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My imagined responses...
Background - I work in a plus-size clothing store. Every once in a while people (almost always men) ask what we do with our old promotional signs. These are large, foam core mounted, nearly life-size pictures of beautiful models size 12-16. They're always polite and well-spoken and seem perfectly innocent but somehow never want the pictures of models in jeans or suits or, you know, clothes - they're never the right size for their "projects". They always want the pictures that just happen to have models in bras, lingerie and skimpy clothes (shorts, low-cut tops, etc.).
We had a guy come in recently when it was just my manager and I working. She was in the back handling a very complicated return transaction and the couple customers we had were in the fitting rooms. I was alone up front changing the window signs, so thankfully, no one else realized what the guy wanted. I was polite but firm with him and, eventually, he left, swearing under his breath.
Ick. If ever
and 
were appropriate!
Here is what I soooo wanted to say:
What's that, sir? Why yes, we are just going to throw away the old signs. Yes, it is a terrible waste of perfectly good foam core but that's what corporate wants. Oh? Oh, this life-size, foam core picture of Ashely Graham* in her underwear is just the perfect size for your "son's" "science project"? I know, it is difficult to find a 2'x5' piece of foam core. My deepest sympathies. *Note: NSFW; also not the same image as our foam core sign.
Have you tried Office Max, across the street? Or Office Depot, down the block? Or Staples, a few blocks over? Or <Independent Office Supply Store>? Or Dick Blick? Or Michael's or Hobby Lobby? Or <Print Shop 1> or <Print Shop 2> or <Print Shop 3>? How about <Sign Manufacturer 1> or <Sign Manufacturer 2>? Really? None of them can get the right size? Wow. What are the odds that the only available piece of foam core in our entire city of 140,000 people would have a half-naked woman printed on it? Will wonders never cease?
Oh, you didn't think I'd be able to rattle off a dozen different places to buy foam core? Well, you see, you're not the first dedicated father searching for school project supplies and only finding naked ladies. You'd be amazed how often that happens. Really. Amazed.
No, sir, we can't give you the sign. It belongs to the company, not our store, and we have to dispose of it as they see fit. No, you can't buy it, either. This is a rights-protected image. Even if we held the license to this image buying a copy would be a few hundred dollars at least. What? You're willing to pay that? For your son's science project backdrop? What an excellent parent you are.
You know, I'm not sure a picture of a nearly-naked woman would be appropriate for a child's school project. Oh, I see. You were going to cover it up with paper. How forward-thinking of you.
Well, since it is hard to find foam core in this size why don't I give you this other piece? It was just a solid green background piece and isn't right-protected. You don't even have to pay! What's that? Oh, this is too big. I see. Well. We wouldn't want that. How ever would you cut it down to size?
Sir, you seem to be getting a bit agitated. There's really no need for that. I understand your dilemma and sympathize entirely. Despite being a sales associate at a women's clothing store I am now fully committed to finding a large piece of plain foam core for your son's project. We can do this. Yes we can.
Uh, why, yes, our dumpster is behind our building. We take trash out every night but we'll probably take these old posters out earlier, so they aren't taking up room in our hallway. Also, since this is a large poster, we will cut it into several small pieces and scatter them in different trash bags. No, we aren't anticipating you dumpster diving for the picture. What a notion. That's totally our standard procedure.
Really, sir, swearing is unnecessary. I'm doing everything in my power as a clothing store employee to get your son a large piece of foam core. I've explained why I can't give or sell you the picture of Ms. Graham - she is lovely, isn't she? - and offered you an alternative. I'm afraid we're going to have to ask you to leave. You are welcome to contact corporate headquarters. They may send you a gift card for your troubles but they will not send you a masturbatory aid. You'll just have to find a fake girlfriend elsewhere. I hear the internet is good for that.
We had a guy come in recently when it was just my manager and I working. She was in the back handling a very complicated return transaction and the couple customers we had were in the fitting rooms. I was alone up front changing the window signs, so thankfully, no one else realized what the guy wanted. I was polite but firm with him and, eventually, he left, swearing under his breath.
Ick. If ever
and were appropriate!Here is what I soooo wanted to say:
What's that, sir? Why yes, we are just going to throw away the old signs. Yes, it is a terrible waste of perfectly good foam core but that's what corporate wants. Oh? Oh, this life-size, foam core picture of Ashely Graham* in her underwear is just the perfect size for your "son's" "science project"? I know, it is difficult to find a 2'x5' piece of foam core. My deepest sympathies. *Note: NSFW; also not the same image as our foam core sign.
Have you tried Office Max, across the street? Or Office Depot, down the block? Or Staples, a few blocks over? Or <Independent Office Supply Store>? Or Dick Blick? Or Michael's or Hobby Lobby? Or <Print Shop 1> or <Print Shop 2> or <Print Shop 3>? How about <Sign Manufacturer 1> or <Sign Manufacturer 2>? Really? None of them can get the right size? Wow. What are the odds that the only available piece of foam core in our entire city of 140,000 people would have a half-naked woman printed on it? Will wonders never cease?
Oh, you didn't think I'd be able to rattle off a dozen different places to buy foam core? Well, you see, you're not the first dedicated father searching for school project supplies and only finding naked ladies. You'd be amazed how often that happens. Really. Amazed.
No, sir, we can't give you the sign. It belongs to the company, not our store, and we have to dispose of it as they see fit. No, you can't buy it, either. This is a rights-protected image. Even if we held the license to this image buying a copy would be a few hundred dollars at least. What? You're willing to pay that? For your son's science project backdrop? What an excellent parent you are.
You know, I'm not sure a picture of a nearly-naked woman would be appropriate for a child's school project. Oh, I see. You were going to cover it up with paper. How forward-thinking of you.
Well, since it is hard to find foam core in this size why don't I give you this other piece? It was just a solid green background piece and isn't right-protected. You don't even have to pay! What's that? Oh, this is too big. I see. Well. We wouldn't want that. How ever would you cut it down to size?
Sir, you seem to be getting a bit agitated. There's really no need for that. I understand your dilemma and sympathize entirely. Despite being a sales associate at a women's clothing store I am now fully committed to finding a large piece of plain foam core for your son's project. We can do this. Yes we can.
Uh, why, yes, our dumpster is behind our building. We take trash out every night but we'll probably take these old posters out earlier, so they aren't taking up room in our hallway. Also, since this is a large poster, we will cut it into several small pieces and scatter them in different trash bags. No, we aren't anticipating you dumpster diving for the picture. What a notion. That's totally our standard procedure.
Really, sir, swearing is unnecessary. I'm doing everything in my power as a clothing store employee to get your son a large piece of foam core. I've explained why I can't give or sell you the picture of Ms. Graham - she is lovely, isn't she? - and offered you an alternative. I'm afraid we're going to have to ask you to leave. You are welcome to contact corporate headquarters. They may send you a gift card for your troubles but they will not send you a masturbatory aid. You'll just have to find a fake girlfriend elsewhere. I hear the internet is good for that.
ing hell you will."
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