Nerfturbation

[cinema guy]

Should Mr Brown finally snap and go upstairs and murder Mrs Brown, he'll be calling Kara from his cell.

"The guy in the cell upstairs is stomping loudly."

[Jester]

Before I proceed with my commentary, I have to tell you, GK, that this was one of the few times in my life that I was glad that I was NOT drinking a beer. Almost any situation (and yes, I do mean ANY situation) can be made that much more enjoyable with a beer, but every now and then, one comes up that clearly would not be. This week's post was one, as I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. Thank you, sir...and with all due respect....fuck you.

I must admit I’m amazingly thankful that I don’t actually know what website you’re referring too. Yet mildly disturbed that I think I have to add a knew fetish to the list of ones I'm unfortunately aware of thanks to the Internet.

I have no idea what website the caller was referring to. But I did find a few definitions of "nerfing":

--"Surfing geek oriented websites on the net." This could be a possibility.

--As a noun, "slang for nothing." As a verb, "doing nothing." This seems to be a contradiction to what the caller was saying.

--"The act of pushing down on the head of one who is performing an act of oral sex." Normally I would say this could not be the answer. But considering the general bent of your callers, GK, this probably really is what he/she was talking about.

I wouldn’t trust that boy to make cereal without starting a house fire.

Upon reading it a second time, it still makes me laugh hard enough to hurt my belly. Damn you, GK. Damn you! (I am so stealing this, and I will wait patiently for an appropriate time to use it at work. As I work in a bar and deal with drunks and tourists, it shouldn't take long.)

What precisely are you trying to make her check? Was there a noise outside? You fool! Haven’t you ever actually seen a horror movie? If there’s a noise outside you don’t actually go out to check. That’s suicidal. You never, ever, go to check on a noise.

Point of order: He didn't go check on the noise. He sent her, his "so-called girlfriend," to check on the noise. Which means he is not at all suicidal, as he has not placed himself in danger. Which means he is either homicidal and diabolically clever, or a cowardly pansy ass sending her to her death. But either way, he has amazing powers of self-preservation, wouldn't you say?

SC: “Don’t be scared, man! I’m *)&@ing payin’ for you. *@$@!”

And when she’s being dragged off into the night by Adruna, I’m sure that exquisite $25 hoodie you lavished on her will be her last fond memory on this earth.

I didn't read it like that. He didn't say he was paying for her order. He said he was paying for her. Which I took to mean that she's a prostitute. Which would mean that the phrase "my so-called girlfriend" actually made sense.

C: “I’ll call you back. I’m going to go back and reread what I'm reading to make sure I’m already reading what I’m reading already.”

I've actually said things very much like this, often at work, usually to customers. Don't even get me started on the town of Nowhere, Arizona!

...you’re going appear behind me and snap my neck. Then you’ll look down at my gurgling corpse and deliver some sort of awful one liner while you adjust the tie of your black Armani suit. Something like “Time for your break” or “I had to put you on hold”. After which you will escape the building via zipline into the sun roof of your BMW.

This is just one of many scenarios I've envisioned for some of the boys my nieces have dated. I have a vivid and rather violent imagination, it seems. Or should I say "we"....?

I fear your desires are about to go unfilled then.

Sounds like another one of my dates, actually.

…Right, ok, I’ll forgive you for that one. But again, this is the end of the conversation. I have explained what has transpired here and why you are tragically mistaken for dialing this number. No further inquiries are required. The burden of evidence is at hand. Please concede your error and withdraw.

The conversation has passed on. It is no more. It has ceased to be. It has expired and gone to meet its maker. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It's pushing up daisies. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's off the twig. It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. THIS IS AN EX-CONVERSATION!

Grasping Concepts #2

One of your best rants ever. I was dying laughing!

For the love of all that is holy and 4 things that aren’t but feel pretty good anyway...

Brilliant! Brilliant!

And really, you can't prevent a toddler from making noise every once in a while.

Sure you can. Two words: duct tape.

Perhaps I am naive, but I thought nerfing was just a verb used to describe the use of nerf products. Please don't kill my childhood.

I'm afraid I did a few paragraphs above. If it's any consolation, most of your childhood was lies your parents told you anyway. The Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, fairy godmothers, Plymouth Rock, the magic bullet, the idea that anyone could be President....need I say more?


And NOW I'm having a fucking beer!

[Mr Hero]

Perhaps I am naive, but I thought nerfing was just a verb used to describe the use of nerf products. Please don't kill my childhood.

I quite enjoyed the story of the people who could not understand that you simply owned the domain name, and that it wasn't actually an online hotel site. It was Hi-larious!!!

The only time I've heard "nerf" being used as a verb is in MMO updates or game sequels where "nerfing" turns a strong ability weaker.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Nerf

[UnFetteredSoul]

For the love of all that is holy and 4 things that aren’t but feel pretty good anyway

Hello, new sig quote.

Ah, a good one!
(Long time lurker, and admitted Gravekeeper Post Stalker)
My personal favorite so far: "Uncontrollable Personification of Chaos Made Flesh", which so accurately describes both my step daughter and my youngest daughter I had to double check that; no, we don't take public transportation, and yes, I believe we live in a different country than him.

Um.... I thought a Nerf was one of those sponge like footballs? Although they do make the dart guns and sponge darts, I wasn't aware it was a verb. I guess I need to get out more.

Thanks for my weekly fix!

[Becks]

SC: “I smurf allll the time, I just wanted to tell you that.”
Me: “…..Duly noted.”
SC: “I smurf constantly. Do you ever go on your website and just smurf to people?”

Edited for my amusement.

For the love of all that is holy and 4 things that aren’t but feel pretty good anyway

Permission to use as a Facebook status? :batting eyelashes:

[Andara Bledin]

The War Of The Roses ( Still! )

Um... Are you sure there are enough exclamation points? You need at least three. Four would be better.

SC: “Loud stomping from upstairs again! WOKE ME UP AGAIN! And put 4 exclaimation marks!”

Yup. Knew you'd had too few of them.

I’m afraid this is goodbye. For good this time!

Aw, come on. You know you can't stay away. I give it... three days, tops.

^-.-^

[Ghel]

THIS IS AN EX-CONVERSATION!

This made me laugh almost as hard as GK's OP. Another Monty Python fan here.

[Gravekeeper]

Hold on a minute. If Mrs. Brown has a 2-year-old child... surely it's possible that the child is making the noises. And really, you can't prevent a toddler from making noise every once in a while.

I'm not sure Mr Brown would care. However, Mrs Brown has testitified about her nocturnal box moving obsession. I'm pretty sure the company is ignoring Mr Brown completely at this point though. Which leads me to believe that he's mostly just a cranky bastard complaining about any noise.

Oh please can I have this for a sig? Pretty please with chocolate and wine and cookies on it??

Hey, she said it, not me. By all means. >.>

Perhaps I am naive, but I thought nerfing was just a verb used to describe the use of nerf products. Please don't kill my childhood.

But that's what the Internet is for! ( That and porn ).

Point of order: He didn't go check on the noise. He sent her, his "so-called girlfriend," to check on the noise. Which means he is not at all suicidal, as he has not placed himself in danger. Which means he is either homicidal and diabolically clever, or a cowardly pansy ass sending her to her death.

I'm going with cowardly pansy ass. Considering it's probably a polar bear. Seeing how it's apparently almost always a polar bear if you hear anything outside up there. -.-

I didn't read it like that. He didn't say he was paying for her order. He said he was paying for her. Which I took to mean that she's a prostitute. Which would mean that the phrase "my so-called girlfriend" actually made sense.

Gyah, I didn't even think of that. I highly doubt a village of this size has more than one working girl as well. If she's paid entirely in clothing from our client......it would completely explain why some places call so incredibly often despite having such small populations.....

This is just one of many scenarios I've envisioned for some of the boys my nieces have dated. I have a vivid and rather violent imagination, it seems. Or should I say "we"....?

Pfft, that's not violent. It's stylish. Yeah, that's it.....stylish.

THIS IS AN EX-CONVERSATION!

You know it's probably a good thing I didn't think of that. Because I could have gotten away with weaving it into the actual call one way or another......<cough>.

Fun fact: My manager has standing plans to cut my final shift. Should I ever quit, she's going to make sure she cuts my last shift off the schedule at the last second. To ensure I'm not left to my own devices on my last day at work and have a total brain to mouth shut down for the entire shift. ;p

Um.... I thought a Nerf was one of those sponge like footballs? Although they do make the dart guns and sponge darts, I wasn't aware it was a verb. I guess I need to get out more.

A verb with several definations apparently. I was aware of one ( in a gaming context ) but the other was somewhat amusing. >.>

Permission to use as a Facebook status? :batting eyelashes:

If you wish. ;p

[Andara Bledin]

Fun fact: My manager has standing plans to cut my final shift. Should I ever quit, she's going to make sure she cuts my last shift off the schedule at the last second. To ensure I'm not left to my own devices on my last day at work and have a total brain to mouth shut down for the entire shift. ;p

That just means you'll have to wait until your manager is gone, or schedule your last week for her vacation.

^-.-^

[houdini]

The War Of The Roses ( Sigh )

SC: “Loud stomping from upstairs again! WOKE ME UP AGAIN! And put 4 exclaimation marks!”

Ok...Mr Brown. Look, seriously, this is something like your 40th call about this. Wait, no, sorry, 38th. My bad. Anyway, look, why don’t you do us both a favour here: Put the phone down, go upstairs to their suite, kick in the door and assault anyone and everyone you find inside with the nearest object you can find. Not only will this resolve your problem, but it’ll solve ours by ensuring you never call us again. At least not until you come up for parole anyway.

You do realise the next call will be one of your "I need a lawyer...yes, I have been arrested...yes, I'm in serious trouble...yes, I need an emergency lawyer...oh, you recognised my voice?! Yes, I am Mr Brown. I beat her into a coma with a small pink teddy bear. I feel I have expressed a lot of my frustration and now feel a lot happier, but for some reason these police officers don't agree..."

[Becks]

If you wish. ;p

Woo hoo!!!!

If my friends and family didn't realize I was weird before, they will now!!!

[Jester]

Gyah, I didn't even think of that.

Hey, anytime I can think of something you didn't, no matter how disturbing or wrong, I consider it a victory.

You know it's probably a good thing I didn't think of that. Because I could have gotten away with weaving it into the actual call one way or another......<cough>.

No one here has any doubt that you could have. And that, sir, is victory number two for me.

Fun fact: My manager has standing plans to cut my final shift. Should I ever quit, she's going to make sure she cuts my last shift off the schedule at the last second. To ensure I'm not left to my own devices on my last day at work and have a total brain to mouth shut down for the entire shift. ;p

There are, of course, two ways around this.

Surprise Method: Don't give notice, but know full well when you consider your last shift to be.

Sneaky Method: Give your notice, but when your last schedule comes out, consider your next to last day your last day, and go full throttle. Then call in sick on your last day. Actually, you don't even need to call in sick, as she will have already cut your last schedule shift. Silly manager. To TELL you this ahead of time? Tsk, tsk, tsk. Does she not know that you have some of the most devious minds on the planet planning around her already?

If my friends and family didn't realize I was weird before, they will now!!!

The did. Trust me, they did.

[Becks]

The did. Trust me, they did.

Must be part of my charm, then.

[KabeRinnaul]

The Vigil

The vigil for MC Shake & Bake continues, but he has still not returned. Fans fear the worst. Reefer Beat is still out there though. You know, the guy with the bongo drums that always smells like pot? There's one in *every* major city. He’s practically always out there. Day and night. Every week. For years. I’m not sure if it’s one guy or if there’s some sort of underground clan of them that work the drums in shifts. But they all smell like pot. It is the dubious tapestry which links them all together.

That guy was my roommate the first half of my junior year. He always stole my sodas.

Then he eventually quit going to his classes and spent all of his time sitting in the commons playing his bongos.

[ceallaig]

[QUOTE]you will escape the building via zipline into the sun roof of your BMW.

Aston Martin, GK, unless the latest 'reboot' has changed Mr. Bond's mode of transport. And I can't believe the War is still going on