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Sex, Lies & Zombie Nixon
My God. Just....argh.
Geez, Again?
C: “There’s somebody running around the hallways trying to get into people’s apartments, and he doesn't have any clothes on!”
…Alright. Well, I can see how that would be…problematic. However, I must ask: What exactly do you want me to do about? Would not the police be a better option? They’re trained for this kind of thing. They loath it with every fiber of their being I’m sure, but they are trained for it. All I’ve got is a maintenance guy on duty and I doubt I can convince him to drive all the way down there to tackle some sweaty naked guy. Even if I did have security, the standard security training certifications required to be a security guard in BC do not include NDS ( Naked Dude Scenario ) resolution training.
Hot Tips
SC: “Only Allah can suck Buddha’s cock.”
……what? Dude…just…..just no. Look, I know it’s been weeks since we spoke to each other, and your material was getting stale. You were worried. You needed come up with something new. Something special to win back my love and prove that you were the only nocturnal meth driven caller for me. But that? No, just, no. You of all people, you’re not allowed to use the word “suck” in any context when you call. Especially not a literal context. I’m not even going to touch the sheer level of offensive wrongness involved in the subjects either. Just stop.
SC: “General Gaddafi tried but only Allah’s been given that permission”
...... “Permission”? Wait, no, don’t tell me. Please don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. Really, really don’t want to know. Please stop calling. You’ve been a good friend to show over the years and provided countless minutes of entertainment. But you’ve ventured into new and totally uncharted territory. You’ve left the safe haven of “Weird But Entertaining” and crassly wandered over the border into the land of “I Just Threw Up A Little In My Mouth”.
I sincerely hope this was just a layover and you’re not applying for citizenship.
Oookay
A rather deranged man dressed somewhat like a lumberjack lunged at me a block up from here and demanded “BUY ME SOMETHING?!”. He did not specify what exactly, and I did not linger to find out. Though if I had to wager a guess, I would say flannel. Luckily for me, he only had about a 2 metre operational radius and once I got out of range he returned to his start position and went back into guard mode. Waiting for the next person wandered into range.
Wha?
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Yo! Yo!”
Me: “Yes?”
SC: “Ohwhattacowder? Yeah, boooy.”
Me: “….I’m sorry?”
I believe I have pointed out several times before that being gainfully employed and having actual taste in music prevents me from keeping abreast of the “language of the streets”. So I fear I am not “down with” your street talk. I am barely “rudimentarily familiar” with the sidewalk if you will. So if I’m suppose to break into a beat box drum loop now, you’re going to have to tell me more clearly than that.
All you have to do is be clear, concise and polite in your request and I will do what I can to assist you. If you had simply said “Yes, hello, could you please provide me with a beat boxed assortment of funkiness? I feel the need to bust rhymes and require musical accompaniment. But lack an actual band.” I would have gladly accommodated you.
Err
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……uhhhhhhhh”
Hmmmm…….Perhaps I am asking questions in the wrong order considering this a line for a doctor's office. Very well. There is more than one way to epoxy novelty bunny ears to a cat. So let us start with something else instead: Are you suffering from a severe head wound? Tap the phone against the wall twice for yes, once for no.
Hot Tips
SC: “Hi, Lois as in Loni is still harassing me! Stop bothering with her! <click>”
What? Why is this my fault? Who am I bothering with? I don’t know any Lois, or any Loni, or any Lois as in Loni. Whatever spirits you believe I have summoned to harass you in the dark of night, I assure you I have nothing to do with. I’m also quite positive you probably have pills somewhere in your house that would, at least temporarily, exorcise these spirits for you. If only you would actually take them.
Installation Procedures
Alright, look. I’m going to be honest with you here. You only made it to page 8 in the instructions and page 1-7 are just the table of contents and the list of parts and tools required. So I don’t think you’re qualified to handle this installation. Especially since all page 8 is, is showing you how to measure the window frame. A concept which took me 7 minutes to explain to you. Really, at this point I must strongly recommend just putting everything back in the box and taking it entire thing back to <store> for a refund.
If you required 7 minutes of coaching by page 8, you’re going to require a fire extinguisher by page 12, and paramedics by page 17.
The End of an Era
MC Shake & Bake’s career suffered a terrible and ( hopefully ) irreparable blow this evening. He was just outside the station, as always, dutifully performing for his audience of thin air and wishes. However, just a ways up from him, a new challenger had appeared. Granted, pretty much every other busker that shows up on Granville is a new challenger to MC Shake & Bake. Because, frankly, absolutely all of them are more talented than he is. Even Reefer Beat, and I’m not sure Reefer Beat even realizes he’s outside.
Still, up a ways at the corner was the Blues Hound. Well, that wasn’t his name but everyone gets affixed with a nickname when I walk by them whether they like it or not ( Even random pedestrians ). Problem is, the Blues Hound was quite talented. Could play the guitar. Was actually capable of singing. Had a large audience watching him and was even selling his own CDs. By comparison, MC Shake & Bake was sadly fiddling with his stereo, trying to find an awful drum loop that when combined with his trademark lyrics of “Yo yo yo, yeah, alright” would actually cause someone to stop and pay attention to him. Someone. Anyone.
Criminal Intent
You know, it’s probably not a good idea to call up and threaten to destroy one of the laundry machines in the building ( with a sledgehammer, apparently. ) if it doesn’t stop eating your quarters. Now, I’m not saying you don’t have the potential to be a criminal mastermind in the future, I’m just saying that not only do I have you on Caller ID, but you actually gave me your name and address before making threats towards, er, a dryer. So your brilliant criminal career is not exactly off to a great start here.
In the meantime, if that dryer is so much as scratched come tomorrow, the Vancouver PD will know exactly who to drop in on for a little chat.
Hot Tips
SC: “What are yo doing?! Playing video games?! Very embarrassing!”
Er, hello there….uh…guy doing a Nixon impression? I’ve never spoken with you before, you must be new here. Welcome to the club! Once we take care of some forms, we’ll get your membership card out in the mail to you, alright? In the meantime, please stop yelling at me.
SC: “VERY EMBARRASSING! PLAYING VIDEO GAMES! OH MY *FUCKING GOD!”
….did you really just drop an “OMFG” on me? ….in the voice of Nixon? Well…..this is becoming somewhat surreal.
SC: “AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT?! You’ve got nothing better to do than play video games?!”
Me: “Well I could hang up on you, so that’s one thing.”
I am nothing if not cordial.
Nice Try
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Alfred.”
Alfred? Really? I know I’ve had to point this out a few times before with you guys, but if you’re going to try and pull this on me, at least try and use a name that implies the same gender as yourself.
Me: “Your name is Alfred?”
SC: “…..uh……….”
Me: “………”
SC: “That is....ummm.....…….Sarah.”
Good girl.
Hot Tips
SC: “HELLO?!”
Me: “Yes?”
SC: “There’s a breach of security somewhere in the solicitor general’s office! That’s all I have to say!”
Alright…..if you say so, Zombie Nixon.
SC: “REPORT IT TO THE MILITARY! A breach of security!!”
Me: “A breach of security in your mind, perhaps.”
SC: “Yes! A breach of security!”
Damn, I said that out loud didn’t I? Y-….er….wait, did you just agree with me? Oh. Ummm….well then. I’m glad we agree on something...I think.
<sob>
Soo…..this morning the clerk at <nearby store> asked me where I worked. I told her I worked night shift in a call centre. She asked me doing what. I explained. She looked at me and said, and I quote: “Oh, well that’s much less exciting than what I was thinking”.
Why does everyone think I’m a phone sex operator? <sob>
It's All A Farce
SC: “I’m looking for the Smoke Pit.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but you have the wrong number.”
SC: “Really? You’re kidding me!”
Yes, you got me. I’m kidding you. This is all a jest. We figured the best way to drum up business was to totally pretend we weren’t really in business and turn away every single customer by feigning total ignorance of everything they’re asking about. It’s worked wonders for us! You wouldn’t believe how much money people will spend to get something they want when you don’t actually let them spend any money to get what they want. If someone actually manages to buy anything from us we see it as a personal failure and ban that person our stores for life.
What?
SC: “I’m looking for friends! I want an Internet!”
O….kay. You’ll pardon me while I back away slowly, I hope? I’ll try not to make any sudden movements. I don’t want to startle you.
Me: “I’m sorry, what?”
SC: “Um, I said I want an Internet!”
An Internet?
SC: “The number told me if I need some friends to call this number.”
Me: “I’m afraid I’m not sure what you’re referring too.”
Wait wait wait……is this another creepy, you know….um…..Toll Free Number of Ill Repute thing? For the last time I am not that kind of operator! Please stop calling me. Please.
SC: “Hello?!”
Me: “Yes?”
SC: “Um, can I have the pursuer to get friends on this line?”
Er….the…..wait, what? You want me to what exactly? Hunt people down against their will and force them to be your friend? Right, ok. First of all, I will not put the lotion in the basket, second of all, I don’t think anyone actually offers that kind of service on the Internet ( Well…maybe Craig’s List ). But depending on the country you live in, maybe you could find that in the classifieds. But either way you’re barking up the wrong tree.
The War Of The Roses
SC: “Yes, I wanted to make another complaint! I called police! Because I’ve just had it!”
Wait wait wait…..this is the, let’s see, your 61st call about noise from the vehement walking above you and it only just now occurred to you to call the police? You know, Mr Brown, for someone as…..let’s say meticulous as you, you’re not really that swift, are you?
Sigh
Nothing quite like talking down a suicidal caller while you alert the proper authorities on the other line. I wish I could say this is the first time I have done this. However, I use to do this with some frequency at my old company due to some of the accounts we managed. Not exactly something I wanted to have more practice at.
On a side note, I really don't recommend it as a career choice. >.>
annnnnd rest.
Geez, Again?
C: “There’s somebody running around the hallways trying to get into people’s apartments, and he doesn't have any clothes on!”
…Alright. Well, I can see how that would be…problematic. However, I must ask: What exactly do you want me to do about? Would not the police be a better option? They’re trained for this kind of thing. They loath it with every fiber of their being I’m sure, but they are trained for it. All I’ve got is a maintenance guy on duty and I doubt I can convince him to drive all the way down there to tackle some sweaty naked guy. Even if I did have security, the standard security training certifications required to be a security guard in BC do not include NDS ( Naked Dude Scenario ) resolution training.
Hot Tips
SC: “Only Allah can suck Buddha’s cock.”
……what? Dude…just…..just no. Look, I know it’s been weeks since we spoke to each other, and your material was getting stale. You were worried. You needed come up with something new. Something special to win back my love and prove that you were the only nocturnal meth driven caller for me. But that? No, just, no. You of all people, you’re not allowed to use the word “suck” in any context when you call. Especially not a literal context. I’m not even going to touch the sheer level of offensive wrongness involved in the subjects either. Just stop.
SC: “General Gaddafi tried but only Allah’s been given that permission”
...... “Permission”? Wait, no, don’t tell me. Please don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. Really, really don’t want to know. Please stop calling. You’ve been a good friend to show over the years and provided countless minutes of entertainment. But you’ve ventured into new and totally uncharted territory. You’ve left the safe haven of “Weird But Entertaining” and crassly wandered over the border into the land of “I Just Threw Up A Little In My Mouth”.
I sincerely hope this was just a layover and you’re not applying for citizenship.
Oookay
A rather deranged man dressed somewhat like a lumberjack lunged at me a block up from here and demanded “BUY ME SOMETHING?!”. He did not specify what exactly, and I did not linger to find out. Though if I had to wager a guess, I would say flannel. Luckily for me, he only had about a 2 metre operational radius and once I got out of range he returned to his start position and went back into guard mode. Waiting for the next person wandered into range.
Wha?
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Yo! Yo!”
Me: “Yes?”
SC: “Ohwhattacowder? Yeah, boooy.”
Me: “….I’m sorry?”
I believe I have pointed out several times before that being gainfully employed and having actual taste in music prevents me from keeping abreast of the “language of the streets”. So I fear I am not “down with” your street talk. I am barely “rudimentarily familiar” with the sidewalk if you will. So if I’m suppose to break into a beat box drum loop now, you’re going to have to tell me more clearly than that.
All you have to do is be clear, concise and polite in your request and I will do what I can to assist you. If you had simply said “Yes, hello, could you please provide me with a beat boxed assortment of funkiness? I feel the need to bust rhymes and require musical accompaniment. But lack an actual band.” I would have gladly accommodated you.
Err
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……uhhhhhhhh”
Hmmmm…….Perhaps I am asking questions in the wrong order considering this a line for a doctor's office. Very well. There is more than one way to epoxy novelty bunny ears to a cat. So let us start with something else instead: Are you suffering from a severe head wound? Tap the phone against the wall twice for yes, once for no.
Hot Tips
SC: “Hi, Lois as in Loni is still harassing me! Stop bothering with her! <click>”
What? Why is this my fault? Who am I bothering with? I don’t know any Lois, or any Loni, or any Lois as in Loni. Whatever spirits you believe I have summoned to harass you in the dark of night, I assure you I have nothing to do with. I’m also quite positive you probably have pills somewhere in your house that would, at least temporarily, exorcise these spirits for you. If only you would actually take them.
Installation Procedures
Alright, look. I’m going to be honest with you here. You only made it to page 8 in the instructions and page 1-7 are just the table of contents and the list of parts and tools required. So I don’t think you’re qualified to handle this installation. Especially since all page 8 is, is showing you how to measure the window frame. A concept which took me 7 minutes to explain to you. Really, at this point I must strongly recommend just putting everything back in the box and taking it entire thing back to <store> for a refund.
If you required 7 minutes of coaching by page 8, you’re going to require a fire extinguisher by page 12, and paramedics by page 17.
The End of an Era
MC Shake & Bake’s career suffered a terrible and ( hopefully ) irreparable blow this evening. He was just outside the station, as always, dutifully performing for his audience of thin air and wishes. However, just a ways up from him, a new challenger had appeared. Granted, pretty much every other busker that shows up on Granville is a new challenger to MC Shake & Bake. Because, frankly, absolutely all of them are more talented than he is. Even Reefer Beat, and I’m not sure Reefer Beat even realizes he’s outside.
Still, up a ways at the corner was the Blues Hound. Well, that wasn’t his name but everyone gets affixed with a nickname when I walk by them whether they like it or not ( Even random pedestrians ). Problem is, the Blues Hound was quite talented. Could play the guitar. Was actually capable of singing. Had a large audience watching him and was even selling his own CDs. By comparison, MC Shake & Bake was sadly fiddling with his stereo, trying to find an awful drum loop that when combined with his trademark lyrics of “Yo yo yo, yeah, alright” would actually cause someone to stop and pay attention to him. Someone. Anyone.
Criminal Intent
You know, it’s probably not a good idea to call up and threaten to destroy one of the laundry machines in the building ( with a sledgehammer, apparently. ) if it doesn’t stop eating your quarters. Now, I’m not saying you don’t have the potential to be a criminal mastermind in the future, I’m just saying that not only do I have you on Caller ID, but you actually gave me your name and address before making threats towards, er, a dryer. So your brilliant criminal career is not exactly off to a great start here.
In the meantime, if that dryer is so much as scratched come tomorrow, the Vancouver PD will know exactly who to drop in on for a little chat.
Hot Tips
SC: “What are yo doing?! Playing video games?! Very embarrassing!”
Er, hello there….uh…guy doing a Nixon impression? I’ve never spoken with you before, you must be new here. Welcome to the club! Once we take care of some forms, we’ll get your membership card out in the mail to you, alright? In the meantime, please stop yelling at me.
SC: “VERY EMBARRASSING! PLAYING VIDEO GAMES! OH MY *FUCKING GOD!”
….did you really just drop an “OMFG” on me? ….in the voice of Nixon? Well…..this is becoming somewhat surreal.
SC: “AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT?! You’ve got nothing better to do than play video games?!”
Me: “Well I could hang up on you, so that’s one thing.”
I am nothing if not cordial.
Nice Try
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Alfred.”
Alfred? Really? I know I’ve had to point this out a few times before with you guys, but if you’re going to try and pull this on me, at least try and use a name that implies the same gender as yourself.
Me: “Your name is Alfred?”
SC: “…..uh……….”
Me: “………”
SC: “That is....ummm.....…….Sarah.”
Good girl.
Hot Tips
SC: “HELLO?!”
Me: “Yes?”
SC: “There’s a breach of security somewhere in the solicitor general’s office! That’s all I have to say!”
Alright…..if you say so, Zombie Nixon.
SC: “REPORT IT TO THE MILITARY! A breach of security!!”
Me: “A breach of security in your mind, perhaps.”
SC: “Yes! A breach of security!”
Damn, I said that out loud didn’t I? Y-….er….wait, did you just agree with me? Oh. Ummm….well then. I’m glad we agree on something...I think.
<sob>
Soo…..this morning the clerk at <nearby store> asked me where I worked. I told her I worked night shift in a call centre. She asked me doing what. I explained. She looked at me and said, and I quote: “Oh, well that’s much less exciting than what I was thinking”.
Why does everyone think I’m a phone sex operator? <sob>
It's All A Farce
SC: “I’m looking for the Smoke Pit.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but you have the wrong number.”
SC: “Really? You’re kidding me!”
Yes, you got me. I’m kidding you. This is all a jest. We figured the best way to drum up business was to totally pretend we weren’t really in business and turn away every single customer by feigning total ignorance of everything they’re asking about. It’s worked wonders for us! You wouldn’t believe how much money people will spend to get something they want when you don’t actually let them spend any money to get what they want. If someone actually manages to buy anything from us we see it as a personal failure and ban that person our stores for life.
What?
SC: “I’m looking for friends! I want an Internet!”
O….kay. You’ll pardon me while I back away slowly, I hope? I’ll try not to make any sudden movements. I don’t want to startle you.
Me: “I’m sorry, what?”
SC: “Um, I said I want an Internet!”
An Internet?
SC: “The number told me if I need some friends to call this number.”
Me: “I’m afraid I’m not sure what you’re referring too.”
Wait wait wait……is this another creepy, you know….um…..Toll Free Number of Ill Repute thing? For the last time I am not that kind of operator! Please stop calling me. Please.
SC: “Hello?!”
Me: “Yes?”
SC: “Um, can I have the pursuer to get friends on this line?”
Er….the…..wait, what? You want me to what exactly? Hunt people down against their will and force them to be your friend? Right, ok. First of all, I will not put the lotion in the basket, second of all, I don’t think anyone actually offers that kind of service on the Internet ( Well…maybe Craig’s List ). But depending on the country you live in, maybe you could find that in the classifieds. But either way you’re barking up the wrong tree.
The War Of The Roses
SC: “Yes, I wanted to make another complaint! I called police! Because I’ve just had it!”
Wait wait wait…..this is the, let’s see, your 61st call about noise from the vehement walking above you and it only just now occurred to you to call the police? You know, Mr Brown, for someone as…..let’s say meticulous as you, you’re not really that swift, are you?
Sigh
Nothing quite like talking down a suicidal caller while you alert the proper authorities on the other line. I wish I could say this is the first time I have done this. However, I use to do this with some frequency at my old company due to some of the accounts we managed. Not exactly something I wanted to have more practice at.
On a side note, I really don't recommend it as a career choice. >.>
annnnnd rest.
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