Bigotry, the end of the world and the married stoners. And this is just Week One.

[ZedOmega]

Up goes the NSFW flag for good reason: unlike my previous job of babysitting drunks and shouldering them out of a bar and the defined freedom to keep my normal speech patterns intact, I have to keep myself completely restrained at all times in order to keep up a professional appearance. Naturally, this is exactly like taking a 20-oz. bottle of Mountain Dew, taking it to the restaurant level of the Tower of the Americas, shaking the fuck out of it, letting it roll down the stairs and playing soccer with it on opposite sides of a busy highway. If it weren't for the existence of a bar near work with good prices, I'd have probably gone apeshit by now.

And of course, thanks to the tornadoes that wreaked havoc around the northeast and the storm cells heading over the Midwest (push harder up there; we need the rain down here so bad right now...), most of our service areas were effectively relocated somewhere between Oz and Good Luck Fixing It. Naturally, my first set of questions after I take the call went from 'how may I help you?' to 'oh my god, are you and your family alright?!' if I saw the call was from that region. What annoyed me, though, are the calls where the response was the expected 'yeah, whatever, what about my internet?'

Priorities, folks.

Now, on with the show.


I wonder if Peggy watches the Chicago Code too.

Me: Thank you for calling <provider>. This is Zed with <tech support>; how may I assist you today?
SC: Yeah, I know exactly what you guys need to do, since...

Okay, admittedly, she started droning about how she watches the Chicago Code religious and never misses an episode, save for a couple that didn't get recorded for some reason. Now, had I been able to get a word in edgewise, I'd have been able to get her informed as to why she should start writing angry letters to the MLB and NBA, but...

Me: Okay, so let me make sure I understand the issue. You said that your recorder missed a couple of showing of the Chicago Code--
SC: You're not listening to me! (repeats the story of how she's such a huge fan of this show and those couple of episodes didn't get recorded)

I take a moment to look at her account information and notice a small memo on her account: she will refuse help from anyone with an accent that even sounds remotely like Middle Eastern or Hindu. Oh, joyest of wonders.

Me: Alright. Let me run a test on the line and s--
SC: Are you paying attention?!

Oh, God, did I want to bust out my best impersonation of Hadji from the old Jonny Quest cartoons at this point.

Me: Yes, ma'am. I just need to--
SC: I don't--
Me: --run a test on your line to see--
SC: --now--
Me: --if the signal is causing the missed recordings. It'll only take a second.
SC: ...oh. Alright, but hurry up.

*eyetwitch*

The scan runs through and seeing nothing wrong, I mention this to the SC. Then I ask her if there were any games running before the shows.

SC: You're not listening to me! I said--
Me: That you missed a few recordings of Chicago Code. Yes, ma'am, I understand, and that's why I need to ask this question. Were there any games scheduled before those episodes?
SC: I don't know.

This is about the point where Jack Daniels became a permanent part of my shopping list. Clickety-click and I set up a swap for her recorder. Right before I get to my closing spiel, she proves that little notation right.

SC: Say, where are you located, sir?
Me: I'm in Texas.
SC: That's good! You don't sound Hee-spanic.

...lady, count your blessings that this company doesn't discriminate against Hispanics. Or that my finger didn't accidentally hit the 'disconnect' button on my phone.


omg i cant watch jersye shoer

Me: Thank you for calling <provider>, this is Zed with <tech support>, ho--
SC: OhmygodIcan'tlivelikethisyagottahelpme!

Angry customers are one thing. Dealing with them face-to-face as long as I have gave me some insight as to how to calm them down. People in a blind panic are a different matter entirely.

Me: ...I can definitely help you with your problem as long as it's with your service--
SC: Oh, thank god! One of my cable boxes went out and I'm missing all my shows and I can't live like this and you have to fix it and I don't know what I'll do and...

Fuck. Me. Running. I gotta play counselor to Woody Allen on the worst coke binge in his life. This could be fun-- wait a second. Did you...

Me: Let me just confirm the issue at hand before I being my troubleshooting. You say one box just stopped working? There was no signal from it or anything?
SC: That's right! Oh, please you gottadosomethingIcan't--
Me: Do you have the other box connected to the TV you use the most?
SC: Yeah Ive been watchingthatonebutIneedtheotheronefixed!

I don't even want to think about why he needs two receivers if he apparently has one TV. Perfect time to start the tests to make sure it's the box and not the signal. Sure enough, box go splat. Another swap.

Me: Okay, sir, your new box will be shipping tomorrow and should arrive that night, if not the day after.
SC: Oh, thank you so much, sir! You have no idea how much this means to me!

Dude. Pick an addiction that won't render you some really paranoid caricature of Morty Goldman and move on with your life. Hell, just grab a small bottle of liquor, chug the thing and go clubbing. Get laid, please and thank you. You're wound up tighter than a fucking guitar string at this point.


Conservation of Signal Quality: A Guide For Stoners

I'm not even going to beat around the bush here. The guy had a heavy Caribbean accent and apparently stoned out of his mind.

Me: Thank you for calling <provider>. This is Zed with <tech support>; how may I help you today?
SC: Yeah, me wanted to know why me paying for the 24 internet package and only getting 17. Me ran a speed test and me got a 17.

At least he was cheerful. Might have been the J.

Me: Alright, sir, let me run a couple of tests on your line to see if I can find out why your speed dropped that much. (clickety-click)
SC: Yah, me wife thinks it's because of all the TVs running in the house and me think it's the computers going at the same time.
Me: I think you might be right on that, sir. My test just finished and it shows that the full signal strength is getting through to your home. When you have more than one computer on the same network, the signal gets distributed as evenly as each computer needs, so you should be peaking around 17Mbps or so while everything's running.
SC: (to his wife) HA! Me was right! Me was so fucking right! (both are laughing in the background)
SC's wife: Yah, you were right!
Me: ...
SC: You see, me wife and me were arguing about this the whole time since we got your service, and me said that it was everything running at the same time!

...wait, you made it sound like pistols were about to be involved and you're both laughing about you being right? What the happy fuck?

Me: ...I'm glad I could get this sorted out for you. Is there anything else I can help you with?
SC: No, man, you did good! Thank you!

Uh... no problem. Plus, whatever drug dealers are in your area might want my number. I could make them rich just by spreading the word. For serious.



Okay, drink time.

[Draco]

Get laid, please and thank you. You're wound up tighter than a fucking guitar string at this point.

Zed... Do you REALLY want to encourage these people to get a chance at breeding?

[Yarnil]

No, at f*king, not breeding

Tension releive

[teh_blumchenkinder]

she will refuse help from anyone with an accent that even sounds remotely like Middle Eastern or Hindu. Oh, joyest of wonders.

So she'd refuse service from my (very ultra-white-and-of-Germanic-stock) bf's biological sister? (she's Hindu)
And holy crap people, the world's in a spin-cycle and you're freaking out about television? I hope a tornado runs over you!
EDIT: those last two... *sigh* at least guns weren't actually pulled. Right?

[telecom_goddess]

me was right?

Wow

[ZedOmega]

Zed... Do you REALLY want to encourage these people to get a chance at breeding?

No, at f*king, not breeding

Tension releive

Yarnil beat me to it. At the very least, the guy and a masseuse need to at least exchange information at some point, let alone this guy and an actual hooker.

So she'd refuse service from my (very ultra-white-and-of-Germanic-stock) bf's biological sister? (she's Hindu)
And holy crap people, the world's in a spin-cycle and you're freaking out about television? I hope a tornado runs over you!
EDIT: those last two... *sigh* at least guns weren't actually pulled. Right?

That lady would probably refuse service from the guy who does the voice of Apu from The Simpsons, she came off as that closed-minded. As far as the calling in about their service after their counties have been destroyed by funnel clouds, believe it.

And thankfully that stoner couple was too busy laughing about the argument than actually bringing guns into it. Then again, the way they were talking in the background, if guns were involved at any point, they'd have 'Nerf' on the side of them.

me was right?

Wow

Yeah. The guy called in because he wanted someone to either prove him or his wife right. I swear I will never understand either dysfunctional couples or stoners. I think I'd need backup to even begin to try to understand that couple.

[MoonCat]

Oh, God, did I want to bust out my best impersonation of Hadji from the old Jonny Quest cartoons at this point.

Hey! I used to watch that!

[ShootMePlease]

Thanks, Zed.

I just laughed my ass off imagining the conversation you had with the stoned guy as being a conversation you had with Cookie Monster instead.

That would have been awesome !!

[ZedOmega]

Thanks, Zed.

I just laughed my ass off imagining the conversation you had with the stoned guy as being a conversation you had with Cookie Monster instead.

That would have been awesome !!

G is for Ganja; dat good enough for me!

...sorry. I tried mixing my Monster with Jack and it's having a weird effect on me.

[Mr Hero]

That lady would probably refuse service from the guy who does the voice of Apu from The Simpsons, she came off as that closed-minded. As far as the calling in about their service after their counties have been destroyed by funnel clouds, believe it.

I'd love to see her on the phone with my boss then. My boss is Indian, but born and raised in the U.S. and has no discernable accent. Let's see these two square off!

[ZedOmega]

I'd love to see her on the phone with my boss then. My boss is Indian, but born and raised in the U.S. and has no discernable accent. Let's see these two square off!

Oh, man. If that ever happens, then by the grace of God you have to record it so I can hear the conversation, too.

[Mr Hero]

Did I also mention he has a backbone? This recording would not be free to listen to.

[Jester]

And thankfully that stoner couple was too busy laughing about the argument than actually bringing guns into it. Then again, the way they were talking in the background, if guns were involved at any point, they'd have 'Nerf' on the side of them.

If only all domestic disputes were this hilarious and this harmless.

[XCashier]

G is for Ganja; dat good enough for me!

Didn't you always wonder why he went so crazy over the cookies? Makes Scooby Snacks look tame...

And thankfully that stoner couple was too busy laughing about the argument than actually bringing guns into it. Then again, the way they were talking in the background, if guns were involved at any point, they'd have 'Nerf' on the side of them.

If only all domestic disputes were this hilarious and this harmless.

If only all conflicts of any kind were....

[wagegoth]

So she'd refuse service from my (very ultra-white-and-of-Germanic-stock) bf's biological sister? (she's Hindu)

The best tech support I have ever gotten was with Tier 2 in India with women. I think they were proud to show off what they could do, and I was happy to let them.