Dear Callers...

[Jay 2K Winger]

((Background-- I work at the IT Service Desk for a government contractor.))

Dear Callers...

This is only addressed to some of you. You are a blessed minority in the otherwise very routine, uncomplicated calls I regularly receive. However, certain aspects of your behavior just... irritate me slightly. Please bear with me while I vent so I don't feel the need to get violent.

One-- please don't eat while on the phone with me. I am wearing a headset and can hear the food crunching around in your mouth. It is distracting while I'm trying to fill out your trouble ticket.

Two-- please don't cut me off while I'm trying to speak, especially while I'm trying to simplify the two-minute exposition down to a brief synopsis to put in the ticket description. It only confuses things and forces me to have to start all over again.

Three-- please try not to breath too heavily into the phone. Good god, it makes you sound like some creepy stalker. Now I know why the term "mouth-breather" is so apt.

If you could please just try to rectify these minor issues, my sanity will thank you, and as a result, we can go about our lives without any serious... unpleasantness. Mmkay? Great.

Signed,

Jay 2K Winger

[barainga]

I recently received this message:

Dear Customer Service Employees

You simply do not understand. It is not your sanity, heart, or body that we are seeking to destroy. We are doing everything we can to chip away at your very soul until what once was recognizable as a sentient being is nothing more than a depraved husk. A shadow of what you might have been had we otherwise not intruded upon your being. This is a slow process. We have tried many different methods to achieve this end and have found that it is the best way.

Were we to implement a fast method then the body simply is not left hollow enough. If the process takes to long then you might experience a physical death before our goals are met. Only through our time tested method can we be sure of the souls complete annihilation before death prevents us from seeing the fruition of our work. Our goal is to leave your body so devoid of anything that might be considered an emotion that even a zombie would have a more meaningful and purposeful existence.

Sincerely, The SC Conglomerate



P.S. We thought about simply using zombiefication but much to our dismay we had nothing with which to feed the zombies with so they all died again or left in search of food. However we would happily reward anyone who can locate these 'brains' that the zombies seemed to be looking for as we dont have any in the office.


(This is an attempt by me to be funny. Hopefully I succeded.)

[Jay 2K Winger]

Dear SC Conglomerate,

I understand your stated goals. There is even a part of me that admires and approves of what you're doing. I suppose this is a sign that your work has been at least partially successful. Then again, my soul was a shriveled, blackened thing even before you began to try to erode it.

As it stands, however, I am now a faceless cog in a corporate machine, which gives me a degree of insulation against your tactics.

Yours,

Jay 2K Winger

PS - It somehow does not surprise me that you have a noted lack of supply of brains at your disposal. It really just proves a lot of the things I've heard said about you behind your back. But I'm no gossip, so I should not repeat what I've heard.

[Megg]

P.S. We thought about simply using zombiefication but much to our dismay we had nothing with which to feed the zombies with so they all died again or left in search of food. However we would happily reward anyone who can locate these 'brains' that the zombies seemed to be looking for as we dont have any in the office.

That was awesome!

[BlaqueKatt]

zombies are actually quite polite