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I say that about all customers but this one actually was (not the first time this has happened, surely, but they are far enough in between for me to realize, hey those other people were just a-holes, this one is certifiable!)
My company, like all others in these belt-tightening times, is getting more aggressive in their collection tactics. When customers have a balance that reaches 60 days past due, their service is cut off until a payment for the full past due amount is received. This has led to a lot of customers who previously coasted around on the “pay when I feel like it plan” calling in, astonished that we do not recognize that they are great customers and they will pay one day, even if that day is slated to be 2045 and we should magically know this. So from this sprang Psycho-babbler, henceforth known as SC.
SC: Yeah, my driver just called me and said I can’t get water unless I pay him today and I always pay my bills.
Me : Well, I can see why you’re concerned (empathy is required, pardon the saccharin). Let’s take a look at your account…well, I’m showing a past due balance of $41.00 (rounded for posterity) from your December invoice.
SC: But I called last month and the girl told me I didn’t owe that because I had already mailed a payment.
This is entirely possible, as we have 28 day billing cycles, yet we mail bills about once a week and we get scores of customers whose bills and payments cross in the mail. Plus, we have a crop of new employees. Previous rep certainly could have been confused and she did pay her January and February bills in full.
Me: I certainly apologize if we gave you the incorrect information when you called before. However-
SC: *wielding a new weapon* Anyway, I paid that bill!
Me: You paid your December invoice?
SC: OF COURSE! I pay ALL my bills.
Me: Ok. Do you have the check number and the date it cleared the bank?
SC: Of course, I have my bank statements right here. *puts the phone down and appears to shoot 6 turkeys and three pigs, disrupt all parts of a 50-piece orchestra and cough up enough phlegm to drown the population of Wisconsin, then picks the phone back up* Well, I can’t pay the f***ing bill if you don’t send me one!
Me: You didn’t receive your December invoice? I am sorry, I’m showing it was mailed to *address*. However, I can certainly send you a copy. Do you have an e-mail where I can send it right away?
SC: That’s not the point! The point is you told me the wrong thing and you should take responsibility for it!
Me: I see that your payments have been very prompt up to now and I’m sure this is an oversight. However, we would need a payment of $41.00 in order to continue delivery. Can you make a payment today?
SC: I CAN, but I WON’T! It’s the principle of the thing. I want a delivery today and I’ll pay next week when I pay my March bill.
Me: Okay, let me contact the local manager and see if we are able to make an exception.
Said manager tells me he is in a meeting, asks me to e-mail him and says to tell the customer he will call her in 10 minutes when he is back in his office and has had time to review her account. I tell her this, thinking, yay I will now be off the phone. And here came the crazy.
SC: WHO is calling me?
Me: The local manager, Mr. Put Upon.
SC: WHAT!? WHY did you call HIM!?
Me:…Well, ma’am, you asked me to see if we could make an exception and deliver regardless of your balance and I called the manager-
SC: You should have called your personal manager!
Me: Ma’am, my manager cannot make that exception. In customer service, we do have to defer to the local office and-
SC: That manager lied to me! Last month he told me he was at a funeral and he was in CA on vacation! And your software system is messed up and it charges customers wrong and makes you think they owe bills that they don’t owe! And your hold music will give people seizures (she really said this. It is probably true, but still)
Me……………………………..
SC: Don’t you care? You will lose business and your company will shut down! Aren’t you concerned that your employees lie to customers?
Me: I can hear that you are upset ma’am and I am sorry *(a)if the manager went to CA off the clock, that is his business and b) how did you know he went there, unless you were stalking him!?)*-
SC: No you’re not! What kind of software do you use there?
Me:…we use Oracle-
SC: Oracle-based software! Okay, call your programmers and tell them about the bug in the system! And call your HR department and tell them about the manager lying to me! And call your Marketing department about the music! It’s up to you, Aquagirl! You need to take the iniative!
Me:……………I will certainly pass your concerns along-
SC: And how will I get a confirmation that this has been understood?
Me: *when our legal department blocks your telephone number and you get a message that our number has been disconnected when you try to call* I will certainly-
SC: OH, forget it! Good luck in life without any critical thinking skills.
This was actually a 20 minute rant. In a 30 minute phone call. I actually emailed the manager to tell him that she was still on the phone with me and to warn him about her accusations. 45 minutes after she hung up he emailed me:
Thanks-she was a NUT. She told me she knew I had been to a Mexican brothel last month? I don’t know where she got that, but I told her it was best if we severed our business arrangement and she said she would pray for me.
My company, like all others in these belt-tightening times, is getting more aggressive in their collection tactics. When customers have a balance that reaches 60 days past due, their service is cut off until a payment for the full past due amount is received. This has led to a lot of customers who previously coasted around on the “pay when I feel like it plan” calling in, astonished that we do not recognize that they are great customers and they will pay one day, even if that day is slated to be 2045 and we should magically know this. So from this sprang Psycho-babbler, henceforth known as SC.
SC: Yeah, my driver just called me and said I can’t get water unless I pay him today and I always pay my bills.
Me : Well, I can see why you’re concerned (empathy is required, pardon the saccharin). Let’s take a look at your account…well, I’m showing a past due balance of $41.00 (rounded for posterity) from your December invoice.
SC: But I called last month and the girl told me I didn’t owe that because I had already mailed a payment.
This is entirely possible, as we have 28 day billing cycles, yet we mail bills about once a week and we get scores of customers whose bills and payments cross in the mail. Plus, we have a crop of new employees. Previous rep certainly could have been confused and she did pay her January and February bills in full.
Me: I certainly apologize if we gave you the incorrect information when you called before. However-
SC: *wielding a new weapon* Anyway, I paid that bill!
Me: You paid your December invoice?
SC: OF COURSE! I pay ALL my bills.
Me: Ok. Do you have the check number and the date it cleared the bank?
SC: Of course, I have my bank statements right here. *puts the phone down and appears to shoot 6 turkeys and three pigs, disrupt all parts of a 50-piece orchestra and cough up enough phlegm to drown the population of Wisconsin, then picks the phone back up* Well, I can’t pay the f***ing bill if you don’t send me one!
Me: You didn’t receive your December invoice? I am sorry, I’m showing it was mailed to *address*. However, I can certainly send you a copy. Do you have an e-mail where I can send it right away?
SC: That’s not the point! The point is you told me the wrong thing and you should take responsibility for it!
Me: I see that your payments have been very prompt up to now and I’m sure this is an oversight. However, we would need a payment of $41.00 in order to continue delivery. Can you make a payment today?
SC: I CAN, but I WON’T! It’s the principle of the thing. I want a delivery today and I’ll pay next week when I pay my March bill.
Me: Okay, let me contact the local manager and see if we are able to make an exception.
Said manager tells me he is in a meeting, asks me to e-mail him and says to tell the customer he will call her in 10 minutes when he is back in his office and has had time to review her account. I tell her this, thinking, yay I will now be off the phone. And here came the crazy.
SC: WHO is calling me?
Me: The local manager, Mr. Put Upon.
SC: WHAT!? WHY did you call HIM!?
Me:…Well, ma’am, you asked me to see if we could make an exception and deliver regardless of your balance and I called the manager-
SC: You should have called your personal manager!
Me: Ma’am, my manager cannot make that exception. In customer service, we do have to defer to the local office and-
SC: That manager lied to me! Last month he told me he was at a funeral and he was in CA on vacation! And your software system is messed up and it charges customers wrong and makes you think they owe bills that they don’t owe! And your hold music will give people seizures (she really said this. It is probably true, but still)
Me……………………………..
SC: Don’t you care? You will lose business and your company will shut down! Aren’t you concerned that your employees lie to customers?
Me: I can hear that you are upset ma’am and I am sorry *(a)if the manager went to CA off the clock, that is his business and b) how did you know he went there, unless you were stalking him!?)*-
SC: No you’re not! What kind of software do you use there?
Me:…we use Oracle-
SC: Oracle-based software! Okay, call your programmers and tell them about the bug in the system! And call your HR department and tell them about the manager lying to me! And call your Marketing department about the music! It’s up to you, Aquagirl! You need to take the iniative!
Me:……………I will certainly pass your concerns along-
SC: And how will I get a confirmation that this has been understood?
Me: *when our legal department blocks your telephone number and you get a message that our number has been disconnected when you try to call* I will certainly-
SC: OH, forget it! Good luck in life without any critical thinking skills.
This was actually a 20 minute rant. In a 30 minute phone call. I actually emailed the manager to tell him that she was still on the phone with me and to warn him about her accusations. 45 minutes after she hung up he emailed me:
Thanks-she was a NUT. She told me she knew I had been to a Mexican brothel last month? I don’t know where she got that, but I told her it was best if we severed our business arrangement and she said she would pray for me.
we're sending bruno from collections over to have a nice chat with you.
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