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Ferrets
And yes there's a Story Time at the bottom. ;p
Slow week, not much to talk about. Yet surprisingly my brain to mouth filter failed *more* as a result.
Deceit!
Me: “Good morning, <company>, how may I help you?”
SC: “Yeah, I was in an accident last night and one of the people involved had <company> Insurance.”
Me: "I think you have the wrong number.”
SC: “How can I have the wrong number?"
I can think of many, many scenarios that could explain this. Some of them even allow you to retain some of your dignity. Not many though.
SC: "Do you know of a company called <company> Insurance?”
Me: “No, sorry.”
SC: “Well I typed in <company> Insurance on the internet and this number came up.”
Me: “This isn't an insurance company.”
SC: “Oh, I see. So I am MISLEAD yet again!”
Yes. Mislead……..by your total lack of reading comprehension apparently. If you had bothered to read absolutely anything else on the website except for the phone number you could have avoided this tragic deception. You’re going to have to be more cautious than this. Clearly the potholes of your mental landscape have banded together to form some sort of resistance movement and are conspiring against you. Their campaign is one of deceit, misinformation and poor hand eye coordination. You must be vigilant if you’re going to continue to operate in modern society and properly dress yourself in the morning.
With Slight Apologies To Some Of America
SC: “And where are you based?”
Me: “We're in Vancouver-”
SC: “Vancouver, CANADA?”
Me: “...Yes?”
SC: “Canada, EH?! Canada, EH?! Huhuhuhuh”
……yes…..Canada, Eh. Much as you are in America, yeehaw bang bang. Now if you are quite finished reinforcing an American stereotype, perhaps you could vacate yourself from my line. Eh?
SC: “I had the good fortune of pulling a 20 foot travel trailer from Oregon up to Alaska-“
….really? Story Time? You’re going to pull a Story Time on me? Dude, it’s only 3am. What are you doing? Do you have some sort of daily Obnoxious Quota that you’re trying to fill as fast as possible so you can take the rest of the day off?
SC: “-the best part of the trip was coming through Canada. It was exciting but really really remote!
Yes, oddly enough civilization starts to thin out a bit when you drive towards a polar ice cap. I also don’t want to hear the term “remote” about Canada from someone talking about Alaska of all places. A place with a population density of 1.03 people per square mile.
No.
SC: “Hi, is this a taxi company?”
Me: “No, sorry.”
SC: “But online it says it’s a taxi company.”
No, it doesn’t. Online it says “This domain name is for sale. Please call to inquire”. You only think it says it’s a taxi company because you are an idiot and could not be bothered to read the very first sentence on the website that preceded the phone number you called. This is only a taxi company inside the dull little reality that exists within your mind and personal perceptions. A reality that your brain is now desperately trying to shore up with plastic grocery bags and bits of couch foam against the cold, bitter flood of truth that’s seeping its way in.
Hot Tips
SC: “Tell me what the purpose of the policing van is and why its outside!”
Me: “Ferrets.”
SC: “…what?”
Ah ha! Now, at long last, you experience the same level of total confusion that I do whenever you call! We have, for once, achieved confusion equilibrium. You now finally know my pain and I now finally have a weapon that I may wield back against your madness. It is a glorious day.
Hot Tips
SC: “I’d like to know how to get my property back from a person who was pretending to me.”
Me: “Ferrets.”
SC: “I don’t have that condition!”
Well, they’re really more a pet than a condition. They’re basically sort of, well, tube rats if you want to get technical. I guess owning ferrets can sort of be seen as a condition. They do smell a little bit odd and it probably rubs off a bit. But anyway, you were saying something about your ferret owning doppelganger stealing your house?
Hot Tips
SC: “My name is not Psychotic Event!”
Me: "...its not your name they're calling."
Perhaps I can offer an explanation: When people say “psychotic event” around you, they’re not actually calling you a name. It’s…..well, more of an event really as the term indicates. I trust this is a frequent occurence?
SC: “and I want people to stop following me around!”
People, ferrets, or ferret owning people?
Yeehaw Bang Bang
Me: “Good evening, <company> tech support line, how may I help you?”
SC: “Yes, how much is your .380 ammo?”
Ok, seriously, I know you guys never really listen to the first thing I say but come on. Cut me some slack here and at least put in a little bit of effort. There’s absolutely no way to get from “tech support line” to “.380 ACP handgun ammunition”. None. At all. Though I have to admit to being somewhat disturbed that somewhere out there, there’s a 27/4 order line for lethal munitions.
Deeper Meanings
Me: “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.”
SC: “What do you mean by that?”
Odd, I thought I gave a rather straightforward, even eloquent, explanation of exactly what I meant. I even tried to limit the amount of syllables per word specifically for people like you. I guess I could give it another whirl, but I’m not sure how much further I can verbally compress it.
You wrong dial bad. YOU GO NOW.
Missed Opportunities
3:42am: Vancouver Police call requesting access to a client's building to check on the welfare of the tenant in suite 404.
3:47am: Tenant cannot be found.
3:48am: Constable misses the best set up for a joke in his entire career.
Hot Tips
SC: “You guys should recruit as many American Indians as you can and start using their native language.”
Just finished watching Windtalkers, did you? You realize that was World War 2, right?
SC: “Cus like, a lot of foreign agencies speak foreign languages.”
Wait, foreign agencies speak foreign languages?! Oh my god! That’s just…..just…..you my friend have blown my mind.
SC: “Like uh, like Greek or…..uh…French, or Spanish but they don’t speak native.”
Indeed! Truly, that will help us in the front lines of America’s war against…uh….Greece, France & Mexico and/or Spain?
Entertainment Value
I’d also like to throw a shout out to the doorknob that was driving up the street out front of the office this evening.......the wrong way into oncoming traffic. With his headlights off. Unfortunately for him, a Vancouver PD cruiser was coming from the opposite direction. Fortunately for my amusement, the cruiser stopped him directly in front of our office in front of the security cameras. Allowing me to watch him get berated for his stupidity on and off for at least an hour. I do mean berated too. I didn’t even know what he did to begin with, I only noticed the cruiser’s lights on the cameras. The reason I know the breadth of his stupidity is because the officer was browbeating him so loudly I could hear every single word she said. From 6 floors up through the window.
Sadly he didn’t get tazed. I was really hoping for a tazing.
Storytime!
Yes, yes, storytime again. But I am lazy this week so there's no editing. Editing takes way too much time. ;p
annnd rest
Slow week, not much to talk about. Yet surprisingly my brain to mouth filter failed *more* as a result.
Deceit!
Me: “Good morning, <company>, how may I help you?”
SC: “Yeah, I was in an accident last night and one of the people involved had <company> Insurance.”
Me: "I think you have the wrong number.”
SC: “How can I have the wrong number?"
I can think of many, many scenarios that could explain this. Some of them even allow you to retain some of your dignity. Not many though.
SC: "Do you know of a company called <company> Insurance?”
Me: “No, sorry.”
SC: “Well I typed in <company> Insurance on the internet and this number came up.”
Me: “This isn't an insurance company.”
SC: “Oh, I see. So I am MISLEAD yet again!”
Yes. Mislead……..by your total lack of reading comprehension apparently. If you had bothered to read absolutely anything else on the website except for the phone number you could have avoided this tragic deception. You’re going to have to be more cautious than this. Clearly the potholes of your mental landscape have banded together to form some sort of resistance movement and are conspiring against you. Their campaign is one of deceit, misinformation and poor hand eye coordination. You must be vigilant if you’re going to continue to operate in modern society and properly dress yourself in the morning.
With Slight Apologies To Some Of America
SC: “And where are you based?”
Me: “We're in Vancouver-”
SC: “Vancouver, CANADA?”
Me: “...Yes?”
SC: “Canada, EH?! Canada, EH?! Huhuhuhuh”
……yes…..Canada, Eh. Much as you are in America, yeehaw bang bang. Now if you are quite finished reinforcing an American stereotype, perhaps you could vacate yourself from my line. Eh?
SC: “I had the good fortune of pulling a 20 foot travel trailer from Oregon up to Alaska-“
….really? Story Time? You’re going to pull a Story Time on me? Dude, it’s only 3am. What are you doing? Do you have some sort of daily Obnoxious Quota that you’re trying to fill as fast as possible so you can take the rest of the day off?
SC: “-the best part of the trip was coming through Canada. It was exciting but really really remote!
Yes, oddly enough civilization starts to thin out a bit when you drive towards a polar ice cap. I also don’t want to hear the term “remote” about Canada from someone talking about Alaska of all places. A place with a population density of 1.03 people per square mile.
No.
SC: “Hi, is this a taxi company?”
Me: “No, sorry.”
SC: “But online it says it’s a taxi company.”
No, it doesn’t. Online it says “This domain name is for sale. Please call to inquire”. You only think it says it’s a taxi company because you are an idiot and could not be bothered to read the very first sentence on the website that preceded the phone number you called. This is only a taxi company inside the dull little reality that exists within your mind and personal perceptions. A reality that your brain is now desperately trying to shore up with plastic grocery bags and bits of couch foam against the cold, bitter flood of truth that’s seeping its way in.
Hot Tips
SC: “Tell me what the purpose of the policing van is and why its outside!”
Me: “Ferrets.”
SC: “…what?”
Ah ha! Now, at long last, you experience the same level of total confusion that I do whenever you call! We have, for once, achieved confusion equilibrium. You now finally know my pain and I now finally have a weapon that I may wield back against your madness. It is a glorious day.
Hot Tips
SC: “I’d like to know how to get my property back from a person who was pretending to me.”
Me: “Ferrets.”
SC: “I don’t have that condition!”
Well, they’re really more a pet than a condition. They’re basically sort of, well, tube rats if you want to get technical. I guess owning ferrets can sort of be seen as a condition. They do smell a little bit odd and it probably rubs off a bit. But anyway, you were saying something about your ferret owning doppelganger stealing your house?
Hot Tips
SC: “My name is not Psychotic Event!”
Me: "...its not your name they're calling."
Perhaps I can offer an explanation: When people say “psychotic event” around you, they’re not actually calling you a name. It’s…..well, more of an event really as the term indicates. I trust this is a frequent occurence?
SC: “and I want people to stop following me around!”
People, ferrets, or ferret owning people?
Yeehaw Bang Bang
Me: “Good evening, <company> tech support line, how may I help you?”
SC: “Yes, how much is your .380 ammo?”
Ok, seriously, I know you guys never really listen to the first thing I say but come on. Cut me some slack here and at least put in a little bit of effort. There’s absolutely no way to get from “tech support line” to “.380 ACP handgun ammunition”. None. At all. Though I have to admit to being somewhat disturbed that somewhere out there, there’s a 27/4 order line for lethal munitions.
Deeper Meanings
Me: “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.”
SC: “What do you mean by that?”
Odd, I thought I gave a rather straightforward, even eloquent, explanation of exactly what I meant. I even tried to limit the amount of syllables per word specifically for people like you. I guess I could give it another whirl, but I’m not sure how much further I can verbally compress it.
You wrong dial bad. YOU GO NOW.
Missed Opportunities
3:42am: Vancouver Police call requesting access to a client's building to check on the welfare of the tenant in suite 404.
3:47am: Tenant cannot be found.
3:48am: Constable misses the best set up for a joke in his entire career.
Hot Tips
SC: “You guys should recruit as many American Indians as you can and start using their native language.”
Just finished watching Windtalkers, did you? You realize that was World War 2, right?
SC: “Cus like, a lot of foreign agencies speak foreign languages.”
Wait, foreign agencies speak foreign languages?! Oh my god! That’s just…..just…..you my friend have blown my mind.
SC: “Like uh, like Greek or…..uh…French, or Spanish but they don’t speak native.”
Indeed! Truly, that will help us in the front lines of America’s war against…uh….Greece, France & Mexico and/or Spain?
Entertainment Value
I’d also like to throw a shout out to the doorknob that was driving up the street out front of the office this evening.......the wrong way into oncoming traffic. With his headlights off. Unfortunately for him, a Vancouver PD cruiser was coming from the opposite direction. Fortunately for my amusement, the cruiser stopped him directly in front of our office in front of the security cameras. Allowing me to watch him get berated for his stupidity on and off for at least an hour. I do mean berated too. I didn’t even know what he did to begin with, I only noticed the cruiser’s lights on the cameras. The reason I know the breadth of his stupidity is because the officer was browbeating him so loudly I could hear every single word she said. From 6 floors up through the window.
Sadly he didn’t get tazed. I was really hoping for a tazing.
Storytime!
Yes, yes, storytime again. But I am lazy this week so there's no editing. Editing takes way too much time. ;p
annnd rest
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