The Big Four

[Princess-Snake]

The Lieutenant
SC: Yes, little girl, about my tour package? I was wondering, little girl, if I could have any discounts?
Me: It seems I’ve given you every discount you’ve qualified for.
SC: Well, little girl, do have discounts for mothers with dead children?
Me: I’m…I’m sorry?
SC: You see, little girl, my only child died recently.
Me: I’m so very sorry for your loss, but we do not offer discounts for situations like yours.
SC: You don’t understand, little girl. Greece was where my little Timmy always wanted to go. So, I’m going for him, little girl.
Me: I’m sorry, but as I’ve said before…
Voice in background: Mommy! The oven’s beeping!
SC: Thanks Timmy! I’ll be right…pause Shit.
Me: Will there be anything else?
SC: Um…No thank you, little girl.
Hangs up

Number Four
Me: I’m terribly sorry, sir. But, I am not able to give you any more discounts.
SC: Oh, yes you will.
Me: Unfortunately, I can’t.
SC: It would be a shame if you were to have an “accident.” Now, would it?
Me: Sir…
SC: I’m an actor you know. I know how to use a make up brush. No one will ever recognize me.
Me: I am now terminating this call.
SC: Wait, what about…
Me: Hangs up

Number Three
SC: This price is an outrage! I can’t afford this!
Me: Well, perhaps we could remove some unnecessary…
SC: They’re all necessary! It is an insult that you would charge me this much for a cruise! Especially, since it’s a business trip!
Me: I’m very sorry, ma’am. Perhaps you’re company could…
SC: My company needs me to be on that cruise! I am giving a lecture to some potential clients! I’m a scientist! My calculations are needed at that lecture!
Me: Ma’am, perhaps your company could reimburse you if your appearance is needed on the cruise.
SC: Are you kidding?! My company will only pay for a double cabin! With no view, by the way! Such an insult! I’m a scientist! I deserve to be treated better! And you’re insulting me by charging me an outrageous price for a single suite with a view! I’m an important scientist!

Number Two
SC: I would like to make a few changes to my travel package, please.
Me: Certainly, sir. However, you will be charged $xxx for changing the package. This fee is refundable if you decide to book that particular package.
SC: Are you kidding? This is false advertisement!
Me: Actually, we have this policy written on our website.
SC: Well, I don’t see it, therefore it’s false advertisement.
Me: I’m sorry, sir, but the policy is written there.
SC: You know, I was going to book with you, but now I’m not so sure. I am a very successful billionaire, you know. Because of this outrage, I probably won’t book with you, and I’ll tell all of my clients about your horrible service.
Me: I’m very sorry, sir.
SC: That’s it? You’re very sorry? No discounts? You truly are horrible, aren’t you?
Me: Is there anything else I can do for you, sir?
SC: Yes! Cancel my package! I refuse to travel such a horrible company as yours! You just lost thousands of dollars over a measly $xxx fee. What do you think about that?
Me: Your package has been canceled, sir. Have a good day!
SC: Wait! You weren’t really…
Me: Hangs up

Number One
SC’s Secretary: My boss would like to book a tour to Greece.
Me: Alright, ma’am. We can do that. Does your boss have a specific package in mind, or would your boss prefer a customized package?
SC’s Secretary: Um… I’m not sure. Murmurs in background I think he wants one of your packages.
Me: Ok. Which one does he want?
SC’s Secretary: Umm…Murmurs He wants you to describe them.
Me: Ok. Is he on the other line?
SC’s Secretary: Oh, no. He doesn’t talk to secretaries like you or me. He wants you to describe the packages to me, then I tell his personal assistant, who will tell him what I just said.
Me:

These happened while I was shopping at my old grocery store.

Boo
Me: Grocery shopping and minding my own business.
Strange Lady: Walks up to me It’s ok, dear.
Me: I’m sorry?
SL: You’ll find your way home soon.
Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
SL: Oh, dear! You don’t know! Oh, it must have been violent!
Me: Ok….
SL: Dear, I hate to say this, but you’re dead.
Me: Wait, what?
SL: I know it’s hard to accept, but you’re dead. You’ll find your way home soon and your murderer will be swiftly punished upon his death.
Me: Ok… I need to finish my shopping.
SL: Gives me a card with her address If you need me, I’ll be waiting. Rest in peace, sweetie. Walks off
Me:

Princess-Lizard?
Me: Still shopping
Random Guy: Hey Matilda!
Me: Still shopping
RG: Walks up to me Yo, Matilda. I said Hey.
Me: I’m sorry? Were you talking to me?
RG: Aren’t you Matilda?
Me: No, I’m not.
RG: Oh! You must be her twin! You two look so much alike!
Me: I don’t have…
RG: Oh, yeah. Now I see that you’re not Matilda. She’s a little taller than you, like 5’10”
For the record, I’m 4’9”
RG: And she doesn’t have freckles, but man, you guys look so much alike.
Me: I’m sorry, but…
RG: Hey, are you guys like identical twins or fraternal? Do you know if she accepted my date invite yet?
Me: I don’t…
RG: You know, I haven’t seen your sister around lately. Every time I show up, I see her running off somewhere else. She busy or something?
Me: I…
RG: Well, I gotta go. Tell Matilda I’ll see her at eight. Nice meeting her twin. I never knew she had one. Well, see ya!
Me:

My old manager and co-workers kept laughing and saying, "Rest in peace, Matilda, I mean, Princess." for the remainder of my shopping.

[Mikkel]

Still working your way through Poirot .
Poor Number Two, did he call again?

Oh, and give my greetings to your twin sister .

[mikoyan29]

The important scientist guy should have recorded his calculations and given them to Kurt Russell to deliver...

[chainedbarista]

wow, ews all around.

doesn't talk to secretaries? piss on him, then; they're the ones that take care of things for you, you shit.

timmy must have risen from the dead, then; hope he bites her soon. the little girl shit? wtf, you and grape the cat get some serious dirtbags.

the scientist is just too lol.

for the discount whores: if you can afford to take a trip, you can afford to pay for it wholly; stop haggling, pay the bill and stfu.

[AnaKhouri]

Such an insult! I’m a scientist! I deserve to be treated better!

Um, as the wife of a scientist, I can say that unless a scientist is a Nobel Prize winner, they are treated like shit by their PI/university/company, whatever they deserve.

Although even some of the scientists I know, who get treated like shit, act like this woman, and by that I mean they are total elitist jerkwads.

[BamaBabe]

Boo
Me: Grocery shopping and minding my own business.
Strange Lady: Walks up to me It’s ok, dear.
Me: I’m sorry?
SL: You’ll find your way home soon.
Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
SL: Oh, dear! You don’t know! Oh, it must have been violent!
Me: Ok….
SL: Dear, I hate to say this, but you’re dead.
Me: Wait, what?
SL: I know it’s hard to accept, but you’re dead. You’ll find your way home soon and your murderer will be swiftly punished upon his death.
Me: Ok… I need to finish my shopping.
SL: Gives me a card with her address If you need me, I’ll be waiting. Rest in peace, sweetie. Walks off
Me:

OMG! I would have totally freaked out.

[XCashier]

Poor Number Two, did he call again?

An appropriate name for him. Though frankly, it fits all of them...

the little girl shit? wtf, you and grape the cat get some serious dirtbags.

Yeah, what's up with that?! Why the condescension? That's hardly the way to get someone to help you!

[EmiOfBrie]

Boo
Me: Grocery shopping and minding my own business.
Strange Lady: Walks up to me It’s ok, dear.
Me: I’m sorry?
SL: You’ll find your way home soon.
Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
SL: Oh, dear! You don’t know! Oh, it must have been violent!
Me: Ok….
SL: Dear, I hate to say this, but you’re dead.
Me: Wait, what?
SL: I know it’s hard to accept, but you’re dead. You’ll find your way home soon and your murderer will be swiftly punished upon his death.
Me: Ok… I need to finish my shopping.
SL: Gives me a card with her address If you need me, I’ll be waiting. Rest in peace, sweetie. Walks off
Me:

SL: Dear, I hate to say this, but you’re dead.

my reply would have been:
ME: No! I... AM.... FORSAKEN!!!



...I play way too much WoW

[MoonCat]

That....is the weirdest bunch of weird shit I've ever seen in one place. I think some of Gravekeeper's customers migrated to your area.

[Jester]

SC: Yes, little girl, about my tour package? I was wondering, little girl, if I could have any discounts?

Fuck you and your little girl shit.

SC: Well, little girl, do have discounts for mothers with dead children?

How about discounts for people who know dead people?
Or discounts for someone who's seen someone die?
Discounts for those who are dying? ("I'm not dead yet!")
What about a discount for those who just don't feel all that well?

SC: You see, little girl, my only child died recently.
SC: You don’t understand, little girl. Greece was where my little Timmy always wanted to go. So, I’m going for him, little girl.
Voice in background: Mommy! The oven’s beeping!
SC: Thanks Timmy! I’ll be right…pause Shit.

TIMMAY!

SC: I’m an actor you know. I know how to use a make up brush. No one will ever recognize me.

"EVERYBODY DOWN!!! He's got a makeup brush! And he'll use it, too!"

My company will only pay for a double cabin! With no view, by the way! Such an insult! I’m a scientist! I deserve to be treated better!

"Deserve ain't got nothin' to do with it."

And you’re insulting me by charging me an outrageous price for a single suite with a view! I’m an important scientist!

Apparently not THAT important.

SC: Well, I don’t see it, therefore it’s false advertisement.

I wonder how that legal strategy works for the blind and the near-sighted....

I am a very successful billionaire, you know.

Apparently not that successful, if you have to haggle about prices and browbeat employees doing their jobs.

No discounts?

Apparently not successful or a billionaire at all, if you have to demand discounts. "If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it."

SC: Yes! Cancel my package! I refuse to travel such a horrible company as yours! You just lost thousands of dollars over a measly $xxx fee. What do you think about that?
Me: Your package has been canceled, sir. Have a good day!
SC: Wait! You weren’t really…

And yet she did....

He doesn’t talk to secretaries like you or me. He wants you to describe the packages to me, then I tell his personal assistant, who will tell him what I just said.

Okay, well you tell his personal assistant that this lowly secretary is not at all impressed with his package, and says that actually it kinda looks like it's been through a rough night at the Blue Oyster Bar.

SL: Dear, I hate to say this, but you’re dead.

NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had so much to LIVE for! Before I died, I really wanted to shop at this store! Why, cruel fates, why?

[hinakiba777]

That SC called you Little Girl, nearly ten times. 7 to be exact from this story. If someone called me little girl twice, I would tell them to bugger off! You have much more patience than me

SL: Dear, I hate to say this, but you’re dead.

Me: Actually I'm Revnent but I'm so impressed you noticed. Now after I finish buying these Alphaghettis I'm going to go get revenge on my killer. SHHH! Don't tell anyone. *wink and walk away*

[Barefootgirl]

SC: [snip] I am a very successful billionaire, you know.

As opposed to all those unsuccessful billionaires out there....

[hinakiba777]

As opposed to all those unsuccessful billionaires out there....

Well, I WAS a Multi-Billionaire, but I wasn't very good at it.

[Yarnil]

And how does it feel to be the dead twin of someone you never met?

[Eireann]

If you were dead, how could you possibly need her card? What good would it do you in the afterlife? And how would you even be able to hold it?