thinks his sister once harboured Osama Bin Laden’s brother in law on her couch? Even if the top brass had been huffing paint this morning and thought this was a good idea, you’re not even calling the right number. Why don’t you drudge up some phone numbers for the Army or Navy and bug them for a while.
Though seriously, your advice is to open a third war front? Haven’t you ever played Risk?
I Couldn't Stop Myself
It seems I must learn how to better internalize while in public. Seeing as someone stepped directly into my personal space while I was waiting for the light to change on the corner across from the office. And I immediately “Tsst”’d him like the Dog Whisperer. He gave me a weird look and moved away from me. So…well, actually that accomplished exactly what I wanted so perhaps I should remember this trick for later.
Somewhere out there, someone is posting a story on his blog about this weirdo he ran into while waiting for the light to change.
You ASS.
Me: “Can I help you?”
SC: “Yes, maybe you can help me. I’m calling from Saudi Arabia.”
Me: “Alright?”
SC: “I’m having a debate between me and my friend. How do you pronounce “school”? I’m saying “Sachowl”, my friend is saying “Saacool”.”
Me: “….I think you have the wrong number.”
SC: “Yes, I know I have the wrong number. You speak English though, so you can help me.”
So you intentionally called the wrong number to a place where it’s 3 in the morning just to settle an amazingly stupid bet with your friend in which you were both wrong? I fear the English language does not contain any words that can properly encompass my displeasure and contempt for you. If you would be so kind as to leave me a call back number, I’ll give you a ring back after I’ve searched through the Arabic language for an appropriate term. Say around sometime this afternoon? Maybe 4ish? Oh, wait, no, with the time difference that would make it around 3am there then. Ah well, I’m sure you won’t mind.
Let me know if I pronounce wrong.
Inside Job
Me: “And your first name please?”
SC: “Steve”
Hrm, pardon my saying so but you sound a bit……dainty, to be a “Steve”.
Me: “Are you placing an order for Steve?”
SC: “Yep.”
Me: “Alright, may I speak with Steve then?”
SC: “I am Steve.”
Me: “….you just said you were placing an order for Steve?”
SC: “……………..”
Me: “……………..”
I realize you could technically be Steve and place an order for Steve at the same time. But interpreting my question that way would require paint thinner as part of a complete breakfast.
SC: “42657."
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “42657.”
Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not sure what you’re referring too?”
SC: “…………….”
Me: “…………….”
SC: “<click>”
……I fear there may be a spy amongst us. Clearly that was supposed to be some sort of secret code or sleeper activation signal. She quickly fled when she realized I wasn’t the contact. They must have someone on the inside. Someone to quietly funnel them pants and hats under our noses. Still, it doesn’t make sense….history has long since proven there isn’t a one amongst them that could manage to function in polite society. There’s no way they could maintain their cover here. We’d spot them quite easily after they showed up late for their shift because they were stuck outside for 2 hours, pushing the pull door until someone noticed and let them in.
It’s far more likely they actually perished between here and there. Inadvertently done in the moment they encountered civilization. I should check local newspapers in northern BC to see if there were any cases of someone accidently drowning in the restroom of a McDonalds.
Gender Swap
( An hour later )
Me: “And your first name please?”
SC: “Melissa”
Hrm, pardon my saying so but you sound a bit……manly, to be a “Melissa”. Is that you, Steve?
Me: “Are you ordering for Melissa?”
SC: “I’m trying to order xxxx minus xxx.”
First of all, that’s not what I asked. Second of all, I applaud your loose grasp of mathematics even if misapplied and I can blame no one but myself for that misapplication. Third of all, I can hear Melissa giggling in the background. So I assume you must be Steve and today is just Gender Swap day in north lands. Or…er…Angutaunirluunnit Kiputtut Quagani. Yes, I went and looked that up. Yes, it’s kind of quiet this evening.
Also, now that I compare that to what appears on screen after I catch my cat on my computer desk. I think my cat may actually speak Inuit and is trying to tell me something.
Me: "And your number please?”
SC: “xxx-xxxx minus xxxxx.”
….did you just try and give me your phone number in the form of a math problem? Ok, look here a minute. I know you probably really excited since your son came home from pre-school and taught you about the glory of arithmetic, but there’s a time and a place for it. This is neither. So please try to rein in your enthusiasm a bit and apply it only when necessary.
Tag Team
Ok, ok, look, I know it’s Gender Swap Day up there and you’re all excited because you’re probably wearing women’s underwear right now. But please, just put her on the phone, would you? You’ve had to turn and ask her the answer to every single question I’ve asked you so far. With an annoyingly loud radio in the background playing “I’ve had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you”.
Ah, Transit
Have you ever been in a place where lots of people are talking loudly, such as a party ( or in this case, a Skytrain on Friday night ) and somehow everyone suddenly goes quiet at the exact same time leaving just one guy still talking loudly. And he says something that really he should have kept to himself in public? Such as “And if he asks you to take off your pants, don’t be afraid!”?
Yeah, I just love coming in on the Skytrain on the weekend.
Surprise Suprise
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “I want to order PANTS!”
Whoa, easy there girl. Calm down. The pants aren’t going to run away. I’m sure they would if they could, but luckily for you they’re inanimate and have no method of self defense. Also, a simple yes or no would have sufficed. At this point the fact you want to order pants is practically a given with every call on this line. If anything, you should let me know if you don’t want to order pants. That way I can begin making early preparations for the apocalypse. As that would surely be a sign of it.
Technology Is Hard
SC: “It’s suppose to print things and stuff.”
Things and stuff, is it? Your boss must sleep the sleep of angels knowing he’s left you in charge of the entire store all by yourself.
Me: “Alright, I’ll page a technician for you and have him call you back.”
SC: “Oh…so….I just hang up the phone now?”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m reasonable sure your boss is an alcoholic. Or will be soon enough.
Assets
$850 worth of pants? Oh my. Why, you must work in a bank! It explains all the ridiculously large orders like this. Northern banks converting their assets into the local currency. See? It makes sense!
annnnnnd rest.
Nrrrr
( At 11:45pm )
Me: “and your order should arrive in about 2-3 weeks.”
SC: “Thanks. Enjoy the rest of the day!”
I say, sir! Are you mocking me? I will have you know that I am the only one permitted to revel in the linguistic pleasures of sarcasm at this hour! You intrude upon my domain, villain! But I will forgive this transgression….just this once. For your powers are feeble compared to my own, and your attempt was more bemusing than effective.
Currency of the North
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “….uh……uh…..”
Unless you're the communications officer onboard the Enterprise, this is not a question that should be prefixed with even one “Uh”. Never mind two.
Me: “Are your phone number please?”
SC: “uh….xxxx.”
Me: “What’s the entire number please?”
SC: “xxx.”
Me: “…………….”
SC: “……………”
Me: “May I have the entire number please?”
SC: “Oh, uh. The one I wanna order?”
Me: “No, your phone number please.”
SC: “xxx-xxx-2069.”
Me: “xxx-xxx-2069?”
SC: “Yeah, cus it take’s 20 of us to make 69! Remember? Hahaha!”
….I have absolutely no idea what that means and I suddenly feel compelled to point out that contrary to what appears to be the popular belief in your area, paint thinner is not part of a complete breakfast.
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “Ok…uh….where the hell is it…..ok, 0...9….dash…or something……4”
Alternative, you could have referred to it as a “minus sign” I suppose. But that would imply a rudimentary grasp of mathematics that’s likely far too much for me to hope for at this point.
Me: “Anything else?”
SC: “Yeah! There’s a hoodie here…….jus wait……..there was one…….it was pretty awesome……where the hell did it go?”
Perhaps I can shed some light on this mystery. See, when you turn the pages of the catalog, it will naturally cause new items to appear while simultaneously hiding old items from view. If you wish to find this hoodie again, you must attempt to reverse course and flip the pages back the other way until it once again magically reappears.
SC: “Jus wait a minute, k?”
Me: “Alright.”
SC: “Just hold a minute, k?”
Me: “Alright”
SC: “........Don’t hang up! Hello?”
Me: “Yes?”
SC: “Don’t hang up!”
Me: “…..I won’t.”
Believe me, I would dearly love too. But worry not, the fact I have rent to pay shall keep me bound here until your return.
SC: “You got that one hoodie though, right? Cus I need it, I need to pay back someone.”
…….That….actually makes a strange sort of sense. I’ve always wondered why you and your ilk spend such amazing amounts of money on hoodies, hats and pants night after night. But if what you profess is true and you require a hoodie to repay someone….that would seem to indicate these articles of clothing are the real form of currency you use up there. Canadian money is just a worthless stack of paper whose only real purpose is to order additional articles of clothing which are then used as the actual currency in town. It would explain so much.
It all makes sense.
Hot Tips
SC: “Hi, my name is Vick.”
Oh, hello Uncle Vick. Haven’t heard from you in a while. Weren’t you suppose to be moving back in with your parents or something? I take it the move went well then. All settled in are we? Back to business as usual? Very well, what’s on your diseased mind this evening, Vick?
SC: “Hey, President Mubard’s giving you 8 months.”
I assume you mean Mubarak in Egypt?
SC: "I suggest in that 8 months you guys mobilize your forces and get in there with those guys that are organizing for democracy. He’s giving you 8 months. Ok?”
Me: “So wars on three fronts then you mean? Brilliant!”
SC: “Huh?”
Seriously, Vick. Let me level with you here. Do you seriously think the US army is going to accept military strategy from some random Canadian whose only claim to fame is that he thinks his sister once harboured Osama Bin Laden’s brother in law on her couch? Even if the top brass had been huffing paint this morning and thought this was a good idea, you’re not even calling the right number. Why don’t you drudge up some phone numbers for the Army or Navy and bug them for a while.
Though seriously, your advice is to open a third war front? Haven’t you ever played Risk?
I Couldn't Stop Myself
It seems I must learn how to better internalize while in public. Seeing as someone stepped directly into my personal space while I was waiting for the light to change on the corner across from the office. And I immediately “Tsst”’d him like the Dog Whisperer. He gave me a weird look and moved away from me. So…well, actually that accomplished exactly what I wanted so perhaps I should remember this trick for later.
Somewhere out there, someone is posting a story on his blog about this weirdo he ran into while waiting for the light to change.
You ASS.
Me: “Can I help you?”
SC: “Yes, maybe you can help me. I’m calling from Saudi Arabia.”
Me: “Alright?”
SC: “I’m having a debate between me and my friend. How do you pronounce “school”? I’m saying “Sachowl”, my friend is saying “Saacool”.”
Me: “….I think you have the wrong number.”
SC: “Yes, I know I have the wrong number. You speak English though, so you can help me.”
So you intentionally called the wrong number to a place where it’s 3 in the morning just to settle an amazingly stupid bet with your friend in which you were both wrong? I fear the English language does not contain any words that can properly encompass my displeasure and contempt for you. If you would be so kind as to leave me a call back number, I’ll give you a ring back after I’ve searched through the Arabic language for an appropriate term. Say around sometime this afternoon? Maybe 4ish? Oh, wait, no, with the time difference that would make it around 3am there then. Ah well, I’m sure you won’t mind.
Let me know if I pronounce wrong.
Inside Job
Me: “And your first name please?”
SC: “Steve”
Hrm, pardon my saying so but you sound a bit……dainty, to be a “Steve”.
Me: “Are you placing an order for Steve?”
SC: “Yep.”
Me: “Alright, may I speak with Steve then?”
SC: “I am Steve.”
Me: “….you just said you were placing an order for Steve?”
SC: “……………..”
Me: “……………..”
I realize you could technically be Steve and place an order for Steve at the same time. But interpreting my question that way would require paint thinner as part of a complete breakfast.
SC: “42657."
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “42657.”
Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not sure what you’re referring too?”
SC: “…………….”
Me: “…………….”
SC: “<click>”
……I fear there may be a spy amongst us. Clearly that was supposed to be some sort of secret code or sleeper activation signal. She quickly fled when she realized I wasn’t the contact. They must have someone on the inside. Someone to quietly funnel them pants and hats under our noses. Still, it doesn’t make sense….history has long since proven there isn’t a one amongst them that could manage to function in polite society. There’s no way they could maintain their cover here. We’d spot them quite easily after they showed up late for their shift because they were stuck outside for 2 hours, pushing the pull door until someone noticed and let them in.
It’s far more likely they actually perished between here and there. Inadvertently done in the moment they encountered civilization. I should check local newspapers in northern BC to see if there were any cases of someone accidently drowning in the restroom of a McDonalds.
Gender Swap
( An hour later )
Me: “And your first name please?”
SC: “Melissa”
Hrm, pardon my saying so but you sound a bit……manly, to be a “Melissa”. Is that you, Steve?
Me: “Are you ordering for Melissa?”
SC: “I’m trying to order xxxx minus xxx.”
First of all, that’s not what I asked. Second of all, I applaud your loose grasp of mathematics even if misapplied and I can blame no one but myself for that misapplication. Third of all, I can hear Melissa giggling in the background. So I assume you must be Steve and today is just Gender Swap day in north lands. Or…er…Angutaunirluunnit Kiputtut Quagani. Yes, I went and looked that up. Yes, it’s kind of quiet this evening.
Also, now that I compare that to what appears on screen after I catch my cat on my computer desk. I think my cat may actually speak Inuit and is trying to tell me something.
Me: "And your number please?”
SC: “xxx-xxxx minus xxxxx.”
….did you just try and give me your phone number in the form of a math problem? Ok, look here a minute. I know you probably really excited since your son came home from pre-school and taught you about the glory of arithmetic, but there’s a time and a place for it. This is neither. So please try to rein in your enthusiasm a bit and apply it only when necessary.
Tag Team
Ok, ok, look, I know it’s Gender Swap Day up there and you’re all excited because you’re probably wearing women’s underwear right now. But please, just put her on the phone, would you? You’ve had to turn and ask her the answer to every single question I’ve asked you so far. With an annoyingly loud radio in the background playing “I’ve had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you”.
Ah, Transit
Have you ever been in a place where lots of people are talking loudly, such as a party ( or in this case, a Skytrain on Friday night ) and somehow everyone suddenly goes quiet at the exact same time leaving just one guy still talking loudly. And he says something that really he should have kept to himself in public? Such as “And if he asks you to take off your pants, don’t be afraid!”?
Yeah, I just love coming in on the Skytrain on the weekend.
Surprise Suprise
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “I want to order PANTS!”
Whoa, easy there girl. Calm down. The pants aren’t going to run away. I’m sure they would if they could, but luckily for you they’re inanimate and have no method of self defense. Also, a simple yes or no would have sufficed. At this point the fact you want to order pants is practically a given with every call on this line. If anything, you should let me know if you don’t want to order pants. That way I can begin making early preparations for the apocalypse. As that would surely be a sign of it.
Technology Is Hard
SC: “It’s suppose to print things and stuff.”
Things and stuff, is it? Your boss must sleep the sleep of angels knowing he’s left you in charge of the entire store all by yourself.
Me: “Alright, I’ll page a technician for you and have him call you back.”
SC: “Oh…so….I just hang up the phone now?”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m reasonable sure your boss is an alcoholic. Or will be soon enough.
Assets
$850 worth of pants? Oh my. Why, you must work in a bank! It explains all the ridiculously large orders like this. Northern banks converting their assets into the local currency. See? It makes sense!
annnnnnd rest.
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